'Ooh it's going to be so hard, you have no idea!'

[spatchcock]

Any new parents-to-be fed up to the back teeth of hearing this?

My in laws came to stay over the weekend and all I heard was 'been out with friends? oooh, make the most of it, your freedom is going to disappear!' 'Slept in? ooh, you'll be in for a shock soon!' 'long day? oooh, you don't know what long days are!' Accompanied by lots of smug 'you'll see' looks.

Also getting this from a few friends/colleagues who don't even have children!

Yes thanks, it's going to be difficult but there's no point crying and wringing my hands about it now!

Am tempted to come up with a witty (bitter) reply.

for in laws - "Oooh, you're getting on a bit now - you're going to struggle getting up the stairs soon! And death is just around the corner!"

friends - "Oooh, you'd better think about procreating yourself otherwise it'll be too late!"

(Don't worry, will keep the bitter comments to myself...)

They might all be right, but keep telling me and telling me about how hard it's going to be etc doesn't help! There is nothing I can do about it now!!!

I'm also sick of people telling me how much breast feeding will hurt because it hurt terribly when they did it.
If I want to try it I'll bloody well try it!!!

hhm, Bunny Maybe that's why I feel more prepared now, at 35, because I don't hanker after my old life anymore.
i've changed a lot over the years, and it's a long while since I found clubbing on the weekend (for example) the most important thing in my social life.
I don't want to go back particularly to any of my old life, because I have accepted that growing up means change, and change is not always bad!

I want to move forward with my life with DH, and that includes having a person to pass all my books onto when I die.
I'm so excited about the prospect of bringing up a child, that I think I can cope with the panics and stresses of the first few months (after all, it's only a few months, right? This Too Shall Pass?)

"Having a bad day, otchayaniye?"

No - but I do have a mother (am an only child) who doesn't even ask about my older child -- let alone is overly bothered about this pregnancy. Sometimes people should be reminded that the typical (albeit slightly annoying) guff people spout is part and parcel of the jostle between friends and family as you move from one state to another. You do need to be thankful that you have friends and family who care. Really.

And not missing to piss on your parade. Congratulations and I hope you settle into childcaring with equanimity and some serenity.

But people do feel the need to fill the ether with hot air, and this is how they do it. Most people even my friend whose a billionaire and has help and servants coming out of her ears found having children epoch shifting. Not just sleeplessness (my issue), not just feeding (oh, did I say I fed a prem baby 18 hours out of 24 many days in the early stages?), but the shift in responsibility, the Groundhog Day-ness of it, the way it tests your relationships.

These are not necessarily Bad Things but they can hit you in a way you cannot plan for. I guess that's what people are trying awkwardly and gauchely, to impress on you. Plus British people can feel a bit sentimental if they then try and balance this with the lovely things.

I had hired a live in nanny for when my first was born. I was going back to work in 3 months. I was going to go on holidays and basically just take my child with me. I thought Gina Ford made sense.

The minute she was born that all went out of the window and here I am an extended breastfeeding, slingcarrying to-all-intents-and-purposes APer and UPer.

About a total life change as you can get. Same with my husband, who is a SAHD out of choice. But before wasn't going to ever change a nappy.

My life is joyful, I love my daughter so much it hurts to be away from her sometimes. She's taught me a new way of looking at the world. Having her has strengthened our relationship but also tested it. She is life and laughter and love. I've never thought anything else even after 3 sleepless (I mean SLEEPLESS) nights in a row.

But is it hard? Harder than I thought it would be? Fuck yeah. And I don't mind putting my hand up to it.

Good luck, but it won't be what you expect. And that is the joy and pain of it.

"Oooh it's going to be tough, you don't have a clue! You won't have time for a glass of water or to pair your socks. You enjoying that sandwich? Well make the most of it because you won't have time to assemble a sandwich after the baby comes, you'll have to eat all the components separately at snatched intervals. Oooh, that's a nice top - there'll be sick on that soon, just you wait! You really don't know how hard it will be. Ooh you two do look happy together - well your relationship will change forever, mark my words!"

Thanks, mum.

Beautifully put, otchayaniye.

and I am nodding along to you, nickelbabe.

"I don't want to go back particularly to any of my old life, because I have accepted that growing up means change, and change is not always bad!"

Wise words. I agree about the books, too.

Its annoying isn't it - I think they should just let you find it all out for yourself! Though I am afraid they are all right !

I'm expecting DC2 (DD will be 2.4) and this time round people say "oh, when you've got a toddler and a newborn, you'll wonder how you found it so hard with just one baby!"

help!

