I'm so angry!!!!!

[sarahmia]

My mother has just announced that she wants to go to Scotland 10 days after I'm due, 3 days after she breaks up from school. For a week. Then 2 weeks later go on holiday for 10 days to Israel. When I said I was kinda relying on her help a bit especially since dd1 is on school holidays, my sister agreed with me and then my mum went off on one about how she has a life too and she needs a break etc etc. I'm so angry I basically just told her that I don't want her here and she should go. Oh how I do love to cut my nose off to spite my face.
Am I being hormonally unfair???

Can I ask all of the posters who flamed the op would you deny your children help if they asked??

Yes spitting her dummy out wasn't the best thing to do, but surely you have all been unreasonable at one stage or another during your pregnancy(s), I know I have.

I appreciate your opinion compared to your circumstances, however having a rant at her because of your situation is unfair, we are all faced with problems everyday, and shouldn't we be supporting each other instead of hurling abuse??

That's what I thought MN was about, helping each other. If a friend in RL asked the same question you would be careful to be more tactful in your response.

YABVU.

Bye then.

i think you are being a little unfair, you decided to have children and they are your responsibilty not your mums. She has done her fair share of sleepless nights with you, if she wants to go on holiday that's up to her, my mum is going down south the week i'm due to see her husbands (my stepdads) family (we had already agreed my mil will be at the birth, my mum was there with my ds1) and then a week later she is going to corfu i think once you reach a certain age you have to realise your parents lives no longer revolve around you.

I think the OP's mum is typical of many of that generation, sucking up loads of support when they had their kids and then denying it to the next generation.

Imagine it was the other way around, that the OP's mum had decided to have elective surgery for something and the OP was bleating on about having her own life and going on holiday, yada, yada. Wouldn't that sound selfish? Well this does too.

I should add I asked my mum over when I had DS4 and far from helping fold washing or making a cup of tea, she was such a princess, demanding I act on a daily basis as a native guide to local garden centres and so on, and complaining that I was not able to pander to her every need, and how it was supposed to be her 'holiday' and a 'break' for her, that I decided it was too exhausting to have her around. I haven't asked her back - she's popped by once or twice for a meal but disappeared before the washing up. People like that baffle me, they really do.

Yes, you are being unfair but since I am pregnant I totally understand the 'hormonal' side of things and how you would like support.

And yes, I think some posters have been rather harsh with the mannerism of their posts. A simple 'yes you are being unfair' would have done without making the OP more upset and needy.

I'm relatively new to MN (about 2 months) and I too thought it was a place where you could have a rant no matter how unreasonable you are and get support even if people don't agree with you.

Try not to take offence at some people's comments. I tend to find 99% of those on MN are supportive, kind and helpful.

"Try not to take offence at some people's comments. "

...especially not ones posted around midnight on a Saturday

How old is your DD Sarahmia?

I don't think you shouldn't need much help with a baby & 1 school aged child. You may find that your DD will be helpful with a new baby, i know my little ones are.

I do think you're being unfair, your mum has had her kids & has her own life.
Yes it'd be nice if she was available to help you out but you shouldn't be upset that she's not available.
My sister has 8 kids, DP works long hours.
She's at home dealing with kids aged 13,11,10,8,7,1,1 & 9 months all on her own. She had no one helping her after her DP paternity leave & she has twins.

My mum took 2 days off of work when i had my 6th baby in november...... how nice you must think. Well she didn't look after my kids & only visited me once with my DH & the kids even though i was in hospital for 5 days & only stayed for 15 mins. I was alone most of the time in hospital as DH was looking after the kids after school, so could only be at the hospital for a few hours during the day. So my mum took 2 days off and stayed at home lol...... my mum is a little strange.
I never expected her to pop round (lives 5 mins away) to help me out after i got home either.

Can your sister not help you out?

God, can people not see that the poor op is maybe worried/hormonal, and just wanted a bit of a rant and maybe some constructive replies? She doesn't sound ungrateful or spoilt to me - just someone who is quite reasonably worried about coping....

Instead she gets something along the lines of " Oh get a grip, I've had 700 kids and I have no arms or legs, live in a hole in the ground, and eat grass, and my mum left me in a ditch, so she's never given me ANY help....."

Just love the way women love to beat up on other women ....

Well lovemysleep it seems there are lots of women out there who are perfect and who have perfect children that never cry , sleep well and don't wake up every two hours to feed for an hour! It does make me wonder what must be wrong in other people's lives to make them react so aggressively to a post like this and to resort to name calling!

My dad said (4 months before dd1 was due) the he wanted him and mum to travel Europe for the year and that was their plan. I was really upset but when I mentioned it to mum she said "no way and she wanted to be there for me when dd arrived".

I understand that you want your mum to be excited for you but I do think 3 weeks out of a year is not unreasonable of your mum - did you discuss your hopes with your mum beforehand? Don't let it ruin your relationship with your mum - we're all allowed to be selfish sometimes.

Not sure why people are being so harsh though - some people are just plain nasty. Don't give up on Mumsnet because of a few people who have no manners or empathy - most of us are really nice and supportive. x

im sure the op is more upset that it feels like her mother would rather go on holiday than get to know her new grandchild - as im sure many of us would be? but it seems like a lot of people interpreted that as 'i cant look after my kids alone'. im sure her upset at her mother has now been over-shadowed by some of the insensitive and unkind remarks on here.

grow up ladies and stop being such bullies.

