Deeply unmaternal and terrified

[unmaternal]

I have recently discovered that I am pregnant. I wasn?t particularly trying to get pregnant, but I wasn?t exactly not trying either. I have never had the desire to have children, but my partner does, and he is very indecisive so, as I am now 35, I just thought we should stop using contraception and see what would happen. Stupidly, I didn?t think I would actually get pregnant, but here I am.
I now find myself completely horrified and repulsed anytime I think of actually having a child. I am hoping that somewhere down the line that some sort of miraculous maternal instinct will kick in and I will begin to relish the thought of having a child, but, until then I don?t know what to do other than pretend that none of this is happening as it seems to be the only way that I can function on a daily basis without falling to pieces.
I have never been, in any way, maternal and really have no interest in infants ? I generally like kids (depends on the child) once they reach beyond about 3, but am always more than happy once they are gone away.
Has anyone else ever experienced this ? and does that maternal instinct just kick in somewhere down the line?I?m terrified.

[Bluemary3000]

@InmaculadaConcepcion - def the way I felt and still do. I seriously struggled with the whole giving myself, mind and body to my child before and after they were born. Having said that though once I removed the guilt and felt comfortable with how I felt. My relationship with both kids seem to improve.
Having gone to an NCT group before my first I now have 7 good friends all with kids the same age as mine and interestingly enough a majority felt the same way as me, thank god I say as otherwise I would have gone mad x

[InmaculadaConcepcion]

'Tis definitely horses for courses, Bluemary!

[Bluemary3000]

yessireeee!!

[SnapFrakkleAndPop]

I have to say that as the child of an unmaternal mother (she does not in any way, shape or form do babies) I was fine, survived and don't remember her not being particularly disinterested because presumably my memories date from after I could talk and by then it was okay.

Just don't tell your DCs until they're going to have DCs themselves how you didn't like the baby stage! It's only now I'm expecting I appreciate her distaste for that particular part of the process. And even if you didn't fall in love with them immediately, just lie!

I consider myself relatively maternal and child-loving, possibly more than average, but I've read this thread and nodded at lots of it too so I don't think one can quantify maternal feelings by whether you like other people's children. It's different with your own, for better and for worse!

[prettydaffodil]

What a joy it is to see there are others like me and I'm not the only fruitcake that was cast into misery by being pregnant!

When I was first pregnant, I was really freaked out by it and cried when I got the BFP, then had a miscarriage and seeing how sad I was about that made me realise that I did really want this. Same happened second time around and I started to realise that I really did want a baby quite badly.

But then I got pregnant the third time, and thankfully had no miscarriage. I was lucky to have a very healthy pregnancy with no real issues but I hated every minute of it. I really felt like I didn't want to have a baby and I was terrified of the whole "birth" thing. At about 35 weeks, I rang my mother in floods and said I really didn't want the baby and what could I do to stop it coming. Then, good little girl, our DD arrived a couple of weeks early and I'd built birth up to be such a terrible event that when it happened, it was so much less gruesome than I ever expected.

My initial feeling post birth, wasn't being smitten with love but rather full of relief at no longer being pregnant. I thought our DD was quite sweet and had quite a proud feeling of her being part of us but still a sticky yucky baby but over the coming days weeks and months it grew to such a heart-torn-out-of-your-chest-strength kind of a love that it almost hurt.

Then I got pregnant with DS, and, although this time I didn't want to get rid of him during pregnancy as I then knew that birth wasn't that petrifying, I still didn't enjoy one minute of pregnancy. Likewise, when he was born, I felt proud of him for being ours but otherwise it was exactly the same kind of exponential growth of love that happened.

Truly, my life has changed beyond compare, and this was one of my greatest fears as I loved my life and had no desire to change it, but although I miss out on some things my life used to revolve around, if it weren't for my hatred of pregnancy and our lack of funds, I'd go on to have plenty more babies.

Good luck with it all, don't expect a thunderbolt of love but equally don't worry about it happening or not, it will. Most mothers become great ones, just in their own way but to their child, that's exactly what suits them.

[HaveABrew]

First post. I didn't really want children and wasn't really interested in other peoples children, but my DH did want them so we agreed to try. I was fine with being pregnant but when my DS was born I waited for the maternal bond that everyone talked about to kick in - and waited. This small baby just seemed like hard work and I felt really lost. I kept wondering what was wrong with me.

