How will i manage with a second baby

[callmemummy]

My DS is 18 months old and Im 12 weeks pregnant with our second child. Im over the moon (obviously), but cant help but be a little worried about how i will manage with a second baby. My DS takes up so much time and Im constantly busy as it is so I just worry how on earth I will cope with another.
Do any other mums of two (or more) have any pearls of wisdom they're happy to share?

Hi,
I posted a very similar post a few months back as am currently expecting my second and the age gap is going to be very much the same. I've had nothing but positive responses and all of my friends in similar situation are happy with their similar age gaps. I've since posting had time to get used to the idea and am really looking forward to meeting my second. I found once I started to feel the baby move it's kind of been two of them since. Obviously I haven't had to look after the baby as well as my toddler but people go through far harder parenting issues than this. And couples that long for a child but are struggling to concieve would love to have our dilemma. I'm planning on taking every day as it comes, take all of the tips given to be into account and enjoying the kids while they are young as much as possible. I'm sure you will do the same, good luck.

There's 15 months between mine. They are now 10 & 11 years old (eldest will be 12 in a couple of weeks actually)

It's not hard. one baby, two babies. It's all the same. Going from no babies to one baby was a lot harder!

My advice would be to relax. Take care of the practical stuff - feeds, nappies etc and don't worry about it. Do what you can do, bugger what you can't.

And just enjoy them.

Because you are going to turn round one day and you'll be looking at a couple of nearly teens that are as tall as you and you will go - bloody hell, how did THAT happen

CallmeMummy - as everyone on here says, things will fall into place! Just get as much help as you can in the early days with the boring things like cooking and cleaning so you can enjoy your two babies. I had three under four at one point - and loved it all!
MrsMichic - the one key thing that's important is to make sure you are NOT holding the newborn when your eldest first sees you. Your arms need to be for him at that point, so keep the baby away in the cot and introduce him gradually to his new sibling.
Good luck to you both - and enjoy!

Like niminypiminy says, I have a 2.5yr old and a 8.5month old, so a 21 month age gap, and I am finding it a complete nightmare.

DD who is 8.5 months old, is very clingy and I spend the first 6 months of her life slinging her. Even now she doesn't like being put down for long. But apart from that she is a happy baby and content.

DS is constantly trying to hit her and push her. I can't put DD down even for a moment in the same room as DS, which makes getting anything done absolutely impossible.

I hate not being able to give DS the attention that he needs. he is a bit more mature now, but at around 2yrs old he was still very much a baby himself and needed my attention much more than I could give him with another baby to look after. I feel sad that I am not having much quality time with him or DD. I enjoy being with either one of them, but both together, I truely dread it. it is mostly hard work with a bit of enjoyment thrown in when they interact with each other.

I have a friend who's got 2 boys ages 2 and 4. She says that even now the two boys don't play together and the older one despises the younger one. She says that when the younger DS was born her elder DS's personality completely changed. Went from being a happy, extroverted child to a quiet, whingy child.

I remember reading in the Politics of breastfeeding book, that nature never intended for humans to have such small age gaps. mothers where meant to breastfeed exclusively for much longer and not night weaned till much later, and their fertility won't return untill the baby self weans till about 3/4 and that is the age that a child is ready to share his mother with another sibling.
This made complete sense to me.

A trampoline
A playpen (to put the baby in, safe from toddler)
Lots of toddler's favourite snacks
A trampoline
CBeebies (so flame me, I don't care )
A trampoline

Did I say a trampoline? One of the children's ones with the big handlebar thing? I bffed, DS1 bounced and bounced...

Mine are 17 months apart, it's hard but for much a shorter time than with a bigger gap.

If I had my baby making days over again I wouldn't change anything, large gaps seem much harder to me.

My friend held me a 'dinner or diapers' party. I got to see all my friends before giving birth. They brought a dinner for me, DH and DS for the freezer or a packet of newborn nappies. I did it for her the next year. Ace.

That's a lovely idea Betsey! I wish I'd thought of that. :)

In addition to MissBetsyTrotwood's list, I would say:

Tell your older child you love them about a million times a day
Praise everything they do that is good
Ignore everything they do that is bad (if violence then time out is a stronger form of ignoring)

Accept that the older child may well hate the younger. Why should they automatically love their rival for your love and attention? If you can help them through this very difficult phase of their life they will, eventually, learn to love and even like their sibling.

While there is a lot of practical juggling to get the hang of (do not believe anyone who says two is not much more work than one they are lying) it is the emotional stuff that is really hard. Be prepared to 'go off' your older child even perhaps to dislike them temporarily as you are in love with the baby. Be kind to yourself during the emotional rollercoaster that is life with a jealous toddler. Don't be hard on yourself when your high ideals about parenting don't seem sustainable any more.

With luck, patience, the support of family and friends and time you can look back on the newborn/toddler period as a good one. But even if you are the most patient, loving mother in the world it can still go pear shaped. Just don't blame yourself for that.

