Anyone have a bump 'frenemy'?

[hilltop666]

So my SIL and I are both pregnant shes due about 10 days before me, and im getting really pissed off with the constant comparing of bumps.

The weird thing is im alot smaller but she keeps trying to make me feel like im bigger than i actualy am saying "oh your massive now" - most people comment on how neat I am for 30 wks, I def have a bump and have put weight on my ass and thighs but no one else seems to notice and everyone else says im all bump, am still fittting in most of my size 10 stuff and am really embracing the bump and loving looking pregnant.

She def has ishooes as this is and IVF baby after 2nd attempt and trying for about 10ysr, so I feel she shouldn't really give a shit that her bump is bigger than mine and always tryng to hide it (wearing massive jumpers) and just enjoy the fact that she is preganant and is going to have a gorgeous baby at the end of it. I just want to shake her and say who cares what size u are the baby is the most important thing!! [bunconfused]

Anyone else have a pregnant frind or family member who does this??

Myself and another teacher at school are both 18 weeks and all the other staff keep comparing us and symptons etc it gets a bit much as they ask us to stand next to each other bellies out!, when we go back after hols letter will be given to parents about us having maternity leave (no parents know about us yet) and reckon the comparing will just get worse, on the other hand she has been trying for 5 years so am delighted she is pregnant or mine would have been really hard for her to deal with.

There are 4 of us pg at work and everyone is keen to compare. It's really unfair as one is due in July, the other 2 in August and me in Sept, but I'm having twins so everyone is keen to comment how big me bump is. I am bigger than my boss (who's due in Aug) but I have 2 babies and it's my second pg!

I am glad that I'll be on Summer holidays from 31 weeks (I work in a secondary school) so the comparisons will stop.

My boss also only seems to want to talk pgs when she wants to and goes odd about it all.

When I was pregnant with DS, my ex (ie not my DP at the time) 's girlfriend was also pregnant. I found this out through a friend of then-DP, and then every time we saw her she'd be like "Oh S had morning sickness too!!" or "Oh soon you'll be able to feel the baby move, S can!"

It was really, really offputting and also weird - I don't think I was quite over the ex at the time, TBH. Luckily I never had to meet her in person, although someone keeps being suggested to me as a friend on facebook with her first name and ex's surname and it makes me jumpy every time - completely different person though.

Yeah my SIL doesn't want to talk about it much other than to complain that she can't wait to its all over so she can get into her old clothes, it all leaves me very [buconfused]

It pisses me off when people compare bumps - everyone's different sizes and shapes as are the babies inside us!!

she prob feels a bit threatened as you did it naturally?
cant you try and bond a bit more, dont be peed off she's prob just looking for a way to talk to you/ make better friends?

Maybe she feels self conscious about her big bump? I was really embarrassed by mine, felt like it was somehow my 'fault' it was so big (everyone commented!).... Then ds came out a huge long baby (98th centile) and I am only 5"3 (most of which is my legs)! And yes like your sil it had taken ages to conceive so I also felt ashamed for minding that I had a big bump. Its just not that simple. I started to avoid my friend who was always boasting about her tiny bump, and making me feel like an elephant with her little comments. She is tall with v long torso and had a v average sized baby, so no surprise our bumps were different sizes. We are close again now but at the time her comments really bugged me.

Understand where your coming from whipme but she really doesn't want to be friends and actually tries really hard to distance herself from me (and the rest of her sil's) - DH thinks shes a bit mental too (its his sis) and tells me just to keep out of her way! easier said than done!

I am a week behind someone else at work and the size comparisons weren't too bad. However she had really bad morning sickness so i was constantly getting told I had "got away with it lightly" and while i'd be the first to admit I was not as bad as her I did have nausea for several months, no appetite and was exhausted. A lot of this I hid at work hence the your've had a really good pregnancy comparisons.

Maybe she feels inferior to you. I'd just ignore it and if she makes a comment just say "Yes, I love having a big bump and knowing my baby's in there!"

Please don't worry about this! Bump size often doesn't relate at all to baby size. Two friends of mine at work were pg at the same time. A is very slim and B more curvey. A had a very neat bump while B was huge. Cue LOTS if bitchiness in the ladies that A must be starving herself to stay slim and would damage the baby. I was later extremely smug in telling the prime offenders that A's baby weighed over 10lbs!

B's baby? 8lbs 2!!!

Bump size isn't everything! I hope both you and your SIL enjoy your pregnancies and wish you luck with your little bundles whatever size they turn out to be.

tiredfeet the funny thing is she realy doesn't have that big a bump its just mine is smaller- im sure most people would be happy to have her size of bump at 32wks!

babynamedstanley im not worrying about size of baby at all and I don't think she is either she just seem obsessed about comparing our size and i've been told by other people that she has commented on my weight/bump size alot behind my back, MIL also said that my new haircut made my face look fat in front of a pile of people at a party to which most people laughed at because I have a v thin pointy shaped face, so they are obviously in cahoots with the whole 'make hilltop feel she's fat' thing!

