Anyone have a bump 'frenemy'?

[hilltop666]

So my SIL and I are both pregnant shes due about 10 days before me, and im getting really pissed off with the constant comparing of bumps.

The weird thing is im alot smaller but she keeps trying to make me feel like im bigger than i actualy am saying "oh your massive now" - most people comment on how neat I am for 30 wks, I def have a bump and have put weight on my ass and thighs but no one else seems to notice and everyone else says im all bump, am still fittting in most of my size 10 stuff and am really embracing the bump and loving looking pregnant.

She def has ishooes as this is and IVF baby after 2nd attempt and trying for about 10ysr, so I feel she shouldn't really give a shit that her bump is bigger than mine and always tryng to hide it (wearing massive jumpers) and just enjoy the fact that she is preganant and is going to have a gorgeous baby at the end of it. I just want to shake her and say who cares what size u are the baby is the most important thing!! [bunconfused]

Anyone else have a pregnant frind or family member who does this??

bemybebe it's her whole attitude to the pregnancy that is baffling me- from telling everyone she was pregnant after 3 weeks, when she had lost 3 before at a very early stage to a 'get this thing out of me til i get into my normal clothes' type attitude which I think is a bit strange as she must have realised that she couldn't have a baby without putting on weight, there are many other strange things she has said and done that u prob wouldn't even believe. And i'm not the only one in the family to think its all a bit strange.

She can be weird if she wants I can only try and be nice for so long but when shes projecting it onto me and trying to somehow make me feel bad about myself that's where I draw the line - I don't want to start a family row over it so that's why im letting a bit of steam off here!!!

It's really you who sounds like you're obsessed by weight.

And very critical of her.

You are perfectly entitled to let your steam off here, but are you sure you are being fair here?..

I told everyone about being pregnant 6 weeks into my pregnancy, does my attitude baffles you also? I had perfectly good my own reasons for it, I lost my baby in mc 4 months prior and was so upset, I HAD to tell people that I was pg and lost it, because how otherwise can you explain weeks and weeks of tears? So when I because pg again, I actually wanted people to know, because for me it was important to be able to share this. I am talking about people I know well, family and friends.
I just found this comment about IVF and mc very nasty, especially linking it to "ishoos". Wow.

"when I because became pg again"

Perhaps (I hope) I'm reading this wrong but OP are you really intimating that your SIL shouldn't have any opinion about her bump because if the way her baby was conceived???? Really????
And those who have said she might feel "inferior", why would that be? If you're lucky enough to conceive naturally it doesn't make you or your baby "superior" in any way at all, so why might she feel inferior? I'm baffled!

And in response to the SIL saying she wanted the baby out, I felt exactly the same - I felt my body had betrayed me for a long time and wanted the pregnancy to fly so that I could have my baby. It doesn't mean she's got "ishoos", it more likely means she's been through a physical and emotional journey which you will never have to share, luckily for you, and now has to endure your odd attitude. Tell me, did you tell her that it "only took 6 months to conceive"? You sound very lacking in empathy and understanding.

bemybebe she was telling anyone who vaguely knew her she was pregnant not just friends and family, perhaps I'm just different but I wouldn't want everyone around me to know my personal business esp with all that had happened previously, and alot of people were aghast at her tellin them when she hardly knew them at all, surely 3 wks is a bit early??

The part i can't get my head around is she really does act like the baby is unwanted- there's no joy or happyness when she speaks about the baby, its just constant complaining even so far as to say she will always be at MIL's house as she doesn't want to be stuck with a baby all the time! She can't have thought it was gonna be a walk in the park, surely I'm not the only one who thinks this is strange behaviour from a 35 yr old.

dontdoitkatie I am trying to get across how I really don't care- I was fully prepared for putting on plenty of weight but haven't put on as much as I though which im obviously happy about- the weight thing is her issue and I don't think I should be made to feel bad about myself for it.

Bagofholly I most certainly did not say "it only took me 6 months to conceive" wat kind of a monster do you think I am?!