However, rather than a rush of maternal bonding, after a few months I slowly fell completely in love with this little person and it gets better everyday (he is 3 now and a brilliant little dude!).

The exact same thing happened with my second. Whether it was hormones or what, I don't know. I just think I don't deal well with small babies.

I hope all works out well for you.

[CalamityKate]

Easy for me to say but...

you'll be fine. Honest.

I am not naturally maternal. I find other people's children mildly irritating at best. Babies leave me cold. Show me a kitten or puppy and I turn to goo, but babies..... ugh.

I still find other people's children annoying at best and I still find babies mostly repulsive. Actually, both MY babies were without doubt the ugliest humans ever born, to start with. But when they're yours you forgive them that.

I love my children like nothing I've ever felt before, and I would crawl over broken glass to protect them, but I still wouldn't call myself particularly maternal.

I had all the same worries you outline in your OP, but it turned out fine and you will too

[Ragwort]

Difficult - I can't tell you that you will ever get that real 'maternal' feeling because I haven't (DS now 10) - my DH really wanted us to have a child and I allowed myself to be persuaded. Actually I do like babies and children, just never wanted my own.

I look at mothers who are utterly devoted to their children and love their 'role' as a mother and I just don't feel that; I don't agree that having a child is the best thing that ever happened to me - I just hope that I am a 'good enough' mum, and fortunately DH is a fabulous dad but it doesn't come easy to everyone. I met a friend yesterday who said how much she is looking forward to being a grandmother - I hadn't even given that a thought .

[mumofprincess]

since you did not consider that bringing a new life into the world and be responsible of her for at least 18 years is not an issue of trying/not trying, I hope this helps:
I am a new mom and wanted children(many) all my life.I tried any treatement and any surgery possible to maintain a pregnancy(4 m/c's).gradually I started to develop a child phobia -couldnt stand other peoples/family children and hated anyone pretending to be an alpha-mummy-and believe me there are a lot out there.When the miracle happened and I had my dd,I got PND.I know it was weird because I had done everything for this child and noone could understand me.I felt usuitable to be a mother(some events on first week led me to that) and had to fight the obsessive "no epidural/how lovely are the birth sensations /breastfeeding only" british culture-as I am not british.BTW YES ITS PAINFULL AND I DID LOVE THE EPIDURAL!
It took me at least 6 weeks after birth to start feel maternal and suitable for a mother.all that time my husband mostly took care of her.Now I wouldnt change my dd for the world and as she is starting to be responsive to what I do its much more easier and clear to satisfy her needs.still,I try not to lose touch with my needs and my husband,while i understand that sometimes I may not be the picture of the perfect mum society imposes on us.However the point is to have a happy mum a happy dad and a happy child.
Therefore,believe me when you see the first smile you wont even remember you went through these doupts.

[kangers]

be careful what you wish for. I felt like you with my first pregnancy, then had a miscarriage at 11 weeks.
That cured my lack of maternal feelings.
Certainly not suggesting this as a solution, but simply saying- you are lucky- consider what happened to me- cup half full?
BTW I have 3 healthy dc now.

[nooka]

I think that the thing to bear in mind when starting a family is that they aren't babies for very long (hurray!) and that there is plenty of time to be a great parent even if you don't like babies very much. When my two were tiny we had a nanny. She loved babies so that worked just fine. I have found that I have enjoyed being a parent more and more as time goes by (my two are 11 and 10). I'm not sure it's a good idea to expect great maternal feelings to kick in because if they don't you may be a bit thrown. Knowing how you are likely to feel makes it easier to plan I think.

Oh and my mother was very maternal, but a very difficult mother to have as an older child/teen. I'm rather hoping I'm the other way around. I know I had a very happy early childhood, but I can't actually remember very much of it.

[TryingVeryHard]

Hi OP, glad this thread is helping

I wish I was on MN when I was pregnant, it would have helped me I'm sure!

My situation was a bit the opposite of yours - always wanted DC but when I got pregnant I felt sick and didn't enjoy any of it, all made worse by the social pressure "oh how wonderful you must be over the moon" - NO I'M BLOODY NOT! (but couldn't tell anyone)

Then when DS finally arrived after a horrid birth, I was (feeling) half dead, really struggled to BF and felt like a total failure for the first year! (not sure if it was PND... maybe a very mild case)

So here I was, always thinking I'd be a good mum like my own mum was, and totally failing myself and everyone around me!

