Partner not interested :(

[Melly19MummyToBe]

So, i'm 19, been with my DP who is 21 for almost 4 and a half years, lived together almost 2 years (1st 10 months of this was spent living with his family. NEVER again) and he bought a house Nov 09. I am almost 26 weeks pregnant with a little girl and although he loves her to bits already and talks to my bump, he makes no effort to reach over and try to feel her kicking because he "probably won't be able to feel it anyway" his words, not mine. And he doesn't seem at all interested in the birth, says he's only going to be there because he has to be, he's not even sure if he wants to. I said I quite liked the idea of a water birth and he looked at me in absolute horror and said "well i'm definately not going to be there then" i'm trying not feel too disheartened by this but I don't know what I can do. I wont have anyone else. My sister will be living with her fiance and 2 kids in stafford in army barracks in June and my mum will be in America. There isn't anyone else I can turn to for support and I just need to talk to somebody for some advice. Please help me

Hey, sorry to hear your DP is being annoying :-(

Perhaps he is just a bit overwhelmed with the pregnancy and the thought of the birth? Sounds like he is interested in the baby (with all the bump talking etc) but maybe freaked out about its arrival?

Do you have any other friends you can talk to?

Because of my age, most of my friends have gone off to uni and are far too busy studying/partying to bother about me. I have 1 friend who has 2 kids, but she is having major problems of her own and I don't want to offload my problems onto her. Her mum reported her to SS for not looking after her kids so now she is under ivestigation. :(

Maybe once the reality of it all dawns he'll step up a bit. If he's a bit interested (talking to your bump etc) then the rest most likely will follow.

My first pregnancy was a little similar although unplanned. I gave DP space to get his head around becoming a father, which I know sounds pathetic, but he had no way of empathising with how I felt. My body was changing and I had all these hormones, but he felt just the same as ever. He lacks imagination, so couldn't really understand what all the fuss was about! By the end of that first pregnancy he was cuddling up and feeling the baby kick all the time. Now he's a very besotted Dad to our two boys :)

I think sometimes men can be a little childish when it comes to this sort of thing. They don't become fathers often until they hold their child for the first time.

Disclaimer: I know this is not true of all men.

He sounds like he is interested he just finds the kicking feeling and water birth a bit out of his comfort zone.

Hi Melly

He is probabley a little overwhelmed by it all. You sound very mature for your age, but remember he is probabley still 15 in his head lol. My OH is 35 and is only just ready for a baby.

I'm sure once he see's you in pain and needing lots of support he will be there for you. Maybe when your feeling calm and collected have a chat with him, explain how frightened you are, and you cant have the support of your Mum or sister and how much you need him. I find that when I try to persuade my OH try and sound like your not having a go, and if he reacts, dont react back, stay calm.

As a back up I think cheeky monkey is right, maybe ask a very good friend to be a back up.

Chin up hun (Big hugs)

He is excited, he can't wait! Not long after we found out he threw himself into building the nursery. We had to build a stud wall through our spare room because it led straight into the bathroom. Now we have a hallway leading to the bathroom, and a seperate nursery.

He won't even read the baby names book, yet he doesn't like anything I come up with. He says reading the book confuses him because he can't even pronounce half the names in there. We are currently negotiating names that go with Poppy, my choice, he's still not keen but coming round to it.

I will try and talk to him tonight. But due to hormones it might not be so easy to stay calm and collected. I will probably end up sobbing my eyes out and not able to get a word out let alone a sentence.

Sounds a bit like my DP. He and I both wanted kids and he's excited in his own, non-expressive way but I was upset for ages because he didn't want to touch the bump or talk about the birth etc.

I'm now nearly 35 weeks and in the past couple of weeks he's suddenly changed. We were on the sofa one night and baby made the whole bump move, DP happened to see and was amazed. Now he sometimes reaches over of his own accord to give the bump a quick stroke and loves it when baby moves. He's finally talked to me about my appointments and has suddenly got an opinion on the birth.

Now that the due date's coming up I think it's made it 'real' for him. It's no longer a bit of tummy flab, it's our baby in there.

Again, there's no doubt in my mind he's always loved and wanted this baby, he's just not very expressive.

Hang in there, he'll get it xx

Thats the same as my DP, he's very un-emotional and not very expressive at all. I'd just love to know what was going on inside his head sometimes. He just doesn't understand at all. He wanted me to leave work late as possible so I get to spend more time afterwards with the baby. He thought I was going to leave work 27th May, My due date is 7th June!! What im actually doing is starting my Mleave 26th April, the day im due back to work after the easter holidays so I get a cheeky extra 2 weeks off :o I work at a school you see.

