Termination

[BattlingMind]

I am seeking some advice to make an (obviously) important decision. Please do not judge.

I have been trying for a child with my husband for a long time. We have done tests through our GP, and as his count is not very good, we have been offered IVF in February. In the meantime we started facing some problems in our marriage, and we have decided to put the whole IVF thing on hold for at least a year. I was really in the frame of mind that this is not the time at all to have children. The knack is, I just found out I am pregnant. I should be delighted, but I am not.

Does anyone know what my options for termination are? How will my GP react given that we were just referred to IVF? Does anyone have experience with private abortions?

Thank you so much in advance for shared experience / advice.

OP - I had a termination years ago through BPAS (I think, it was quite a while ago). NHS abortions were harder to get then and I went private from the start because I thought it would be faster and I wasn't sure I'd get one through the NHS. It was fairly straight forward. I have no regrets about it but I was very sure. Years later I have two kids who I adore and I would not have had if I'd gone through with the pregnancy when I was younger.

In your position (even without the possible new man) I'd probably terminate. I grew up in a one parent family and do not want to lead one, but those sorts of factors are very personal.

The issue about getting pregnant again is tricky if you're sure you want children at some point. Do you know why you were having difficulty conceiving? Generally, a termination is less likely to cause fertility problems than having a baby, but it's not going to make you any more fertile either. On the other hand if it's your DH that has issues you're chances of getting pregnant with another man are pretty high. I don't know if having a termination would be taken into consideration in deciding if you qualified for NHS IVF treatment in the future. I can't see why it should but your GP or somewhere like BPAS should be able to advise you if you're concerned.

Thank you for all your insight. When - this is exactly my fear. I am almost certain I would have a termination if I was not worried it would never happen again, almost as a punishment.

Frost, very good to know fear is always there!

Folic you are bang on regarding the scenarios in my head - this is exactly my thinking re husband and the new man, and I am willing to accept that perhaps this kind of thinking is as immature as my new relationship. What if it never works out with the new man? Thankfully I have already been going to counselling. The things is that in my last session with her I said I made a firm decision not to go for IVF. Little did I know that I was pregnant at the time! I am seeing her tomorrow, which will be the first time since I found out.
Chipping - you are right, should have mentioned the other man in the beginning. He is also married - but serious. Has grown up children and would like more. BUT thank you for making me write this because I realise, as I write, it is not so much about him either, it is about me feeling that I need a bit more time to sort myself out, regardless of the men in my life, and feel that baby would confuse things for me (I appreciate it would not necessarily be the case for other people).

I think I am early on - I just missed my period, but the stick says 3+ weeks, which seems like a bit much.

NewVistas problems conceiving are all on his side - all tests show I am fine.

OP - Pregnancies are normally measured from the end of your last cycle, not from the date of conception. So if you've just missed your period it's not surprising the stick says 3+ weeks.

I know your op was simply asking about the procedure for termination and your future choices as far as IVF are concerned but seeing as other posters have offered their views on your situation in general I hope you won't mind me asking, this new man aside, how do you really feel about your DH? In my (admittedly second-hand) experience, trying repeatedly and unsucessfully for a baby can put a horrible strain on the even the best relationships. Were things OK with your DH before all this started? Do you think the relationship with new man is a bit of an escape, or is it really over with DH? If your marriage is terminal, does DH know? And I appreciate this is very controversial but all talk has been of you raising this potential child as a single parent but how strong are your DH's desires to have a child? Could you bear to go through with the prgenancy and let him be the primary care-giver?

I'd like to echo what someone else said about there not being a right time though. When I found out I was expecting DS1, despite the fact I'd had a devastating miscarriage several years before and that we'd been actively trying, my initial reaction was terror and horror and a feeling my life was over.

Such a hard decision. I hope your session with your counsellor is some help.

Why exactly would you have to say good bye to this relationship if you are to keep this child?

Would you still be entitled IVF if you terminate this pregnancy?

I think you need to tell your DH and have this discussion with him - he has a right to know IMHO.

I may get flamed for saying this, but I really think you have to discuss the pregnancy with your husband. While I know it's your body (I had a termination myself aged 21), it is his baby too. Is it possible that some of your marital problems are stemming from feelings of inadequacy on his part, thinking he couldn't give you a baby and therefore feeling less of a man? It's got to be a terrible blow to a man's self-esteem to be told he has a low sperm count.

Besides, if you were having sex with him in the last month, how terminal can the relationship be?

Oops, cross post with Mamalino!

Is the baby DH's or OM's?

Forgive me, I really dont mean to be judgy but I'm struggling to understand how someone who was about to undergo ivf in February can not be ready for children and have no maternal awakenings. I would have thought ivf required a bit of commitment to a baby and your partner so how can things with your husband have gone downhill so much so quickly?

Have you had sex with the other man?

GwendolineMaryLacey - if you read the OP again, a decision has been made not to take up IVF in Feb and defer it for a year or more.

Sorry, yes I got that. It read like a recent decision though. Anyway, I guess that's a side issue, I'm really not trying to pick holes.

NorthernLurker has asked the question I wanted to. Hopefully there is no question of paternity though?