Luckily the bond with DS was there, probably because I felt really sorry for the little bugger, with his forceps marks and sleepy face :) . He's a wonderful little toddler now and I love him so much and can't wait to have another one!

What I'm trying to say is that you never know how you're going to feel until you meet your baby, so don't worry to much about it.

Try to think positive, hope it all goes well for you x

[PianoClare]

It's my first time posting on Mumsnet. I hope I don't sound preachy - what I'm saying is the advice I keep giving to myself, and trying to follow with varying degrees of success with my two little daughters (a 2 year old and a 10 month old).

As many people are saying, it is highly likely that loving feelings towards your son or daughter will make an appearance sooner or later, whether dramatically or by stealth.

I think, though, that it may help to consider that loving your child is entirely distinct from having loving feelings towards them. I would say that love is a commitment, a choice, an ongoing decision you make to try to do your best for them. Sometimes, beautiful loving and protective feelings will be there and will make it easy, but other times, you can feel indifferent or frankly negative. My experience is that I can have the whole spectrum of feelings in a single day...or even a single hour!

The biggest challenge I have found as a mother is to try to learn how to take care of my children well and with warmth and consistency regardless of how I'm feeling. Sometimes, I do it badly, sometimes I do it well, but I am learning not to take my feelings too seriously, and recognizing that, whatever they are, they do come and go.

Through making a commitment to do your best, one day at a time, and, as Petsville and BlameItOnTheBogey said, starting off by learning how to look after the little one in a practical way once they're born, you would be making a really good start to the relationship.

I'm sorry things are so difficult now for you - perhaps you are having the really hard time now, and you will find things unexpectedly easier later, whereas some people can have a rose-tinted pregnancy, then have a crisis once they start experiencing new negative feelings later on.

Wishing you all the very best.

[PacificDogwood]

Just returned to this thread -

Do ya ever wonder whether we sometimes overthink things ??

[AliMonkey]

When we got married, we didn't think we wanted kids but knew we might change our minds. I liked older children (3+), but not babies or toddlers. Two years down the line, DH said he wanted kids, but it took me 6 months before I came round to the idea. We got pg on first time of trying, at which point I thought "what have we done?". It was only when I miscarried 11 weeks later that I realised that actually I did want a child. Got pg immediately again, and ended up having a C-section. The feeling of "I want to care for this baby" came immediately, but not what I would describe as love, which crept up on me over a few weeks (whereas DH immediately fell in love with DD - despite having wanted a boy!). But during those first few weeks of little sleep, I never once felt like I didn't want to take care of this baby. The older she gets (she's now 6), the more I "feel" the unconditional love (even when I'm shouting at her).

When DS arrived two years later (not by C-section, conceived first time of trying again!), I did feel an initial rush of love, but DH didn't and in fact still, 3 years later, he loves DD much more - which seems to make me love DS an extra bit to make up for it.

I will very happily cuddle other people's babies to give them a break - and enjoy talking to their toddlers - but still have no wish to coo over other people's children.

I took 6 months maternity leave for each child and work 3dpw - despite not needing to do it for financial reasons, but because I enjoy my work much of the time and cannot see me ever wanting to be a full-time mum. But I enjoy (most of) the time I do have with them. And nothing beats them wanting to cuddle you, and I'll never forget the first time DS told me he loved me, and it still makes me gooey inside when he says it.

In summary, I'll be surprised if you don't love your kids sooner or later, even if not immediately, and even if you don't feel that love, you will almost certainly (unless suffering from PND) want to care for them. But your life doesn't have to end when you have kids, you just adjust. You may want to spend most of your time with them, or you may want to balance your time more between them and "the old you". And don't beat yourself up if you don't feel it, and don't want to spend all your time with them.

[Earthdog]

The OP has said she is 'horrified and repulsed' yet no one on here has discussed terminating??? It's great that everyone is being positive about it, but some of us just don't want children and there is nothing wrong with that; better than risking an unwanted unloved child/PND/a ruined life?

[PacificDogwood]

The OP also wrote: "Has anyone else ever experienced this ? and does that maternal instinct just kick in somewhere down the line?"

