Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Being made to feel like a freak because I don't want to find out the sex!

55 replies

MrsBloomingTroll · 08/03/2011 12:42

Is anyone else finding they are being made to feel like a freak because they don't want to know the sex of their baby?

DH and I didn't find out last time either, and we enjoyed the anticipation, discussing names, and the finding out. We actually have the best of both worlds already because our lovely DD is neither a girly-girl (although happy to wear a dress/tutu/fairy wings from time to time) nor a complete tomboy (but loves kicking a ball around).

I think it's also because we've had quite a long journey trying to conceive. When we first started out we had had discussions like "a born in would be perfect because ..." but as it became clear we wouldn't have that choice, we have just been grateful for any baby born in any month.

But we seem to be in the small minority amongst our friends in terms of not minding either way/not finding out. And I keep finding myself in conversations where I'm being made to feel like a complete weirdo for not wanting to find out before the birth.

The "nursery" is our spare room, painted cream, and the baby will be dressed in white for the first weeks, as was DC1. We don't like baby pink or baby blue anyway. So what difference does it make?

Please tell me it's not just me being made to feel like this?

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
theborrower · 08/03/2011 15:46

Also, I had also heard about a friend of a friend that had been told the wrong sex! So it does happen. I didn't see the point in finding out if it wasn't accurate anyway.

But each to their own. It just wasn't for me.

TryingToBeStrong · 08/03/2011 15:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wolfhound · 08/03/2011 15:55

Just had my 20 week scan and chose not to find out either - didn't with either of my first two either. Because they're both boys, people assume we must be desperate for a girl, but not at all - completely happy with whatever comes. For me, there's something really special about that moment when the baby pops out and you discover what it is - the gender is just part of this whole amazing new person. Gender doesn't dictate personality (DS1 and DS2 are quite different personalities) and for me, knowing the gender in advance just creates all these expectations of what the baby's going to be like. Pretty much everyone else I know has chosen to find out though, so I feel in a minority. I have the feeling a lot of people think we've found out and are just keeping it to ourselves, which is a bit annoying. So, I completely understand how you feel OP, and you're not alone!

ShowOfHands · 08/03/2011 16:04

Just to clarify people who do find out aren't necessarily doing it because they're planning their child's life around their genitals or wanting to buy pink/blue.

I wanted to find out because I wanted to find out. I didn't and don't buy anything pink and cutesy because I was having/have a girl and I didn't want to plan anything. I just wanted to know if the option was there.

My 'life's true surprise' was finding out I was pregnant in the first place, from then on it was pretty much a baby or a baby. With a willy or without.

jasmine51 · 08/03/2011 16:09

Show totally agree. I wanted to find out because...well, I just wanted to find out. I like to dream about my LO and I like to talk to him - it just feel right for me to know what gender I am talking to and dreaming about! Not for everyone...but right for me

AmazingBouncingFerret · 08/03/2011 16:10

I was going to write pretty exactly what SOH did.
Well said, couldnt of put it better myself! Grin

I dont give it much thought either way. Either you find out or you dont, it really doesnt bother me.

theborrower · 08/03/2011 16:13

Showofhands - sorry if I sounded rude. What I meant was, even if you wanted to know but not because you wanted to get anything gender specific, it seems that everyone else wants to do this for you. Hence my friend being annoyed that people kept saying to her "how do I know what to buy?". She had a baby shower (she's in the States) and her family didn't get stuff off their list (stuff that she would need, like equipment) because they wanted to know whether to get pink or blue basically, and waited until Baby was born to get her lots of pink clothes instead. She specifically didn't tell anyone the sex because she didn't want them to do this, but they did it anyway!

LLKH · 08/03/2011 16:30

OP, not weird at all. In fact, we thoroughly enjoyed the anticipation and, lentil-weaving as it sounds, DH was the one to tell me we had a daughter.

buttonmoon78 · 08/03/2011 16:47

I have not found out with dcs 1-3 (though I had a strong inkling with dd2 due to scanner's comments). With dd1&2 the MW told us what we had but with ds (dc3) DH told me. I nearly fell off the bed in shock!

However, 9 days (and counting) til anomaly scan with dc4. I am quite desperate to find out but I won't as I really, honestly like the surprise!

But I am already bored of knitting white, unisex stuff...

buttonmoon78 · 08/03/2011 16:49

Hang on - missed the point. Yes. I did feel like a lot of folks thought I was a freak. I'm sure it works both ways but I hope I don't make 'finder outerers' feel like a freak for finding out.

As others have said - each to their own.

babytrekkie · 08/03/2011 17:01

Our 1st baby is due is June and we found out we're having a girl. We just wanted to know. That's the kind of people we are!! I know people in my work place who chose not to find out and some who wanted to know. It's just down to personal choice. There's no wrong or right. Everyone has the freedom to choose!

doodledee · 08/03/2011 17:48

I didn't find out either pregnancy but everyone keeps asking what we're having like its unusual not to want to know. Saying that i've had very positive response from 'older' women who say good for you, thats how it should be!

Original poster
MrsBloomingTroll · 08/03/2011 18:02

I'm not in the U.S, am in the U.K. So maybe it's just my circle of friends who are like this?

As many of you have said, each to their own. I personally find it odd when everyone knows the sex and name of the baby weeks and weeks before birth - that's my opinion but I'd never share it with my friends.

So I do find it Hmm when others feel they can share their opinion on our choice with me. I really have been made to feel like our choice is an odd one.

With our DD, DH and I found out together when she was born and placed on my chest, which was a lovely and emotional moment for us.

OP posts:
gothmom · 08/03/2011 18:05

I have had a few funny comments about our decision to wait til the birth to find out the gender. I guess I would have had just as many funny comments if we had found out too. Like so many people have already said it is such a personal thing and should be totally up to you.

