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finding out the sex at a scan - would you be upset if...

75 replies

allyco · 30/11/2005 15:56

just thinking aloud here. If at your scan you found the sex wasn't what you hoped for (assuming you had your heart set on a particular sex) would you feel upset, or disappointed? And would this last until the baby came?

Or has it happened to anyone?

I think it's a hard thing to admit in RL...

OP posts:
WigWamBam · 30/11/2005 16:03

It happened to a friend of mine, who was desperate for a girl, thought she couldn't cope with a boy - she had a scan and blood tests (paid privately for them) because she genuinely felt she wouldn't be able to cope if she found out when the baby was born that it wasn't a girl. It was a boy, and she was gutted initially. She felt she needed to grieve for the little girl that she wasn't having, but once she got over the initial disappointment and sadness, she had plenty of time to get used to the idea, and by the time her ds arrived she loved him and bonded with him straightaway, something she felt she couldn't have done if she hadn't found out the sex. She did the same thing when she was pregnant for the second time but her second baby was a girl.

hub2dee · 30/11/2005 16:03

Give yourself a while and I'm sure you'll come round to whatever baby you've been blessed with !

I'm sure it can be a bit of a shock when what you wanted / expected doesn't happen, but I'd probably guess soon you'll see how it'll be OK (even though baby is not a boy / girl) IYSWIM, and in x months time, you won't be able to imagine things not being exactly as they are...

... but then what do I know, we've just got the one and it's early days yet !

hub2dee · 30/11/2005 16:04

snap !!!!

WigWamBam · 30/11/2005 16:05

Spooky timing there ...

lucykate · 30/11/2005 16:06

when i was pg the first time, i really wanted a girl, and it was. after that, i had 2 mc's, then got pg again which went full term. i did, deep down want another girl (had picked a name too), then found out at the scan it was a boy. wasn't sure about it at first, but as we'd lost 2, decided that girl or boy didn't matter, this was the one we were supposed to have, and he's lovely.

allyco · 30/11/2005 16:08

yep never thought about that. If you find out at scan by the time comes and s/he is born you'll have known for months that that is what's going to happpen and be prepared for it, whereas if you waited until the birth and it wasn't what you want then maybe would be harder to bond? Hhhmmm.

OP posts:
ninah · 30/11/2005 16:09

my initial preference was for a girl but finding out at scan gave me time to get used to idea of ds and I wouldn't swap him for the world! I think it was more the fact of BEING a girl, and having sisters, and not being v familiar with boys, and hating sport ... Boys are great tho.
Having girl this time.

MistleToo · 30/11/2005 16:09

sorry - I think they give you too much information these days - I'd never want to know the sex of my baby - that's all part of the excitement and wonderfulness of having a baby.

I don't get this 'disappointment' at the 'wrong' sex - I don't know or have heard of anyone who was disappointed to find out the baby was not the sex they hoped for and that disappointment carried on after the birth so why put yourself through all that? All babies are a blessing.

MistleToo · 30/11/2005 16:10

sorry - I think they give you too much information these days - I'd never want to know the sex of my baby - that's all part of the excitement and wonderfulness of having a baby.

I don't get this 'disappointment' at the 'wrong' sex - I don't know or have heard of anyone who was disappointed to find out the baby was not the sex they hoped for and that disappointment carried on after the birth so why put yourself through all that? All babies are a blessing.

WigWamBam · 30/11/2005 16:13

JT, my friend truly felt that she wouldn't love the baby if it was the "wrong" sex when it was born - all she had ever wanted was a girl, and she genuinely believed that she would reject the baby if it was a boy. She probably wouldn't have done but she wasn't prepared to risk it. She actually spoke of having the baby adopted initially if it was a boy, which is why she had the blood tests done.

coribells · 30/11/2005 16:18

completely agree with ninah, and I found out for all the same reasons. I couldn?t love a DD more, but I didn?t know that at the time. I found out today I am having another DS.

ladymuck · 30/11/2005 16:20

I have to say that I was disappointed when I was told that we were expecting a girl first time round. That said I was grateful that I had time to prepare myself and get used to the idea.

