How will i manage with a second baby

[callmemummy]

My DS is 18 months old and Im 12 weeks pregnant with our second child. Im over the moon (obviously), but cant help but be a little worried about how i will manage with a second baby. My DS takes up so much time and Im constantly busy as it is so I just worry how on earth I will cope with another.
Do any other mums of two (or more) have any pearls of wisdom they're happy to share?

Am sitting here reading this thread with DD1 (4 weeks old) asleep in the sling on me and DS1 (22 months old) asleep upstairs in his cot.

I spent most of my pregnancy worrying about how I'd cope (when I wasn't throwing up!) and now I can't believe we're a month in already - lots of help in first few weeks meant I could recover physically from the birth and now we're just getting on with it! It's NOTHING LIKE as bad as I thought it would be and certainly better than being heavily pregnant with a toddler in my opinion!

I really agree with the comment about remembering your older one is still pretty much a baby - I think my expectations of him have suddenly heightened unfairly.

I am the most pessimistic person ever and if I feel like I can deal with it then any one can!! Enjoy it :-)

as everyone else has said you will be fine.

my most important piece of advice is don't push your first born to grow up and become the 'big boy' too soon.

ime i found the pg harder than the reality of two under two.

you have to be organised, you have to learn whats worth stressing with and whats not, but apart from that it was much much easier than i expected. I slotted my two littlest into same eating, sleeping routine quite quickly so got a break each afternoon when they slept after lunch.

I have experience of large gaps and small and they both have their pro's and cons, you will love seeing the sibling relationship, although not all the time, they will be little playmates for life!

I have DS1 who's 12, ds2 who's 5 and ds3 who's 3.5yr, and now expecting first dd in two months time.

Oh it's great.
Until the younger one starts moving and destroys every game the older one is playing with.
Dd1 used to love jigsaws. Until dd2 started crawling...
Anyway they are 5 and 3 now and play together so nicely, it's lovely to see them together. Until they start fighting (sigh).
You'll be fine. Buy lots of stickers. Don't try and potty train just before dc2 arrives.

I have two about the same gap as yours will be OP. Youngest is now coming up to 18 months, eldest nearly 4.

It is OK really it is, I wasn't a fan of last year at all bit of a daze, but watching them playing together now is a joy - an utter joy, yes there are squabbles but it is worth it!

I'd thought about having a third recently which tells you it can't be all that bad.

I was always amazed at how easy babies were compared to toddlers. My kids were exactly 2 years apart and my youngest was so easy because all he did was eat, sleep and poo. He didnt run around the house, he didnt paint the walls, no having to constantly take him to the potty etc I never had to tell him off!!! ;-) Well until he started to move at around 9 months and suddenly it was the other way around!
Looking after one seems such a huge deal in the first few weeks with No1 and you feel terribly inexperienced etc at it. However with No 2 you are already an expert. You know how to change nappies, what each cry means, & how to get that blasted baby cardigan on. You already know what works for your family and what kind of mum you are. baby no2 will fit right in to that. Personally I found having a good routine in place for DD made sorting out DS's routine much easier.
Another good tip is in the first few weeks, try and see if you can get someone, mum, aunty etc to help at bathtime as this is when it does tend to get rather hectic esp when No2 is cluster feeding and No1 is running hyperactive!

i've slipped into the habit of calling ds1 a "big boy" too often and one day he was particularly emotional and tired and said "i don't want to be a big boy, i want to be a baby!" He loves his little brothers so much and they are really close but because i have such small age gaps they want to do the same thing as each other all the time so don't expect too much of your dc1's.
i spent a lot of time during pregnancy imagining i had 2 so every time i did something with ds1 i pretended i had another baby to sort out at the same time. that really helped me get my head round the practical issues.

i also made sure i spoke to and held as many tiny babies as i could and got ds1 involved in playing with and looking after baby dolls in toddler group so he has been really good with his baby brother. i also got him used to spending more time playing on his own while i pottered about doing jobs - so i was there with him, in and out the room talking to him but kind of busy so he didn't expect to have my full attention all the time.

Retain your sense of humour. If one of them is screaming because it's puked on itself and the other one has tripped up and smacked his head and your sausages for tea are burning, just think what a funny story this will make later. Getting stressed will not make it go away, so laugh at yourself instead.

I remember the first day that I was on my own with DD1 and DD2 - DH had just gone back to work.

