Deeply unmaternal and terrified

[unmaternal]

I have recently discovered that I am pregnant. I wasn?t particularly trying to get pregnant, but I wasn?t exactly not trying either. I have never had the desire to have children, but my partner does, and he is very indecisive so, as I am now 35, I just thought we should stop using contraception and see what would happen. Stupidly, I didn?t think I would actually get pregnant, but here I am.
I now find myself completely horrified and repulsed anytime I think of actually having a child. I am hoping that somewhere down the line that some sort of miraculous maternal instinct will kick in and I will begin to relish the thought of having a child, but, until then I don?t know what to do other than pretend that none of this is happening as it seems to be the only way that I can function on a daily basis without falling to pieces.
I have never been, in any way, maternal and really have no interest in infants ? I generally like kids (depends on the child) once they reach beyond about 3, but am always more than happy once they are gone away.
Has anyone else ever experienced this ? and does that maternal instinct just kick in somewhere down the line?I?m terrified.

[Baby2018]

@unmaternal I dont think you have to be "mumsy" to have a child. Im not very mumsy and I don't spend lots of time looking at babies thinking how wonderful and adorable they are, to be quite honest I think puppies are cuter!

I did find though when I had my first scan I went from feeling apprehensive to really happy, I think when you see your baby on screen you might feel differently

Remember you dont have to be a type of mum, you can still be you. I have no intention of changing as a person because I don't think you need to do that to have a baby, yes you're looking after a new little person but that doesn't mean you have to be a certain type of anything there aren't any rules to how you should be.

[mslucy]

I am now nearly 31 weeks pg with my third and feel very uneasy about it still. It was a total accident - conceived a few days after my 40th birthday and 2 weeks after a miscarriage. I struggled to conceive DS2 and assumed it had all gone tits up in that department. I think I am still in shock at the very fact of this pregnancy.

I have 2 lovely boys (who I adore) but despite being almost a mother of 3 (!) I still have a horror of being seen as "mumsy" or even just a "mum". I would do anything for my kids but the thought of being defined by them really freaks me out.

I had a pretty good career before having DS1 which I struggled on with for a bit. I have since retrained and am enjoying this too, even though I am a lot less well off financially. I get very cross when people ask me if I have "baby brain". Er no!!!

I never wanted children until I was about 32, when my biological clock went completely insane. Then I became a woman possessed.

I think I am very conflicted about the notion of motherhood - even after all these years - and totally understand why someone embarking on all this stuff might feel a bit weird.

[cowboylover]

"Pregnancy now feels like some sort of limbo between my old life and the unknown"

I cant believe how much something someone else has writen can sum up how I feel so much! I wanted to get pregnant but for some reason I didnt think it would happen so I just wanted to get it over with as I was convinced I would be finding out that it was never going to happen for us and I got pregnant in the first month off the pill. My fears about conception where totally irrational and I just feel in limbo with crazy thoughts of whats going to happen next!

I have 9 weeks to go and sometimes I am really looking forward to meeting our daughter. I have no interest in other babies or children most of the time but our daughter will be like us and thats whats important as I love my DH more than anything else and someone else around like him would make me very happy.

OP

[juneau]

I think if most women were honest about this issue - and many feel they really can't be with RL friends and family because they don't know how their doubts will be received - then we'd all feel a lot happier and more normal!

I've never been a maternal person. I never sought out friends with babies, thought 'there goes another one' when good friends announced that they were pg, had changed precisely two nappies in my life before DS was born, and had my own mother say to me when I announced my first pregnancy 'are you sure you want a baby?'.

In all honesty, I'm still ambiguous about having kids and I never try to persuade child-free friends that they should have them (and I'm currently 29 weeks pregnant with my second), but the simple fact is I ADORE my son. He's the best thing that's ever happened to me. That doesn't mean that I always love motherhood - it really is boring at times, frustrating, limiting, means you can't often do the things you want, travel where/when/how you want, have a lie in, read the papers, go out for dinner, take a nap on a Sunday afternoon - but like some other posters I take the long view i.e. I've always wanted to have older kids, adult kids, possibly grand kids - and all of that means going through pregnancy/the early years.

And to the OP - if you really feel like this is a bigger problem than just a mental adjustment there are people you can talk to - your GP or MW to start with - also counsellors, etc. Don't feel alone.

[freelancegirl]

LuluBlue KatieWatie and others, I wish we were sitting around a nice big wooden table sharing a bottle of wine and having this conversation! I feel like I have more in common with you right now than my own friends! Especially the ones waiting for me to join them. And even more especially those ones on facebook whose kids seem their whole life.