Yes, wrap sling and Cbeebies! And train your DS to fetch the phone/TV remote/muslin square for you when you've sat down to feed the baby and realised you've left it at the other side of the room. My DD1 is very keen to help by bringing me things .

Remember that the new baby will not need much other than food, warmth and a clean nappy for the first few weeks so will be content in the sling while you get on with something fun with your DS.

Hecate is right, going from no baby to one baby is much, much harder than going from one to two. It'll all come flooding back but it'll be easier because you've already done it.

My DD1 is 2.7 yo and DD2 is 9 wo and it's loads of fun, DD1 is crazy about her little sister and it's so cute to see them grinning and giggling at each other. Hard work, but so worth it.

I've got DS who is 2 and DD who is 4 weeks old :-) and I seem to be surviving... the top tip I got which has really helped is to continue having DS going to his childminder for 2 days a week. It gives him continuity (I was working full time, and the childminder's was his second home and he loves it) and some space of his own that hasn't changed, and it gives him some excitement/play with his little friends that I can't give him so much when I'm at home with DD.
I'd also agree with others that a sling is helpful.
Good luck!

This is definitely going to be my last post on this topic. Anecdotally I think that boys often take the arrival of a sibling harder than girls, who can more often be corralled into looking after baby (without taking the opportunity to hurt him or her).

I think my friend summed it up pretty well and it actually makes sense. She has two with a 2.4 age gap. We have a 2.3 year old DS and I am 21 weeks pg with number 2. I asked her how she coped as I had a mad moment of panic and said that yes on some level it's more tiring purely because you have two children wanting all of your attention. But she also said that in terms of the "shock factor", it is much more minimal with DC2. She said that she found it harder the first time around because they had gone from being a childless couple who did what they wanted, ate/slept/went out etc when they wanted and all of a sudden a baby needed a routine and they had to find that........ however, she said with number 2, that routine is already in place. She also said that apart from the first few days when it was adjustment time at home, there wasn't much of the "in pyjamas until 3pm and not eating" because her DC1 obviously had to eat meals/have activities etc. and the baby "came with". It obviously doesn't work that way for everyone, but it made me feel a bit better.

glad this was a talk of the day as I'm contemplating number two. DD is 21mo and will be nearly 3 by the time my imaginary DC2 comes along. I wouldn't even be thinking about it if DD weren't so good. Every night no matter what is happening 6.30 is bed time and never wakes up until at least 7.30 except for the odd drink of water. I bought her a doll yesterday and she was giving it its bottle putting it in the pram giving it kisses and cuddles.

introducing the baby in the right way is important.

Some people 'give' the baby to the older child (older baby really when you're counting the older one in months too!).

I presented the baby to my then 15 month old. who gave a big, beaming, delighted smile and promptly poked the baby right in the eye

We didn't tell him off or anything.

We had no problems really with jealousy. Main problem we had was older one hated noise of younger one crying. would start him off

Stereo.

dolby surround sound actually

I have to say I find this quite amusing, of course you will cope like millions before you!

My DDs are 11.5 months apart and their father walked out just before they turned 1 and 2, I coped, obviously he didn't though!

Not sure if you need any more support - but I had this mantra that has grown and grown....
When I was building my career, I thought "No one could be busier than me!".
When I had one child, and PND, I thought "How did I think I was busy before?"
When I had my second child, and PND I thought "How did I think I was busy before?"
When I had two children one starting school, one chronically ill, and a DH that works o/seas and/or 60-70 hrs/wk, and I went back to work 20hrs/wk, kept up with voluntary work, moving house, being o/seas, I thought "How did I think I was busy before?".

but it was all OK. Everything is a phase. And now I've handed my notice in because in this phase, that is what I have to do. But I consider myself a wimp, and am really bothered by my sons needing more of me at the moment (not least for all the bloody appt.s). If you get to the point where you feel it's all too much, sit down (yes, you will have time), talk to someone (I'm hoping a helpful DH, if not, sane friend, gp, nice looking woman walking past your door, on MN), and work out what can be changed/jettisoned/added, to get through the next bit.

What you get, in the end, when the youngest starts going to nursery/preschool/school, is a whole 3/4/5 hours where you can think - what the hell am I going to do with my time???? :-)

You will have got so good at multitasking you'll have set yourself up to really enjoy their older years.

Going from no babies to one baby was much much easier for me than goign from 1 to 2 babies.DS was an easy baby and then DD turned up who is a high maintainance baby and then now DS is a demanding toddler. I don't understand how anybody could say going from 0-1 is easier than 1-2.

choceyes, I did it the other way around DD1 is very well behaved but energetic and does not sleep through the night. DD2 is so chilled out, is happy to sit in her bouncy chair and watch the world go by and at 9 wo is pretty close to sleeping through. She stays where she's put, she doesn't poke the cat in the eye or climb on the furniture... She's just slotted right in and it seems like she's always been here.

