Deeply unmaternal and terrified

[unmaternal]

I have recently discovered that I am pregnant. I wasn?t particularly trying to get pregnant, but I wasn?t exactly not trying either. I have never had the desire to have children, but my partner does, and he is very indecisive so, as I am now 35, I just thought we should stop using contraception and see what would happen. Stupidly, I didn?t think I would actually get pregnant, but here I am.
I now find myself completely horrified and repulsed anytime I think of actually having a child. I am hoping that somewhere down the line that some sort of miraculous maternal instinct will kick in and I will begin to relish the thought of having a child, but, until then I don?t know what to do other than pretend that none of this is happening as it seems to be the only way that I can function on a daily basis without falling to pieces.
I have never been, in any way, maternal and really have no interest in infants ? I generally like kids (depends on the child) once they reach beyond about 3, but am always more than happy once they are gone away.
Has anyone else ever experienced this ? and does that maternal instinct just kick in somewhere down the line?I?m terrified.

Sometimes unmaternal mums make the best mums. Mine had me quite late, mostly preferred cats and has no interest in other peoples' kids (though she quite likes birth stories, mostly - i suspect- due to some sense of schadenfreude) but she was the absolute best mum in the world - still is, in fact, when she's not driving me nuts.

I wish you well in your pregnancy and hope things settle for you very soon
x

Thank you all so much - still not feeling in any way maternal, but you have all made me feel so much better.....I really thought I was raising some kind of taboo subject, but it's very comforting to know that I am not alone and that I am not some kind of evil anomaly.

We have much in common. I have sent you an email!

Glad you came back, unmaternal, and all of us harridans didn't scare you off . LOL at 'evil anomaly' - there's MN NN, it ever I saw one .

I loved Bucharest's story btw.

And I still struggle to explain even to myself, why and how I knew I wanted children - not out of broodiness or doing 'The Done Thing'... . Dunno.

The whole motherhood things gets mis-sold IMO (don't get me started on the 'BFing is beautiful' Myth either) and often it is women who have v rosetinted expectations of what it is going to be like to have their own baby who are struggling the most with the reality of it all.
Much as nothing can prepare you for what it is like to be a mother, I do wish I had discovered MN before I had DS1, so you have that in your favour.

You OTOH might find that having dreaded it the reality is actually not that bad. And it does pass... eventually .

You'll go far on MN!!

ooh sorry it's vin not the OP

but I like this name, I was trying to think of another!

Seriously though, unmaternal, I think you cannot judge now how you will feel when you have your baby with you. I am no maternal as such, well, at all, but when DC1 was about 4 weeks old and I didn't feel I'd 'bonded' or all of that rubbish.. I was co-sleeping.. and I woke up and she was there, and it was like a bolt of love and maternal instinct hit me from nowhere.

I think you will just need to be honest with yourself and whatever happens, you will love your baby. I work a lot, for example, because I'm not really into the baby massage/yoga/blabla sessions, but P is a SAHD. We are not all maternal, but it won't stop you from being a great mum.

A thief is in our midst !!

is that sufficiently evil?

This is such a comforting thread to read! These are the sorts of things you really don't feel comfortable telling your friends - definitely not the ones who have kids.

Am 8 weeks gone and although I am not strictly unmaternal I have no real interest in other people's kids and whenever a friend has told me they are pregnant I have been more pissed off than anything! There shrinks the social circle. My best friend had a baby last year and she doesn't really have time to see me anymore. I understand - she lives in another town, she works full time..but it doesn't stop it from leaving a gap in my life. I guess I was thinking along 'if you can't beat them join them' lines. Plus am 36, I always saw my future with kids but as time went on that future stayed somewhere distant and at my age I knew I couldn't afford to do that much longer.

I actually feel sorry when I see women with buggies pushing them around the street. I think - they must be bored shitless! I also look at family units on weekends and think - gosh how boring, they have probably been up since 6am wondering what the hell to do, when myself and DH have been out to a nice pub with friends, had a long lie in, read the papers...

