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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Stop telling me things are 'impossible' after the baby comes

54 replies

Cyclebump · 28/02/2011 13:43

I'm 35 weeks with DC1 and am amazed at the tide of negativity about things I've said I'm planning to do/try to do after I've had the baby. Obviously there have been a few exceptions and people who have been positive but surely life continues post-baby?

Things I've mentioned that, according to friends/family/strangers are 'impossible':

Using reusable nappies. Ever. All I said was that I wanted to give them a go and was thinking of phasing them in after the first few weeks.

Going for walks in the local park (right outside my house). 'Oh no, you won't leave the house for WEEKS!'

Going to France with baby when he's about eight weeks old (driven and taken by ferry by mum to parents' house in France).

There are other things too, but it's starting to drive me a bit mad. Anyone else get this?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

jabberwocky · 28/02/2011 13:47

Yes, I got the same thing. It was very frustrating to me. Everyone's experience is different and especially with the first one you have no idea of what will happen so it is rude, imo, for others to try to immediately burst your bubble.

Iggly · 28/02/2011 13:51

Actually with a newborn things are easier than with a moving baby/toddler. If I only I knew that then! Hindsight is wonderful. I tell every pregnant woman I know that they should get out as much as they can while they're tiny!

Everyone has an opinion - it only gets worse once baby is here I'm afraid.

Bideyin · 28/02/2011 13:53

Motherhood is a licence to receive unwanted advice and criticism I'm afraid.

BlingLoving · 28/02/2011 13:53

haha. Cyclebump - you and I are on the same page (I have another thread going currently about people telling me how I will feel after baby comes vs how I feel now).

Just ignore them. You sound like you know perfectly well that you may have to adapt your plans, but there's no reason to believe you can't do these things. Certainly, I know people who've done all or some of the ones you specifically mention. And for myself, I have no doubt that if I were to not leave the house for weeks after the baby was born I'd probably comment murder!

MaxiCosy · 28/02/2011 13:54

Nothing is impossible (well, within reason), take no notice of them.

I use washables and have had two in cloth for 8 months now, its really fairly easy. Get used to people looking at you as if you have two heads when you say you use washables though.

I took both DD to the park when DD2 was 2 days old, pushed my P&T up the hill and had an ice cream. DH was tired and really needed the break.

It just depends on what type of baby you have. If the birth goes well and you feel recovered quite quickly and if you have a baby that feeds/sleeps relatively easily then its easy to do lots of things. On the other hand if you have a long hard birth, struggle to recover etc etc then you might need to take things more slowly. You just take what you get and make the best of it.

minibmw2010 · 28/02/2011 13:54

I'm with you ... I haven't made criticism as such re any future plans, just the usual "oh its so hard", "no sleep", "you'll feel like rubbish", etc. I'm a fairly level headed person but with the amount of hormones that are going around my body at the moment comments like these are really starting to leave me quite depressed and worried.

themymble · 28/02/2011 13:55

I got this, endlessly. However, I also had a few wise people who told me how portable tiny babies were. I think it really does depend on your birth experience and the temperament of your baby and how easy you find breast feeding (should you choose to feed that way.) If you have a calm baby who feeds well and a birth that doesn't leave you feeling destroyed then there are very few things you can't do. For a number of reasons I was keen to get out in the world with my first born. I went on holiday to a cottage in Wales when he was about a week old, stayed in a Yurt for a week when he was 2 months, went to lovely restaurants (he slept under the table) went on walks on the moors very regularly (the first I think he was 2 days old) etc.

On the other hand, there should be no pressure to "carry on as normal" and rush around madly. I was keen to show my partner that life wasn't going to end and that we could still have fun and was quite "high" for a long time after the birth so that is why we did so much, however, this time I have nothing to prove and will do exactly what I feel is right for me and my baby (and partner and ds.)

Remember, some people love telling you how hard everything is going to be!

TerrorFirmer · 28/02/2011 13:55

tell 'em TerrorFirmer uses reusables and she's a right lazy bastard.

Sparklies · 28/02/2011 13:58

Wow, what a load of rubbish!! I was out shopping 5 days after my EMCS with DC2. Admittedly, it wasn't advised (I didn't know this until afterwards when I got told off!) but I was so happy to be free of SPD I was desperate to just be able to get out and walk again!

Newborns are remarkably portable, especially in a sling. If you're breastfeeding, all you need is a change of clothes and nappy. Yes, things are a bit more tricky immediately post-birth, but frankly you've been struggling with late pregnancy for months beforehand so it's not that different. True, you're massively behind on sleep but most women don't sleep well in late pregnancy either so you're already prepared for that.

I used to get this crap off people too with my first, especially work colleagues. I was pleasantly surprised to find it was nowhere near as bad as they'd been making out - AND I had a baby with bad colic and was also readmitted to the hospital two weeks PP with an infection. You just deal with stuff, you know?

Now, when they're toddlers and you can't take them anywhere as they have zero patience, that's when things become impossible :)

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 28/02/2011 13:58

Certain things are very possible, some things less so!

Reuseables - yes.

Walks - yes, although you will be horrified at how long it takes you to sort yourself out to get through the door.

Trip to France - yes, especially with family assistance - I did something v.similar.

