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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Partner not interested :(

56 replies

Melly19MummyToBe · 25/02/2011 11:44

So, i'm 19, been with my DP who is 21 for almost 4 and a half years, lived together almost 2 years (1st 10 months of this was spent living with his family. NEVER again) and he bought a house Nov 09. I am almost 26 weeks pregnant with a little girl and although he loves her to bits already and talks to my bump, he makes no effort to reach over and try to feel her kicking because he "probably won't be able to feel it anyway" his words, not mine. And he doesn't seem at all interested in the birth, says he's only going to be there because he has to be, he's not even sure if he wants to. I said I quite liked the idea of a water birth and he looked at me in absolute horror and said "well i'm definately not going to be there then" i'm trying not feel too disheartened by this but I don't know what I can do. I wont have anyone else. My sister will be living with her fiance and 2 kids in stafford in army barracks in June and my mum will be in America. There isn't anyone else I can turn to for support and I just need to talk to somebody for some advice. Please help me

OP posts:

happycamel · 25/02/2011 21:37

I think maybe give him some time. Book on to a course if it helps you and then just see if he wants to join you. Curiosity might get the better of him! It will certainly help you to be well informed, confident in what's happening and why and what your options are.

26 weeks means you've got a way to go yet. It might all seem a bit more real to him when you're bumps bigger and he doesn't feel like it's all really distant. I'm 34 weeks now and it's only just beginning to dawn on me the implications of all this

Scaredycat3000 · 25/02/2011 21:48

Another one with a similar DP. Told me water births where pointless, not really interested as he 'knew it all' due to his Mam being a Midwife, so he's a Midwife by proxy . When I went into labour and they started running the pool he just got on with it. He doesn't like fuss, but did what I needed when I needed. He loves his DS to pieces.

SunshineisSorry · 25/02/2011 21:53

My DD kicked DP once when i was pregnant, i was laying next to him and she kicked, he fair near jumped out of the window, never mind out of the bed!!! It totally freaked him out DD kicking, he used to force himself to feel but never really wanted to. Always said he would be at the birth but i could tell that he would have been very relieved if i said i didn't want him there. Well, at the birth he was a star and says it is the best thing he has ever done.

jenga079 · 25/02/2011 22:51

Has he been to the scans with you? My DP had been 'pleased' all along, but only got 'excited' after seeing the 12 week scan ("That's the most amazing thing I've ever seen. There's a baby inside you". Um, yes!) He also loved hearing the heart beat, so it might be worth bullying him into going to one of your midwife appointments with you.

I've also bought 'The Rough Guide to Pregnancy', which he has been reading too and recently borrowed a 'Bloke's Guide' (sorry, can't remember the name of it) from the library. He loves it. It means he can look up the stuff he's interested in. If your DP is more into techy stuff than books, you can get a BabyCentre app that gives you little bits of information each day. We love it!

DP also refuses to watch OBEM so don't worry too much about that

buttonmoon78 · 25/02/2011 23:41

Well, that's my squeamish theory out of the window!

Cyclebump · 26/02/2011 08:01

Having seen all the comments I do wonder whether this is a fairly common thing. I've canvassed a few friends with kids and actually a lot of the men didn't get 'excited' until late on or even until the birth itself.

TBH, I wasn't that surprised by my DP's reaction. His mum said his dad was the same and only attended DP's birth because he was frogmarched in by a midwife who didn't know he was planning to leave until it was over. Men being so involved is a fairly recent social phenomenon, I have my doubts over a few friends' accounts of just how involved their other halves were.

Personally, now I'm near the end I so appreciate DP's practical support and his little triumphs like running me a bath when I've got backache that I don't mind that he was weird early on. He'll be a good dad, that's what counts I reckon.