It was just about 9am and I'd just fed DD2 and she had promptly puked down my cleavage and down my back and I'd stripped off and was standing there in sicky underwear as the phone rang. It was my MIL ringing to see how I was getting on!!

I often used to think about it and it still makes me laugh.

This is all very encouraging :-) my DS1 will be 25 months when DD1 arrives. I am worried that DS1 won't like the baby though and will be jealous - did anyone else have this problem?

I love you all for the positive things you have said. I am expecting number 2 in the next few weeks and am now approaching it with optimism instead of dread. Thank you!

Callmemummy you will do it, even if its just because you have to.
I actually found it easier with more because you seem to automatically become more organised .
I had three babies betwee March 74 and May 77 (and no , not twins either) and I was still under 22 yrs.
It really is not as difficult as our imagination makes it.
I truly wish you well and hope you learn to enjoy every moment of your babies .

One bit of advise....... lots of baby wipes and baby grows ..

Good luck , you will be absolutely fine

Watching with interest as we are now trying for DC2 - DS is 10 months this week, so could be as little as 19mo between them, given previous fertility form - though I know this isn't always the case and it could take aaages for us to conceive 2nd time around.

DS is a rubbish napper, so he's a real handful during the day - I take comfort from the fact that there is a world of difference between him and my friend's 19mo DD in terms of development, so I am hopeful that I will manage as he's already walking and should be a lot more independent than he is by the time DC2 arrives.

Most of my friends have had their 2nd DC either this year or last, so it's been good to ask them how they manage it - some have almost 3 year gaps between, some have about 18 months - all of them cope with their various domestic set ups which range from live-in nanny to no family/friends local.

Good luck and congratulations!

DS1 was born Nov 06 & DS2 Dec 08. DS1 didn't walk until 18 months & still seemed like a baby to me, I can remember one day saying to him "come up here on my knee & we'll have a cuddle & watch Balamory" and then I felt really sad thinking that I wouldn't be able to do that anymore once the second one came along and took up all my attention. But I can only echo the things other people have said and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

Thing I found the most was how much more relaxed I was about DS2, with DS1 I was always anxious, always worried I wasn't doing things right, how much he ate, how much he slept, that he wasn't walking, that he couldn't talk as well as other children his age - I mean absolutely everything. DS2 didn't take up that much of attention & DS1 still got lots of time with me.

But also really agree with strandednomore that it was harder once DS2 started getting about more & pinching his brothers toys. They are 4 & 2 now and I do find it hard to give either of them any one to one time but we do go to lots of playgroups, softplay sessions etc. They do fight a lot but also love each other & play together a lot too (sometimes a bit too rough!) There is 18 months between me & my sister and we couldn't be in the same room together for more than 10 mins & we would be fighting, must have driven my mother mad - knows how she feels now! But we were also incredibly close & still are.

I would also agree to leave the potty training until DC2 has come along.

MrsMichic 25months between my two & I can honestly say we had no problem with jealousy but I think this is down to DS1's personality & also the fact that he wasn't that interested in his little brother, again wasn't until he was getting about more that he became more of a pain in the arse interesting to him & a bit harder to ignore!

For me, going from 1 to 2 was harder than 0 to 1, but as others have said you'll cope! DS2 spent a lot more time out and about than DS1 and has been fed in much more interesting places!

The hardest thing for me was that I sometimes just had to let DS2 cry for a minute as I was busy with DS1 (toilet training etc). It was something I didn't have to do with DS1 and I must admit I found that difficult. Other than that, I found a stretchy sling invaluable. I could just pop DS2 in and out as and when I needed to and could feed him in it too.

Good luck. You'll be absolutely fine!

Thanks Kitty 0608 I am hoping it will be ok - DS1 is the only grandchild on both sides and really used to being the focus of all the attention. I guess as long as everyone still makes a big fuss of him he'll be ok. I was thinking of getting a little treat box so whenever anyone visits the new baby and brings a gift, they can offer DS1 a treat too so he doesn't feel left out. Good luck to all!! :)

I found Rebecca Abrams book on this v helpful - I think it's called Three Socks, One Shoe and No Hairbrush. I found going from 1 to 2 quite tough going as ds was an easy baby and dd definitely was not - all a bit of a shock!

Just thought I'd share the words of wisdom told to me when we announced baby number 2 was on the way to friends - I was told that having one child was like having a pet but having two was like running a zoo!