I haven't read all the posts so apologies.

Yes they are right, things will change, you won't have a lie in, you won't spontaneously be able to go out (remember an incident with bf and her last months of pg in my first months of motherhood and her saying to me "am just grabbing my handbag" - oooh you know nothing young lady nothing of what is to come )

What pisses me off is the way people put it so negatively, do you know what yup my life has changed so much for the better - I have 2 beautiful little people who I love unconditionally, drive me bonkers, sleep when I don't want them too, be awake and playing when I don't want them to BUT I wouldn't go back to being without them. For all the money in the world.

Thats the important bit to focus on, and if not just leavea whiffy nappy or some vomit stained clothes in the path of the negative ones!

PS meant to add that although they are right about your life changing, they don't mention the joy of having your own child and parenting together with your DH.

Yes you and your DH will probably go through periods when it feels like you have no time for each other and you are not as intimate anymore and that life is one long baby-focussed slog.

But this is very much offset by the sheer shared joy of watching your precious first born grow and learn. There is nothing like standing holding your DH's hand listening to your PFB singing in the bath/taking first steps/saying first word etc etc.

That said, what wouldnt DH and I give for a weekend away in Paris on our OWN! Perhaps we should squeeze it in before DC2 comes in Oct and the whole saga starts again from square one .... oh lord ...

promotion Figgy ?
(ps, glad you're on this thread , was hoping you will be helping me in the shop in December )

I'm looking forward to baby vomit on my clothes - at least when I have a baby to blame for looking scruffy, it won't feel like people are staring at me "not got a washing machine, woman?"

Yes having a baby is a life change, yes it is really hard work at times - particularly in the beginning. I had an unplanned pregnancy aged 27, single mother. Would I change things? not for the world! I have a gorgeous 9 yr old DD. It does get easier and now sometimes she sleeps later than me, and if she doesn't, she brings me a cup of tea in bed - no one did that before I had her! We go girly shopping together and it is so funny seeing her try things on, looking at herself in the mirror! Sure she has her moments - don't we all? and yes her Dad has caused me untold stress, but nothing out weighs the positives.
So far every age has had it's challenges, but it has got easier. We haven't hit the teenage years yet, but I am looking forward to seeing my baby girl become a young woman. I also look back with very fond memories and cherish her baby/toddler hood.
So the advice I would give is - yes it is hard work , yes your life does change, but for me it has definitely been for the better. I wish all of you embarking on parenthood for the first time, Best Wishes, I hope you have as good an experience as I have had.

I remember feeling utter utter hate towards every woman that i knew who had given birth because they KNEW what was going to happen and not one of them told me.
Actually sat me down and TOLD me what was really going to happen.

I had no idea, no fucking idea of how hard it was going to be.

Having said all that, i would consider that it would be very unfair of me to tell any of my experience to a pregant woman, they would not believe or listen anyway.

I suppose what they all say is true, but i get why you are annoyed or irritated at their smugness and know it all expressions.

fgs miserable bunch of gits i reckon!!

I am expecting dc4 and the amount of 'rolled eyes' and 'oooh you must be mad' comments i've had.

Yes its bloody hard work, yes you are tired..but no your life and your freedom isn't over. There's plenty you can do with and without your kids. Having my children has been the best thing i've ever done. The sleepless nights aren't forever!

The biggest surprise was how i was professionally derailed.

Work had been my focus 100%, i was 33, had had a lovely life with dh, was ready for the big changes as i had enjoyed my free life prior.

Work was a distant memory, a place i used to go.

When ds arrived, he changed everything. He changed it all in a moment.

I was exhausted, i was drenched to my bones with exhaustion, i felt dizzy and physically sick such was my exhaustion, but when he looked at me and when his little fingers gripped my little finger, i was happy with every single breath.
We kept just looking at him, just staring at him. We could not believe that he was there and that he was ours. Still cant and he is nearly 8.
Its the hardest thing we ever did, but by far the best.
We feel lucky beyond words.

Nicola

I so agree with you - I am so proud of my DD and that she seems to be turning out alright.

Not that I am a perfect mother by any stretch (am rather lazy if anything!), but I feel just very chuffed that she is now 2 years old, happy and healthy, a little personality all of her own and that my mothering attempt hasn't killed her off, permanently injured her or made her into a miserable or nightmare kid.

Nothing I've ever done before makes me feel so proud. I've got a few conventionally "high flying" achievements on my CV which frankly nowadays I really couldn't give a flying toss about compared to having my DD.