Other people feel like they own you when you are pregnant enough as it is with their not-always-wlecome/helpful advice, downright rude comments about your size and "shock-horror" belly groping going on that I just felt I wanted to keep something a secret.

Guess I'll find out in a day or two!

LionRock · 08/03/2011 18:09

It seems to be just another thing about pg that should be considered a personal decision but instead.. everyone wants to share their opinion!

I was tempted to know but but OH didn't. Now, I feel almost militant that I don't want the gender stereotyping to start while I'm pg FFS! I've always felt that I dodn't want to do the pink/blue thing and like gender-neutral clothes etc anyway. Also now OH's family are almost obsessed with gender (they 'know' it's definitely a boy, no a girl, no definitely a boy) and I feel quite protective of this unborn baby whose personality, lifestyle, everything really has been decided already for them.
Because of what's between their legs. Sad

bessie26 · 08/03/2011 21:28

TBH when I tell people we haven't found out because we like surprises they have all said that's a really nice thing to do/ don't get many surprises in life these days/etc, so yeah, it seems weird to me that people have made you feel like that

The sister of a lady at work got told she was having a boy, they did the whole blue room/bedding/clothes thing & only looked at boys names, and were very surprised when a little girl popped out!

bilblio · 08/03/2011 22:17

It's one of the few real surprises you get in life. It seems really wierd to me that people want to find out in advance.

With DD I was convinced I was having a boy. I did a proper double take when she arrived, before they quickly whisked her away. I spent the next couple of hours sat in the delivery room looking at her with an inane grin saying "I've had a girl! I've got a little girl!" and the drugs had worn off. :o

DC2 is due in October and people are already asking me if I'm going to find out - no. And what I want - a healthy baby. No preference, but a girl would be cheaper :)

ShowOfHands · 08/03/2011 22:29

You see it doesn't seem weird to me that somebody would want to wait and find out at birth even though I would never wait to know. I accept that other people have different preferences.

I suppose gender is in some ways irrelevant to me. Finding out the gender was the same as reading that 'the baby now has finger nails' or 'the heart is beating'. I was interested in the person in there, not specifically what was between its legs. Just facts of anatomy.

prettywhiteguitar · 09/03/2011 08:22

my mum seemed to take it realy personally that we would DARE keep the sex a suprise from HER ! How on earth can she purchase anything ???

God I actually had to ask her to stop mentioning it as it was really annoying me.

I found out with my first but this time have really enjoyed not knowing. Does make it lovely guessing between you what you might have :)

So excited !!!

Phlebas · 09/03/2011 09:17

we've done it both ways for various reasons (in 6 pregnancies), this time we found out in a probably futile attempt to prepare ds2 (with autism) for the whole baby thing. TBH I've had far more catsbumfaces about finding out than not, people seem to think it is some sort of shallow vanity exercise & there's virtue in waiting. Most people I know have done a mixture of knowing & not knowing.

It was fun to tell people "it's a girl/boy" when they were born, but honestly not that much of a big deal either way, my eldest dd really likes to know antenatally. We definitely have had naming fatigue towards the end so was happy to find out this time & save months of pointless discussion!

jasmine51 · 09/03/2011 09:20

Phlebas Grin re catsbumfaces!

SilverSky · 09/03/2011 09:26

Him Indoors wanted to know. I didn't. So we didn't. No way he could have kept it to himself.

It was nice not knowing - the anticipation/names discussion etc etc.

I found that most people expected us to know what we were having and seemed surprised that we wanted to wait til the big day.

For me, nothing matches that moment when HI revealed the sex. Was amazing. For us.

It's your child, your decision and don't let others make you feel bad!

MrsSawyer · 09/03/2011 10:33

Im only 14 weeks and already have a DS, so it really doesnt make a difference what we have, i will just wash the clothes i kept from ds and if we need blue ones, then there they are, if we need pink ones, then we will buy pink ones after!

My stepmum has also said "but how will i know what colour to buy" I simply answer "white will be lovely!"

On a quite sad note, my friend was told she was having a girl at her 20 wk scan and so everything imaginable was bought in pink, nursery painted light pink and the childs name written in dark pink on the walls (shes very arty) and then she had a boy.
Ive rarely seen anyone more distressed, and no matter how many times she was told she had a healthy baby and to be grateful etc, she sank further and further into depression and has never really bonded with her DS. He is now 4. She did go on to have another baby and it was a girl, and she is the apple of her eye.

Sometimes it does not do well to know too much.

del1 · 09/03/2011 10:52

I think it is so much more exciting and enjoyable not knowing the sex.
After carrying the baby around for 9 months, and going through the labour, it is great when your fella finaly tells you if its a girl or a boy.

I didnt find out for my first two, even though DH was desperate to find out.
My family were also eager, and kept telling me to find out.
One aunty even told my parents that I knew, but was keeping it quiet!!!
So my parents and sister thought for months I was lying - and I didnt even know what had been said untill my baby was a few months old!! cheeky cow!
I am pregnant with number 3, which was unexpected.

DH is insisting we find out this time, as it will help with organising rooms, getting clothes etc ( cause we got rid of all the baby stuff, not expecting any more)
I have agreed, but really dont want to, because I do love the supprise. But I got my own way with the first two, so suppose I should give in Sad

eastegg · 09/03/2011 11:25

OP I wasn't made to feel like a freak exactly, but I did get the feeling I was in a minority. That was with DS 2 years ago and now we're expecting no.2 and definitely won't find out. I absolutely love not knowing and finding out on the day. MIL, who's a great one for asking the same question again even though you've given a definite answer, like a form of subtle pressure, kept asking us with DS whether we would find out, so I'm expecting that again (she doesn't know yet). I couldn't be more certain about it though. That feeling when DS was born was amazing.