Fortyplus that link to the other thread really is interesting. I think that's what I worry about - that I might regret it. I have already touched on the fact that parenting, from the outside, looks boring, restrictive and a serious 24/7 job with no time to yourself. My husband (we were together ten years and got married last year and for months after the wedding I was even mourning not having my 'boyfriend' and not being his girlfriend' any more) have always had such fun together and spent so much time together (mainly travelling, impromptu nights out, pubs, restaurants, hours reading the papers etc etc) and I worry that will be taken away. Parents' focus always seem to be wholly turned towards the child and away from each other. Girls nights out are great but the freedom DH and I have had to do whatever we want has been lovely.

Pregnancy now feels like some sort of limbo between my old life and the unknown. Even now I am sitting here feeling a bit ropey (physically) whilst the boys have gone down the pub and I am here on a Friday night, sober, wearing a tracksuit (am constantly cold!) eating chocolate eclairs! A night in has always been a nice treat but it just seems like in the last few weeks I have forgotten what I used to enjoy!! I don't want to go down the pub, I don't want to linger over a long meal (when not sipping wine I get restless a lot more easily) and I really can't be bothered to do a lot at the moment. I guess it is a combination of the hormones making me a bit emotional and the constant low level nausea making me tired and unwilling to do much in the evenings. In a way it is probably a bit of a transitional period - the cocoon before the next evolution.

I spent most of the afternoon on MN reading posts in other categories. The ones that don't feel remotely my reality - the ones relevant to other people, those parents. I've been devouring posts by women about how they go back to work, what make up and beauty tips they talk about and anything else for that matter and it seems that yes, women who have babies can still have a life and be interested in the things they were before. And love their children as well as their work. They just seem to be very, very, and again, very busy.

[fortyplus]

Hey - there are some quite balanced replies on this thread answering the concerns of someone currently not enjoying being mother to her 14 month old son. I do remember 14 - 18 months as the hardest stage of all!

[notyummy]

I can relate entirely. I was 34 when I got pregnant by accident, although DH and I had talked half heartedly about having a child. There were still 'things to do' though in terms of career and a couple of amazing holidays....and I was not in the least maternal. Never changed a nappy etc - and an only child myself, so no siblings to have experienced.

Five years on and we are are very happy - and stopping at one (I haven't morphed into an earth mother!!) I did fall in love with DD, however they definitely do get more interesting as they get older.

I am still ME - very much so. I went back to work 4 days a week when she was 6 months old, and I love fashion, exercise and music. You just need to see the discussions on the Style and Beauty boards (particularly the Avid and Wise thread that I sometimes inhabit...) to see that looking good and having children is by no means mutually exclusive.

Has my life changed - yes. Is it always for the better - well, frankly - no. Do I mind that - most of the time - no. Holidays are different, I think that is what DH and I miss the most tbh. We had some cracking luxury holidays before DD, but they tend to be a bit different now!! We have put a positive spin on it by reminding ourselves how lucky we were to have those amazing experiences before she arrived - if we had her when we were much younger we could not have afforded that style of travel and may never had had the chance.

You are not alone.

[KatieWatie]

I'm also one of the 'last ones standing', and I'll be 34 when my baby is due. I see girls on Facebook I was at school with, and their children are their whole lives, and I can't imagine being that person. I genuinely hope I'll fall in love at first sight, but I can't see it happening. I think I'll just be relieved it's out of me and that I can have a drink and go running and get back to work - this makes me feel like a terrible person. I know my husband will be brilliant, and will probably make me feel totally inadequate like he does (unintentionally) with everything else in life. Everyone says "ah once it's born all your priorities will change, there's no way you'll want to come back to work". Er, no!

Then there are the ones who I know will be disappointed in me - one of my friends is a journalist who has written articles on why she is totally against ever having children. I really identified with her viewpoint and now I feel like I've let her down, and like I hardly know myself any more. To her, I'll be just like one of those girls that I myself currently don't identify with. I feel like I need to apologise to her and say "it's not what it looks like! i'm really not feeling the baby mojo, honestly".

[fortyplus]

I think maybe feeling unmaternal is just an indication that we're leading happy, busy, fulfilling lives where children aren't 'needed' to make us feel complete.

But my goodness - though I wasn't bothered about having children - I look back now and think it's just the best, most amazing and important part of my life.

I've never regretted it or one second. It's more than likely that you'll feel the same even if you don't experience the same instant bond that I did. There are people who don't love their children but they're very few and far between.