Thank you for that, I feel reassured now, although theres no guarantee my DP will change like yours did

Similar story here -my DP was excited about the baby but not interested in talking about anything to do with it really. He dismissed most of the names I suggested but never came up with any himself, insisted there was no need for him to be at the birth , and showed no interest in prams, cots etc. I lined my sister up as a birth partner but he slowly started to come round to the idea of being there, still refused to talk about it though! In the end, he was with me in the hospital from start to finish and even cut the cord! I think (sweeping generalisation alert!) that men are generally less interested in all things baby than we are - I just tried not to take it personally, and on the plus side it left me free to pick out whichever pram etc I wanted! My DD is 8 weeks old now and DP is besotted!

I hope my DP turns out like this, i'm not even allowed to watch One Born Every Minute because "it makes me feel sick and it's bad enough that im gonna have to watch you giving birth, I don't wanna see other women doing it and if you're gonna watch it them im off to bed" god I just want to punch him sometimes he can be so damn childish!

I think its really hard for men to understand what is going on when it comes to pregnancy and labour.

My husband is more worried about the birth than I am, he is worried I might end up having a c-section, and constantly tells me that hes not going down the business end and that he wants the baby to be washed before its handed to him. I think its all talk with men once they are there in the labour suite with you, it will all change. He will be in awe at the whole expereince and probably think you are amazing.

If it is really annoying you though maybe have a little word with him about how you feel, tell him your scared aswell and him telling your hes not going to be there or doesnt want to, dont help you out at all.

Im sure he will come round and understand it from your point of view. Has he watched any of OBEM or any of the other baby programmes, maybe if he sees other men being supportive it may help him a bit.

My sister said to me "as soon as you go into labour, grab his hand and DO NOT let go"

He absolutely refuses to watch any sort of programme where other women are giving birth, says it makes him feel sick.

Um, I'm not sure it's fair to complain if he doesn't want to watch OBEM or suchlike.

My DH loves watching things like that and I have to leave the room cos I'm wayyy too squeamish. Watching a video of a woman giving birth during GCSE biology lessons was enough to make me refuse to do the pregnancy thing for over 20 years, and quite frankly, I'm just trying not to think about that bit yet.

Spose everyone's just different. :)

my DP was exactly the same melly! thought talking to the bump was daft, wouldn't look at baby names until a month or two before due date, he had to come to the birth but i know he just felt a bit helpless, couldn't really understand what i was going through and wasn't anything he could do about it anyway. even after the midwife prodded him into cutting the umbilical cord, when asked what it was like he said 'bloody horrible'!

can't say i was surprised TBH, when he was born his DF was sitting outside watching the football...

BUT... he is an amazing dad to DD i think pregnancy is just beyond the imagination of some men, they never have to go through it, or even contemplate it. i wouldn't worry

I think for lots of men it's a very difficult thing to get excited about. We have DC3 due in May, and DH hardly ever talks about it. He doesn't talk to or even touch my bump. We don't really need to buy much, but the bits we do need it's pretty much up to me to choose them - he doesn't seem to have much of an opinion. He openly says he's not excited, but that he will be once the baby arrives. And I know from DD and DS that he will be great :)

I would try not to worry, and also not to get cross with your DP. Explain how you feel, but let him know you understand it can feel very different for him.

Hi, I've got nothing to add to what the others have said other than that I am married to the same type of man. He wasn't into pregnancy and talking about labour but was there for me even though he did say he didn't enjoy it as seeing me in pain was rather distressing. Some men just aren't into things like this but it doesn't mean they don't love their partners or babies. They are just a little slow to come to terms with the new thing that's happened to their family. I have a male friend who has two kids and also openly admits he's not into baby stage. It is understandable as we as mothers feel very natural about it having carried the baby etc. Men are more into toddlers I think, not all men of course. He'll be fine, don't worry, just keep him involved as much as you can and he'll get the confidence and be a great dad.

My DP runs away to the study when OBEM is on.

It's hard for a lot of men find it hard to get excited in the first few months. Their body isn't changing, they don't see or feel anything different. As I said, I think it's not 'real' for men until much later.

Again with the birth, DP was dismissive when I tried to pin him down on whether he wanted to be there. 'Well I have to be don't I?' was his answer. But as soon as I suggested I just ask my mum if he was going to be crap about it he was adamant he wanted to be there.