Jackaroo I'm already thinking (with a 22 month old and 1 month old) what on earth will I do with a whole morning to myself when they are at school?! I will have the cleanest house on earth!

Another vote for the Rebecca Abrams book. I only read it 3 or 4 months after DS2 was born, and wish I'd found it earlier. Two is definitely harder in some ways, but easier in others. When DS2 came along, I found that looking after him was a piece of piss - I found myself thinking, 'How on earth did I ever find this baby lark difficult the first time round?'. However, the difficult bit second time round (IME) is looking after the toddler (DS1 was 2.11 when DS2 was born). Even though I had sworn that I would cut him a lot of slack, I was totally unprepared for how I fell out of love with him (having been totally besotted until the baby was born), and it horrified me. Reading the Abrams book was a godsend, because it made me understand my own feelings and learn to deal with them. Before the birth, I'd been worried that I wouldn't love the baby as much as DS1, but it was almost the opposite experience - next to the baby, DS1 suddenly seemed huge, and awkward, and whingy, and difficult, and, most of all, deliberately naughty and challenging - in a way that a newborn can never be. And SO old - he seemed to age years in the couple of days I was in hospital. Before the birth I did pretty much everything for DS1, yet when I came home with the baby I suddenly found myself thinking, 'For god's sake, why can't you put your shoes on/brush your teeth/get dressed etc by yourself, you're nearly three?'. Poor thing didn't know what was going on. And these feelings happened even though DS1 was relatively angelic, and was never anything other than adoring towards his little brother.

So yes, it is tough. But the first time you hear your baby giggling at your toddler (mine's now 8 months, and does an awful lot of giggling), it's all worthwhile.

And there are other good things, too. I was far too obsessive and anal about DS1, constantly trying to control every aspect of his life. Now that the baby's here I can't do that any more because I don't have the time, and it's made a huge difference to him - he's really grown up and become more confident and less clingy.

In terms of actual advice - I would say, don't worry about the logistical, practical stuff, because it will fall into place (and in any case, it's pretty difficult to prepare for anyway). Focus on working at the relationship stuff. Prepare your DS for the baby as much as you can by reading books etc (Shirley Hughes is wonderful). Read the Abrams book, and then read it again after the baby's born. Is your DS in nursery at all? If he is, it's probably a good idea to keep him in for at least a couple of sessions a week once the baby arrives. And if you're planning to start him for the first time, make sure you leave LOTS of settling in time before the baby's born (I left about 10 weeks, and it wasn't really enough).

Above all, enjoy. It's hard, but you'll love it.

big kudos to niminy for being so honest, i enjoyed reading your posts as it rings a lot of bells. my boys are 2.6yr and 10months so pretty small age gap and just this morning ds1 tried to murder ds2 then slapped me in the face, simply for changing ds2's nappy. the naughty step is well used here, as is taking away favourite toys, ignoring him, explaining that mummy is cross and sad etc. niminy put it so well by saying that you feel like you hate dc1 when he acts violent to dc2, and it takes all your willpower to stay your hand from smacking him.
BUT the smooth does come with the rough, and for every act of jealousy ds1 displays, he also plays really well with the poor bemused baby - who by the way absolutely adores his big brother no matter what. now that ds2 is crawling/standing/laughing/waving, ds1 likes to interact with him, and you can almost picture them a couple of years down the line being thick as thieves.
it is hard work - the hardest ive ever worked in my life - but women have deep DEEP reserves of strength and energy that we draw on daily. you will have to write off some days, but its all part and parcel of the experience. the best advice i can give you is to keep a few steps ahead of them, prepare well, be organised, otherwise you'll go mad.
good luck, you'll be fine.

niminy, I do everything suggested with my 2 (17 month age gap and eldest is 20 months) and still he tries to kill his brother. Most of the time he does it because of over-excitement and it is so hard to discipline him for this reason. If I was to use the naughty step he would never leave. Eldest is told that he is loved 1000 times a day - including after he has been naughty and had his time out. Having 2 close together is lovely but it is bloody hard work at times.

wrap sling wrap sling wrap sling wrap sling...
Why?
Because it's comfy
because you'll get two hands back
because you'll get to cuddle and bond with your LO without losing sight of the older one
because your LO will grow up so so so SO much quicker than your first one and you'll wonder where your cuddling went to

it is SO much fun - hard work too, but it's fine.
Love the anecdotes on here, brilliant. I too have stopped screaming into a pillow and they play pretty nicely together too now. Our favourite game is called Pile On - where Mummy lies on the floor and both girls basically, er, pile on, roll about and generally beat me up.... Amazing how robust DD2 is at 14 months, she is thoroughly enjoying giving her big sister a kicking after months of, er, being hauled about!!
It is all good. Am excited for you. Geniunely

You'll be absolutely fine and you'll be so much more relaxed second time around. Think of all that time and energy you'll be saving not worrying!! No it will be fine and before you know it DC1 will be off to nursery a couple of mornings a week and you won't know yourself.