[LuluBlue]

Freelancegirl, all I can say is Amen. Maybe we were seperated at birth, or something. Sometimes I think I am stalling on telling people in the hopes that I will miscarry or have the nerve to terminate. As I've written about before, I've come close to making that appointment. It's only guilty feelings (toward my husband, mostly) and the fear that maybe I would regret not being a parent one day-- that stop me. I really do try to take heart in the encouraging of posts like portifino and fortyplus. I just wish I could see into the future and know that I am indeed a happy mother who just happend to be a completely ambivalent nutcase during pregnancy.

Also, it doesn't help that I keep reading stories like this: www.salon.com/life/feature/2011/02/28/leaving_my_children/index.html

I have always had a tendency to collect "bad mother" stories-- because in spite of the fact that many people find these types monsterous, I've always secretly believed that 'that could be me one day.'

[freelancegirl]

AuroraLeigh and Katiewatie - I just we just have to, well, tell them. Get it out of the way so they can all get used to the idea. Try do it really casually maybe... Am waiting until the results of my scan after March 21st. And in a couple of years time we might be those people on here that are answering ' I felt exactly like that too, but as soon as I saw my Gertrude...'

To the people I have told so far I've made a point saying I don't want a big fuss. I am the same with some of my friends - the last one standing! But there have been other friends I have made, mainly younger ones when the older ones have all started to saddle up with kids and not go out so much, who don't yet have kids. As well as the ha you're joining us brigade I know there are going to be some friends who will be most disappointed. And like me when another one has bitten the dust, I know they will feel obliged to say all the appropriate congrats and pretend they are pleased.

I am 36 BTW, so should stop thinking like some knocked up teenager who thinks she's far too young for kids :)

[fortyplus]

I was totally unmaternal about babies though liked older children. Went to hospital in labour thinking 'God I hope I'm going to like this thing when it comes out!' Amazed to experience flash of lightning love at first sight when slimy bloody ds1 was handed to me when he was born.

Then pg with ds2 I thought how could I possibly feel the same again - but I did.

Though as others have said - babies get far more interesting once they turn into bigger people. My 2 are 15 & 17 now and just brilliant [biased]

ps They can do housework, pour a glass of wine and make cups of tea so even come in quite handy sometimes!

[AuroraLeigh]

Exactly - I don't want to tell friends/family either - I'm the one who was never going to have a baby and they're all going to be a bit "I told you so". Maybe I'll drop the bombshell and then go on holiday for a bit...And KatieWatie you're absolutely right - having a baby shouldn't be what defines people, there are other things that we've worked hard for!

[LuluBlue]

I worry about this part too. The fact that I simply don't want to tell anyone, not even my own family, makes me think that there must really be something wrong with me. It is a relief to hear there are other women out there that feel the same way. I literally cringe when I think of all the people who will crow: finally! As I'm the last hold-out among my friends.

[KatieWatie]

AuroraLeigh and Freelancegirl I couldn't have put it better myself

"I tell you what else I am not looking forward to when telling people - is everyone being so bloody happy for me" - I am dreading this. I hate a fuss, hate attention, I don't want to tell people and have that whole awkward fake hugging thing. I play everything down anyway and I'll be playing this down, and probably come across as if I don't want the baby because I'll be so "meh, whatever" about it, but that's what people drive me to!

Like it's the best thing in the world to have a baby? Not for me...There's other things that define me. Nobody hugged me or was happy for me when I got promoted at work, or bought my house, etc. etc. and to me these were things more worthy of congratulations.

I sound so Bah Humbug :(

[freelancegirl]

Glad to help LuluBlue ! And AuroraLeigh I completely agree about not wanting to lose my passion for work. I don't want work, fashion, the gym, socialising with friends, keeping up to date with music etc etc to NOT MATTER. It wouldn't be me either! That's my worst nightmare.

I tell you what else I am not looking forward to when telling people - is everyone being so bloody happy for me! I don't know why but I find that so irritating. The friend who said to me 'aaah does it make you broody' and made me want to head butt the wall has already replied to a text from another male friend (both of these know via their wives who I said it was ok to pass on to their husbands) 'Isn't it great news about 'freelancegirl'! In a bloody text that was replying to them arranging to go see a band!! I am not sure why it gets to me so much but it does.

It's like they will all be so happy because I am joining them....

