Finding out the sex

[hairylights]

we are hoping to find out if were having a boy or a girl at our scan next week. I have had several people (friends and colleaues) ask if we know yet (wish I hadn't said "yes" when they asked if we would find out)

Do you think it's a bit odd that people would assume we will tell them, when we know. I don't want to tell the world ... If close family members want to know we'll tell them, but I feel a little that people in general would expect us to tell them just because we know.

Oh my word, get over yourself. As lots of previous posters have said - this is just stuff people ask pregnant women. I would enjoy it - people are lovely to pregnant women, once the baby is born you are just another person with a pushchair and not so 'special'.

As for "staving off gender stereotyping" - you're not actually staving anything off are you? The baby isn't going to wear any clothes until its born, whether people buy them now or after its born.

I'm inclined to agree with second here. people are only talking about it to be polite, nobody will be offended if you say you know but aren't telling, this is what 2 of my colleagues have done in the past i admire their restraint tbh because all it has meant is people have grilled them more, not because it matters but because nobody likes not knowing a secret.

Actually gender stereotyping does happen before babies are born - according to a midwife I saw last week anyway.

This baby is a boy and he moves around far, far less than DD did and I asked the midwife was there any difference in movements reported in pregnancy and the sex of the baby and she said when people know the sex of the baby they usually report that boys wriggle around more because they are more likely to be seen as "active" and "full of energy" and that knowing the sex can distort studies because of stereotyping.

I'm not sure why I thought because this baby has got a willy, it would move less but I thought I would ask her anyway!

Lol magicmelons

I honestly have been surprised at people asking - but I guess you learn something all the time.

Worse things I've been asked is whether I intend to wax before I give birth (by a colleague) (barf) and I was asked today (by a very lovely 20 year old colleague) whether I'll be "booking" a cesarean (snort).

It isn't normal to find out and not tell people. There's nothing wrong with it, but it is not the normal course of action and your colleagues are not being odd to assume that you will tell them.

In real life I know lots of couples who didn't find out and lots of couples who did find out and shared the information. I know precisely one couple who found out but didn't share.

If you really don't want to share the information with your colleagues, your easiest course of action will be to say that you couldn't tell from the scan. Be aware, though, that they will then spend the next few months telling you that you must be having a boy because you are carrying just like their sister Mildred did or that you must be having a girl because your cheeks are flushed, or some selection of other random old wives' tales. At this point you may wish that you'd just told them.

Tell them you got there and then changed your mind as it didn't feel right, simples. It is very PFB your going to have to water some of that down for mumsnet i'm afraid but you'll be alright.

Is it really PFB? Fair comment, this child will be my very precious after a difficult time trying to have children.

It's not like I've gone "ner ner, I am going to find out and not tell you so ner".

It has just surprised me that people would translate "yes, we're going to find out " into "yes we're going to find out and tell everyone else"

Thanks to all of you who have said its not odd. With hindsight I would've been better off saying "no" when people asked, but I didn't realise they'd assume I'd tell them.

So, I'm not normal? That's good then.

I thought it was a bit self important when my friend found out but didn't tell people. In my opinion, nobody is really bothered about the gender except the parents and immediate family!

It's a bit insulting to assume everyone will buy you pink or blue stuff (although maybe a few will) - surely anyone who knows you would know your feelings about this? Anyway, that's only a few mini outfits which will be outgrown in the first couple of months. If people want to swamp you with pink and blue crap, they will persist for years after its birth - you can't hide the sex forever! So you will need to make your feelings known in any case.

However, I do understand you wanting to enjoy the news yourself. Enjoy this precious time! The anticipation is really special.

But you're going to get pink or blue outfits when the baby is born and they find out the sex. Don't most people wait until after the baby is born before they buy a gift?

I think its quite normal to tell people but then its up to you its your baby my sister in law didnt tell anyone just said she wanted it to be a surprise for everyone I was fine with thatxx

I found out with DS1, was really looking forwards to telling people at work, but when I got in the other girl who was pregnant there (same due dates) had told everyone it was a boy! So pissed off. To top it off she found out with hers and kept it secret. Grr

Also had a friend who said she wasn't finding out, then the weekend after her scan did a massive carboot and sold all of her DS's stuff! Subtle

I found out with both, and told everyone, not bothered about keeping it secret. Although DH is still convinced it's a girl!

I dread to think what my next pregnancy would be like if it is a girl as the little boy inside me never sleeps.

We were going to find out and keep it between us, but as it's twins we decided to tell people, mostly so my mum and dad could get used to the idea (I was a twin but my sister died of cot death so it's a bit emotional for them, even thought they are delighted for us). We're keeping names to ourselves though - that will be announced upon their arrival.

Just tell people baby wasn't in the right position to tell.

We found out at 20 week scan. I didnt want to know but OH desperately wanted to know & i figured that I get a lot more say in a lot of things than he does and this was something he really wanted to know, and as a helpful friend of mine pointed out that this might help him feel more involved. We agreed before the scan that we would only tell both sets of parents and no-one else. We thought about saying to everyone that baby wouldnt co-operate so we couldnt find out but I didnt want to. I'm glad I know and just refer to bump, baby or little one. A couple of our friends have tried to catch us out but only in a joking way and I'm looking forward to still being able to say 'its a boy/girl' after the birth. If I have accidentally given it away then none of my friends have said anything but if they have picked up on it I'm not confirming anything until little one is here :-)

I don't get 1. why you would find out the sex in the first place 2. why if you do find out the sex you would then keep it a secret - surely that is just mental and impossible!!?? but each to there own. People are only being polite asking and its not the be all and end all if you telll them or not (but it does just seem a tad odd - what difference does it make?) I'm not falling for all this gender specific malarky - gender is obviously an issue for you if your finding out the sex!

