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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

finding out the sex at a scan - would you be upset if...

75 replies

allyco · 30/11/2005 15:56

just thinking aloud here. If at your scan you found the sex wasn't what you hoped for (assuming you had your heart set on a particular sex) would you feel upset, or disappointed? And would this last until the baby came?

Or has it happened to anyone?

I think it's a hard thing to admit in RL...

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Original poster

allyco · 30/11/2005 16:45

yes flamesparrow I am with you on that. Because I have been puking for England 24/7 since I got pregnant everyone assumes it's a girl. Why don't they off

OP posts:

flamesparrow · 30/11/2005 16:48

I have had "oooh, you aren't nearly as sick as you were with DD, so it must be a boy" - NO! I have a pregnancy milk allergy... we didn't realise until over 30 weeks with DD hence all the sickness, I cut it out from day one this time, and surprisingly, I'm not ill!!! Oooh, the heartrate is 140 - it MUST be a boy... again, DD fluctuated between 128 & 160, and I have been told that the thingy is above 140 is one, below is the other, so surely its borderline??? What's the other one?? Oh yeah, bump shape! Its a baby in a womb - why would a girl lay in a certain way and a boy in another??? ARGH!!!

MerlinsBeard · 30/11/2005 16:49

we found out wit hds2 for the reasdomns of we needed to move if we were having a girl. i was so convinced i was having a girl....COMPLETELY diff pregnancy but it was a boy. i was gutted if i am honest but by the time we got home from scan i had warmed to the idea. i wouldn't change him for the world nopw(except for one that doesn't poo so much )

flame....ur bump wil be whatever colour it wants to be wait for the old biddys peering in your buggy withpout permission afterwards {angry}

ninah · 30/11/2005 16:49

totally agree expat, as an individual it's suprise enough!
Had this discussion in a pub the other night with a very drunk man (I very sober, obv) and he kept insisting it was almost sacriligious to know.

flamesparrow · 30/11/2005 16:52

pmsl - the old biddies never know what sex they are looking at anyway!!!

DoesntChristmasDragOn · 30/11/2005 17:05

Absolutely. It doesn't last though. I found out by accident with DS2 at a 37 week growth scan and was devastated. I had him 3 days later and whilst I was still a bit sad but I still loved him dearly. The wistful "not having a girl" feeling didn't go away really but that doesn't mean I love DS2 any less. For a while I felt guilty that I'd ever been disappointed with him but I realised that I wasn't disappointed with him as a person if that makes sense

marne · 30/11/2005 17:11

I had my 20 week scan a few weeks ago, was so sure i was having a boy, realy wanted a boy as i have got a dd and dh doesnt want any more, this was my last chance, we even had a name for him. Anyway found out i was having a girl!
I was a bit disappointed but im over it now. At least dd will be happy and at least the baby is healthy and well.
Still, maybe they got it wrong, LOL

misdee · 30/11/2005 17:12

i found out i was having baby girl no3 at about 32 weeks. Peter was (still is) despereate for a boy, but alas it wasnt to be. i found out as i wanted to know, and felt it it was a girl then peter would have time to get usedto a house full of females. lol. he adores dd3, says she is perfect and no boy could be as gorgeous as she is. smitten? nah lol.

foxinsocks · 30/11/2005 17:13

I think that's very true expat and sometimes I think family can be really badly affected.

My dad had 3 sisters, no brothers. Every time my mum fell pregnant, his whole family (a very big family) would cross their fingers for a boy (to carry on the name!) and of course, my mum had only girls! Apparently, my dad said he actually dreaded phoning them when we were all born because him and mum were happy yet he knew many of his family members would be really disappointed!

Passionflowerinapeartree · 30/11/2005 17:33

I wanted DD3 to be a boy desperately, didn't find out her sex until she was born. DH looked at me and asked if I was ok about it. I smiled at him and said of course and it was true, I took one look at her and fell utterly in love. It will be ok, promise.

Twiglett · 30/11/2005 17:34

both times I found out the sex was the opposite of the one I wanted

I worked through the 'disappointment' and spent the next 20 weeks looking forward to the child I knew I was going to have

both my children are fabulous

YeahBut · 30/11/2005 17:37

As Flamesparrow pointed out earlier, I've just found out at 30.5 weeks that I'm not having the girl I was told at the 20 week scan but am having a boy instead! I don't feel disappointed, just completely shocked because I've spent the last 10 weeks getting used to the idea of a girl. Now have just under 10 weeks to get used to a boy. Also, I didn't have my heart set on either sex. They're all a miracle and a blessing IMO.

How I would have felt if I REALLY wanted one sex and got another, I don't know. My gut feel is that to find out during a scan gives someone a few weeks to get used to the idea. I'd be worried that someone who desperately wanted one sex and found out at the birth that it was the other might find the bonding more difficult.

Roobietherednosedreindeer · 30/11/2005 17:51

DD was my first and second time round I was keen to have another girl as I guess that was just what I was used to and I couldn't imagine having a ds (loved the idea of having 2 gorgeous little girls). When it turned out to be a boy I must admit I had to suppress a tear or two as I lay on the bed and, although it doesn't sound nice and I can't really understand why it was the case, I felt absolutely gutted.
Needless to say the feeling soon passed and within a couple of weeks all was well and obviously now he is here I wouldn't change a thing. Boys are great!!!

