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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

I'm so angry!!!!!

99 replies

sarahmia · 02/07/2011 23:25

My mother has just announced that she wants to go to Scotland 10 days after I'm due, 3 days after she breaks up from school. For a week. Then 2 weeks later go on holiday for 10 days to Israel. When I said I was kinda relying on her help a bit especially since dd1 is on school holidays, my sister agreed with me and then my mum went off on one about how she has a life too and she needs a break etc etc. I'm so angry I basically just told her that I don't want her here and she should go. Oh how I do love to cut my nose off to spite my face.
Am I being hormonally unfair???

OP posts:

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silverangel · 03/07/2011 08:38

I can see both sides of this. I'm very lucky, my mum has cancelled her two week holiday to france because its around the same time my twins are due. I told her not to, but no way she wouldn't be here (first gc). I think that's very different to expecting your mum to be around to help out though.

PinkFondantFancy · 03/07/2011 08:41

Blimey has this thread just been moved off AIBU??

Sarahmia is it worth trying to talk to her again more calmly now you've both had time to reflect?

MmeLindor. · 03/07/2011 09:12

I agree kara.

When I had DS my mother took unpaid leave to come and help out. And to see her new grandchild.

And, yes, responses on the thread have been harsh. This is not Aibu and even if it were, there is no need to be rude.

mumatron · 03/07/2011 09:27

I dont think this thread is harsh at all.

presumably op is a grown woman who has chosen to have dc, she should not expect her mother or any one else to drop their own lives and help her.

fair enough she can ask for help but to throw her toys out of the pram just because her mum is going on holiday is just pathetic.

Op- speak to your mum again, calmly explain your feelings and you never know she may change her mind. getting angry at her is not going to help the situation.

there are loads of us who didn't have the option of help from family and we coped just fine, as will you i'm sure.

good luck

rainbowinthesky · 03/07/2011 09:32

Surely op you must have a dp or a dh?? Why would you need the additional support and help of your mother? I can see why she is ensuring she is going away.

pinkytheshrinky · 03/07/2011 09:32

I have four kids an no mummy (dead) - you sound so incredibly selfish, hormonal or otherwise, your pregnancy your baby your problem. If you cannot manage two children perhaps you should have stayed with having just one.

pinkytheshrinky · 03/07/2011 09:33

Oh and you need to apologise to your Mother - pregnancy is not an excuse to be badly bahaved and rude

yummymango · 03/07/2011 09:42

Never fails to amaze me how mean the women can be on here sometimes.

mumblebum · 03/07/2011 09:52

Wow, harsh replies! I don't think it's unreasonable at all to expect some help from family when you have a baby. It's not like it's something you do every day is it?! My Mum has been here without question every time. Ok you can't demand it, but I don't think it's an outrageous expectation.

BehindLockNumberNine · 03/07/2011 09:53

I don't think my reply was rude at all. The OP asked 'am I being hormonally unfair?'
I said she was, both unfair and hormonal. (and the hormonal goes some way to explaining why the op is feeling this way)

She asked, I answered.

I understand Sarah, that you are upset at your mum not being around. But you should not be 'so angry' (your words) with her.

Hope you make it up with your mum and good luck for the birth.

pinkytheshrinky · 03/07/2011 10:02

She told her Mother to leave because she could not get what she wanted - pregnant or otherwise no one should treat their family like that because they cannot get their own way. She has a sister and a partner and ffs it is having a baby - there are no school runs, it is in fact easier to cope then than getting a child to school everyday.

Hormonally unfair maybe, behaving like a spoiled brat: definitely

SockMunkee · 03/07/2011 10:06

It would probably be nice to have your mum around to help but she has other plans, you were wrong to tell her not to go imo.
I am a single parent, zero help and I cope.
You will be fine.

kiteflying · 03/07/2011 10:08

Just wanted to say that even if the OP is being unfair, I totally relate to why she would be angry and upset. I would be devastated if my mother announced unapologetically that a holiday to Scotland was more important to her than being around for me when I had a new baby to care for.
I actually don't think it is unfair to expect your mum to at least CARE about being around even if she maybe has weighed up everything and decided that really its her only chance to get away, etc etc.

I don't think its all about the OP just wanting a extra set of hands, like some people seem to have inferred.
Like Kara said, isn't that just what families do?
I think the 'I have a life too" is such a slap in the face. Isn't the arrival of a new grandchild part of your life then Mum?

mumblebum · 03/07/2011 10:13

I can't really blame OP for being upset though. Especially if this means her OH is left looking after the older child so she has to get herself to hospital and have the baby unsupported. And looking after a newborn and an older child is hard. It's stupid to suggest otherwise. And not all men get paternity leave. My DH doesn't because he's not a permanent employee. Luckily we can afford for him to take the time off unpaid but not everyone is in such a fortunate position. OP obviously feels badly let down here, and yes is probably hormonal and scared.

OP I hope you can calm down and talk rationally with your Mum about this and repair your relationship to some extent. It does look like you will have to make plans without her in them, which is a shame, but it is her right not to help if she doesn't want to. Doesn't make it particularly nice of her, but it is her right. Time to gather your friends and maybe your sister around to offer support instead.

