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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Visitors after baby is born

21 replies

jan2011 · 03/06/2011 07:11

hi
i am just wondering if anyone has any plans of how to go about visitors when your baby is born, are u inviting people as soon as they are born at the hosp and then getting some time to yourselves at home, or do you have any boundaries in place to limit people? this is my first baby. i only want my mum there but i understand everyone will have to see the baby both sides of fam even tho ill not like it and be overwhelmed, even just for awhile. im thinking should i get it over and done with at the hosp and then say we need a few days rest at home, (mum can come to help) or would it be better to have everyone come the next day at home and keep the day at the hosp to ourselves. this is a first time so i dont know how ill be feeling and i don't want the baby snatched off me straight away and not get a precious time to bond i also don't want to be learning to bf in front of inlaws. i wish i didn[t have this to worry about! x

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LDNlady · 03/06/2011 07:23

Everyone I've spoken to knows that we don't want any visitors at home for the first week and thankfully they've all been brilliantly understanding. The only person who is coming within the first day or two is my mum. She would have come to the hospital but ours likes to kick you out as soon as poss so she just said she'd wait until we're home. His family aren't close to us so they are just visiting when they can. As for my dad, well he's way up on the NE coast of Scotland and he's hoping to make it down within the first few weeks. As you say, you'll be learning to BF so maybe just say you're happy to see the grandparents within the first couple of days but ask the rest of the friends and family to just give you the chance to get over the birth and homecoming. I made it clear from about four or five months pg that the first week was not going to be full of visitors. May sound harsh but it's was what we wanted.

exoticfruits · 03/06/2011 07:48

I just left it to people-a baby is a joy to be celebrated. Having said that I have reasonable family and friends so we were not innundated-we didn't need to 'police it' and they wouldn't have 'snatched' thebaby.
I wouldn't have had my parents though and not my PIL-it is hardly fair. I started equal and carried on equal-they are equally close to your DC.

Wottywot · 03/06/2011 07:55

We are kind of lucky in thats all our family live quite a long way from us so they would have to travel down to see us.
Last time everybody left it about a week or two before coming down which was very understanding of them I think.
I had had an epistotomy and was still very sore after the birth. You are also really tired and I think it's nice to just be with your own little family at the very beginning.
It's not harsh and everyone should understand - also you don't know how the birth will go. You could possibly have complications (lets hope not) where you need to stay in hospital for longer. My baby had meconium (sp?) in her waters so we had to stay in for 2 days. My sister had an emergency C section and was in for a week. :) You do just need to be firm about what you want.

DuelingFanjo · 03/06/2011 07:56

I think grit your teeth and have close family come over for an hour at home, then ask for time alone. make dp/dh police the one hour visit, make the tea etc.

Wottywot · 03/06/2011 07:57

Sorry there was meconium in 'my waters'!

rooks14 · 03/06/2011 08:00

I can't wait to show him off to my family and friends :D lucky that they have all said they'll give us a couple of days. That can't be said for the in-laws :( if they had they're way they'd be in the delivery room with us!

SlightlyScrambled · 03/06/2011 08:04

I only had visitors after I was home for two weeks. Was glad of it too as I took a while to recover physically and just get my head together.

I'd do it the same way again.

The hospital (I live abroad) wouldn't allow any visitors in rooms other than DPs and DCs. If other people wanted to visit it would have been a meeting in the cafeteria. It meant the ward was quieter which I liked.

Beesok · 03/06/2011 08:08

Our families live abroad so my parents and in-laws have to make travel arrangements in advance and would probably end up staying with us - which, tbh can get a bit crowded, even though I am super close with both sets of grandparents and they are lovely and helpful - so we decided that it's best if they take turn and come a week or two after the baby is born (that way they can buy tickets for a later date and also help when hubby goes back to work after paternity leave).
Re other visitors - I don't mind my close friends popping in in the first week because I am comfortable around them and they can help themselves to tea etc (maybe even pick up some stuff on the way :)
Def. do not want UNANNOUNCED visitors - I find that in poor form anyway :) so everyone else will have to wait until we're settled and comfortable to have guests over and what I want to avoid is big groups coming over at the same time....we're planning on sending an announcement txt/email with something like "we hope to introduce out little one to everyone as soon as she/he has settled in her new home" and just arranging visits accordingly :)

Beesok · 03/06/2011 08:10

sorry for all the typos - have been awake since 2 am!!!

Beesok · 03/06/2011 08:11

oh and I don't think I would want anyone other than DH at the hospital........well, maybe my best friend :)

Meglet · 03/06/2011 08:35

Set boundaries, even if people don't like it.

Better to tell people you don't want visitors until you're ready, even if that is a week or so, than have loads of people invade when you're feeling fragile / shattered / weepy / establishing bf.

I learnt the hard way, too many people after dc1 , hardly anyone at all after dc2 .

Hormoneoverload · 03/06/2011 08:59

We found visitors at hospital much easier-they tended not to stay too long. We really wanted to see people and said yes to all comers but found visits longer than an hour in the first weeks left us exhausted afterwards. Mainly because we perked up and really enjoyed seeing them then "came down" a bit afterwards. And we were rubbish about letting others do stuff-you don't lose the hosting instinct with a baby, just the energy to do it. If people plan visits, even if you have to be creative, make sure they know you have something you have to do about an hour or so after they come. Or just be honest and say visits for an hour or so are welcome and lovely but any more is too much for now. It is one of the joys of having a baby for us, seeing people but it does need managing. People who cone with food should be noted and invited back!! We didn't get many of those!

