is it odd that DP hasn't been to any midwife appointments?

[kiki22]

I have a friend that is due about a month after me and is insisting that her DH comes to every single scan docs or midwife appointment with her and she can't believe DP hasn't been to these with me basically said in not so many words so he can't be bothered going, was totally godsmacked when i said he wouldn't be coming to our 20 week scan.

I don't really see what the big deal is tbh the midwife appointments have all been at 10am meaning he would have to take a half day off work everytime which he wouldn't be paid for and our 20 week scan was our 4th and we'd had a private one a couple of weeks before so when he was offered a homer worth 300 quid we decided he would work and miss the scan (we're going for another private at 30 weeks ish).

we are buying our first house and having a baby so we need the money at the moment and i just don't think it's worth losing the money so he can come watch a midwife test my urine n take my blood pressure, scan wise £300 goes along way and he's already seen 3 scans and we knew the sex.

i personally don't think it's a big deal is it just me?

[WeLoveHaribo]

My DP been to all scans but none of midwife apt's :)

[DizzyCow63]

DP came to all scans but not midwife apts. When pg became "high-risk" in 3rd tri he came to all consultant apts, as these might have required us to make a joint decision. I think your friend is being a little OTT and what you are doing is fine.

[fedupwithdeployment]

DH didn't go to any....it was a shame, but he is in the Navy and was not around. I went to most of them on my own and to a couple with a friend. No big deal. I think your friend is being a bit precious.

[kiki22]

I think she's being precious too! i really think my ways fine and wouldn't change it just interested to see what others think about it.

[LittleWhiteWolf]

With pg one (DD) DH came to the scans and took me to the last two mw appts as I was struggling to drive and it was July so very hot.
With our last pg he came to the mw appt as we both had a day off and we had a scan later that day (which sadly confirmed an mmc).
With this pg DH has come to the 12 week scan and has already booked the time off for the 20 week scan in Nov. I don't expect DH to come to any of the mw appts, unless like with DD I need him to drive me.

I'd say its pretty par for the course that husbands not attend mw appts. With all due respect to the men, they just aren't needed there. Its about the health of mum and baby.

[2tired2bewitty]

Blokes at midwife appointments used to drive me nuts, taking up seats and generally getting in the way!

DH only came to scans and the booking in appointment. He did always seem to think he might be missing out on something exciting at the MWs though

[Engelsmeisje]

Over here (The Netherlands) it seems pretty standard that DHs/DPs come to all MW appointments, not just scans.

But then:

It is our first.

DH only works 5 mins from the health centre so it's easy for him to pop out during lunch, or we arrange a late/early appt which his work are pretty flexible about. (IME exployers are mroe flexible over here than in the UK).

Perhaps DH doesn't quite trust my Dutch! I am a bit scatty and tend to forget to ask questions/misunderstand stuff in Dutch or not quite get it.


I don't think your friend is being precious at all - after all you're both in this together, and maybe her DH WANTS to be there both for her and his own peace of mind - it's not just your friend becoming a mum and having to go through labour, her DH may have his own anxieties about the pregnancy and becoming a dad.

[ShoutyHamster]

Mine came to one because he wasn't in work that day, I think.

Other than that, just scans.

It's not at all usual for partners to be there, most people can't justify the time off work I would imagine!

[Crosshair]

Dp has been to all our appointments/scans because he wants to. Didnt think it was odd either way.

[Pancakeflipper]

Mine came to the scans... Though I think he missed a few of those ( I had to have a few due to bleeding scares in both pregnancies). He works away alot. Doesn't mean he wasn't excited about being a daddy.

[acatcalledfelix]

Both pgs DH has come to all my scans (I've had extra this time for various reasons). I think at minimum I'd expect 12 and 20 week, and then any other of there is a chance we'll be told some not-so-good news. He came to my booking-in apt with DS1, but this time had to be at home with him so it wasn't possible. He hasn't been to any mw apts with me, really not necessary (although would have been helpful just to keep DS amused whilst waiting my usual 45mins-hour after the apt time to go in!).

As with the scans, I'd expect DH to be there if I was going to any out-of-the-ordinary apts where they may be giving bad news, or need to discuss any issues that have arisen. He can usually get time off (has to make it up after, though) so we are quite lucky. But your friend will find next time, one of you needs to be at home with the DC. So this time I've found myself alone in a taxi at 2am on my way to maternity triage when not feeling well. Not ideal but what else can you do?

Your friend is being very precious!

[CristinadellaPizza]

Sorry, I should have said I don't think you're weird at all and like 2tired said, I got really fed up with blokes taking up all the seats when I was waiting for my MW appts. Particularly when I was waiting to be scanned at the EPU during a threatened miscarriage

[RedHotPokers]

My DH came to all my scans, but none of my normal mw appts.
I must admit, I would have been a bit peed off if he didn't come to the 20w scans.

