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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Following Spikey's thread................................

13 replies

Jemma7 · 26/08/2003 15:46

Do you think Dp's/DH's should be in the room for the birth?

I think "Absolutely yes" and don't understand how some women can be happy about their dp/dh's not being there.

Whilst watching "Discovery Health's Labour Ward" yesterday (which i have becom addicted to) I asked DP to watch it with me to see what h thought about the whole experience - He was onyl joking about but said "My god, there is no way you get me down there, i think i would pass out"
Now i'm not expected DP to be right in there having a good old gander but i would definitely expect him to be in the room holding my hand for support.

Obviously, if you are a single parent it is a different kettle of fish but if you are in a relationship of course they should - shouldn't they?

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SamboM · 26/08/2003 15:54

If they are going to be so traumatised, (a) they will be no good anyway and (b) you have enough to deal with without them freaking/fainting/puking etc.

On the other hand, I think that most men I have spoken to who were freaked at the idea of it found it really interesting and moving when it came to it.

I do know a couple of men who were totally revolted and put off sex for a long time afterwards....

I said to my dh that he had to stay up the head end! (my head that is). In the end had a csection so it was irrelevant.

I do get the feeling that if they aren't there they won't understand what you've been through. In my case I think it would have been really bad as I would have been freaked and dh would not have understood why.

BUT if he had really not wanted to come I would not have made him. It's more important to have someone there who can speak for you, make sure that your wishes are complied with etc.

bunnyrabbit · 26/08/2003 16:21

Totally agree with SamboM.
My DH is dreadful when in comes to blood, passes out with injections etc. but he is determined to be there... at the head end!!!

One thing though.. I'm sure many women given the option would rather they didn't have to go through the trauma of delivery, but we do. Therefore, IMHO if you made this baby together, you are both responsible for the delivery. So what if he's gonna be traumatised, tough. I'm sure many women are, but we don't generaly get the choice. I don't think they should either.

I have two reserves just incase he passes out!

ThomCat · 26/08/2003 16:27

I don't know what I would have done if my DP had said he didn't want to be there, I just know it wouldn't be an option!
My friend sent her DH out of the room and just wanted her mum there which I thought was reallly weird and unfair on her DH.
I wanted DP to cut the cord which he said he wouldn't be able to but in the end he did, I thought that was brilliant and was a great thing for him to be a part of.
There's just no way I could have not had him there.

Original poster

Jemma7 · 26/08/2003 16:31

My SIL has had 2 Caesarean (pelvis too small to give birth naturally) and both times her dp has waited outside while her mum has gone in with her.
She is absolutely terrified of the whole experience and knows how usless her dp would be so chooses for her mum to be with her!

I have told DP if he thinks he would get the easy ride and get to sit outside on a nice comfy chair while i do all the hard work then there will be no more BD'ing - soon made him change his mind! Bless

OP posts:

spikeycat · 26/08/2003 16:32

DP was there for ds. I asked him to leave when they were do various internals but to be honest when it really got going anyone could have been there and I wouldn't have cared

He wouldn't cut the cord though, but he did go and have a look at him coming out, which he hadn't seen with his dd's and was totally amazed with.

I don't think anyone else but him could have coped with me when I was in labour (I had a back to back delivery - vvv painful!)

lou33 · 26/08/2003 16:37

Definitely should be there. He was there at the beginning he should be there at the end!

tabitha · 26/08/2003 16:47

I think they should be there but don't think there's any point in forcing if they really can't/don't want to face it. Having said that I know I would have been pretty damn pi**ed off if my dh had decided he didn't want to be at the births of any of our children. Luckily he did and I think he found it a worthwhile and moving experience although he did say when dd2 was born that it was a bit boring! I think that was compared to the trauma of dd1's birth though.
By the way Jemma7, I'm also addicted to Labour Ward and all the other Pregnancy/Birth programmes on Discovery Health so much so that I'm thinking of starting my maternity leave early just so that I can spend uninterupted days watching them before my baby arrives.

quackers · 26/08/2003 16:56

Some men surprise themselves about how well they cope. Don't forget you are in another world in a way and they see it in the same sort of frame of mind. I was completely in awe of how my DH helped during my birth and didn't expect him to be so good. If he hadn't have made me feel the head and been positive I would have needed alot of intervention. The m/wives were so negative and shook their heads to say it's not happeneing but he was the only positive one there and made me less frightened. However if he thought he couldn't deal with it I would happily have my sis or Mum there. Saying that, I have never never met a man who after the event said they would rather have not seen it!!!

Linnet · 26/08/2003 22:01

I to like watching labour ward when I get the chance. But it always amazes me how all these women sometimes have more than just there Dh/Dp with them. One episode I watched the woman had her Dh, her mother, his mother, her sister, her friend and a cousin in with her while she was delivering. Personally I wouldn't want practically my entire family to see me in that situation but if it works for some people then so be it.

My Dh was with me when I was in labour with our dd and he hated every minute of it. He hates hospitals anyway due to spending so much time in them when he was a child. But I was happy that he had decided to be with me. I can't say he was a lot of help and we had agreed that he would stay up by my head. However in the end dd was delivered in theatre by forceps and before we went through to the theatre the midwife had him down holding my foot while I tried feebly to do some pushes. The whole time all I could think was that I didn't want him down there seeing all that.
We're trying for baby #2 now and he has said that he doesn't want to be there and I'm fine with that. He's happy to be there at the beginning but when things start getting a bit more serious he'd rather be waiting outside. to be honest I'd rather he wasn't there either as last time I felt far to self concious (sp?) with him being there.
Still we'll see what happens at the time maybe things will go so quickly he won't have time to get out of the room.

Jenie · 27/08/2003 09:58

Dp was there for delivery of dd but was so traumatised by the whole thing (merconium in the water, baby in destress, a room full of strange people about 2 midwives 1 pead 1junior dr and an anethatist) that he said straight from the start with ds that he couldn't face being there.

Got my mum to be there and she was better at dealing with the stress (merconium in the water) being told that if they hadn't induced me then (which if I hadn't refused to leave they wouldn't have) that ds would've be dead by tomorrow.

So to be honest my mum was more support, knew the right things to ask the midwife for me and relayed information when I was more "with it". She also explained afterwards what had been the midwifes concerns and why (she'd asked all these questions).

I think that everyones experience is different and that sometimes dp isn't the best option especially if he doesn't want to be there, but also I do feel that they should have to attend 1 just so they know what they're missing out on.

quackers · 27/08/2003 10:04

Agree, every one is different and tolerates more than others. Each couple needs to decide for themselves. I certainly felt helped an comforted when my littl'n was distressed. I'm really glad he was there to help me get her out. He was more use than the 4 midwives and Doc put together. Didn't put him off sex either fortunately Her heartbeat was 60bpm and they umed and ahed about c section, but worked out that I pushed her out just in time. Even then she took a while to come round. Perfect now though - thanks God!

aloha · 27/08/2003 10:34

dh was there for my elective c-section and was very moved by the whole event. Very glad he was there as I always like someone to talk to and the surgeon seemed a bit distracted!

LucieB · 27/08/2003 11:01

dh was there during the whole of my labour with ds and wouldn't have had it any other way. Admittedly he did fall asleep once I had an epidural and things slowed down but he was really helpful throughout - probably because he is a doctor and I trusted him implicitly to take care of me in conjuction with the midwives.
He will be there this time around too. Am not sure that I could have anyone else with me at such a private, intimate time.

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