GiddyPickle · 26/02/2011 16:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Melly19MummyToBe · 26/02/2011 18:39

I got him a 'blokes guide' book jenga, 'The Blokes 100 Top Tips To Surviving Pregnancy' he's not a big reader really so I wanted to get him something that he could read in bitesize chunks. He read it once, and hasn't looked at it since! And yes, he's been to all the scans, but not the general ante-natal appointments. He normally works out of town so it's awkward to get him into town to come with me, they only take about 15 minutes really and he could be working 40 miles away! Depends where all the potholes are really :o

And GiddyPickle, didn't you see my post at the top of this page? He's definately not squeamish!

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xshakirax · 26/02/2011 18:42

I'm really envious of you. I wish my BF was half as supportive as yours seems to be. I havnt seen my BF for about 6 weeks now, he missed my first scan and isnt supporting me in any way, shape or form. He's pakistani and I'm white, his family dont approve of me at all, all he cares about is keeping his relatives happy no matter how badly it affects me or us as a couple. We lost a baby just over a year ago and he knows how scared I am at the mo and how much I need him here. I found out recently hes buggered of to Bolton with his entire family to live there for a while, Im alone with 2 other kids from a previous relationship n im terrified.

paternal · 26/02/2011 19:58

@ xshakirax the bloody bastard! I'm a man and I appologise on his behalf! I get so angry when women generalise about men, as I really do try to be a good man, but not even I can defend his actions.

If he is that willing to abandon you while pregnant with his child, I think you need to seriously, reassess your relationship with him.

jenga079 · 26/02/2011 20:15

xshakirax, I also really feel for you and hope you get everything sorted. For what it's worth, one of my friends was in an similar situation about 6 years ago. Her partner's family just wouldn't accept her as she was Christian and he was Muslim. In fact, they tried to arrange a marriage for him to 'get him away from that woman'. They barely saw each other throughout her pregnancy as his family made it so difficult and he was torn between his partner and unborn child and his family and faith.

Incredibly, when baby arrived everything sorted itself out. He fell in love with his daughter, the family loved their grandchild and the pair are now married with three beautiful children. I really hope it will work out so well for you.

maxpower · 26/02/2011 20:25

Not read all the posts but to be fair to your DP, he's probably terrified of what will happen when you're giving birth and he might be in denial about that bit. I had DC2 in Dec and I wouldn't have been able to watch OBEM if I'd still been expecting DC2 as I'd have been terrified - and I'd already done it once My DH is a fab dad and was totally excited about us having a baby (both times) but I don't think he once touched my bump without me picking his hand up and putting it on there. It sounds like your DP is excited about it, evidenced by the DIY he's already done to get ready. I'm sure he'll come good.

Original poster

Melly19MummyToBe · 27/02/2011 18:06

Oh he is definately excited, he's just finished painting the nursery, looks fabolous, its cream and yellow, bottom half of the room is yellow, and the top is cream, they meet with a wiggly line and we're putting jungle stickers on when its all ready :) will put pictures up when its all finished!

He felt a kick for the first time the other night and I said "oooh did you feel that?" and he goes "yeah was that her?" I was just like "erm no it was someone else, obviously

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paternal · 27/02/2011 18:17

Guys normally come around / good in the end. We just have a very short attention span. We need something physical, something tangible to hold our intrest. Unfortunatly until the birth to a man it's all just hypothetical.

youngblowfish · 27/02/2011 18:45

I know it is hard, but try to be patient with him. He actually does not sound unsupportive at all, he is probably just getting used to the idea at his own pace. Growing a baby is something only women go through and a lot of that experience is actually hard to explain to someone who will never go through it themselves. When I was your gestation, for example, I discovered I was not longer able to jog - I had to walk everywhere instead of running, as running would leave me in agony for days, because of my pelvic muscles stretching. Now, for DH no such thing will ever occur to remind him that we are having a baby - it is his child just as much as mine, but the pregnancy is mine alone, IYSWIM. He can still run out of the door without giving a second thought to his pelvic muscles .

As for squeamishness, it is entirely different to kill, skin or gut animals you are going to eat and watch your partner go through pregnancy and childbirth. DH's cousin used to work in an abattoir as a student, but promptly fainted as soon as a surgeon cut into his wife's belly during a planned C-section. When it is your partner having a baby, there are lots of emotions involved and some of them may be actually quite hard to articulate.