Ohhh not nice at all if mil is joining in too! I could understand if it was about her insecurities but its mean if mil is getting involved.

Hilltop, my SIL and MIL were the same when I was pregnant with DS and SIL was pregnant with her DS. It was endless. We found out the sex, they didn't - we were bring "unnatural" and spoilling our surprise. We said what name we had chosen (knowing the sex helped us decide) - that was "their" name because they thought of it first, but didn't actually tell anyone. I was "massive" and she was "barely showing" which was bull because she was actually bigger and eight weeks ahead of me. I had some problems and socir said they were inducing at no later than 40 weeks, I was "blatantly lying - no one gets induced for that" and warned not to have my baby before SIL because that would be "unfair".

When SIL had her baby she had an epidural. A big to-do was made about the excrutiating pain of labour and that I was delusional thinking I could do it with only gas and air. She went ten hours with no epidural and the staff were horrified/amazed that anyone withstood the pain for so long. Blah blah blah. My labour was a lot different from hers but the one thing I got from my birth plan was to do it with just gas and air (although it was a close thing because it was almost instrumental). Much hoo-hah was made about how I must have a bucket (charming!). I was also told a week later that SIL had lost her baby weight so I had better get cracking on mine.

And it didn't stop once the babies were born. DS has always ran second place to the Golden Child who wrote his first thesis at the tender age of six weeks and started speaking in sentences at four months whilst my dunce of a DS was trying to gnaw off his own hands and peeing on himself whenever his nappy was removed. Not exactly that bad but it was a case of who was drinking the most at feeds, who was putting on weight the fastest, who rolled over/crawled/got teeth/walked first and I was made to feel like a terrible mother because DS didn't walk until 13-14 months, my fault for not forcing him to practice by holding his hands and marching him round the room. DS is a really good talker, I'm not saying that in a bragging way, he just is and I'm proud of him for it but I was getting questions on how many words does he know (I have no idea, I've never counted) and remarks about how I need to work on his pronunciation! He's 19mo, he's talking toddler-speak not announcing the news!

There's a reason we cut off all contact, the above isn't it but it was a contributing factor. Let them get on with it and try not to take any of it to heart, your baby is unique and so is theirs but if they want to try and make it a contest then let them - they'll be the ones who lose out in the end.

My SILs on my side (my brothers' partners) are totally different. One just had a baby and the other is due a week after my due date for this pregnancy. There's been no comparing other than the benign variety like "have you had this? Isn't it weird!" sharing experiences to check it's normal, nothing competitive or catty so it's definitely not all family members who are nasty about it.

hilltop She might not like being pregnant. Lots of people don't love it, but do it because they want children. IMO being pregnant is like going through puberty with a really bad hangover...it doesn't mean i'll love the baby any less when it arrives, but I can't wait to get my old clothes back and to be able to turn over in one movement in bed again! If she has been trying for 10years she might not feel like she can say anything about it as that would be ungrateful, plus you seem to be really enjoying the experience which is wonderful, but might make her feel worse about the way she feels. I say cut her some slack and give her a hug and some cake and ask her if everything is okay. [bubiscuit]

Cbear I can totally see the same thing happening when our LO's are born, I even find myself hoping that they are different sex's so the comparing won't be just as bad between a girl and boy as it would be between 2 boys say.

There's also a big chance they will be in different classes at school as my baby is due a day before the cut of date for a new yr in school (its the 2nd July in NI) and i'm hoping this is the case, if they are both born before the 2nd July they will be in the same class in primary school and I can only imagine what the comparing would be like then!

tiredfeet MIL is well known for her blunt commets so iv'e learnt to develop a thick skin- but its reassuring to know that everyone else laughs at her and my other SIL's get the same treatment so at least I'm not the only one! But I do feel there is resentment on her part too as we are 'only' married 2 yrs whereas SIL is married 11 yrs.

Joannezipan in fairness I don't love actually being pregnant (the symptoms etc) but love my bump what gets me through is what is going to be in my arms in 9 months time, its not that she doesn't talk about being pregnant, she does, its just she constantly complains about everything and I would love to tell her to stop being so bloody ungrateful-she acts like someone who didn't plan the baby and doesn't really want it- that's the thing that baffles me!! We were only trying for 6 months and we are over the moon to have our LO on the way this I find it really hard to understand the way she is going on!!