I am also SO worried about my career. I am self-employed so it's something I can't neglect. I love my job and don't want to lose it!!

Right now I feel so isolated - not being able to properly confide in my friends and hey, most of them are too busy to notice I am really miserable. I can't even do the things I would usually do to cheer myself up - bottle of wine and a good chat with a friend.. Even clothes shopping is pointless!

I wish I could go out for a drink (soft drink of course) with all of you girls who feel the same!

Hey, I am sure we will all wake up one day this time next year and love our new status as mothers. But until recently even thinking of myself with the word 'mum' in it has made me feel a bit weird. Old, boring, weird...Despite all the above though, I am still really hoping this pregnancy goes ok and I have the baby. Strange - must be some long-forgotten instinct.

freelancegirl, pregnancy is rotten and has no upsides that I can see, except that you get your baby at the end of it. Are you sure you can't be honest with any of your RL friends? I have a dear friend who I didn't moan to while I was pregnant, because it would have been spectacularly tactless since she really wants children and has a partner who won't commit, but I was fairly honest with a couple of people who have kids already and the sky didn't fall in.

On the career thing, I can't stress enough how important it is to sort out with your DH now how you're both going to manage childcare and work: a lot of men assume that the childcare isn't really their problem, so you need to get your expectations clear before the baby actually arrives (especially if you're self-employed and don't have the breathing space that maternity leave gives you).

Oh, silly point but it got my hackles up: I'm not a "girl", ever. I'm a middle-aged woman with a responsible job and a family. I don't think I'm the only person on here who goes "grr" when addressed as "girls"!

Petsville Thanks for the reply. Some people do seem to love being pregnant though don't they? I am hoping I will turn into one of those once I am out in the open. I WILL be telling my best friend tonight when I meet her for dinner. I guess it is more isolating for me as I work from home and most of my friends are in different towns so I don't get to see them very often. Hence the desire to meet new local people by going to NCT classes or similar later on.

I will definitely take your advice about talking about childcare with DH early on. VERY good point.

Sorry if I got your hackles up about the 'girls' thing. I much prefer to be a girl, but then until now I have had no responsibility in terms of family etc, separate mortgages to my new husband and a job that involves more frivolity than responsibility. I guess I could stop using it but I would have to change my moniker. And my Nan who is 96 and mum who is 67 still act and feel like girls! So maybe it is a family thing. Note to keep it to myself just in case it pisses anyone else off...

freelancegirl I totally hear you, I can't imagine being anybody's "mum" or ever being responsible enough to look after a little person. I feel way too selfish to have a child, and even now at this early stage I resent my body not being my own, my social life deteriorating, kissing goodbye to holidays for a few years, and - like you - mostly my career suffering.

I can't even organise childcare because things are very uncertain at my work, and people all around me are being made redundant. I don't know if I'll even still have a job by the time the baby comes so it could be a moot point. If I'm laid off BECAUSE of the baby what if I resent it even more? My career has always meant everything to me.

My best friends are almost exclusively male, and I predict that they'll slowly drift away when they realise that they'll have less in common with me once I have a baby.

So worst case scenario is that I'll end up jobless, friendless, penniless and depressed! On the plus side having a child could be a good way to meet GIRLS my own age and I possibly won't give 2 hoots about work when a child comes along - who knows how you'll feel given a totally new set of circumstances? I've also always felt there was a child somewhere there in the future, but I never had a clear plan as to how or when it was going to come about. It has now, and I'm sort of dealing with it (and sort of not dealing with it very well).

And at 33 I'm definitely still a girl too

Good luck (and I'm intrigued as to what your frivolous job is!) xx

katiewatie you have made me feel so much better! I don't mean that your situation is so dire that it made mine look better...I mean because someone feels exactly the same way. Actually the good thing about this thread is that almost everyone else does seem to feel the same way. I am with you on the childcare too - my family live in another country and from what I hear about the costs I will be far too skint to be able to afford it. A lot of my friends are male too but thankfully my best make friend accidentally got someone pregnant last year and has now found himself a new father plus surrogate father to a toddler. Shallow as this sounds I am actually pleased for all the wrong reasons, as I always imagined he would still be down the pub without me if it happened the other way around :)

I too hear you about life having changed already. Normally if I am stressed about something a really good night out would solve it. Not quite the same when nursing cranberry juice telling people I can't drink due to cystitis and wanting to curl up in bed before 10pm most nights.

