is it odd that DP hasn't been to any midwife appointments?

[kiki22]

I have a friend that is due about a month after me and is insisting that her DH comes to every single scan docs or midwife appointment with her and she can't believe DP hasn't been to these with me basically said in not so many words so he can't be bothered going, was totally godsmacked when i said he wouldn't be coming to our 20 week scan.

I don't really see what the big deal is tbh the midwife appointments have all been at 10am meaning he would have to take a half day off work everytime which he wouldn't be paid for and our 20 week scan was our 4th and we'd had a private one a couple of weeks before so when he was offered a homer worth 300 quid we decided he would work and miss the scan (we're going for another private at 30 weeks ish).

we are buying our first house and having a baby so we need the money at the moment and i just don't think it's worth losing the money so he can come watch a midwife test my urine n take my blood pressure, scan wise £300 goes along way and he's already seen 3 scans and we knew the sex.

i personally don't think it's a big deal is it just me?

[dinkystinky]

DH only came to the scans both times - would have been abit of acwaste of his time to come to the other appointments to be honest.

[susiey]

I am pregnant with DC4.My DH comes to only the scans with me as far as I'm concerned it would be a proper waste of his time waiting hours for a ten minute appointment with a midwife / consultant.If he is available to have the others kids though that makes a real difference I get and hours peace to read a book ( even if it in a hospital waiting room)!
the reason I Take him to scans is I have found that this is the place that you can get really bad news and would want someone there to hear it with me.

[Mum2be79]

My DH came to my 12-week and 20-week scan appointments. He didn't get paid and had to take them as holiday.It was important to me (in case of bad news) and for him to see our growing child.
However, I'm due another scan at 36 weeks to check the position of my placenta but unfortunately he has no more holidays left and with money tight during maternity, we decided that for a scan checking on the placenta was not 'as important' and both of us happy to have my mum there instead.
He was at one of my appointments only because it was straight after my 20-week scan but I don't think he really needs to be there whilst blood pressure, urine and fundal height are checked!

[LaraandLittleBean]

DH came to my scans but not to any of the MW appointments in the first two trimesters - I couldn't really see the point as they were so routine. Now we've decided he will come to all appointments from 32 weeks onwards as more is discussed. Part of my care is GP-led, which is brilliant - at the last appointment, the GP showed DH where baby was lying and had him prod my stomach to touch baby. He also made it very inclusive for DH whereas I doubt the MW appointments would have been the same. Plus there is the added benefit that with the GP appointments we are in and out of the surgery in 15-20 mins whereas anything at the hospital can take up to an hour and a half.

[SurprisEs]

Shows how different the care is across the country. I was never asked about Domestic violence, or gyno history, or much at all! But I was 19 so hadn't lived much, lol, not much I could've discussed.

[Allboxedin]

Mine hasn't been to any of mine, not even the scans this time because he would have to take the day off probably. TBH I wouldn't have really wanted him at some of the appointments anyway going through gyno history etc.

[SurprisEs]

If DH got paid for the time off I'd like him to come.

[MabliD]

DH has been to all my appointments except for 8 week scan, booking in and one emergency dash after bleeding. I'm sure it must bore him to death, but he wants to come anyway and I've not the heart to say he can't come. He gets paid time off for ante-natal stuff though, which makes a difference. I'm often glad to have him there though as complications have arisen and he's pretty good at asking the questions I haven't thought of.

[SurprisEs]

In my case DH would have to take the whole day off. He works from 6 am to 4pm (average, it's job and knock) but spends 2.5 hrs traveling each way. So really wouldn't be worth it going to work for a couple of hours at most. So I really couldn't have him coming to all the appointments.

[lollystix]

Almost finished baking my 4th. Dh been to all the scans but not one mw appointment. Never thought to be miffed about that. Does he really need to take an hour of work to watch me have bp taken, a couple of bloods and examine my wee?

[SurprisEs]

First pregnancy DH came to MW first appointment as we wanted to share the experience of listening to the heartbeat for the first time together and both scans as I felt I needed him there if something went wrong.

This time we will do our best for the experience to be more or less the same. But I didn't see the point of him being off work on a regular basis for the MW appointments. We'd lose too much money.