To be honest it sounds like you have more issues with her than she does with you. Try focusing on how lovely it will be for your baby to have a cousin close in age rather than being a bitch about your SIL, just because she isn't in awe of your neat bump.

furry, you obviously don't have a SIL like the OP and many others on MN.

The OP is obviously feeling a bit annoyed with the way her SIL (& MIL) are comparing the two & came to rant, I don't think she is "being a bitch" & find your comment quite harsh.

hilltop, I'm just glad my SIL isn't pregnant, I'd never hear the bloody end of it! Try to ignore any comparisons / comments, you'll have your lovely bundle soon!

Possibly it was a bit blunt, I'm in a shocking mood today, but I do think she's being a quite harsh on the SIL by basically saying that she thinks SIL doesn't want her baby as much as she does because she's complaining about being pregnant. Fair enough have a whinge about SIL saying you're bigger than you think you are but why start moaning about how you don't think she's acting grateful enough about having a baby?

From the OP's posts, it sounds like she's getting a bit down at SIL and MIL constantly putting her down and trying to make her out to be some sort of heffalump in front of other people as well. To compound it her SIL is then constantly complaining about her own pregnancy.

I'd be ticked off too, especially with the pregnancy hormones, and the heat....

OP I'd take your husbands advice and avoid!

My twin sister and I were pg and due 6 days apart so obviously got a lot of comparisons. TBH I found it annoying too. I also felt annoyed on her behalf because she got a lot of stretchmarks early on and I only ever got one tiny one. I felt like people were being quite nasty to her by comparing her with me. It's not her fault she got stretch marks, and it's not my fault I got none. It was annoying for us and we're used to it being twins so I can see how it must be extra annoying for you. [busad]

furry I actually think the opposite of what you've said. The OP's SIL probably has issues herself, maybe she feels she's been compared to the OP and feels in some way inferior because it took so much longer for her, and because she doesn't feel she looks as good so covers herself up.

hilltop I think this is going to be something that won't stop, you will always be compared, but maybe you should explain to people when it happens that you don't want you two to be compared and you think it would be far nicer if people were pleased that not one, but two babies will be joining the family soon. [busmile]

Are you sure you're not critical of her? You seem quite hung up on the size issue yourself "am still fittting in most of my size 10 stuff" "most people comment on how neat I am for 30 wks"

Also are you sure that she's trying to "hide" her bump wearing big jumpers - maybe that's just what fits her at the moment and is comfortable.

saoirse you're probably right.

OP I shouldn't have called you a bitch, sorry about that.

I think either avoid or make an alliance.

So many many women have body hang ups about what's right and what's not, aren't body comparisons ie skinny models in magazines, what get the blame for many eating disorders.

I can imagine that it's mentally tough on most women to become accustomed to their quiet significant change in body shape during pregnancy. I'm sure it must be weighing on both of you immensely if on top of your own personal feelings about your body shapes, family (people who are supposed to care and support) are judging you both on how you look and how big / small your bumps are. I think it sounds awful what they are doing to you both by passing comment in this way. MIL is probably just trying to support her daughter more than you, slightly understandable if she's getting the fat comments.

People love a good row and will quiet often set up situations to cause differences, look at trashy mags, some celeb's always fighting with another. Some people have nothing better to do than shit stir. The important thing for both of you is that your babies are happy and healthy so I'd say rise above it and let anyone who wants to crack on with the playground crap.

Thanks for te replys ladies I was thinking more people would say get over yourself etc so it seems alot of people have been through the same thing and im not the only one with crazy-ass IL's!!

dontdoitkatie I said that so people wouldn't come on here and say "perhaps your bigger than u think u are" etc, I was trying to demonstrate how the only people who have made negative/nasty comments are my SIL and MIL and everyone else has made lovely comments, which to me is really spiteful as it's something u should never do to any woman never mind a pregnant woman and both should know better as they have been through it too!

The fact that my SIL is trying to make me feel bad about myself to make herself feel better is not on- it won't change anything about her size or mine- and it's not really my fault the size of my bump- I eat like a horse although I do like to say fit as i know the benefits of it pre and post labour, but she makes out like im a fitness freak if she hears I've been for a 3 mile walk, which is something I really enjoy esp in the good weather.

pixie i totally agree all women know wat its like, so should cut each other a bit of slack esp in pregnancy.

fuzzywuzzy i would love to be able to avoid like my DH said but its just not possible as we live 5 mins from each other so im just gonna have to keep contact to a minium or else i would end up having a complex about myself!

I am so glad you both are not my SIL. I actually cannot decide who is the bigger tosser: her for comparing bumps and putting you down for this or you for saying "she def has ishooes as this is and IVF baby after 2nd attempt and trying for about 10ysr" and putting her down for that.