In our case a subsequent scan showed the presence of a willy.

ninah · 30/11/2005 16:21

oooh coribells, congratulations! how fantastic!
I just like to know everything I can find out about baby to try and imagine ahead ..... enough surprises in store already!

flamesparrow · 30/11/2005 16:21

I'm scared of having a boy... mainly because it is so unknown to me, for that reason (and liking surprises) I didn't find out at the scan - it seemed safer than then worrying for the next few months.

Scans can be wrong too... as Yeahbut found out today - thought she was having a girl, 10 weeks and another scan, tis a definate boy!!!

hatstand · 30/11/2005 16:25

is this cos you're trying to decide whether to find out? if it's your second or more then I personally think it would be better to feel the disappointment at the scan, and then give yourself 20 weeks to get over it and to look forward to having your baby, than to feel the disappointment when you actually meet them. I didn;t at all have my heart set on anything but I think there was a weeny pang of something - possibly more suprise than disappointment when dd2 was born and I think it would have been better to feel it at the scan.

snufflepuss · 30/11/2005 16:27

When pregnant the first time, I was told at three different scans that I was having a boy. I was a bit disappointed as in my heart of hearts I wanted a girl and we said we were going to only have one child. Painted the nursery blue, bought blue clothes etc., came up with a boys name and after a difficult labour ended up with a girl

However, we still wanted to know what #2 was but were only told later on in the pregnancy so they got that one right - another girl !!!

flamesparrow · 30/11/2005 16:29

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snufflepuss · 30/11/2005 16:31

I think they were looking at the cord. One jolly sonographer (weren't many at Maidstone) took a shot of "his" bits and told us we could show everyone at his wedding ... ?

flamesparrow · 30/11/2005 16:32

I'd have wanted to go back and wave her in their face just for being so cocky about being right [gri]

expatinscotland · 30/11/2005 16:34


hub2dee · 30/11/2005 16:38

allyco, from what I've read on this topic, finding out at 20 weeks helped those 'unsure of whether they wanted a boy / girl' as it gave them a sufficiently long time to 'get their head around it' IYSWIM, to see the benefits / positives, and also to begin bonding when (often) parents were 'holding back'...

(not saying you are)

It also rules out half the naming hassles. Though you never know when you're gonna get a wrong call, like snufflepuss !

... I can also understand MistleToo's position, but lots of people enjoy finding out early.


PS - cori - congrats !

allyco · 30/11/2005 16:39

I have known a couple of people who were REALLY disappointed when the baby was the "wrong" sex - I have using that word but don't know what other word to use. Both had boys but really wanted girls and one said if she had found out at the scan and knew from then on she thought she may have accepted it sooner.

My scan is on Monday and I go through phases of wanting ti know and then not. I gues this means that I don't mind either way? Deep down, I don't think I do mind. I'd like a boy this time but if it is a girl then great!

OP posts:
flamesparrow · 30/11/2005 16:42

I felt that if I could pick, then I would choose a girl, but that a boy wouldn't wrong iyswim.

The only thing that annoys me now about not knowing is people insisting that it is a boy based on shape, sickness, heartrate etc (they all seem fixated on boy) - I don't know, they can't know so just give up with all the theories and let me enjoy my baby!!!!

flamesparrow · 30/11/2005 16:43

sorry... that got a bit personal then didn't it, and not really relevant .

expatinscotland · 30/11/2005 16:44

I think it can really, really affect certain peeps. I hate that whole 'you'll ruin the surprise'. Eh? It'll still be a big surprise to whom it looks like, hair colour, eye colour, etc.

My MIL badly wanted a girl and was so disappointed when she had a boy she became quite depressed.

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