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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Visiting the new baby form the visitors view

11 replies

nancy10 · 04/10/2011 08:27

My sil had a baby on Sunday morning and came home yesterday morning (Mon) I had a baby 6 months ago and she popped in on the day I came home which was fine. I really don't know when to visit her. We live 5 minutes away so are not going to stay for hours on end.

But her and her dh are very stand offish. We (and other family members) don't feel particularly welcome at the best of times. It's not so much her but him. I know if I phone he'll answer and say she's asleep etc which is fair enough if she's not feeling up to it. But if he gets to the phone first he'll make excuses. But I don't want her to feel we're ignoring her and the her new baby either.

The last time she had a baby we just turned up, she was happy to see us but he quickly ushered us into the kitchen to wash our hands before we held the baby. (we are clean people by the way.) Which put our backs up, I wasn't even expecting to hold the baby as being a parent myself appreciate that not all new mothers are happy to hand their babies over.

We thought about popping in this evening (early) and literally saying hi, how are you, see the baby, giving the gift and leaving. Unless their extremely welcoming and insist we stay! Which I very much doubt.

Does this sound ok?

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Original poster

nancy10 · 04/10/2011 08:30

I meant FROM the visitors point of view.

OP posts:

HelloSweetie · 04/10/2011 08:35

No. it doesn't. you wait until they are ready for visitors. if that is this week, next week or next month you wait. the poor woman is probably knackered and hurting and doesn't want hoards of uninvited people turning up to coo over her new baby.

And what is wrong with asking you to wash your hands?

Northernlurker · 04/10/2011 08:36

Ring or text her first. If her husband doesn't want a houseful of people well - tehir baby, their decision.

themightyskim · 04/10/2011 08:38

I would say thats ok

I have to say my OH is of the opinion that when we shut the door for the day thats it its our wind down time, me on the other hand I LOVE visitors lol, all I can suggest is that maybe when you get there say to your SIL that obviously you want to visit loads but you appreciate that they will want time on their own and to settle baby in so whats best in terms of visiting for them? no one can be impolite about that sort of question surely? as long as you say to them is it a good time, are we ok to stop for fifteen minutes I think it would be a strange person that took issues with that sort if visit

purplepidjinawoollytangle · 04/10/2011 08:40

If they met your new addition on the second day, I would think that a quick pop by with a present would be ok. Wait to be invited in, perhaps, if you'd normally just go straight through and put the kettle on.

I'd agree with the others, tbh, if it wasn't for the fact that the precedent has been set by how early they visited you.

kiki22 · 04/10/2011 11:14

you should pop in if she popped in to you the first day you were home she's set the standard herself. maybe pop in for 10 mins on your way home from somewhere and say let me know when you want me to come back.

hawthers · 04/10/2011 11:33

if you pop in with a meal they could reheat and some cake then surely you can't get a bad reaction to that! could even use as a pretext for her DH saying that you remember what it was like so here is dinner tonight and just wanted to say hi and then leave.

Paschaelina · 04/10/2011 11:38

I read hawthers' line as "...reheat some cake.." which got me for a minute.

I think ring and ask if its ok with a suggestion of times and see what response you get, TBH. Could you text your SIL direct and miss out her DH so you get her own response?

eurochick · 04/10/2011 13:27

I think it's a good idea to pop by with a gift and a meal and not be offended if they don't invite you in.

m1nn1em0u5e · 04/10/2011 22:46

hmm difficult one, I know when I had ds2 I just wanted time alone with my little family & to let ds1 get to know his brother! However, DH seemed to think that anybody who wanted to visit could, regardless of how shattered I was, he just thinks that a new baby = a house full of visitors!....& was of the opinion that when they had all seen the baby we would get plenty of time alone..which I also kind of agree with too!..

sleepybump · 05/10/2011 07:29

Based on my own situation: I just had a baby and am too polite to say no outright to people and find it much easier for my OH to answer phones etc and tell them I'm sleeping etc. (which quite often has been true, but mostly it was just because I didn't feel up to seeing anyone). So I would say stay away until invited (though no harm in asking in a few days, or leaving a text saying hi).

As for her setting a president, is this her first baby? she may not have realised what it's actually like, that first week can be a killer as I'm sure you realise (and who knows what her labour was like, she may have had an awful time!)

I would just leave them be, let her know you are there for her (I assume it's not just because you want to see the baby that you want to go over?) and I'm sure she'll let you know when she's ready for visitors.

also...My neighbours passed gifts and even a pot of food via my midwife when she visited, and other close-living family posted cards. these were wonderful ways to say 'we are here, would love to pop over and see the baby...' etc. without intruding :)
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