Termination

[BattlingMind]

I am seeking some advice to make an (obviously) important decision. Please do not judge.

I have been trying for a child with my husband for a long time. We have done tests through our GP, and as his count is not very good, we have been offered IVF in February. In the meantime we started facing some problems in our marriage, and we have decided to put the whole IVF thing on hold for at least a year. I was really in the frame of mind that this is not the time at all to have children. The knack is, I just found out I am pregnant. I should be delighted, but I am not.

Does anyone know what my options for termination are? How will my GP react given that we were just referred to IVF? Does anyone have experience with private abortions?

Thank you so much in advance for shared experience / advice.

I'm sorry, but I can't really help you, I just didn't want to read and not post :(

I'm sorry that you have been trying for so long and signed up for IVF and yet are now in this situation.

TBH it suprises me as in your position I would still want the baby, even if the relationship was breaking down, but that's due to my situation without the facts of yours (how old you are, if you can get pregnant with someone else etc).

I'm not judging you, but I guess I'm wondering if you are making a decision out of fear that you might live to regret :( How will you feel if you sort thngs out with DH but don't ever get pregnant again?

I would also think that an IVF referral would be hard to get if you go through with this - but I don't know that.

Thank you Chipping - the problems are with him and not me, so I guess I could get pregnant again. I am 33. That fear - that it may not happen again is what is holding me back. Otherwise, I am pretty certain I would want an abortion. If our marriage does break down (not sure yet), it makes things for a possible next relationship so much more complicated and is possibly not fair on the child to bring him into the world like that. The whole situation is more than mildly ironic really.

You are entitled to an abortion if it is within legal timescales.

Don't understand why you would want one though. It's not the end of the world to be a single parent - a lot of us do it you know without suffering children.

I know Ear - I did not mean for this to be against single parenting at all - just wondering how fair it is to be doing it when you know that the relationship is falling apart. And what about the prospects for the next relationship?

Do you think I am entitled even thought we were referred to IVF?

Hmm...well. If I were in your situation I would not terminate, but to be completely fair to you and your situation I have to say there are not a lot of cases where I, personally, would terminate.

I can't tell you what to do and I would not judge you for either choice, but logically let's say you are thinking you'd like a child at some point. You're 33 now, say you and DH take a year or so to figure out you want to split. You take a year or two to find someone else (not that it would necessarily take that long, I'm sure you're lovely and would have an easy time finding some one :), but it takes awhile after a significant relationship to be ready), date for awhile, decide to get married, or not, decide to have a child...you could be 40, which is certainly not old, but the chances of IVF working are smaller. Of course you could decide to have a child on your own, so you could do that later I suppose.

As a woman, I'll tell you that you need to really think and make the choice that's right for you and your goals and situation. As a mother, I'll tell you that you'd never regret not terminating.

Sorry, I know that's no help but I wanted to reply. Best of luck to you, and if you ever just need to talk feel free to PM me.

I don't know how to help you really :(

Yes, it is 'more than mildly ironic' I think I'd say 'fairly fucking typical' :(

I couldn't do it and I would choose a baby now, over possibly making it harder to get into another relationship - but then I'm older than you so more aware of the biological clock going THUNK THUNK.

Also, I think it would depend on the parenting relationship you feel you could have with your DH if your relationship broke down and other large considerations like is this where your family is/where you'd settle if you weren't with DH - will you be tied to a geographical location you wouldn't choose etc

As for not fair on the child... that's hard to answer because I think it's not ideal of course - but is terminating the child any kinder than bringing it into the world with one loving parent? Which is really a 'BigQuestion'.

Do you feel having the baby would help or harm your relationship with DH?

Does H know you are pregnant - what does he think. If he doesn't know - will you tell him?

Sorry, I've typed this that many times I've probably cross posted with other people with far more advice. Also, I have tried to tell you how I feel/explore some of your feelings without upsetting you and I apologise if I haven't achieved that.

Yes I do.

As CheerfulYank says, there is no judgement, and no right or wrong here. It is your decision for what is best for you.

If you mean legally entitled then yes you are - although if you admit to it later, which I think you will have to really to get the best care etc, then it may jepordise your chances of getting IVF again.

I doubt that is true ChippingIn but I suppose it is worth double checking.

I just wanted to say good luck, whatever you decide. It's a horrible situation to be in.