Hormoneoverload · 03/06/2011 09:02

Oh and we definitely decided no overnight guests. And don't assume people will be helpful. Thought my dsis would be but didn't understand how fragile new mums are and how they can't move at normal speed.

rachyaimeelou · 03/06/2011 09:04

iv basically said, NO visitors at the hospital except for dp and dd and then to give me time to my self, dp will take lo and dd round to relatives instead of them coming to us, that way i wont have a house full and relatives wont be turning up unexpectedly.

i had all that with dd and found it very overwhelming, especially at the hospital, your only allowed 3 people to a bed, which doesnt help when ur mum, brother and grandparents all turn up at the same time and start arguing with the midwives about the 3 to a bed policy.

i understand its a very exciting time wen a new baby comes but us mums dont need that stress, especially wen my mum and dps mum doesnt get on.

when i suggested my idea to my dp his mum thot i was being funny and thot it was strange that i didnt want any visitors at home, but after dd i thot id better lay down the law xx

Original poster

jan2011 · 03/06/2011 09:15

i must say when i was younger my sis in law had a baby and i didn't really understand, i wasn't much help at all! i just sat around cooing over the baby. but i didn't over cross boundaries. if someone i knew was having a baby now i would know this time just to call first, pop in stay for 20 mins or so, make them tea or whatever they need.

it is a tough one cos i know ill be so tired, and i cannot deal with my in laws visiting as it is never mind with a newborn... i pretty much go into panic mode when they come and they just don't leave and are so crazy at times. i also get chucked out of the hosp pretty early. i want mum there as she is a major support to me. i think i will just tell everyone else they can come round for an hour the next day at different times or something, manage to get through it and then say in a week or so when we are ready we will love to spend time with them and the baby. and in the mean time i will have my mum over a few times to support met - although my dad might take offence at this, and also my MIL. but i just want this time for us, and i can make it clear to them they can all be involved and help out after the initial stages, we just need a little bit of adjustment first. does this sound reasonable? i am so worried about it all, i know what they are like, and i know how my husband wants to please everyone and he will probably put pressure on me if his family want to come round. i really hope it doesn't turn into a nightmare. i cannot cope at all with no sleep and want it to be as joyful a time as possible xx

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msbuggywinkle · 03/06/2011 09:24

I didn't police visits with DD1 and regretted it. My Aunty was round constantly expecting me to entertain her three children and she drove me crazy.

With DD2 I allowed my parents, my sister, DP's parents and sister round as much as they fancied (I can trust them to be helpful!) but no one else for the first two weeks. I also stayed in bed for ten days, popping out for showers and food!

This time I intend to repeat what I did with DD2, it was brilliant. I would only allow visitors in the first fortnight that you can trust to be helpful and not to stress you out!

Romilly70 · 03/06/2011 09:27

With DS I had a planned C-section, and had a few visits arranged at the hospital. Also DP stayed with me in the room - we are in France, so plenty of spacein our hospital. We were both so shattered - DP was awake for 3 straight days looking after DS as i had complications, that we cancelled all visits. When we go home, apart from my parents coming to stay for a few days, i had no visitors for 3 weeks as i needed to recover. Even then visits were all planned and usually in the afternoon so i had time to get dressed and prepare myself.
People (understandably) seem to go a bit nuts over a new baby and most seem to forget how exhasuting it is to be a new mum. you have to be very boundaried about visitors; it is easier to relax them later.
You may be scared about offending people, but to be honest, they are so thrilled to see the baby they won't mind.
also, if you you need to get rid of people, don't forget the "i've got to go upstairs and feed the baby, thank you so much for coming" card!!

sleepybump · 03/06/2011 10:25

Hey, I just dropped it in to conversation a couple of days ago on a rare occasion when both my mother and MIL where around that we had decided we wanted to spend the first week bonding with the baby and not worrying about anything else, so we wouldn't be wanting visitors until after then (my parents would have to stay as they live miles away, MIL could visit as she's only 1.5hrs away, and I think had assumed she'd be waiting at the hospital for delivery! but that would really upset my mum). They took it quietly, but feedback later was good from MIL who agreed it was a good idea. My mum however is still looking for a caravan park or something to stay in so they (and my brother) wont be in our hair all the time so she can just pop in and out whenever...

But the message has at least gone across and I'm sure she'll be fine in the end (my father thinks it's a good idea)...afterall, she has had her own babies to do all this with, so she's not going to be missing out on anything :)
I guess once you know what you and DP want to do you just need to make it clear to everyone. And fwiw I think it's fine you wanting to have your mum with you (that's quite natural), I just wouldn't make too much of a noise about it to the PILs etc. though I am sure they should understand, because that's not about the baby as such, it's about you needing the support.
x

sleepybump · 03/06/2011 10:28

my neighbour just told me her baby was on hourly feeds for the first few days... I could not for the life of me imagine having guests (no matter how close they are) if that was the case!!

Beesok · 03/06/2011 11:30

That's why I am glad in a way that our families leave abroad (no unplanned visits) and I have so far no close friends with children over 6 months old :)

I cannot imagine a situation where as someone posted above an aunt came with three kids and just expected to be entertained ....sorry, no offence, but those types of guests I would ask DH to "screen" and keep away ;)

Original poster

jan2011 · 03/06/2011 13:21

thanks this is good advice i will talk to dh at a very good time and try to explain to him how tired i will be and how important it is to bond with the baby and feel comfortable bf etc and recover. ill talk to him about setting boundaries and see how it goes,...and then when all else fails lol i will do the whole thank you for coming i must go and feed the LO now. i just hope they take the cue to leave then!

i also cannot imagine people bringing their kids round, that is the last thing u need at this time a house full of kids... mil looks after some teens and i do not want them round even though they are very excited about the baby, they will have to wait til im ready. i think u are all very brave some of u to have set the boundaries the way you did. i find it so hard to stick up for myself! and people know this and they walk all over me. i just hope i have the guts to stand up for what i want and need, even if dh doesn't. good luck everyone xx

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