Anyway this whole thread made me think of a link that someone posted a couple of weeks ago. I hope it doesn't cause offence. I am pregnant and find it funny, especially the 'oh you know we are not telling' bit.

I know someone who found out and didn't tell anyone. Her workmates threw her a baby shower and everything was beige! Awful.

I know another couple who refused to dress their girl in pink - told everyone not to buy pink. They stopped that very quickly once they got past a few months old and realised it was either dress as a girl (often pink) or dress as a boy. Very few neutral clothes out there.

We found out and told people. Doesn't make the blindess bit of difference to people outside our immediate family. Why would it?

What I find difficult is sharing the name you've chosen before the birth. Just seems a bit odd to me (but that may be because we still haven't chosen a naem at 34 weeks and counting!)

I'm with Hairylights. I'm not that bothered about finding out the sex at the scan (which is a long way away for me still), but I suspect I probably will, if the baby cooperates - partner isn't sure he wants to know. I certainly won't be telling anyone else, though, in either case, just as it won't be telling anyone else, just as I won't be sharing the state of my cervix and whether doing it doggy-style while heavily pregnant gets a bit wearying after a few months. I didn't sign some kind of full disclosure form when I conceived!

No one knows I'm pregnant yet, and I'm not showing, but when I do, that still doesn't make me or the contents of my uterus public property. I get that people are just making polite chit-chat and don't care either way, but frankly, they can go back to talking about the weather as far as I'm concerned. Surely people are perfectly capable of being in a room with a visibly pregnant woman and still talk about something else?

Hard cheese just wait till your showing - you will soon find out it is impossible for people to discuss anything else! I don't suggest the cervix/ doggy style converstaion will go down that well in the workplace anyway so rest assured you won't have to tell them about your uterus!

When you are visibly pregnant though people make polite chit chat - how many weeks/boy or girl/ where are you having it etc. sometimes its because they are interested and excited for you and sometimes because it is deemed polite. I think people think it is more rude to not mention the massive bump that you are carrying round under your top. To think that people aren't going to mention it is la la dream world!

Benne81, I'm going to take that as a challenge You sound like a much nicer person than me, but I don't think pregnancy is going to change me from a sharpe-tongued harpie into into some kind of serene earth mother type, and I think people will have to cope with the fact that I simply won't engage in chitchat about the massive belly I am secreting under my top...

Ha Ha it is a true challenge - I want an update in 4 months!!! I'm a GP so I have the same converstaion during every appointment with every patient, every 10 mins - thats about 50 people a day at least - some people really do get truly excited about seeing a heavily pregnant woman and are more keen to discuss my pregnancy than their own health - has made sticking to 10mins appointments a bit of a challenge . As the tummy has grown it has just become an unavoidable topic of converstaion only 2 more full days left though.

i'm havin a boy and couldn't wait to tell everyone i feel like it's given him a bit more of an identity in stead of being the baby and not really real for anyone else. I love that people know he is a him not an it but if u don't want to tell anyone don't. I think people just want a wee piece of your joy and excitment really.

If you're not going to tell anyone, and don't want loads of pink/blue clothes, why find out at all? It seems to me the only reasons for finding out are that you can't bear to wait (which will surely mean some "gender stereotyping", in that you'll be picking names and thinking of characteristics that might go with those names, and imagining the kinds of toys/birthday parties/hobbies your child might want in the future...) or because you want to be practical and get the appropriate-gender clothes. If you're not bothered about either of those, why not just wait until the birth and enjoy the surprise then?

FWIW: people ask because they are happy and excited for you. Refusing to tell them the sex when you know it does seem a bit odd - it's hardly mega-personal info (I understand, and indeed recommend, not telling them your choices of baby names, but that is a much more personal thing as it reflects on your choices - but it's not like you've chosen to have a boy or a girl...). And also, good luck with not buying gender-specific clothes: the selection out there of neutral stuff is rubbish (I speak from experience, having chosen not to find out the baby's sex when I was pregnant). There are only so many white babygros and yellow sets of dungarees you can cope with. By the time DS was born I was desperate to know what I was having so I could get some nice clothes, and it was lovely dressing him in boys' clothes instead of the boring beige.

I think the easiest way to get round the not telling people te sex thing is to not find out! To be honest I haven't really ever understood why people would find out but then not tell anyone, or how they would expect the few people they do tell to keep it a secret. I think there was a thread on here a couple of years ago asking 'why do people find out the sex but keep it a secret?' which was really interesting.

I agree with TheSecondComing when she says that people just ask these questions not because they are massively interested in the baby but really just because it's a baby and that's what people do.

I do agree though that the gender stereotyping is a massive big pain in the bum if you are the kind of person (as I am) who hates that whole 'gorgeous princess' V's 'Naughty little monkey' thing.

I'm going to try to find the thread I mentoned above...