There is probably a better way to say this, but men can come and go, the opportunity to have a child, if that is what you want, is not always available. Worst case scenario is you become a single parent, best case is you resolve marital probs ( do you want to?) and stay together. Both ok really!

A fact to throw into the thinking it through equation- a womans fertility declines MASSIVELY after 35. Yes you can get pregnant after 35 but it will probably be much harder. (am reproductive physiologist of sorts).
It is 100% your decision and choice but do think very carefully as this could seriously be your last chance. Also do you think the stress of the infertility could have been putting a strain on your marriage? What about counselling? For you or both.

Good luck with your decision. No judgement.

What would happen if you told him?

Do you not think this could be a temporary blip? I mean it seems odd that you have gone so quickly from ttc to splitting up?

Having a termination is a massive, massive thing and yes, its your choice but not one you should jump into whilst your emotions and hormones are all over the place (though obviously the sooner the better too) . Please, please try and sit down calmly and rationally and think about this.

I think you need to consider how you would feel if you NEVER had children? You just never know what might happen in the future.

Good luck with your decision.

But. I think the only thing that truly matters when trying to make this kind of decision is if you want a baby or not. Things change, relationships change, circumstances, money, housing, health - these things can all be transient. If you want a baby then none of the other stuff really truly matters. And if you really do not want a baby right now then all the 'right' circumstances in the world are not enough.

yes, very well put

Thank you everyone, those are really useful insights. The facts is, I do not really want a child now. I know I want a child one day, but my maternal instinct has not woken up for some reason. But as I know I will want one one day, there is that fear of what if it never happens. I guess this is the crux of the problem - is that I am not sure if I want a child. If I were, everything you all have said would be so true - single parenting is fine, husband would probably be ok, he is not a bad person...

There is also someone else in the picture. It is not serious at all yet, but I am falling in love with him. I would have to say good bye to that relationship if I am to keep this child.

Thank you for your experience anothername.

Chipping it is fairly fucking typical, isn't it?

I can't tell you whether you should terminate or not, it is completely your decision, but I will tell you about my Mum.

She accidentally fell pregnant when she was living abroad in her early 20s. The guy was a complete arse and no-hoper, she had no family or friends (at the time) who were in a position to help and she was broke.

In the end a work colleague (a virtual stranger) gave her the money to have a termination, for which my mother was very grateful obviously. She was in a position where she could just NOT have a baby, she had no money, no support and knew virtually no-one at the time.

The point I'm making is, even though she really had no choice because the situation was dire she regrets having a termination to this day. She has never got over it and as a result tries never to think about it. She really needs counselling, but won't do it.

I'm not saying this type of regret will happen to you, I'm just saying that everyone deals with things like this differently and you may find it very hard to cope with.

I suppose something to think about is if you go ahead with the termination and then you never get pregnant again, how would you feel?

Oh and just to add the old adadge "there is never a right time to have a baby" is so true.

I waited until I was 28 and married to start ttc (had the maternal pull then), but mine and my then husband's marriage was really unstable and we ended up splitting up when dd was 18 months old.

In theory we should never have gone ahead with ttc, however my dd is the most beautiful, worthwhile thing I have ever achieved and so I can never regret having her even though it ended my marriage.

Can't tell you what to do obviously, like the rest here. I have had an abortion, but pretty much for the same reasons as above... Had lost my parents' support and did not believe my partner was going to stay with me if I had a baby because firstly immature and secondly the relationship was too young (3 months aprox). And I was 19, so I didn't have to worry about the future. I have never regretted it at all. Rather think it was the best I could do at the time ad wouldn't see me now with a child of 9 really...

But... In your situation, I would consider talking to my hubby and seeing if this IVF has not made a difference in your relationship. I mean, firstly trying forever to make a child naturally... (as time moves on the 'we must do it now now now'-approach) I don't know how long, but long enough for it to become apparent that it is not going to happen. Then tests, tests and more tests. And then the stress of hormones and treatments, appointments etc. Maybe that has made him so stressed out and you so focused on the child-thing, that the whole thing becomes a bit pointless. Maybe he is a bit depressed because he can't do his 'duty' as a man, so to say. I know my hubby would think that.

I wouldn't claim that a baby brings you closer together, it can work both ways, but if you sort things out between you and he ever comes to know that you had a termination, even if you were able to get some children later, then I would not be surprised if he lost trust in his marriage completely. Sorry, being honest here.

You do not have to tell him yu're pregnant yet, just talk about the issue with him and try to discern what the problem might be. I am sure you know him well enough.