KaraJS · 03/07/2011 10:28

Cant imagen when my children have kids of their own that I wouldn't want to be around to help out , my kids come first and that won't change when they become adults, everyone is untitled to their own life but were talking about a few weeks out of the whole year here! I'm sure you will cope fine alone but when you have family close by you shouldn't have too! After all none of us know how things will go, unfortunately some people don't have an easy time during child birth and many people struggle with pd after, through no fault of their own. Although it might have Been harsh to tell mum to leave I have a feeling you were more upset that she won't be around than angry and all those on here with their your selfish and grow up replies sound slightly bitter that they had to do it all alone !

NatzCNL · 03/07/2011 10:37

Sarahmia, you may have reactedly badly, but I understand that. I would be upset if my mum decided to go on holiday at the time of any of my dc's births. My mum always checks with me, my sister and SIL before she books any holidays to ensure that she is around in case one of us are expecting (we are on a bit of a baby boom, and have had 8 between us in the last 6 years). And although I have not really 'needed' my mum due to wonderful support from DP, it is a very important time in my life and I could not imagine not having my mum here to share it with me.

I have some friends who are embarking on the next grown up step and discussing/having children, and 2 of them do not have their mums at all and would give anything to have them on this earth to meet their new grandchildren. I understand that OP's mum has her own life, but as another poster added, this is her grandchild and also a part of her life.

Sarahmia, I hope you are able to resolve things with your mum, and if she is not there at this important time in your life, to be able to move past that. I know you must be hurt, but I hope that this is something that you can both get past x

Crosshair · 03/07/2011 11:30

''Am I being hormonally unfair???''

People saying yes is being harsh.

Ask her if she wouldnt mind changing her dates?

lizandlulu · 03/07/2011 11:38

good post kiteflying. exactly what i would have put if i was good with words.

i think once one or 2 posters disagree then it opens the flood gates for others too, so they dont feel like the only ones.

happywheezer · 03/07/2011 11:42

I had a similar situation. I see where you are coming from.
You have every right to be annoyed with your mum because you thought that she would be there to help you.
My mother decided to change her plans or not tell me what she was planning to do, after my section with DS2, she decided to go on holiday for a month.
The section and recovery were horrible. I felt that goiung on holiday for a month was a bit much. But my mum can do what ever she wants, as she is an adult, but you can still feel peed off by her decisions.

She had an op and I helped out with her recovery, she just didn't return the favour with me. And then she said that "didn't she deserve a holiday?" considering the fact that I haven't been on holiday for ages and she only had one 2 months before.

As it turned out, we all got through it in the end, and it's not as bad as what it might seem to start.
You'll get through it!Just return the favour sometime!

carriedababi · 03/07/2011 11:47

this is what i hate about mn.

your often in the wrong whatever you do

some people just want someone to have a go at

if you had posted that you don't think you'll want visitors for a week or 2 you would have been flamed and called over bearing and that your keeping the grandchild from the gps etc

you really can't win

personally i think shes a bit of a cow doing that to you and i'd be pissed off too.

DialsMavis · 03/07/2011 11:48

yes you are being hormonal and a bit immature. But that aside; IME baby no 2 is a piece of piss compared to baby 1. You won't have school runs to worry about and if your DD is of school age she can presumably enetertain herself a bit. Do you have a DH/DP who can take a week or two pat leave? If totally on your own I can sort of see why the need for a bit of help, but it still isn't your right to expect it.

nicolamumof3 · 03/07/2011 11:51

Um I suppose I'm lucky to have very hands on helpful parents. I would be a bit sad and upset if my mother chose to go away but I certainly wouldn't be angry or have a go at her about it!! It's not actually that hard, invade three dcs and expecting another anytime now unsure how much time dh will have off as starting a new job this week. I certainly don't expect any from my mum but would be nice if she did.

meditrina · 03/07/2011 12:05

I was wondering why the OP was surprised so late on - if she wanted her mother there, surely his would normally have been discussed some time in advance? Especially as it sounds as though the mother is a teacher and therefore has set dates when she is not at work, and like everyone her own preferences for what she does in the holidays.

If the OP didn't discuss this with her mother, when there was still time to negotiate, then she has herself brought about this situation.

pregnantmimi · 03/07/2011 12:12

It would upset me too Im close to my mum and would want her to be around not for help but just be around xx

Tangle · 03/07/2011 12:42

Sarahmia - had you talked to your mother about her being around before she booked her holiday? Do you have the kind of relationship where she's around a lot or does she normally only come when invited?

Whether its reasonable to be angry depends on how things normally are - if you'd asked her before and you'd normally be there for each other then I'd also be very hurt and upset that she's decided that this time (when its reasonable to assume she'd want to be there for you like normal, if not more so) she's going to be 100's of miles away and unable to help. However, if she's normally only involved on request and you haven't brought it up before now then its possible she's been working on the assumption you don't want her help as haven't asked and (as it sounds as though her holiday times are limited) figured she may as well go away as sit at home feeling unwanted and lonely.

I can see why you're upset (and being heavily pregnant is rarely a time when women are at their most reasonable) and I'm sorry you feel your mum has let you down. It does sound as though you might have over-reacted a little, so a chat when you're a bit calmer would probably be a good idea.

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