I know it is easier said than done, but if you relax and give him plenty of space, he will process the pregnancy/childbirth in his own way and you won't feel as though you have to nag him to make him interested. I'm sure you will both make great parents, enjoy the adventure!

Original poster

Melly19MummyToBe · 27/02/2011 19:09

It's almost as if he's been reading this thread, since I posted it he's started involving himself more, not massively, im still plucking up the courage to talk birth plans with him. But he went to tesco the other day and came back with 3 baby outfits out of the 3 for 2 bit, completely forgot the bread and cereal that he went for mind :o and not half an hour ago he's just agreed to the name Poppy :o aslong as its double-barrelled so Poppy-? Im thinking maybe Poppy-Louise? I think now the nursery actually looks like a childs room he's starting to realise it's not just a dream and that we are actually having a baby in a few months!

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buttonmoon78 · 28/02/2011 12:41

Sounds like things are looking up for you Melly!

I'd stick with something simple to go with Poppy. Two 2 syllable names might be a bit much. Something like Poppy-May might be simpler. Mind you, if you're likely to simply call her Poppy for short then it won't matter, it'll be just for form filling etc!

I like Poppy though, it's cute. DD1 wants me to call this one Poppy though we don't know yet if it's a girl!

Cyclebump · 28/02/2011 14:17

I think Poppy's lovely.

Glad to hear he's on the up. DP was all over my bump this weekend. Baby's big now and you can see him moving around, DP says he likes to feel it because it reminds him why he's working so hard.

Bless.

Original poster

Melly19MummyToBe · 28/02/2011 15:08

Same here cyclebump I was sat watching my bump jumping up and down last night lol it was really funny! DP is definately getting more attentive, everytime he texts me while hes at work its always something along the lines of "how are you both today? blah blah blah TB love you both lots xxxx" :o

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PipPipPip · 28/02/2011 15:17

I'm so pleased that your man is slowly getting his head around things, Melly19MummyToBe!

I think men just take a bit longer than us ladies :)

Original poster

Melly19MummyToBe · 28/02/2011 15:39

The only things I need him to understand now are, 1- it's my birth and I will damn well have the sort of birth I bloody well want! and 2- I get extremely tired out easily now and don't have the energy I used to. And that I find it difficult bending down, getting comfy in bed and that when I put the wheely bin halfway through the garage it's damn awkward because I can't squeeze past the big pile of logs and firewood thats there anymore! I also find it hard to hoover up because our hoover is heavy and it damn near kills my back just to do the front room and dining room let alone kitchen, hall and bathroom! Sorry I think I got a bit carried away there lol

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Cyclebump · 28/02/2011 15:54

One step at a time Melly!

My DP's only just taken an interest in the birth and that's because it's fairly imminent. He may have had his views but now he 'just wants us to be safe' and is content to go with what I and the doctor decide.

Original poster

Melly19MummyToBe · 28/02/2011 18:54

I know I know. I'm trying to be patient and let him decide when he wants to understands things. But i'm far too impatient for my own good!

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xshakirax · 28/02/2011 22:30

Poppy is a gorgeous name, glad your feeling better about things. Thanks to 'Paternal' and 'jenga079' for your word's of support.

Rev084 · 01/03/2011 00:20

Men don't really mature until after the child is born, being a parent really makes you both grow up so so much. My OH was 32 when our DD came, I was in a fairly critical state of having severe preeclampsia and ended up having an emcs at 34weeks. You would think this would demand even the most useless man to dig deep down and come up with a decent bit of support for his OH. But tbh, he kept falling asleep and was more concerned with renewing his car insurance. Thankfully the midwives were great, I had at least one sat by my bed all night and all day.

Now we're on number 2, I couldn't care less if my OH is there at the birth or not. If he is, it'll be to satisfy himself, not to support me. He's a great dad, just don't think he's good at the whole emotional support thing.

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