I had a termination with my bf (now husband) I just wanted to tell you my story.
We had not long met, didn't know how the relationship would go. I didn't want to be a single mum (absoloutlwy no offence intended, I just knew I wasnt strong enough) we decided on a termination. "regret" is the wrong word. I do not regret it. But I think about it often. We have been married 4 years and ttc. My biggest fear is that we will have problems as "punishment" it was the right thing to do for us, but it will pay a part in the rest of your life. It's not easy. Good luck. Xxx

Feel very sad for you faced with this.

I think you need to decide what matters most to you, a relationship or children, and would the prospect of having a relationship with no children be more of an issue or less than having children but no relationship?

To be honest, NOT having or being able to have children would be a deal breaker for some men just as much as having children when you got together is for others.

You are making this choice for you, and if you go on to have a new relationship with another man then any children you do or don't have is part of the package that is you.

You are kind of thinking about this in a way where it's like trying to decide whether to have blonde hair or brown hair in case the next man that comes along likes one or the other. That would be silly wouldn't it? You make decisions based on your personal needs and desires and any man in your life will be the best fit to who you are.

I accept that you may feel it selfish to take this decision for you alone knowing that the baby you bring into this world you bring knowing that as parents you are separated. Even as a divorced parent I know how non ideal this feels, and how it hurts very badly to think that we are not giving our children the best life chances by being two parents together. Though lone parenting can be wonderful and children raised in this situation can suffer few ill effects, it is not what most of us would choose.

I guess you feel right now you have the chance to make the 'right' choice for your unborn child, and perhaps the 'ideal' of two parents together feels like it is the only choice that is right. Perhaps you feel that lone parenting is acceptable and fine but not something one would actively choose for selfish reasons of needing to parent a child.

Just remember, marriage/partnership is a social construct but that there are many ways to ensure that children experience the perhaps evolutionary need to be raised by both males and females and to feel the rich tapestry of love and guidance that is represented by being cared for and nurtured by more than their mother.

You can make the choice to carry on with the preganncy both a selfish one that fulfills your personal needs as well as unselfish one that fulfills his/hers but it takes commitment and support from others. If you feel you have this then don't be afraid of bringing your baby into the world. It would not be a disservice to him/her.

This is so not a black and white choice, therefore no decision is 'right'. Take comfort in the fact that you are protective of this baby's needs to the extent that this is a hard choice for you to make and know that you will have chosen as wisely as you felt able.

Hi Battling

I'm sorry you are going through this. Pregnancy is scary at the best of times. I'm just pregnant again with my third. Every time I've been pregnant I've thought "shit, what have we done?!" I'm somewhat freaking out again, after an 11 year gap, this is planned but I'm still scared....I suppose I'm saying there is never a right time, for me finding myself pregnant has always been terrifying but I would never turn the clock back and wish any of my children were not here. That's just my experience.

My SIL had IVF, it's massively stressful. Don't rush into making a decision, you will have to live with your decision whatever you decide. Have you talked to your DH about how you feel about the relationship and maybe where you think things are going/gone wrong?
All the best. X

I'm pro choice- just to be clear first off. I'm sorry you find yourself in this position. It must be nightmareish.

I think your subsequent post about another man being on the scene and you falling in love with him is very significant. It puts another spin on things- Sorry for stating the obvious here everyone.

Are you fantasising now that if you terminate, leave husband, you can embark upon a new relationshop that will become serious quickly and babies will be on the horizon then? I suppose you think that if you went ahead you would have to give your relationship a go with your husband and then lose out on this new relationship?

Really, your age as others have said is also very important in the scheme of things. It's all very well having terminations in twenties, but you may find yourself in position of never having a baby.

Of course many women go on post 35 to have babies, but then many are not able to. It depends whether you want a child no matter what.

I know time really isn't on your side with regards to decision making but if you are early on, do give yourself a bit of time and get counselling to discuss your options and feelings.

Yes - the other man in this picture really does change the landscape and it would have been better if you'd mentioned him in your OP really - it would have made the answers more valueable to you.

Is the OM free to persue a relationship or is he also married?

How serious is he?

Does he want children?

I can see why having your DH's baby would complicate this new relationship if you go in that direction.

Fuck! Life is so fucking complicated isn't it. Yes, you have helped to complicate it yourself, but nature has also had a hand in it.

IMO your first decision has to be about your relationship.