stop talking about my bodily functions!

[Conchita]

just spent ages typing out a long, witty thread with funny anecdotes but MN ate it and I can't be bothered to try to write it again!
So, in a nutshell, does anyone else get fed up with people at work/at the hairdressers/in public generally shouting out embarrassing questions and comments like
'Have you got piles/wind/constipation?', 'You'll have a fango like the channel tunnel you know', 'Did you know you're going to sh*t yourself in the delivery suite'
etc etc
Or do I just know too many coarse people

No, you're not the only one. Know you when you see sales assistants wearing those pins that say "ask me about our special offers!", I may as well be wearing one saying "ask me about my private business".

I remember when I was pregnant with DS and my youngest brother, who was 8 going on 9, told me in graphic detail exactly what was going to happen in the delivery room and what it would feel like - like doing a giant poo made of broken glass apparently. This time around he's given me tips on avoiding piles, information on dealing with constipation ("just poo when you need to, you know?"), and advised me that I should breastfeed.

Oh yes, FIL making retching noises at me when I was 7/8 weeks pregnant after DH told him I had morning sickness.

People at work telling me I'll wet myself all the time after giving birth as I'll have no pelvic floor.

Lots of sh*t yourself in labour stories.

And a group of women I had only just been introduced to at a friend's party ("ooh my friends have had babies and you are pregnant talk to them...") all quizzing me on whether I was going to breastfeed and for how long.

God and I still cringe when I think about a nice enough guy I work with that as soon as he knew I was pregnant kept asking me every time saw him
"hows it cooking?" whilst patting his stomach. Don't ask me why but I just tried to keep off the subject at work and he made me feel really uncomfortable even though I know there was fundamentally nothing wrong with his friendly interest - I was being unreasonable!!

Although I am constantly amazed about what people think you want to share with them when you don't know them! Don't get me started on the people who asked if it was a planned pregnancy!

A girl I worked with agreed with me vehemently when I said "I'm getting sick of all the horror stories." (her DS is 4.5)

She has since told me, in graphic detail, everything that happened to her in her pregnancy and labour, told me what I will and wont want to do, how I will and wont feel in the delivery suite, discussed her stitches with me in graphic detail and likes to "freak me out" by telling me horror stories.

None of it particularly bothers me, my mum is a midwife, I've heard it all before, but why do people feel the need?

Don't even get me started on "Were you trying for long/was it planned?" Why would I want to discuss that with anyone but my DH?!

I never talk about labour in graphic detail with anyone whose pg with their 1st as I don't think it's fair. I wait 'till they've delivered, then ask them for all the details and say things like 'aren't epidurals f amazing'!

Vix286 I think if anyone touches my bump uninvited I will floor them! I have witnessed the office letch touching up pg ladies' bumps in the past and will be avoiding him like the plague later on in my pg. Then again only 2 men in my office have actually congratulated me on being preg, the rest sort of avoid eye contact like I am somehow tainted
Last night I went to the pub for a leaving do and a woman I'd never met before learnt I was pregnant and made a comment about the bottle of beer I was holding. It was actually Becks Blue, but it was also none of her bleeding business!

I love the 'was it planned question' do people honestly expect me to divulge my personal details on whether or not we cocked up contraception???? Expecting dc3, ds will be 18 months when she arrives. It's noones bloody business and we're v happy.
I'm now v happy that I can out do any tear stories! And have a strict policy of withholding info for 1st time mums apart from how great epidurals are too!!

Conchita it's a nightmare, luckily that chap is patting his own stomach not mine, cos I am with you, I would have to floor him, but seriously several people (women) at work one of whom I barely know have actually touched me!

One said as she touched me, "its funny I'd never normally touch anyone's stomach..."

I told my FIL's girlfriend to "f off" as she lunged towards me the first time, I'm such a great daughter in law....

Oops I misread your post! I did think that was a bit forward of your colleague. Bad luck on the touching from women though, I still wouldn't like that. I value my personal space! I'm 16 weeks so I feel the touching is yet to come. I may have to train junior to kick away pesky assailants!

Thankfully I haven't had much touching this time round. I had loads of uninvited belly patting when I was pregnant with DS but this time round I've got DS and his buggy firmly planted in front of my bump most of the time. Best barrier to uninvited touching ever :)

I was asked today if it's true that everything is stretched out after having a baby, "why yes Random Person, I have a vagina like a wind sock and my belly looks like an elephants ear. Any other questions?"*

• disclaimer: sarcasm. My bits are fine and my belly is ... well it's full of baby so it's hard to tell. But there was nothing elephantine about it before that.