[IssyStark]

The Spouse has been to a couple of my midwife apts this time (we both work at a uni and the midwife is at the uni health centre and my apps fall in lunchtime), plus one day we brought our 4yo as well so he could hear the heartbeat and met the midwife (more so he could visualise what we'd been telling him about). Spouse has also come to all my scans (I'm a recurrent miscarrier, this is preg no. 10 and the only scan he's ever missed was the 12w one for the ancelphalic pregnancy, so he tends not to miss them now).

It's a bit unusual for a partner not to be at the 20w but even if something were thought to be wrong you'd be referred for another appt with a specialist so you wouldn't find out everything there and then anyway.

[imip]

5 pregnancies, dp came to all 12 and 20 weeks scans. i've had high risk pregnancies with extra scans and he has been unable to come to them all. doesn't come to midwife/cons appts, but did initially to our riskier pregnancy. I had my 20w appt at the gp this week. I had just dropped dd2 at nursery and dd1 at school, rushed into waiting room (midwife appts only) with dd3 all hot and bothered. Saw two preg ladies, I'm sure expecting their first, both with partners and my inital impression was that it was all a little bit crazy! We now have to save dps time off for things like school assemblies, picking up children from various locations when the other is unable etc. It's not a big deal...

[NotJustKangaskhan]

I don't think it is a big deal, it's up the individuals involved - whatever works for you two. Most that I've seen (going through it for the 4th time now) go alone to midwife appointments, but with someone for scans as has been reflected in this thread. I'll put myself in the unusual camp as my husband comes to all of my medical appointments as I've suffered abuse by medical professionals and cannot relax unless someone I know is in shouting distance (we chose a small doctor's office so for normal appointments he just waits in the waiting room) and he prefers to be there. It's boring for all of us, but it's usually short and simple and we arrange something to do afterwards.

The issue for screening for domestic violence is an important point made though, I discussed it with my current midwife when my husband was in the loo at an appointment (and also made her aware of the previous abuse and why he was there to clear the air), but that chance doesn't always come up.

[Crosshair]

GwendolineMaryLacey if you wanted to go I cant see why not.

[Roseflower]

DH has come to every single scan with me (I would say 90% of other women waiting for their scans at hopsital have a dp with them), nearly every hospital admission and every consultant appointment.

He also came to my second GTT as the first made me so unwell and I hated them.

However none of the midwife appoitments. Pointless really IMO.

Seems to be the norm.

[Egg]

DH never once attended a midwife appt for any of the babies. He was at 12 week scan both times, but didn't even come to the 20 week scan with the twins I dont think, am pretty sure my parents came to that and my dad definitely came with me for a later twin one as I remember explaining to the poor sonographer that no, the 73 year old man was MY dad not THE dad.

[Broody1976]

He came to the Booking in Appt with me and then the 12 & 20 week scan. That was it. The MW appt lasts maybe 10 mins and he really doesn't need to be there for that!!

I don't think it's strange at all - I think your friend is just rude.

[CristinadellaPizza]

NinkyNonker - my AN unit had packets of stickers on the backs of the toilet doors for women to stick to their urine sample if they were experiencing DV to alert the MW without the partner being aware :(

[NinkyNonker]

My mw said she was suspicious when partners attended all appts for fear of domestic violence etc. A bit sad really.

[NinkyNonker]

DH comes to all scans (he wants to see the baby too!) but not mw appts.

[delphinedownunder]

No, not odd. i had scans at 8 weeks, 12 weeks, 20 weeks and 36 weeks (ivf, twins, difficult position) and he came to the 12 and 20 weeks scan, plus a meeting with the obstetrician at 30 weeks. But no midwife appointments. i was happy with this and you should go with whatever works for you.

[GwendolineMaryLacey]

Funny Crosshair

Shall I go with DH then next time he has his bp checked? I can sit there like a spare part while he has a medical examination that is absolutely nothing to do with me. What fun.

[whackamole]

Totally unnecessary for him to go to all MW appointments. My appts tend to last less than 15 minutes - what's the point? They check your pee, BP, abdomen and heart rate of the baby.

OH came to 20 week scan, TBH I am more concerned he won't be there for the birth but that's another story!

[notlettingthefearshow]

My DH is coming to all the scans (none of the mw appointments). He loves the scans and these are when they can see if the baby is OK, so the support was important to me. We're lucky that both workplaces are very good at allowing paid time off for such appointments - I guess not all employers do that.

However, don't worry what others are doing - it's obviously working for you. Enjoy your pregnancy!