On the plus side - if you get laid off from work in any way you can directly relate to the baby - sue the bastards! And yes, maybe we will feel totally different about our work when we actually have a child. We need to channel all the non-mumsy, career focussed girls (there it is again!) we know either in real life or otherwise and hopefully we can both become yummy mummies (oh dear!) with fabulous jobs, great friends and a nice warm feeling about our babies and meet lots of new friends, like-minded people that might be in the same boat. Here's to the future :)

Oh, freelance travel writer based in London. Great perks, crap money...Age 36, always hoping to be a girl.

OK ladies/girls/chaps etc....

You will have many books recommended to you, but having read your posts I would say this is essential reading. For your OH's too. Nothing else comes close in helping you prepare emotionally for motherhood - and believe me, it really helps to get some insights before the baby arrives to mitigate the shock.

Secondly, speaking as a former committed career woman and newish mother of 1DD (and newly pg with DC2) I would say it's really worth cultivating some positive thinking about your situation. Yes it's totally okay to have doubts and fears about the way you feel now and how your future will pan out. And if you need to vent, MN is a great place to do it.
But trust me, making an effort to be positive will actually help you feel better and will likely as not result in better outcomes all round.
(Having been a bit of an anxious/pessimistic thinker in the past, I've recently become a convert to the power of positive thought and have already seen some great results in a very short time.)

Yes, aspects of your former life will be gone forever. And yes, aspects of baby/childcare can be stressful and tedious.
But there are so many wonderful things that take you by surprise and make you realise what an incredible journey you're on, you will be a net gainer in the end. Honest.

HTH

Which book InmaculadaConcepcion? Which by the way is the name of the church I got married in in Spain last year. Am I just having a case of baby brain and can't see the book or did you mean this post is essential reading.

The only book I have got so far is Pregnancy Fitness as I really want to try to keep up my fitness levels if I can. I know weight gain isn't something we should worry about but I have been a low-carb fitness bunny for a couple of years and now eating everything and anything have put on 5lbs already. AM going to carry on eating well but still want to go to the gym if I can.

Anyway, how's everyone feeling today? I feeling a lot more positive this morning. Thanks too for the positive post Inmaculada.

I went out with my best friend last night and told her - felt SO good to have someone to talk to. She has a one year old and works full time. Had a glass of wine and a pizza!!! Feeling a bit bad about the wine but it's my first glass and it made me feel like a normal person again. 8 weeks today so a bit worried as this feels like an important week. But no scan until March 21st.

Well, of course my post is essential reading...!

The "this" in my post is a hotlink which takes you to the relevant tome on Amazon when you click on it...
...but to save time, the book is:
What Mothers Do (Especially When It Looks Like Nothing) by Naomi Stadlen

For more on pg/baby/parenting books, I blathered on about them a bit in my blog here (another hotlink, btw)

I currently live in Spain and joined MN when I was expecting DD, hence the NN!

I'm glad you're feeling more positive today, freelancegirl You'll still be a normal person when you have a baby, but the normal will be very different

unmaternal I was a bit like you, my friends definitely thought I was going to be a crap mother (they told me so ).
I love DD1 and DD2 too I am not that bad TBH.
I agree with IC you will be normal perhaps a bit different, certainly challenged. You might not have the love at 1st sight that a lot of people are talking about but in the end everything falls into place. They are/will be YOUR kids, it doesn't matter if you still don't like everybody else's kids.