No one make comments like that to me. One thing I had that does grate on me is one client that comes in everyweek is always sayin "hello fatty" and this week it changed to "hello chubby". Why would anyone say that to someone ?

I got plenty of horror stories with my first, am now pg with my third so it's changed to "oh, it'll be like shelling peas" and "you'll be used to it by now won't you?", even though it's been 6 years since I was last pregnant!
I don't tell anyone any horror stories (mainly because I don't have any) or give advice about pregnancy unless specifically asked. The only advice I freely give is listen to all the advice and tales, nod, thank them and then ignore the crap... it's usually appreciated!

and don't get me started on "was it planned?". It's enough to make me spit blood...

I think the thing that pissed me off most about "Were you trying? How long for?" was when I decided to respond honestly as I knew the person in question would just continue to ask otherwise (it was the third time she'd asked me, I sucessfully dodged it the first two times and while we were TTC she asked me several times if we were trying yet). The fact she chose to ask me over dinner with six other female friends is beside the point.

Seven months, said I.

Wow, that's a long time, isn't it?

Fortunately I'm used to her and her lack of tact, and responded that as six months is the average for those under 30 no I didn't think it was that long a time. She responded with the now traditional "Well everyone I know got pregnant the first month or by accident."

She KNEW how long I'd wanted children for and how long we'd had to wait to TTC (money, house, job etc etc etc) but unfortunately has the tact and diplomacy of a piece of cheese...

Toria I have an issue with the length of time questions as I was lucky enough to fall pregnant the first time we tried, I haven't shared this with friends who are having treatment to conceive or spent a long time TTC as it's not helpful, but some people don't let up do they? Then if I do tell they seem to think its DH that is amazing

I don't know what your friend is talking about 7 months is perfectly normal as far as I am aware, some people feel they have to make a comment about everything don't they?

CBear6 I tended to clutch an A4 notepad to me at work, but a buggy would have been so much better! I like to keep my personal space at the best of times so uninvited rubbing of my stomach is just not appreciated!

I can't believe people want to talk about your bits and their shape either!!!

pregnantmimi another guy at work thought it was funny to great me every me he saw me (he works out of the office so once every couple of weeks) with a new variation on "OMG who ate all the pies", "My god you are massive" etc etc

Oh Vix even those who knew it'd taken more than a month or two made comments about DH's sperm when we told them She is definitely one of those who has to have an opinion on everything. She's getting married next year so God help her if she doesn't conceive straight away!

For those facing the "How long did it take?" I find the reply "About ten minutes, not including foreplay." shuts them right up...

I have DS and I'm carrying DD so I've got the "magic" boy-girl combo. Lots of the inappropriate comments I'm getting are "you'll be able to stop after this one" and "wow, just think, you never need to do this again now!" - I plan at least one more (maybe even two) and always get told that I'm "keen" or a raised eyebrow "really?!", so annoying.

Getting lots of comments from FIL about my plan to give up work too

Loads of people who know me though have commented that I'm carrying smaller this time and that I was huge with DS. makes me feel retrospectively whale like.

I'd love to say it stops once they're born but it just gets worse. That old saying about how it takes a village to raise a child? Well every fecker in that village will have an opinion and won't be shy about sharing it.

I too have asked the how long were you TTC, in order to shut them up, I do say but I make sure I am tactful and start with 'I know I am very very lucky'...so many of my friends are TTC and they haven't been so lucky to conceive quite quickly. People don't think about what they are asking.

Tanif I am stealing that line - its great!

CBear6 Ah yes and the how many are you going to have line of questioning! I've already been asked if I am going to have more so I said I would see if I liked this one first!

Toria I have a friend like the one you describe, she is currently 26 weeks (I am 40 weeks - Today!! No sign of baby yet though) and she has interrogated my choice of hospital, (they are going to the big teaching one instead) food and drink, (alcohol, caffeine, shellfish, cheese), pushchair, car, length of maternity leave.........

Love that line Tanif!

I also like "What are you hoping for?" Well, a baby would be nice... I did tell someone my DH wants a puppy!

Vix I await this with glee. Fortunately we live nowhere near each other so I wont have her comparing hospitals but have already had a friend who's six weeks ahead of me going on about me eating Brie while she herself had a glass of red wine in front of her!

Ah yes I have a pg friend who has told me off for flying, wearing underwired bras and having planning to return to work. funnily enough I keep my own opinions to myself!