Termination

[BattlingMind]

I am seeking some advice to make an (obviously) important decision. Please do not judge.

I have been trying for a child with my husband for a long time. We have done tests through our GP, and as his count is not very good, we have been offered IVF in February. In the meantime we started facing some problems in our marriage, and we have decided to put the whole IVF thing on hold for at least a year. I was really in the frame of mind that this is not the time at all to have children. The knack is, I just found out I am pregnant. I should be delighted, but I am not.

Does anyone know what my options for termination are? How will my GP react given that we were just referred to IVF? Does anyone have experience with private abortions?

Thank you so much in advance for shared experience / advice.

OP - thanks for answering that question. Hope you can get some clarity on what you want soon.

BattlingMind - in case you never get to hear it from anyone else and regardless of what you decide, can I say CONGRATULATIONS on your pregnancy. I was so sad with my first that no-one got a chance to say it before I miscarried so I hope you won't be offended and take it in the spirit it's intended. :)

Firstly, if you did have this baby & it didn't work with your dh and things were good with OM, he should accept anything you bring to the relationship! If he truly loves you & wants to be with you, he will have you, baby & all!

BUT

There is also someone else in the picture. It is not serious at all yet, but I am falling in love with him. I would have to say good bye to that relationship if I am to keep this child

I think you have to take the OM out of the picture, OP. You cannot decide whether to have a termination or not, based on a new/future relationship. I know this isn't your sole reason, but having OM there complicates things.

How do you know he wants more from you? He lives with his wife, his children. I would not make any assumptions about a future relationship while the man was till living with his wife, no matter how much he says it is over/he wants more from you! I can see you terminating, deciding your relationship is over & the OM saying 'sorry, trying to sort it out with my wife'. It happens. You will be left with nothing! Sorry to rain on your parade concerning the OM, but I would take everything he says with a pinch of salt for now.

Saying that, if being left with nothing doesn't bother you, ignore what I have said. I just need you to see the reality of married men who promise more. It isn't always (often) the case.

Make your choice regardless of him. Make your choice because it is what YOU want & what is best, right now. Based on how you feel about what is happening in your life, sans OM.

What would you do if there was no OM? This is the question you need to answer before you do any more thinking, imo.

Good Luck, this isn't a simple termination situation, there are many complicating factors here.

I am pro choice, have terminated. But it wasn't a choice, I just knew I had to do it.

If there is a chance you and your DH could repair things (deferring IVF, not cancelling it immediately), how would you feel if you decided to ttc again but this time couldn't conceive naturally and had to go back on an IVF waiting list? (Which if the NHS is doing it, many areas are cutting back and I don't think anyone can count on it being around for free in the future) Would you or your DH end up resenting the other because there had been a termination?

TTC and infertility does put a huge strain on a relationship. It might be worth thinking about whether things could turn around now you are pregnant.

Then you need to think about the pregnancy regardless of the OM - does any part of you think you could handle/want to be a single mum?

If the OM was serious about you he should be able to cope whether you are with child or not (I know that's easier said than done).

Hello Im so sorry your in this situation. Can I just say I have had a private termination and I now have a 5yrs old and a baby on the way. Im 33. I had the termination when I was 22. I dont want to sway you either way but I wished I had never done it. There is not a day that goes by I dont regret it. I had the termination as my boyfriend at the time (who later became my husband) said he was not ready and that we could not afford it and that he would leave me and the baby if I chose to have it. Well I was 22 and loved my BF I would of done anything for him. I did his mum also told me to get it done. My mum said whatever I did she would support me. I stayed with the BF and we were together for 15 yrs and married for 3yrs. I left him over 3 yrs ago as we had our DS and he ignored us both and was a crap dad too busy on games all the time. So I dont have advise but can tell you that I waited for the right time got married had my DS and then the husband was a dick anyways. But my DS is something that I will never regret. Im with someone else now have been for 3 yrs he accpeted me and my DS and now were having a baby together. All as I will say I planned life to be a certain way and this is not the way I planned it! I wanted to be married happy with two kids with my husband a decent job and house. I think if your in doubt please get some advise that is not swayed one way or the other first. I did not get any really and regret it. Looking back I would not of had it done the procedure is not nice and having a baby despite what your husband is like think about your self and hows it going ot effect you. Do you have any other support friends/family? Just because you have a baby does not make men run away either if the right person comes along then its not an issue. There will be other men with children out there as well on their own. Its your choice Im afraid only you can make it I had to and its horrible place to be. Good Luck

Only you can make this decision.

However, I would like to say that no one knows what the future holds. Many 'happy' couples enter into pregnancy and then further down the line their relationship breaks away.

I would think solely along the lines of what you want, can you live which whichever decision you make? Think it through fully, what if you don't meet any one else? What if you do? What if you don't get pregnant again? What if you do?

I feel you are being a little hard on yourself, thinking that it is unfair to bring a child in the world without a secure relationship. But really, can any of us guarantee any of our relationships will last?

Don't be hard on yourself.

I echo daytoday, don't be too hard on yourself. Take a bit of time and see if you can work things through with your counsellor.

Sorry, came back to this a bit late. I just wanted to wish you luck. Other posters have offered lots of good advice, sounds like a very tough decision. I hope it works out for you.

HI again Battling

I really wanted to reiterate what others have said and what I previously said in my message...pregnancy for many doesn't give us that exciting warm gooey feeling, but is actually truly bloody scary! I was thinking about you last night, couldn't sleep because I was going over in my own mind all the changes, short and long term that will have to take place. And this is MY THIRD AND PLANNED and I have a wonderful DH! I am bricking myself!

I think being women, we go over and over the practical issues and see the reality of the extent of disruption much more, and that creates massive worry (I should know, have been sleepless since I found out I'm pregnant last week.)

I'll say again, for me, there is NEVER going to be a right time to have a baby, it's always going to be inconvenient, disruptive and generally incredibly scary! It totally makes you evaluate your life and where you are headed. Each time I've discovered I'm pregnant I've felt trapped and blamed my DH (maybe hormones/normal?) . Those feelings are short lived and recede I should stress! The first night home with my newborn DC1 13 years ago I honestly said aloud "what the f@#k have I done?" Do I have regrets about my first two DC, absolutely not. It's not been easy but I couldn't imagine life without them. I think and hope my feelings are normal!

I do think you should continue to talk to DH, he is part of your anguish, as a husband who you feel unsure about, and the father of your baby.

Good luck.