It's the nasty way that the OP dealt with her mum which is getting her flamed. Was she expecting everyone just to say well done for shouting at her mum and telling her to get out?

i do think op is a bit pathetic. My mum buggered off when i was a teenager and not seen for dust since - i coped

Shit that you had too though Goblin, isn't it. :(

You know what, Sarahmia, I do understand where you're coming from. When I had my DD1, my MIL asked me whether I really needed her to be around when the baby was born, as she would like to go on holiday. Now, on a personal level I didn't even want her there. But I was absolutely so offended that she thought her holiday was more important than this grandchild (not her first but her first for many years and the first to be born in this country). This btw followed a strange attitude during the pregnancy where she showed minimal interest - there were strangers on the bus who knew more about the pregnancy that she did. To cut a long story short, I reacted much as you did and told her to go on holiday. Was this entirely reasonable? Probably not, but i was very hurt. I don't really have any constructive advice. But rest assured, you're not the only one to have been through something similar and reacted that way. In the end, btw, she turned out to be a very dedicated grandmother (albeit not in those first days!!).

As for all the people who don't have mums to support them, whose mums are dead or live too far to help them - I also do not have a mother, she passed away several years ago. Since then I have been through a lot of bereavement counselling, including group therapy. And you know what they keep on telling us? That just because you think you have it 'harder' than someone else does not mean that for them, their situation and hardship is not very real. Just because your mother can't support you doesn't mean that someone else is not entitled to feel aggrieved that their mother won't. There's no spectrum of suffering, every situation is different. I hear my friends complain the whole time that their mothers don't do enough for them / didn't come to their kids' parties etc etc etc ---- yes, it hurts that my mother simply isn't here to do those things, but does that mean that no one else is ever allowed to worry or complain about their relationship with their mother? Grow up.

hi, some of the comments do sound a bit harsh in the way which their worded. my mum was nearby for the birth of our 1st and 2nd then went on holiday straight after, my aunt told her off 4 doing so, but it was myn and dh's choice 2 have children, my mum brought up me and my brother as a single mum, its not her responsibility to look after my children too. number 3 is on the way, she's said she doesnt want 2 go away again until after this little un is here, which is nice, but 2 be honest, if she did go away i wouldnt mind. as i said we've made the choice 2 add 2 the family, for us, though the support is lovely, our family is no-one elses responsibility and i know if she saw me struggling (hormones, tiredness etc) when she was around, she's be very kind on taking baby 4 a walk so i could get some rest-thats what mums do (4 us) x

op, is your mum a teacher? what would you do if your baby was born in term time?
I think you should be getting your partner to help or pehaps your sister or inlaws?

My mum and stepdad were going away on holiday for a long weekend in July, but as soon as they found out it was the weekend before my due date they dropped all their plans, got refunds on their ferry tickets and refused point-blank to go. Bear in mind though this is their first grandchild, and I want my mum there throughout the labour, so it's not EXACTLY the same.

But going away for quite that much time is a bit much. If it were for a week or something then that would be OK, and it's her prerogative. But I personally think she's being selfish for assuming that she can just jet off when you're likely to need your mum more than ever. Saying that, I think you're being a bit selfish for just assuming that she has no life and would drop everything.

hi there i thought i would add my 2 cents worth.
I do think some of the comments on here are completely uncalled for and didn't need to be worded the way it was. BUT the question was am i being unreasonable, she has asked a question and just because she doesn't like the answers doesn't want to be apart of the thread anymore? hmm...
Anyway i have a mixed opinion about this yes i think she is being a bit unreasonable, i don't think anyone should ever expect their mother to put their life on hold due to the decisions that they have made, it wasn't her mothers decision to have a baby it was hers, but it saying that when the day comes that i have grandchildren there would be no where in the world i would rather be then with my daughter, and think that ur mum is being a little selfish and as a mother should be there for her daughter if she needs her and i think u have every right to be upset and hurt.
I wish you all the very best and hope u have good friend and partner around u! good luck! :)

I'm afraid, OP, that it's a rule on Mumsnet that you must never ever expect your parents to do anything. They are your children, you chose to have them, your parents have done their bit and now have their own lives to lead.

However, it is perfectly acceptable to expect the mother of your child's friend from school to pick up the slack so I'd suggest hot footing it down there and waiting for willing participants.

Personally I think YANBU to expect some support from your mother. It's what families do, or at least it's what they do in my world. Maybe I'm just odd...

you were hormonal but that's understandable.
It's horrible to feel rejected like that.
To all those martyrs who have looked after keds on their own yadda yadda put your medals away.
It is not normal to be expected to look after kids on your own, you do need help. To expect your mother to do it is (maybe taking her for granted ) but normal again.
Op I hope you make it up with your mum and you get the help you need

my mum moved to another country when my dd1 was a month old when i was 18. i think this was very harsh. your mum going on hols is not really. are you a sp?

ops that will teach me not to read the whole thread didnt realise we were not suppose to be doing are hard luck stories in relation to the op and telling her to buck up my bad.