'Ooh it's going to be so hard, you have no idea!'

[spatchcock]

Any new parents-to-be fed up to the back teeth of hearing this?

My in laws came to stay over the weekend and all I heard was 'been out with friends? oooh, make the most of it, your freedom is going to disappear!' 'Slept in? ooh, you'll be in for a shock soon!' 'long day? oooh, you don't know what long days are!' Accompanied by lots of smug 'you'll see' looks.

Also getting this from a few friends/colleagues who don't even have children!

Yes thanks, it's going to be difficult but there's no point crying and wringing my hands about it now!

Am tempted to come up with a witty (bitter) reply.

for in laws - "Oooh, you're getting on a bit now - you're going to struggle getting up the stairs soon! And death is just around the corner!"

friends - "Oooh, you'd better think about procreating yourself otherwise it'll be too late!"

(Don't worry, will keep the bitter comments to myself...)

It is really hard work, but it's also really great, and the great outweighs the hard. I think all the parents I know would agree! Don't let them drag you down - think how lovely it will be to see your baby and watch it grow. My youngest just learnt to walk at nearly 18 months, and I nearly burst with pride every time she waddles past! Those moments, for me, are worth anything.

Oh dear Spatch, it is annoying! It is difficult though because while becomming a parent is absolutely amazing and wonderful I was absolutely shocked about how it changed everything and I had expected it to be hard. It's one of those things that unfortunately you just can't understand until you've been through it.

I'm sure your family just want you to appreciate those things which you will miss later, even if they are expressing it badly. As soon as your lovely baby is born one stage of your life is over for ever. A new exciting one begins but that doesn't mean that you won't sometimes miss your old life.

You think now that you'll never say these kind of things to friends who are pregnant and maybe you won't ... But I can guarrantee you'll think them!

Best wishes with your pregnancy, being a Mum is wonderful BUT:

Enjoy long lies
Revel in being able to just walk out the door without having to think about all the things you need with you or leaving copious instructions behind you
Enjoy your DH. Delight in what's wonderful about him. You may take time to find each other for a while through the fog of sleep deprivation.
Get your house organised - if it isn't now - you won't have the opportunity for some years.
Appreciate your body. You'll get it back but different.
Appreciate peace, quiet and time to yourself.

If all of the above seems harsh or unhelpful let me also say that it is all worth it when your child reaches for you, smiles, laughs or says "I love you". You've no idea yet how wonderful those things are either - but you will.

but how do you even manage to leave the house if your having to breastfeed every half an hour? it sounds so impossible!

i'm worrying about similar things, jenna - my way of looking at it positively is thinking maybe i'll get one of those slings and let the baby nuzzle when it needs to.
(i know it's not going to be that easy, but the rose-tinted specs might be the only way to get through it!)

People love to say this stuff. I'm currently PG with my 2nd DC. DC1 is only 7 months old so a pretty small age gap. I told my mum I was PG again and her reply was " ooo you've got your work cut out. That's going to be really hard work" No congratulations or Wow, that's fabulous news! Straight into the negative side straight away.
Yes it is hard work but it's well worth it and I'm sure I have no idea what's in store for me in a few months but I know I'll get through it and be the one to make the smug comments in the future!!

Jenna - you don't.

Bunny - if her family andfriends were wording it like you have, i'm sure she wouldn't be upset!

Oh for god's sake. At least someone's interested enough to bother commenting.

It's just shit people say for the sake of it. Get used to it as it doesn't end at the birth.

Oh, and you have no idea how hard it will be.

I know!! They said "why didn't you tell us how hard it was going to be?!?!?" and we said that we thought we had and even if we had been able to communicate to them exactly how hard it was, would they not have had children? Of course they said no!

It wad a bit of a jokey conversation BTW, they weren't seriously having a go at us. It was more of a joint moan about sleep deprivation and the relentlessness of it all

But feeding like that is only for a fairly short period and you'll find your rhythm soon enough. Don't worry too much though, all the things I worried about while pregnant turned out to be the wrong things! You'll be fine.

Ooops I exaggerated - sorry. It was 1st few mnths where she fed every 1/2hr, by about 4mnths she was feeding every 2 hours (from what I can remember). But she was 6lbs with a tiny stomach that couldn't take on more, so she had to feed frequently. Coffee shops were close by, as were baby groups. Also she fell asleep in the pram/sling so I got about fine. When all the do is eat, sleep and poop it really can be easy. I found it started to get harder when I introduced solids as that involved being organised, structured and cleaning up mess. DS is 6mnths & has been so different. He was nearly 8lb and an efficient feeder. He went every 3 to 4hrs from the start.

Would you prefer that people gave you a Rose tinted picture about the reality of it? IMHO that is more likely to lead to PND as the reality is that it is very hard work and life is changed for ever.

Of course it is all worth it, but hard to see it sometimes in those first few months.