To all those on the thread about to become mums - it really is great!

I'm the last of a group of 6 friends to have a baby and I've witnessed all of them have very different babies. Even the ones who had to deal with colic, mastitis, general nightmarish bits and bobs actually rave about how wonderful it is to be a mummy and are the happiest I've seen them in a long time.
I agree that most normal adult women are more than aware of the fact that raising a child won't be a walk in the park. I don't say to people who announce engagements "Ooh you know half of all marriages end in divorce and you'll get bored of each other and resent each other and the sex will stop and he'll have affairs...". Mainly because there's a bloody good chance none of that may happen! haha!
I'm also getting generally fed up with people in this country being downright fecking miserable and negative about things that should be joyous! Gets more and more depressing every day :(

My MIL keeps telling me what I'm not going to be able to do with a screaming baby (like cook dinner).

She's my StepMIL and never had kids of her own! I've already got 1 three year old and recall being quite capable of cooking dinner when he was a baby.

I'm with you natwebb! It IS joyous and we should be concentrating on the positives. Some people just love stewing in their negativity.

None of the would-be mums on this thread are saying we're expecting a walk in the park. We (or I, don't want to speak for everyone) are just annoyed with the constant negativity and naysaying.

Confessions - my MIL came out with a blinder - I got up to get myself a drink of water and she said 'You won't even have time for a drink soon!'

I just said that humans can't survive longer than 24 hours without a drink so I hoped that wasn't true. After all, she raised four children and always looks hydrated.

I hate it personally and who is to say what IS going to be really hard? My sister had an awful pregnancy, due to really nasty health stuff, yet loads of people smugly went on how much harder having a baby would be. Actually, she's finding having her baby 50 times easier than pregnancy, she just really enjoys it and the lifestyle change hasn't bothered her at all.

I'm having a hard time not because of pregnancy itself but because of a diagnosis of terminal illness in my close family (so 'it'll get harder' comments would make me punch someone). However, I wouldn't going round telling people that they wouldn't know how hard it would be when THAT happens to a family member. Just because you have an experience doesn't mean that you know what it will be like for anybody else!

rant rant rant

Haven't read entire thread but YES! This annoys me so much! Strawberry-pissers, I call them (ie they piss on your strawberries).

The thing is, they're not doing it to be helpful, if they were they would offer actual advice. They're doing it simply to piss on your strawberries because people can't STAND others being too happy (/what they perceive as smug).

I wish I'd replied: 'Oh, I'm sorry you haven't enjoyed being parents, that's a shame'.

Then it never ends: 'just wait til they're a toddler', 'just wait to you have two' ad nauseum.

To those who are helpfully saying 'erm, they're right' -- the reason I find this irritating is that people seem to think that I hadn't already thought of these things before I got pregnant. Thanks, but I know my life will change. I know there will be things that I can't do that were easy before. But I thought it throught and thought it would be bloody worth it anyway.

And if, somehow, I hadn't thought of all those things before I got pregnant, what on earth good do they think their smug doom and gloom warnings are going to do? I'm 6 months pregnant, it's a bit late to change my mind now.

I agree, the comments I love are 'oh, it's the best thing ever'. They'll often follow that up by saying it's the hardest thing they've ever done, but still that it's the best thing ever.

When someone says, "Ooh, you have no idea how little sleep you'll get!", what they actually want you to answer with is:
"Oh, gosh, really? Please, sit down and tell me in great detail just how hard it was for you, and how heroic you are for putting up with sleepless nights for so long without complaining!"
Remember, all advice is autobiographical.
(And if it's a non-parent, they want you to say, "Gosh, yes, you're right, and that certainly justifies your life-choices. How wise you are!")

some people are just doom merchants spatchcock. It may not be intentional but it is negative. Especially when you could be feeling over sensitive anyway.

It doesn't stop after you're pregnant either. You'll get lots of "ooh how was the birth / feeding / sleeping through?"

Just learn to tune out, I did. I used to nod politely and daydream whilst they went on.

Enjoy your pregnancy, it goes so quick!

I know you're getting fed up with these comments, I remember I did. I thought, very naively, how hard can it be? Well I was in for the biggest shock of my life. My ds hated sleep and hated not being attached to me which was so hard as I never got a break. It's a complete adjustment to a new life so in their defence they are only trying to 'prepare' you so you can enjoy and make the most of your freedom. Enjoy your sleep and lounging around cos all that goes right out the window!!!