I can now see there are parallels but its not that bad, honest. I'd say number 2 is easier in a way because you already know how to be a mum its just a bit more intense at times trying to fit everything in, but worth it

it is really, really, really fun, having two kids. the first few months, the baby is easily portable and doesn't run around which helps. :). Also you don;t have the shock to the system that you get the first time round when you suddenly get sleepless nights, can't go out any more, etc. you are used to it all!! and as a result, it is much more than twice the work. you expect it. And as lots of PPs said, your baby is constantly amused by watching DC1, coming along with him or her to various activities/nursery, etc., and DC1, really once they are close to 3, start being propery helpful.
mine were about further apart - 2yrs 8 months - but DD1 was a terrible sleeper and the worst thing was when they both woke and screamed for me in the night -DH had to properly chip in at that point! (so i think he got PND at some point! :)). DD2 developed a lot quicker watching DD1, she got into "proper" family food a lot earlier as she always wanted to eat the same as DD1 (so none of that blended/mushed stuff for her before long), and generally, their routines converged quite quickly. Now, at 4 and 18 months, they keep each other amused for ours. There is nothing as rewarding as seeing them affectionate with each other - my 18 month old ALWAYS comes and cuddles DD1 when she is upset and it is adorable.
my tip - it may have been said here before - is to make DS1 excited about the baby's arrival, may be get him some gifts from him when DC1 is born and make sure he gets the attention/treats too, along with the new baby. tell him how much the baby loves him and how the baby is a brother or sister FOR HIM. it has worked so well with my DDs, teaching them to love each other, that now they derive such joy from each other it's wonderful (I HOPE it lasts!!).
oh, and a double buggy and sling were life savers. my DD2 was in the sling well past 12 months - everyone laughed at me but what the heck, helped me survive. best of luck. :)

sorry, i meant much less than twice the work, not more!!!! :)

I found having two miles easier than having one. As in life, I am better when I don't have time to fill, when I'm up against it. I had my second when DS was 2.9, just in time for him. He was getting too spoiled for my liking!

I had 3 DC in 3 years! My DH was always away, HM Forces, family was 100s of miles away but we got through it, yes it was tough and my life revolved around feeding, bathing and keeping sane!

Now I can look back and laugh at the chaotic life we led!

I really love this thread. DH and I are TTC DC2 (DS 15 months) and I was so worried about how I would cope.

Reading the replies has made me feel a lot more calmer and positive.

Gosh, everyone else sounds like they coped fine.

I definitely struggled a bit when #2 arrived, but we were miles from home (expats in Alaska at the time) with no grandparents or other family near at hand. And in Alaska, you can't do online shopping for groceries, which is what I would definitely have done back home in the UK, or elsewhere in the USA. We ended up using a part-time nursery place for my eldest 2 days a week, and were lucky we had the financial ability to do this. (Day care was definitely cheaper there than it is in the UK.) I made sure I got all the 'difficult' chores done (like the dreaded shopping trips) on one of those days, and I could also nap when the baby napped. And then on the other 3 days a week I could make a much better effort at keeping two kids occupied - going on a definite outing or playdate each day for the older one, while not disrupting the younger one's sleep too much.

Oh, and other thing I meant to say was about weaning. The few months (from about 5/6 months to about 9 months) when you are preparing completely different food each meal time for each child, were harder than I expected ... but that only lasted a few months. Once they could eat pretty similar things (even if you had to "whizz" the pasta in the blender for the younger one, it was at least the same pasta) it got a lot easier.

Well, sorry to spoil the party but I found it complete hell. I thought I'd prepared DS1 well for the arrival of DS2 but I was wrong. DS2 still bears the scars (literally) of DS1's violence towards him. I absolutely could not leave them alone for one single minute for the first eight months. We had all kinds of awful attention seeking behaviour poo smearing, for example even though I did my best to give DS1 as much good attention as I could. In fact, I can barely remember what DS2 was like as a baby since I spent most of the time ignoring him so I could get to grips with DS1.

I found Rebecca Abrams book an absolute godsend because it was the only thing I came across that made me feel that the horror I was going through was normal. When people say 'I loved having a toddler and a newborn' I always feel that they are inhabiting some kind of parallel universe. And I feel it is taboo to say that you have had very unhappy experiences in this situation as there is a conspiracy of silence about how difficult it can be.

When your beloved firstborn deliberately hurts your new baby, believe me, you can't believe before it happens that you will hate your firstborn, but you can.