Maybe it would be more useful to save the 'warnings' for people who are not actually pregnant yet - by the time you get to be pregnant enough for it to be public knowledge, there's not really a lot you can do about it!

It's probably true it won't end at the birth - once your baby is here people will be regaling you with tales of how awful it is having a toddler, how you can't imagine how difficult the teenage years will be, how it's only going to be worse when you have your second etc etc...you might have to learn to just and ignore!

Having a bad day, otchayaniye? :)

i really hope i can say after the first 6 weeks that it's all worth it, my mum's the worst for telling me how bad its going to be, i was apparently a demon baby and she seems quite pleased that i'm about to get my comeuppance.

no, trixy - the rose-tinted was my own view of it.
I don't mind people saying it's hard, just worded like Bunny said, rather than like the OP's friends!

Oh how I rolled my eyes at DM when she said this.I was going to finish my PGCE dontchaknow? while baby was happily sleeping or gurgling cheerfully playing with his toes.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

I don't think people say this maliciously its more something to say that is slightly annoying at the time,on a par with

"Oh aren't you BIG??" (Yep I'm carrying a 9lb baby in my tum)

The annoying thing is my mum was right [grr]

DO enjoy the peace and get some me time and sleeps in before the big event:)

It is fabulous though,despite it being the biggest lifechanger,well worth it all,Enjoy:)

jenna - could be worse - my mum says I was a perfect baby, really quiet and easy-going.
as i didn't last thatway, I'm guessing any child of mine will be hell.

"Would you prefer that people gave you a Rose tinted picture about the reality of it? IMHO that is more likely to lead to PND as the reality is that it is very hard work and life is changed for ever."

Most adults who have children are well aware that their lives will change without having to listen to others' subjective experiences. The effect of people going on and on about how hard it will be personally makes me tune out completely.

I don't think people mean anything by it but it is annoying. It really is just pointless chit chat. One friend of mine was a breath of fresh air - she said loads of positive things like "it is hard but it's so exciting and it really doesn't last long." All her positive comments really improved my pregnancy as I felt I was allowed to look forward to having a baby rather than feeling like I should dread it as the naysayers seemed to imply.

If it helps at all I don't find having a baby that hard at all really. I found working as a teacher hard, this is easy in comparison. DS (5 months) is a lovely smiley baby and I adore him. We have great fun going out together, and I love seeing him learning new things. Once he's in bed in the evening I can relax on the couch with a cup of tea and chat to DH and watch telly or have a nice bath. I don't have bloody fecking books to mark or useless reports to write. What's not to like? I do wish he would sleep a bit better, but other than that I think it's fab. I was always a home body so I think the baby life suits me. Best job I've ever had by far.

BTW my life has been changed forever certainly, but in a very very good way. I don't miss nights out or "freedom" to faff around and do pointless things.

I found it so irritating. Of course your life is going to change. Do they think we don't realise this when we're pregnant? Nothing could prpeare me for how hard it was going to be, but I really didn't need to be told by people who assumed that I thought my life was going to carry on as normal after the birth.

Thank Nickle - I've thought about this a lot because much to my surprise I did go through a period of grieving for my old life. I really, really wanted my babies but for a little while it did feel like I'd lost a part of myself. I was so shocked and had no idea I'd feel that way. Certainly I had twins so my experience of the early days is not necessarily typical. I'm not sure if someone had warned me in advance it would have helped but it might not have been quite such a shock.

OTOH having survived the first two years on gritted teeth, chocolate and sheer bloody minded determination I feel like a much better version of myself than I was before my beloved children were born. Mothers are forged in fire and made of steel.

Spatchcock I know what you mean and it is, indeed, annoying! I remember soon after we had our baby we went to a wedding party for friends a week away from their baby;s birth. They later told us we were the only ones who had said "you are in for such fun", rather than the usual "hah, hah you will never sleep again". Sure it is hard, but it is such a joy and such a pleasure. I was more surprised by how much I enjoyed it all rather than how hard it was. Now expecting number 2 and all everyone says is: "oh, you must be disappointed this one is not a boy" (I'm not) and "you think one is hard, wait until you have 2". Great.

To be fair to my friends with young babies - they're more talking about how tiring but great it is. It's the people without children that are the doom and gloom.

In fact, I got so many negative comments at the start and read too much on mumsnet that for a long time I didn't even imagine that I might enjoy some part of the first few months. I just thought it would be one long, hard slog, no sleep, lots of pain (breastfeeding), no time to do anything, crying baby etc. etc.

Until I read a lovely thread about someone who wanted kicking up the arse to put down her 10 week old baby who was asleep on her and everyone said not to as it's so lovely cuddling your baby.

My mum is great - gives practical advice but also told me that when she looked at her DC1 as a baby it was a feeling of pure joy. Not happiness. But joy.