I came on here for a bit of support and was thinking someone else may have been through the same thing but instead some people are making me out to be a complete bitch, its not my fault I don't have a big bump or I got pregnant relatively easy, I don't think I should be made to feel bad about these things, I haven't had an easy time with my health either and am just so happy about the little bundle of Joy we will have soon. I know pregnncy can be really tough for some people and I've had a few scares and been admitted to hospital a few times recently (which SIL knows about but has never mentioned btw) I'm just of the opinion that if someone wants to have a baby they shouldnt spend the 9months complaining (unless they have had an awful pregnancy symptoms which she hasn't had) as its such a wonderful thing!!

But everyone is entitled to their own opinion I suppose!

Why are you "obviously happy" about not having put on weight as you thought when you're pregnant? It's normal to put on weight in pregnancy. It's a good thing.

"I'm just of the opinion that if someone wants to have a baby they shouldnt spend the 9months complaining"

See that's what makes you her frenemy. You are highly critical of her.

Are you annoyed that she told everyone she was pregnant first (timings sound that way) and stole your thunder?

hill When someone goes through IVF, they know exactly the day they conceive. Getting pregnant for them starts not with the line on a pregnancy test but with having this first appointment and getting all the drugs in order, months before THE day. Injections for weeks, raging hormones for weeks and all even before the eggs are collected. Not all produce eggs, not all get good embryos. Counting the days after the embryo is implanted is, as people say, the hardest two-week wait. Midwives tell these women to behave as if they are pregnant (so vitamins, foods as appropriate, no hot baths etc). Chemical pregnancy is very common and can be just as hard for a woman as the 'normal' miscarrage. And then the financial implication. Even if IVF is paid for under NHS there are only so many cycles one is allowed.

Announcing the pregnancy at 3 weeks is not that early under the circs and her excitement is perfectly understandable. I also understand why you are not getting it never having to go through this hassle. This is not criticism, some people have to experience the whole process before they appreciate what others have to go through.

I am sorry, you both sound rather bad to me.

When she told everyone she was pregnant I didn't even know I was so I could hardly be annoyed by that! I was over the moon for her and her DH, and when the time came I actually felt sick at the thought of tellin her I was too as I was unsure of what her reaction would be and how it would affect her.

It's not that I haven't put on weight, I'm currently about 2 stone heavier than before I was pg and for my starting weight that's where I should be and i've a few wks to go yet, I'm sure most women would be happy enough to not put on excessive weight that is not needed during pregnancy.

The issue really isn't about weight with me I couldn't give a shit as long as LO is healthy, the issue is SIL and MIL trying to make me feel bad about myself surely thats a nasty thing to do to anyone pg or not?!

Of course, no-one should make a pg woman feel bad about herself. She is totally out of order for doing it to you and your MIL also.

hmm, so it is 'my bump is better than yours' thread. of cos it is my love!

bemybee I know I cannot even begin to imagine wat she has went through in the past but I understand her telling family and close friends for support, but telling practical stangers and people she has met once is a bit much is it not, her DH wasn't happy with her tellin people but by the time he found out about it most people already knew. I just though most people IVF or not waited to the 10/12 wk scan to annouce it to the world.

Myself and others have tried to give her support in the past and she doesn't want to know, so we just let her get on with it. I'm just ranting on here as I would never start anything in RL cos we could all do without it- this may seem bitchy but surely it's better than starting a family row?

I have said nothing for yrs for the sake of my DH who is very close to his family, but this is not the first time she has tried to bring me down, a similar thing happened when she tried to ruin my hen night and my other SIL's wedding, but no one wants to say anything to her because she had been going through alot trying to conceive, I appreciate how tough it must have been but it's no excuse for being a bitch and getting away with it.

I think the problem here is that you and her and complete opposites in terms of pregnancies, from what I've gathered. People making comparisons, which unfortunately they do when two women are pregnant at the same time in a family, is just highlighting those things that are different between you and judging you both for them. This is then pushing the two of you into doing the same, judging each other when neither of you seem to know each other a huge amount ie she's not your best mate to start with.

It is wholly possible that after such trouble conceiving she may have a lot of feelings of body betrayal and anxiety about MC and isn't bonding with her bump. Perhaps you have become target for her feelings. Pregnancy can be very lonely for a woman, maybe she'd talk to you about it but because things appear from her perspective to be going so well for you she feels you wouldn't understand. Hence the awkward feelings between the two of you.