Don't forget as well that it's scary for a man to know the women he loves is going to be in pain going through birth. Maybe he just can't face thinking about it yet. DP didn't want to talk about the birth at all until recently.

I have underlying pelvic problems and I may have to have an elective CS. DP finally asked when they're going to decide what to do the other night and then mumbled something along the lines of 'I think you should have the section, I want you to be safe'. I had no idea he'd even thought about it, let alone worried about it.

You might find it helpful to book on to an antenatal class. Yes he may not be too keen on the idea initially but its worth seeing if he'll give it a go. I made my DH promise to go for one week and now he's meeting up with the other guys every Saturday for football as well.

He's learned loads, been able to ask questions without me being the "expert" and telling him the answers and found out that most other guys arehalf way between terrified and excited too.

We're doing NCT, which is expensive (£250) but they will let you pay less, or nothing, if you're young or have a low income so don't let that put you off. If you don't fancy NCT then there are NHS classes too. Also NCT do weekend courses (so 2 or three full days) rather than lots of evenings which helps if you think he'd be more up for that than giving up every Tues evening for 8 weeks.

You sound like you're dealing with it all brilliantly. I agree with the other posters, lots of men can do the practical stuff (redecorate, build the cot) but the emotional side of it, the birth bit and the baby naming bit are harder for them. I think some of them can't imagine the baby until it is here.

I feel really reassured now, thanks girls :)

Also, he tends to ask me things about pregnancy/birth/babies and if I don't know the answer he stares at me and goes "Well, you're a woman, you're SUPPOSED to know that aren't you?" Anyone elses partners done that??

Yep!

The antenatal thing is an idea but DP point blank refused to go to my one (NHS). I went alone and it was fine, in fact some of the other men looked distinctly uncomfortable. One went green during the birth video

What are NCT classes as apposed to NHS ones?

What's he like about pain himself? Is he a low threshold person? Is he a bit funny about the sight of blood etc? Maybe he's just totally stressing about the birth. Some men (and women) really can't deal with it. He might be one of those who steps up to the plate when it happens or he might not be able (rather than not willing) to. The bump thing might be a bit of squeamishness too. I know someone who felt ill whenever she felt her own bump move, like it was an alien or something!

Have you thought about getting in touch with a local doula? She might know of someone who's training or perhaps there's some sort of fund for doulas? I don't know (and I may be barking up the wrong tree financially but you and your DP are the same age DH and I were when we had dc1 and we were not flush!).

About names etc, some men (and women) are not good at visualising before a baby arrives. He's obviously interested as he's happy to sort the nursery etc. Once the baby is here he'll probably change dramatically.

I'm sure it will be fine. It may be that you have to accept his limitations and whilst that is not fair on you, to force him into things he won't or can't do might be more damaging.

Good luck anyway. You sound like you have an old head on your shoulders.

Hi Melly,

NCT is National Childbirth Trust. They're a parenting charity and they run lots of courses and have a really good website to help people become happy and confident parents. Their website is NCT. I've linked to a page I think you'll find helpful.

They also have phonelines you can ring if you have a question, there will be lots of activities run by your local group (many of them free). They like to charge £40 a year to be a member, but again, they take circumstances in to account and will do reduced or free membership if you need it.

Honestly, I don't work for them but I've been really impressed with the support and information that I've had from them.

They also do Nearly New sales where you can pick up second hand baby stuff really cheaply. There's a search thing on their website so you can find local ones.

My DH has happily used their site and read articles when he wouldn't touch books (he's normally a book reader) because I think he's more comfortable finding stuff out on the internet. I just gave him the link and let him get on with it in his own time. Then I told him I was doing the course and I'd like him to try it so he understood about the birth and baby, what to expect and how he could support me. He wasn't keen but agreed to go to one and now he is enjoying it.

I'm a bit worried by Cyclebump's comment though; they haven't shown a birth video yet. I hope they don't OBEM was too much for me!!

Oh they showed two in my class. One had a close up of the lady area. I didn't mind, but as I said, the men weren't loving it!

I loved the class though, we toured the labour ward and, although I was well-informed before, now I feel ready.

No he's fine with blood and stuff, not squeamish at all, before he got a proper job he used to go bush-beating, and shooting rabbits, foxes etc. and he used to work on a pig farm and you quite frequently had to deal with dead pigs which swell up really big and go green and smelly sorry if TMI :o

I think he's just not interested because he doesn't really understand whats happening to me, i'm sure you all know what I mean by that.