[AuroraLeigh]

I too am hugely relieved to have found this thread and see that there are other people like me out there! All my friends seem to be pregnant and going gooey about babies, and I'm still in shock at 8 weeks (despite miscarriage last year, I still can't be happy that I'm pregnant - even though it was intentional). I think maybe the sentimental cultural constructions of motherhood are too much for me - my mother was v maternal and that just doesn't appeal to me. Also, I love my job, and people say "Work won't matter when you see your new-born" and "You won't want to go back to work afterwards" - and I think, actually, if that's the case then I won't be me any more and it will have been a huge mistake. I love what I do and I think I'll be a better mum because of that. I think, though, the reason I agreed to have a child is that I had a happy childhood and remember how much fun it is to be a child...I want my baby to have that. Anyway. Reading all your comments has made me feel much better (although no less nauseous - the sooner that stage is over the better...)
So thank you all for sharing your stories x

[Portofino]

Lulu, a new baby brings emotions and feelings you can't imagine yet. Love, panic, resentment, fear. It is overwhelming. But you get your life back again.

And kids do add something. You see things through their eyes. I do stuff and go places with dd that I would never dream of doing otherwise. You regain enjoyment of the simple things in life.

[LuluBlue]

That is very heartening, Portofino. Scrabble and omelettes would be something to look forward to. The early baby stuff, not so much.

[Portofino]

I was never broody. I got PG by accident aged 35. The whole birth/baby thing was one hell of a shock to me. None of my friends had babies. I loved dd with a passion, yet was SO resentful of her in the early days. She turned my life upside down.

I think, apart from HAVING to go back to work, I always put her first. To this day, I barely buy anything for myself. But I was never ever SAHM who did playgroups/playdates/stuff with paint and egg boxes. I can't bear cbeebies. I am crap with lego and get frustrated with barbies.

She is bigger now (6). We talk loads. We play scrabble, go swimming, make omelettes, bake cakes at the weekend. I am still not especially maternal. Tonight when I put her to bed, we had a cuddle and she told me she loved me more than anything in the whole world (even daddy and the cat).

So I can be crap mum, and she still loves me the bestest. You will be fine!

[LuluBlue]

Freelancegirl, thanks for your response. It was so funny and right-on and true. And yes, I guess that is what I hope for too-- that I will begin to come to terms with this pregnancy and even become excited enough to want to share the news. (Right now only about three people in the world know.) Trying to gear up to make the announcement to my friends (all of whom already have one or two children by now) is one of the hardest parts of all. I am just so afraid that I will never feel the enthusiasm I am meant to feel.

I made a rash response on another thread about calling to terminate. I did not have the nerve to go through with the call. I think reading some of the other threads did help me calm down a bit. Really, I am just so grateful to know that other woman have gone before me, just as confused and ambivalent as I am now, and that for the most part, things have worked out.

[freelancegirl]

Lulublue I totally emphasise. It's parents I don't really like too. I mean, I love my friends who are parents, but when they get all 'parenty' they can be really irritating. I like being a girl (I was told off for using 'girl' on one post as someone objected to being called a girl - but I feel like a girl and so does my 96 year old Nan so I think I always will) who goes out to see bands, travels at the drop of a hat, who is happy down the pub with the boys and leaves the house on weekends with just a lipstick and a bank card in a pocket (and not the hulking great stuff you seem to have to carry when you become a parent).

I cringed at the sight of buggies, God don't buggy pushers seem to think they own the road? And when I go round to visit friends who have a baby I love the feeling I get when I walk out of there free and easy, with my tiny handbag, and on the way to meet mates or my new husband (I had difficulties getting used to the H word too at first...) for drinks somewhere.

Not so long ago when a friend was bringing her baby out to meet a group of us for the first time, when I did the appropriate saying hello to the baby her husband looked at me all gooey eyed and said 'Ahhh is it making you broody...?' I could have head butted the wall. He's a great friends of mine and his wife would've gone mad if anyone had said something like that to her! It's the irritating assumption that we all want to join in.

HOWEVER. It's been a week or more since I first discovered this post, so thankful that I could voice some of these feelings and, I don't know, something weird starts to be happening. I am 9 weeks pregnant, I am starting to (shock horror) almost feel a bit excited about the prospect of bringing a little human into this world. Very slowly parts of my (certainly not all) attitude is shifting.

I think one of the things about being mother (eeew!) is that the thought of it makes me feel so old! I am sorry, but people who are new parents seem to really age quite overnight. Lack of sleep I guess? BUT on the flip side the only certainty in this life is that unless we die, we WILL get old. Maybe, just maybe, I can still do the things I want to do and still be a reasonably cool chick even with a child...? My biggest fear is losing all my interest in music, socialising, looking good, fashion etc etc and just becoming a comfy-clothes wearing mother who lives through the kids! But although there are certainly lots of mums like that out there, I am hoping we can all count quite a few who are also pretty cool still too.

I guess I am tarting to feel a tad more positive and hoping the first trimester and scan go ok so I can just tell people and get on with the next stage of my life.