I don't think it's likely to stop or be resolved. I don't think you're being unreasonable for feeling hurt by the judgement and nasty comments and perhaps it is making you look at her pregnancy and ask questions yourself. Try your best to rise above it, if her targeting you makes her feel better then so be it, you can be better than that.

Oh and rant away, I think it's good for the soul and agree much better than starting anything in RL. It'll probably make you feel better to get your feelings off your chest.

hill I just tried to explain to you why a seemingly rational decision to wait til 12 weeks may be explain by perfectly rational decision not to. In my case - I needed others to know because of support, in her case - she was probably too excited to keep quiet. It does not mean that people who choose to tell earlier are somehow not thinking straight as you seemed to imply.

In any case, it is perfectly possible that your SIL has 'ishoos' but I do not think it is fair to bring her fertility problems into this (anyway how does this link to your hen-night or other SIL wedding?).

I wish you strength to stay positive ahead of your LO arrival!!

Thanks pixie I know I will continue to rise above it as I love my DH too much to actually do anything about it so i'll just have to put up and shut up I guess!:(

bemy the hen night/wedding thing are just typical of how she tries to ruin anything that other people find joy in, and she starts rows so the attention on the day is all on her (albeit negative attention) I just really didn't think she would try this with someones pregnancy. The IVF is an issue in it all, as from the start both her and MIL has made out that her baby is more special beacuse of they way her's was conceived- surely all babies are equally special and I dread to think of our LO feeling left out feeling second best by picking up on this feeling in yrs to come.

Didn't have a bump frenemy but people went on and on about how small i was and decided that I wasn't eating properly so I could stay slim! It infuriated me, as if I'd but my unborn child at risk for the sake of vanity!
In the end my 1st was 7lb 8oz, and my 2nd was 8lb 7oz so it shut everyone up! :)

hilltop, ultimately your SIL & her DC, MIL .etc & their opinions really don't matter. Your LO will always be the most important and special baby to you & DH. I'm hoping your MIL will love your DC & SIL's DC equally & not treat them differently.

Your SIL probably feels her baby is more longed for after a longer process of trying & IVF, MIL probably empathisises with her more as it's her daughter.

FWIW, my SIL (not pregnant but heavily pfb) is currently acting like a spoilt brat as she won't be the apple of her DM & DF's eyes anymore, even referring to DP & I's unborn child as "that baby", at first it bothered us but now DP & I just shrug off her childlike behaviour - it is quite comical to watch really...

Please try not to worry about the way your SIL & MIL are being, concentrate on staying happy, healthy & bringing your lovely LO into the world. :)

PostBlue, are you my Mum? My DSis was 7lb 8oz & I was 8lb 7oz!

Thanks wii most of the time I do just shrug it off as my SIL is really immature even though im nearly 10 yrs younger than her, I know better than to even indulge her.

Btw latest comment is that she will be having her christening the 'weekend' I'm having my baby- she must not realise that people don't usually go on their due date and that all babies are not born on the weekend this shows the kind of thing im dealing with- so the plan in her head is if shes already had her baby she will try and bring the attention back to her while im having mine so everyone will be at her christening and no one will come to visit me and our LO! Good job I can laugh!

No one gives a rat's hair arse about me and my bump (sob) ;)

But I like it. I've lost quite a bit of weight with this one and am a size 8 who looks like she has swallowed a watermelon.

With my first I put on 4 stone and my bump was a large coalesence of fat and baby.

Was throwing up with both pregnancies every day (which shows just how much I was eating with number one...)

But yes, pointless attention seeking is incredibly annoying. Plus she is projecting.

My MIL has an eating disorder and it is so incredibly tiresome to have my weight, weight gain, weight loss, eating, and size continually and aggressively assessed by her. Very draining. It's as if I don't exist as a person. Just my size.

"Didn't have a bump frenemy but people went on and on about how small i was and decided that I wasn't eating properly so I could stay slim! It infuriated me, as if I'd but my unborn child at risk for the sake of vanity!"

Yes. MIL suggested my sickness beyond 20 weeks is bulimia

OMG BULIMIA!! U win the crazy MIL competition by a mile otch