However OP, if you are fine with it, that's what matters. Ignore your friend.

[birdofthenorth]

As as general rule I'd expect scans -yes; midwife appts, no; but if you lose earnings to have him there it's very different. I'm sure he would have dropped everything and come running if the 20 week scan had indeed shown anything worrying.

I think your friend's approach is slightly odder than yours tbh but each to their own (also for people who already know there are complications, have had complicated pregnancies in the past or have lost babies before I think it's a totally different kettle of fish with more support required).

[kiki22]

i think she's being precious with the docs appointments called him away from work as she had mild pain when she went for a pee so a urine infection hardly a down tools emergency.

we would have loved to have DP there at 20 week scan but when we factored in the scan a few weeks before and the money we would lose and the fact that the odds of something being wrong are slim as neither of us have any health problems in the family and are young it just wasn't worth it. As crap as it was for him to miss it my mum was secretly glad he couldn't come as she got to see her grandson :)

[Bumpsadaisie]

In our house DH comes to all the scans but not the routine midwife appointments. I think this is pretty normal?

[ConcreteElephant]

Not odd at all in my view. DH came to the booking-in appt and both scans for DD, and he's come to both scans for DC2. Didn't bother with booking-in for DC2 as we knew what info would be needed this time and I could sort that out. He hasn't attended the midwife appointments.

I can imagine various circumstances in which a partner may want to attend and I don't think there's anything wrong with them attending but I wouldn't say it's essential. Nice to have the support if you are particularly worried about something I would think.

For many partners it could be very tricky to attend everything and you'd want to focus on being free for the scans perhaps.

[ChunkyPickle]

Not odd at all, DP came to most of the scans (although not the one when overdue that they ended up not letting me leave hospital after! Doh!) but I really couldn't see any point taking him to the midwife appointments (he came to one - because I was planning a home birth and figured he should at least meet them).

I used to go in, pee on a stick, they'd have a prod and a listen, then I'd leave again. No point both of us missing work for that kind of 10 minute appointment.

[Cyclebump]

It's fine! My dad came with me for my first dating scan as DP had to work. He came to the 12 week one and to the first anomaly scan. I had to have a third scan as DS was nooning when they were trying to check his heart and, at DP's suggestion, my mum came with me to that one.

DP didn't come to my midwife appointments and he didn't need to. He didn't come to my antenatal class either as he was busy and we decided he didn't need to come. Ignore what other people do, it's your decision as a couple.

[nickelbabe]

i think your friend is being precious, too.
midwife appointments are dull for the mum-to-be never mind the DP!
they're just ticking boxes and making sure everything's the right size/number

DH came to the scans, and is coming to the ante-natal classes (apart from next week when he's gallavanting off to norfolk for a boys' week fishing), but that's it!
he doesn't need to be at any others.

[notso]

I have had three babies, about 10 scans in total and DH only came to the 20 week one for each baby, he came to one Midwife appointment just because he happened to be off work that day, and one consultant appointment because I needed help fighting my corner.
I know that if I had bad news he would be with me ASAP, but I never felt I needed constant hand holding.
I can't see the point of him missing work to watch someone test your wee and prod your stomach.

[sleepevader]

Maybe your friend is being previous. Maybe there's a bit of jealously on your part.

Either way it's just the start of competitive parenting so nip it in the bid asap.
Fwiw DP had been to a few midwife appt. Booking in was really useful and after I got diagnosed with diabetes he has come to all scans, first consultant appt. He Wont be at next one but I Want him there at 38 wks to help make informed choice about induction.

[Yorky]

DH only came to 1 of my MWs appts with DC1, and that was cos I got over excited the 1st time I heard DS heartbeat and made him come to next appt so he could hear it too

[Stormwater]

In the nicest possible way, get a grip! It doesn't matter what your friend is doing; as you'll soon learn when you have a baby, you will all do things differently, all think your way is right, and hopefully get to hang out with other parents who don't judge your choices, because there is nothing worse than competitive parenting. You already think your dh's attendance at appointment is more appropriate than hers, don't start thinking that your buggy choice, feeding choices, discipline methods, etc are better too or you won't be friends for long! Just do what's best for your own family, as I'm sure they are too.

[annekins]

DH came to our 16 wk MW appointment as we got to hear little one's heartbeat (sort of, she was doing a very good job of hiding..).

TBH I found it sort of a pain as I wanted to talk about me and baby and didn't really get to do that as he was talking about other random stuff, so won't be asking him to come to any others!

He has been to all the scans, and has held my hair out of my face and rubbed my back when I've been sick so he's pretty involved!!!