If you were committed to start IVF in February I would say you are enjoying the distraction of the new man who you are falling for because you are perhaps a bit angry with your DH for not being able to provide you with a baby and perhaps this pregnancy has been a hell of a shock.

When DH and I were trying for a baby we fought - continuously. It's fucking scary when you have military operation sex and your relationship is suddenly about what you don't have rather than the good things you do have. It can kill a marriage dead in just a few months.

You have some time to play with here. Take a week or so and think about it. I seriously think you should talk to your DH too - not because it's his decision you are the one who has to carry and raise this child if the relationship goes awry but really, truly, putting aside the nice distraction of the other chap, there's perhaps a chance for you two to be happy, permanently together. :)

Just to reinforce- abortion does NOT affect future fertility- but your age does. In terms of terminating this pregnancy it should have no bearing on you getting pregnant again in the shorter term if you wish.

No, no question of paternity whatsoever. Even if the marriage can be saved, I am scared of a loveless marriage. We don't even argue - he is too good natured for that. Love has just gone. To answer how I was having sex - thinking of OM. Even in that way I feel like the baby was cheated out of a wrong relationship.

DH knows about the pregnancy now and is in two minds like myself. no question of him being a primary care giver, but willing to share no matter what.

TheHouse, I guess you do not feel like your life is over anymore?

Gwendoline you are so right, and the simple answer is because I wanted children one day and was getting on with age. But I have mentioned in a previous post that we have decided to postpone the IVF because of our relationship, but also because I realised I was not ready. The whole thing has taken a while, and I realised I was only going through the motions by the end. At least I got that self-aware at the end. Ironic I fell naturally pregnant then.

I am definitely giving us a week and looking at options until then. DH is aware of everything.

Lady, how do you get out of questioning your life? Does it pass when you give birth?

Sorry to harp on about this but just to be sure are you saying there's no question of paternity because you've NEVER had sex with the other man or because you have but used precautions?

I agree with WMC - infertility puts a huge strain on a relationship. Just be careful you're not falling into the trap of thinking your current relationship is dead when in fact it's just exhausted. The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence - especially when your side of the fence has been full of grief, disappointment and recriminations.

Thandeka - a termination can affect fertility I believe - as can giving birth - if you are unlucky enough to contract an infection afterwards. It's not likely but there is a small risk.

BattlingMind no, I don't, I love being a mum now. I always thought I wanted to have children and was surprised by my reaction when I found out. Like many big changes, it takes time to come to terms with but when I foundout I did find the "finality" of it truly overwhelming. I'd felt exactly the same when I'd been pregnant before. That had been an accident and I was considering a termination. I went for an early scan to find out how many weeks pregnant I was and found out the baby had already died. I was a total mess for a while after that.

But that was all with a husband whom I loved. Your situation is obviously a bit more complicated and you have to sort out the three separate issues you are facing. I'm glad for your sakes that your DH knows about the baby and also that it sounds like you both have similar feelings about the pregnancy and your marriage. I hope that makes things a little easier.

Just to echo what Lady said at the end - you cannot really be sure of anything in life, not your DH, not your OM, NOBODY - which is a powerful reason for trying to make the choice that is right for you and not dependant on what someone else may or may not do.
Sorry Lady if I got the wrong end of what you were saying.
I'm pro-choice and had a termination many years ago which has always made my sad but that I cannot bring myself to regret as it was totally the right thing to do - just a really sad situation.
Just RE saying that you didn't feel maternal - neither did I with my first baby - I always wondered how it was possible to feel 'maternal' (as opposed to just liking children which is very different) before you have a child to whom you are the mother?
Good luck with your decision and trust yourself to make the right choice - you can and you will.

Ladyintheradiator - I only went away for a week. Did anyone notice then?

OP, you say the love has gone. I was married before and had that experience and if I'm totally honest about it I gave up. I could have fixed things, I could have made it work but another person was on the horizon (now my DH) and so it was easier to just let it end. Sometimes effort (or the lack of it) is the thing that makes a relationship.

I wonder whether you want us to talk you into having this baby? If you are deadly sure you want a termination, why are you asking the question? You know this is a life changing decision either way.

Look ahead five years, you would have a child starting school and your life would be starting to normalise somewhat with or without your DH.

Or five years down the line you might be with someone else, childless or with a younger child. Frankly I'm a lot more sodding knackered than I was five years ago and with or without children I would not now be starting a family knowing what I do now. It's hard work.

And children can really hurt your relationship, but they also give you a reason to try harder. I know I will never leave DH because we made these two beautiful children together and we will always love each other for that connection even if we stopped loving each other the way we did when we first met (we are very happy together for the avoidance of doubt but relationships do change over time).

The other thing to say is, when you are in your early thirties, there is quite often a realisation that what you have is perhaps not what you aspired to and it's easy to indulge in fantasies of the perfect life that is just slightly different to what you have. And I have to say a new partner, any new partner will not solve your dissatisfaction, it will just vary the flavour of your disquiet.

Northern - because I never had sex with him.

Thank you everyone. I only found out yesterday, so I really think this whole thing needs to sink in. It does not help that I already have massive physical changes and that I feel fat and really unfit for pregnancy. Side issue. I am obviously also tired and hormonal.

Really, thank you all.