newborn: length of friends' visits?

[hettiew]

Hi all. I'm 36 weeks into my first pregnancy and friends keep asking about visits once the LO arrives. What's the longest they should expect to visit for, do you think? Before me and the baby get exhausted I mean.

I'm also visiting a friend tomorrow whose baby is only 3 or 4 weeks old... Wondering how long I should stick around for before tactfully pushing off.

Hi Hettie I would go for short & sweet visits, about an hour is plenty of time but thats just me.
I suppose it depends on how good a friend is visiting you when you have your own; I have some friends who could stay all day as I know them well enough not to feel the need to entertain them. Think it depends how established babies routines are too, if its early days you might want to sleep while baby sleeps so its not great to have long visits.

30 mins - offer to make her a cuppa too

An hour, hour and a half to 2 if you are traveling a long way and having lunch (made by you, the guest of course...). I found I felt OK and quite perky when guests were there, but felt drained and awful once they left, so I'd say an hour is plenty, no matter how much the mum seems to be enjoying herself!

The first few weeks are tiring, plenty of time for longer visits later on

I think it depends on several factors- how far they have come, how the visit fits in with the baby sleeping and feeding, and most importantly how the mother feels. Mostly I would expect no more than an hour, just a quick cuddle and cup of tea. Anyone who stays longer than that should expect to help out a bit e.g. bring some sandwiches round or do some washing up.

Or alternatively do as my ILs did they turned up the day after I was discharged from hospital with a prem baby EMPTY HANDED. No lasagne, casserole nothing. They stayed 3 days and expected me to host them as if nothing had happened. They were horrified when it came to time for the evening meal and I just shrugged and said I didnt know what was for dinner.Grr still pisses me off two years on

Hettie I think its a toughie as I went to see my best friend with her new born and really aware of how long I was going to stay as didnt want to bombard her as I know she will show me the same care in May.

Turned out I made her a drink and some food (thanks MN as I would have never thought of that unless I read it on here) then helped out with the baby which she was really pleased about and enjoyed the company as everytime I was going to go she asked for help with someone else.

A good guest is welcome guest!

I would say about an hour but I am going on when I wanted ILs to leave with DH's annoying crazy nan. I actually wanted them to leave after 10 minutes but then they weren't the "is there anything we can do" type. I didn't have friends last time either.

This time I have loads who all want to visit. It will depend on how tired I am, plus they have said they will stay if I want to go and rest so I may use that offer!

Take ALL offers you get and don't be afraid to show it if you have had enough,. It will depend on how you feel on certain days. ILs came on day 5 which was my absolute worse day, I felt awful! Siblings came later in the week (after seeing me at the hospital) and I was happy for them to stay. They even brought their own tins of soup of their lunch to save me! I was very touched by that.

It all totally depends on who the visitors are and how comfortable you feel with them.

When my sister and her OH came round, they stayed for quite a few hours. But didn?t expect to eat (obviously had drinks and snacks) and they cleared up after themselves.
When friends with babies came round, they were welcome to stay as long as they wanted, as long as they understood that I would feed the baby when need be and would be lying around on the sofa. They knew where the kitchen was and helped themselves to whatever they needed.

People who were just visiting to meet the new arrival, tended to only stay for an hour or so, just enough time for everyone to hold the baby for a bit each and to all have a drink.

I don't think anyone can beat the story of my in laws and OH Bro and SIL. I?d had a C-section so had only gone back home of Day 3 and was still very tender. The 4 ILs arrived on the morning of day 5 and stayed til the evening, expecting DH to wait on them hand and foot and provide them with lunch and dinner. No offer to even carry their own plates to the sink never mind offering to help with any housework! Then day 6, again they arrived in the morning (they?d stayed in a local hotel overnight) and again expected DH to wait on them. But the icing was when at 5pm they said, we are going to the hotel for a bit of a lie down and a rest, we?ll come back at 7 for dinner! So while the baby and I had a nap, poor DH, had to cook! And the worst bit ???.. he barely got to hold DD on days 5 or 6 and was shattered at the end of it.

I would have refused to get them anything until they got the message!!

When I went to visit my best friend and her 2 week-old, she and her DH both gave me a kiss and a hug, then gave me the baby and went to bed for an hour. I was sitting on the sofa absolutely terrified with this tiny fragile thing (never had much to do with sprogs before then). Didn't dare move to make a cuppa in case she woke up and disturbed her parents!

Hoping that I get to return the hospitality in a few months

I guess as with all things, you've got to put your foot down. It's your house, your baby, your rules.

(Hope I can be as firm with my outlaws when the time comes.)

I booked 1 set of guests in per day, I didn't mind how long they stayed as I sat with my feet up. 1 friend insisted on washing cups and giving the kitchen a tidy (I think I may have fallen asleep for a bit while she was in the kitchen) and one of my oldest friends bough lunch with her each time a DC was born...lovely!

Make it absolutely clear to them that they bring their own biscuits, make their own tea, then wash their own cups! And just let them know what you're comfortable with (if they don't get it, you'd be better off without their visits). I say "what you're comfortable with", because as a single parent, I craved adult conversation, and was happy to have long-ish visits from friends, but then I knew I could always say outright "go away, I need a nap" and they wouldn't be offended.

visitors should stay no longer than an hour, bring chocolate-based refreshments, and find their own way to the kettle.

DD2 is 2 weeks today, and i have only allowed family visits in accordance with the above. friends have been talk i'll call them when i'm ready.