Go out for meals while the baby is still little and will snooze in the carseat or buggy. It gets much harder once they are about 6 months old and you need to take a whole load of stuff to keep them amused and also food etc.

Original poster

Cyclebump · 28/02/2011 14:01

See, where are all these sensible people when you need them?!

Oh and BlingLover, after commenting on your thread I was inspired!

What irritates me the most is that I'm a generally quite laid back person. None of these plans are set in stone, they're just ideas and aspirations, they don't need to be shot down so violently!

Luckily my mum's way supportive. She tells me to ignore everyone else and do what feels right. What a star.

OP posts:

KatieWatie · 28/02/2011 14:06

I'm dreading this already - my parents tend to be REALLY negative (about everything!) and I'm reluctant to tell them I'm expecting because I know I'll just get a whole load of negativity, how hard it will be etc. It's not even as if I'd believe it, but just the fact that they'd want to make me feel negative about something that should be really positive is really frustrating. If that makes sense.

I had the same thing at my engagement, my wedding, when I went travelling etc. etc. They've got form for it.

I wonder if I can conceal the entire pregnancy and subsequent birth??

MaxiCosy · 28/02/2011 14:06

Practice ignoring everyone else because this is just the start of it. As a mum your life is public property, there will be lots of raised eyebrows and comments once baby is born as everyone feels the need to comment on when to wean/how to feed/how to dress/sleep training/routines etc. Just ignore, ignore, ignore (and check on MN when advice is needed!)

MadamDeathstare · 28/02/2011 14:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

coraltoes · 28/02/2011 14:13

My friends went out for lunch at a local gastro pub (great beer garden) with baby when he was 5 days old! you can do whatever you set your mind to.

Ignore the naysayers.

Albrecht · 28/02/2011 14:15

People just like to feel superior because they 'know what its really like' and you are being naive, blah blah.

Like MaxiCosy said, depends what kind of birth you have and what type of baby you have. Don't forget to rub it in their noses if you do manage any of the above feats!

jasmine51 · 28/02/2011 14:17

I got so fed up with being told 'you dont know how hard its going to be' I just started replying 'well if its that bad I'll just have him adopted'

Saffra · 28/02/2011 14:18

What a nice thread - I think it's really important to hear these encouraging comments. Especially as it's the negative bits that you seem to remember.

I have often read mums say that they go days without having a shower or washing their hair when their baby is newborn - and it does make me really wonder. I always feel a bit confused by this particular statement. Am I being naive?? [confused}

MadamDeathstare · 28/02/2011 14:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 28/02/2011 14:25

Saffra - it happens, there were certainly days when DH came home from work and I had managed to do NOTHING except feed DS. I hadn't even managed a hot cup of tea for myself.

It doesn't mean you can never do anything, but you have to be aware at least that some days just will not happen! :)

The important thing is to do what you feel is right, and not let people put pressure on you one way or the other.
I had an EMCS with DS, and with hindsight I should have spent a lot more time doing nothing in those first few weeks - I would have recovered faster. I still had a weeping scar and could hardly walk at 5 weeks post-partum because I tried to get out and about too soon.
I will be taking things much easier this time around unless I really do feel well.

umiaisha · 28/02/2011 14:34

It drives me insane too..

I was out shopping the day after I got home from hospital with DD and moved house a week later! IMO they are so transportable as newborns and I think the sooner you get back into a routine and out of your PJs the better!!!

prettywhiteguitar · 28/02/2011 14:43

I think you feel like you don't want to leave them to cry for a bit while you make a cup of tea / shower etc. My Ds cried whenever I put him down so it was hard to just let him and have a shower....maybe thats what people mean. I on the other hand got dressed just to make myself feel human and I would kill someone if I hadn't had a cup of tea all day !!

This time poor baby will definitely be left to cry whilst I get cups of tea etc sort ds out. I will also ask for more help this time.....

PipPipPip · 28/02/2011 14:43

Hey ladies, I hear you!

I'm not trying to be some ambitious supermum nutcase, but what's the problem with being optimistic about life with a baby? Surely it can't be rocket science!

LionRock · 28/02/2011 14:43

I totally agree. I'm getting this sort of negativity from OH's mum. Two months to go and she has not said anything positive about pregnancy or motherhood. Here's what I got last week (all in one visit):

you look massive and will need a CS (I'm measuring fine for dates)
my friend's daughter just had a baby and can't cope. Newborns are a nightmare. You'll need to arrange for someone to stay with you (err so I shouldn't plan on any help from your son?)
Her son (my partner) was a horrible baby. Horrible. It'll be awful.
You won't be able to breastfeed (she ff her kids in the 60s/70s)
Followed by a long description of disabled babies she knows and how difficult life is with them. Not that we have any particular reason to worry about this but FFS, why say this all this stuff to a pg woman? A little tact and thoughtfulness would be nice.

This is just an example, there's loads more. I've tried thinking of it as misplaced concern but there's a limit, again pg hormones making it harder to ignore than normal. I've told OH how I feel so it's up to him to get her to tone it down now or accept it'll get worse once the baby's here. He/she's not growing well / too big / should be sitting up by now / whatever.

prettywhiteguitar · 28/02/2011 14:43

babys are much better on holiday when they don't want to be crawling/walking everywhere. Have a lovely time in france op !

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