Enid · 30/11/2005 18:00

this thread still hasn't helped me to decide whether to find out the sex of baby no 3 next tues...

MistleToo · 30/11/2005 18:01

don't!

Enid · 30/11/2005 18:02

dh wants to

I never have before

am hoping babe has its legs crossed

walkinginawinterBundleland · 30/11/2005 18:05

enid, i found out last time but hadn't planned to, it was a bit of a last minute decision. dh didn't want to know at first and i would have respected that.

MistleToo · 30/11/2005 18:05

but knowing doesn't change the fact.

what's all this 'get used to the idea' bunkum! you've got 20+ years to get used to the idea!

flamesparrow · 30/11/2005 18:30

I'm with Mistletoo (I'm assuming you're JT???) don't do it. I don't understand the "get used to" thing either...

I don't see how it is "easier" to know... is it really that hard to hold off buying boy/girl outfits until the baby is born?

foundintranslation · 30/11/2005 18:31

We had a scan at 16 weeks with ds (our first and - so far - only child) and the gyn said 'I know what it is if you want to'. We hadn't been planning to find out, but I knew if he could see it at that stage it had to be a boy - which had been my 'feeling' since about 12 weeks anyway. At that moment there was a tiny tiny pang of something, but I think it was more because I'd always imagined myself having a girl iyswim. It was immediately overwhelmed, though, by pure relief that everything was going so well, as my first pg had ended in mc. dh and I named him that weekend and I spent the rest of the pg just looking forward to him. Now he is 6 months and I actually can't imagine having a girl instead . We hope to ttc again in a few months and although I would like a girl, I would like another boy too. We want 3 or 4 in total and although it would be nice to have the 'experience' of having a girl at least once, I also love the idea of having half a football team at home . I think we won't find out the sex in the next pg.

eidsvold · 01/12/2005 02:13

To give you a totally different perspective - we found out at 21 weeks that our baby had a very serious heart defect - initially misdiagnosed as something with a not so good an outcome. We were reffered on and then learned that our unborn babe would be born with a serious heart defect that would require open heart surgery not too long after birth.

We did want to know with the first the gender of our babe as I was convinced the baby was a girl. When they found the heart defect - I could not have cared less what gender the baby was..... it really became so trivial in a sense.

After some fetal cardiac scans and a lot of medical information, we were told there was a very high chance our child would be born with down syndrome - higher than 1 in 5. We then had to grieve for the loss of our' perfect baby' what a loss and waste of energy that was... She is our perfect babe - you see we were the one in 5 and at 8 weeks old - I had to hand my child over to surgeons and she underwent two open heart surgeries in a matter of days - the gender really isn't that important when you are wondering whether you child will be in the 5% of those that do not survive surgery or you watch your child be brought out of a medically induced coma and suffer and almost die.

Again - it put everything in perspective. We met a couple at Kings who had tried for years to have a child, several unsuccessful ivf treatments later - had discovered their baby would be born with down syndrome. To them the gender was irrelevant - they were having to struggle with the question of whether to have this baby at all - not whether they could possible ever cope with a boy when they wanted a girl or vice versa.

We now have 2 girls and my dh and I could not be happier. He does however get asked if he would like a boy and he is adamant - NOPE my two girls are gorgeous. He is the last male on his father's side to carry on the 'name' so to speak BUT it is not an issue.

eidsvold · 01/12/2005 02:15

sorry - so in short to answer your question - no

mrsdarcy · 01/12/2005 02:50

I have a similar experience to Eidsvold. After losing a baby at 19 weeks (confirmed by scan) I had lots of scans during my 4th pregnancy. I found out at 16 weeks we were having a girl and at 25 weeks that she had a brain abnormality and might have Edward's Syndrome. She's now 4 months old and the brain abnormality, so far, doesn't seem to be affecting her development, but she is being carefully monitored.

So for me Scan Day isn't necessarily an exciting day out when you get closer to "knowing" your baby. I have panic attacks before scans, and an upset tummy.

Having said all that, during the few relaxed moments in my last pregnancy, there was something lovely about knowing what she was. I guess that if I could find out the sex without having the anomaly scan I'd go for it, but if there was something wrong with the baby I wouldn't want to know about that.

Kristingle · 01/12/2005 05:45

Allyco - i think that if you think you might have a strong preference for one sex rather than the other, then you should find out, if possible , at the scan. But remember that its not 100% reliable.Then you have a chance to get your head around it and work through your feelings.

As most people have said, even when you think you really REALLY want a boy/girl, once you have got over the initial surprise / disapointment you will be delighted with either!!

FWIW, we had a child with SN and still wanted to know the sex during subsequent pregnancies......so everyone is different

eidsvold · 01/12/2005 06:05

I know the hospital trust where dd23 would have been born had we not emigrated would not tell expectant mums the gender of their baby unless there was a condition that affected particular genders and the family had a history of this iyswim.

we did ask for the gender of dd1 - figured we wanted something to come out of the detailed anomaly scans we were having. It jsut wasn't a priority iyswim.

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