I think most of us tried to answer the 'does the maternal instinct just kick in somewhere down the line' bit and, as it happens, for those who responded, it did.

I am sure there are people out there who opted for termination in similar circumstances, but they have not posted on this thread.

And no, there is nothing wrong with not wanting children, but hopefully contraception will achieve that aim for most women.
Just as not every unplanned pregnancy is unwanted, not every planned one is actually wanted - I know that v well. And the OP will have to decide what is right for her.

[LuluBlue]

I, too, am new to this site and cannnot tell you the relief I feel at finding this threadsince the OP's feelings echo so many of my own. I am 38 years old and 8 weeks pregnant and never, ever, ever, thought that I would be a mother. My husband has always been open to the idea of children, is quite wonderful around the house and would make the much better parent, there is no doubt. He helped raise his much younger brother and sister, and, remarkably, rather than act as a deterrent, it seems to have made him want children more. However, he has always been aware of my own nonmaternal feelings, honored them and never pressured me. But now I find myself pregnant (due to a highly irregular cycle) and am utterly and completely terrified. I feel I have practically TORTURED my husband with all of my fears, my misgivings and my distaste for the entire experience. It has been very hard on him, and hurtful, since he cannot truly seperate the fears and misgivings I have towards this growing fetus from the feelings I have for him. He feels, deep down, that if I truly loved him, I would love his child. He has also said to me that since we are "grown-ups" that he feels we should learn to deal accordingly, but again, says that it's my body and that I have the last say. I have told him that I don't think having a baby is an act of maturity (let's face it teen pregnancy rules that out), and that I felt the way I do at 16, 25, 32, and 38, and would probably continue to feel this way until the very day I died. So, suffice to say, my petrified response to this has already been very hard on our marriage, and my greatest fear, really, even greater than being a horrible mother to an innocent child, is that I would go on to lose my dh as well, simply because he would be so horrified by what a truly bad and unmaternal mother I turned out to be. He is so much more certain than I am that it is all going to work out, but I fear I would be one of those for whom there is never a "click" or rush of motherly love, and that I would simply be tolerating (and resenting) it. That is our biggest difference: my husband views parenthood as something to enjoy, while I view it as something to be endured, even survived. Admittedly, it is hard for me to seperate my own fear of being a horrible mother (which is considerable) from the pressure to become the sort of uber-mommy that we have around here (in a liberal, metropolitan, northern part of the U.S.) where everything MUST be organic, green, and good for baby. Breast is best, of course, for two, three, four years even! And it seems that every one I know had not only a midwife but also a doula and equipped the nursery with all the right "learning" toys and in short, became so utterly, tiresomely sanctimonious about the whole damn thing that it just makes my skin crawl. Sometimes I think it is parenthood that I am afraid ofrather than the child itself. That I am more afraid of other parents! (And most of all, of becoming like them!) It is a tremendous relief to hear the words of women like you, who, despite the lack of maternal feelings can reassure one that love does come, will come, somehow, and that you find your own way. I have been going back and forth daily, hourly even, between utter depression and the certainty of termination, to finding these small glimmers of hope that make me think that maybe, maybe, I could pull through. This thread has given me more hope than anything I have read so far-- and believe me, as one of those "overthinkers," I have read a lot. Probably too much for my own good. Thanks in return for reading this.

[Janeyx]

I sympathise with your feelings- I fortunately didn't feel that myself but it is true that it is not about babies as that is so short term, it is about having a person with you that is part of you that grows up to be a person- they are the people with whom you will be at your most natural and at ease without even realising it.

[freelancegirl]

Lulublue I totally emphasise. It's parents I don't really like too. I mean, I love my friends who are parents, but when they get all 'parenty' they can be really irritating. I like being a girl (I was told off for using 'girl' on one post as someone objected to being called a girl - but I feel like a girl and so does my 96 year old Nan so I think I always will) who goes out to see bands, travels at the drop of a hat, who is happy down the pub with the boys and leaves the house on weekends with just a lipstick and a bank card in a pocket (and not the hulking great stuff you seem to have to carry when you become a parent).

I cringed at the sight of buggies, God don't buggy pushers seem to think they own the road? And when I go round to visit friends who have a baby I love the feeling I get when I walk out of there free and easy, with my tiny handbag, and on the way to meet mates or my new husband (I had difficulties getting used to the H word too at first...) for drinks somewhere.