I felt the same all the way through my first pregnancy and even asked my husband to make sure that "it" was bathed before it came near me after my casarean - however on the day of the birth the most amazing thing happened and I fell madly in love with my little girl from the second she arrived. I still dont enjoy children as such as its not my natural gift to be relaxed with kiddies but I absolutely adore my own and feel so much love for them now that I am expecting number three.
Pregnancy does weird things to your emotions and I think you are just feeling scared which is not a surprise. To be honest it is hard being pregnant but from my experience the benefits of having your own child are 100% better than the problems. I really hope that you feel good about this soon

Another one here with no maternal instinct. Decided to ttc because I knew that DH wanted kids, and I was worried that I might regret it later if I didn't have any DC. Then struggled to conceive, which was frustrating, and it was a relief to finally become (and stay) pregnant. Then it struck me that actually, that was all I'd wanted - to know that I could become pregnant. The thought of 'having a baby' at the end of the process horrified me!
And yet you know, it's ok, really it is. I do still sometimes look at my (2!) DC and wonder where on earth they came from, but they are fascinating little beings and I wouldn't be without them.
One thing though, don't be alarmed if you are not overwhelmed with a wave of love when your DC is born. I wasn't! - But it grew, quickly, and sometimes my heart aches for how much I love them (even if I still don't much like other people's DC - that doesn't matter, though!)

Just remembered - I used to say that I must have been off school the day they came round and handed out the maternal instinct......

Hi, I'm now 35 and always wanted children however I realised how very un maternal I am!!. I have said this many times and I looked at it very practically, I was host for a parasite that was literally sucking the life and fun out of me! Gave up life for both of my pregnancies and hated every single minute of it. Didn't mind the birth, hurt like hell but 24hrs compared to 9 months was a doddle. Breast feeding is not natural and not something I would go through again, they are fun bags and for sex not sucking on for milk!
I didn't melt with emotion after the first birth as I was too drugged up and felt relived after the second as I knew I would never have to be pregnant again!!
I struggled with my first when it came to dealing with her and thankfully to some degree she was independent even from a very young age. My son however is a pain in the back side and the complete opposite to his sister and some days...ooo some days I survive and thats it.
I have never liked babies (still dont!!), they poo and cry and generally sound like little terradactils!! My midwife was concerned, but as I looked after both well nothing could be said.

I feel more maternal now as my oldest is 3 and youngest is 16mths. I now work part time and can interact with them and regard them as little people rather than life suckers!!! I think as they get older I am finding a balance and to some degree how maternal I am is not relevant. It is finding a balance that makes happy children and happy parents and bringing the two together. I am getting there and happy with the knowledge that my husband has been snipped I never have to fear any of that again.

Saying all of the above though, having dealt with the last 3 yrs I wouldn't change a thing and deep done know that they are both my proudest achievements in my life x

"Breast feeding is not natural and not something I would go through again, they are fun bags and for sex not sucking on for milk!"

Interesting take on it, Bluemary. I think the opposite is true actually, (the sex part is a cultural construct and not even true of all cultures), but if that's the way you feel...!

I was not maternal before getting pregnant and had DD when I was 34 - we didn't try either just thought we would see what happened, and bingo, I was pregnant straight away.

To be honest, we gave it a go, as that was the next step in our lives, not out of a huge desire to have children. It was what we were "meant" to do really. So I was not hugely maternal during my pregnancy, and not hugely after as it is a tough change to your life - but if you don't feel it straight away - I am sure you will eventually. I had PND but even through that I grew to feel an incredible pull and love to my DD.
I thought that toddlers were more interesting than babies - but it is amazing how quickly their characters appear - you don't have to wait until they are 3 before they are a laugh a minute and can cheer you up from the foulest of moods.
I have suggested to a few friends who have felt the same to recognise this, and not feel guilty if you don't have the natural maternal urge to breastfeed or stay at home rather than return to work. Don't feel guilty if you don't naturally feel maternal - you will find your way. If you don't get there straight away you may find that your husband gets to be paternal in an instant - my DH certainly surprised me on that one. The second DD was born he was under her thumb and clung to her like a limpet!