Not so long ago when a friend was bringing her baby out to meet a group of us for the first time, when I did the appropriate saying hello to the baby her husband looked at me all gooey eyed and said 'Ahhh is it making you broody...?' I could have head butted the wall. He's a great friends of mine and his wife would've gone mad if anyone had said something like that to her! It's the irritating assumption that we all want to join in.

HOWEVER. It's been a week or more since I first discovered this post, so thankful that I could voice some of these feelings and, I don't know, something weird starts to be happening. I am 9 weeks pregnant, I am starting to (shock horror) almost feel a bit excited about the prospect of bringing a little human into this world. Very slowly parts of my (certainly not all) attitude is shifting.

I think one of the things about being mother (eeew!) is that the thought of it makes me feel so old! I am sorry, but people who are new parents seem to really age quite overnight. Lack of sleep I guess? BUT on the flip side the only certainty in this life is that unless we die, we WILL get old. Maybe, just maybe, I can still do the things I want to do and still be a reasonably cool chick even with a child...? My biggest fear is losing all my interest in music, socialising, looking good, fashion etc etc and just becoming a comfy-clothes wearing mother who lives through the kids! But although there are certainly lots of mums like that out there, I am hoping we can all count quite a few who are also pretty cool still too.

I guess I am tarting to feel a tad more positive and hoping the first trimester and scan go ok so I can just tell people and get on with the next stage of my life.

[LuluBlue]

Freelancegirl, thanks for your response. It was so funny and right-on and true. And yes, I guess that is what I hope for too-- that I will begin to come to terms with this pregnancy and even become excited enough to want to share the news. (Right now only about three people in the world know.) Trying to gear up to make the announcement to my friends (all of whom already have one or two children by now) is one of the hardest parts of all. I am just so afraid that I will never feel the enthusiasm I am meant to feel.

I made a rash response on another thread about calling to terminate. I did not have the nerve to go through with the call. I think reading some of the other threads did help me calm down a bit. Really, I am just so grateful to know that other woman have gone before me, just as confused and ambivalent as I am now, and that for the most part, things have worked out.

[Portofino]

I was never broody. I got PG by accident aged 35. The whole birth/baby thing was one hell of a shock to me. None of my friends had babies. I loved dd with a passion, yet was SO resentful of her in the early days. She turned my life upside down.

I think, apart from HAVING to go back to work, I always put her first. To this day, I barely buy anything for myself. But I was never ever SAHM who did playgroups/playdates/stuff with paint and egg boxes. I can't bear cbeebies. I am crap with lego and get frustrated with barbies.

She is bigger now (6). We talk loads. We play scrabble, go swimming, make omelettes, bake cakes at the weekend. I am still not especially maternal. Tonight when I put her to bed, we had a cuddle and she told me she loved me more than anything in the whole world (even daddy and the cat).

So I can be crap mum, and she still loves me the bestest. You will be fine!

[LuluBlue]

That is very heartening, Portofino. Scrabble and omelettes would be something to look forward to. The early baby stuff, not so much.

[Portofino]

Lulu, a new baby brings emotions and feelings you can't imagine yet. Love, panic, resentment, fear. It is overwhelming. But you get your life back again.

And kids do add something. You see things through their eyes. I do stuff and go places with dd that I would never dream of doing otherwise. You regain enjoyment of the simple things in life.

[AuroraLeigh]

I too am hugely relieved to have found this thread and see that there are other people like me out there! All my friends seem to be pregnant and going gooey about babies, and I'm still in shock at 8 weeks (despite miscarriage last year, I still can't be happy that I'm pregnant - even though it was intentional). I think maybe the sentimental cultural constructions of motherhood are too much for me - my mother was v maternal and that just doesn't appeal to me. Also, I love my job, and people say "Work won't matter when you see your new-born" and "You won't want to go back to work afterwards" - and I think, actually, if that's the case then I won't be me any more and it will have been a huge mistake. I love what I do and I think I'll be a better mum because of that. I think, though, the reason I agreed to have a child is that I had a happy childhood and remember how much fun it is to be a child...I want my baby to have that. Anyway. Reading all your comments has made me feel much better (although no less nauseous - the sooner that stage is over the better...)
So thank you all for sharing your stories x