Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

20-week scan: should I pressurise DP to come?

57 replies

boognish · 15/09/2010 12:39

Simple question really. I went to my earlier scans on my own, it seems unlikely the baby will have anything wrong with it, and DP just wants to know what sex it is. Which I can report back.

I have explained how wonderful it is to hear the heartbeat and see it moving but he's really not that bothered. I can't think of any reason for insisting he come other than that he would miss out on this opportunity to bond with the baby - and perhaps to see if it has a willy on the scan, as I'm shortsighted and if the scanner decides not to tell me the sex and the sex is obvious I don't want to have to shell out £300 for a private scan. Are my reasons valid? Any others I might have forgotten?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

emmyloulou · 15/09/2010 12:42

I wouldn't pressurise anyone to do anything. But I would be questioning his can't be arsed attitude, most men jump at the chance to come to scans?!?!

FioFio · 15/09/2010 12:44

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted

Jacksmybaby · 15/09/2010 12:49

From what I've heard if the sonographer doesn't want to tell you the sex (because of hospital policy) then they will make sure you don't get a view on screen that would make it obvious.

Personally I would be encouraging him to come (not pressuring him) using the "it's an amazing experience" line. It is pretty cool!

PaigeTurner · 15/09/2010 12:57

Is he just 'not bothered' or does he have another undiscovered reason for not wanting to go ie hating hospitals etc?

Just asking cos even my baby daddy came to the 20 week scan with me and we're not even together.

Sounds like your DP needs to man up.

PrivetDancer · 15/09/2010 12:58

I would pressurise him, rightly or wrongly, and also be very sad that he doesn't want to!
Refuse to tell him the sex unless he goes with you.

LadyintheRadiator · 15/09/2010 13:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mum2oneloudbaby · 15/09/2010 13:04

I second FioFio. Wild horses couldn't keep my DH away from any of the scans, he doesn't do the mw appts no point obviously but he even moved a work trip overseas to be at the 20 week scan for this one.

Why would he not want to be there? I cannot understand?

Bonding is obviously a nice thing but that is not what the scans are for as much as no problems are envisaged he should be there to support you in case some anomaly is found.

MisterW · 15/09/2010 13:06

Is there a particular reason he doesn't want to go? I've been to all of them so far (24 weeks - 5 scans) and the 20 week one is the best. Tell him from me that he won't regret it if he does go.

flowerybeanbag · 15/09/2010 13:09

It's called an anomaly scan for a reason. It's great for bonding and sexing and all that, but the reason you have it is to check thoroughly that baby is ok and to find anything that might be wrong.

I'm sure everything will be fine, but if it's not, this is probably when you're going to find out. He needs to be there. Don't want to scare you, as I say I'm sure it will be fine, but speaking as someone who's had bad news at a 20wk scan previously, you need him there with you.

buttonmoon78 · 15/09/2010 13:21

Oh, I'd fully expect him to be there. With dc3 dh worked away and he once drove 200 miles just so he could be there.

If he won't come is there someone else who could come to support you, someone who would really appreciate being asked eg mum, mil, sister, sil, friend?

I hate the thought of you going on your own!

Mahraih · 15/09/2010 13:30

I'd kick DP if he didn't come! And he'd be offended ifI told him he couldn't.

It might be a good idea to have someone there just in case, on the tiniest chance, there are irregularities.

Also, has the father, surely he should be part of this process?

Samraves · 15/09/2010 13:31

My OH has come to all my scans as he loves to see our baby - he gets all gooey and emotional. So lovely! He would be really missing out by not coming (unless there is some underlying issue - like scared of hospitals etc)

motherinferior · 15/09/2010 13:34

Agree with Fio and Flowerybeanbag - the scan isn't there for you to bond, it's not for you to work out the sex, it's there to spot an anomaly. I was shit scared at both my 20 week scans for precisely that reason. And I took my partner because frankly I did not want to be talking to him in tears on a mobile outside the hospital if something were wrong.

There wasn't, as it happens; but that is not the case for everyone. You need someone there to support you.

Original poster

boognish · 15/09/2010 13:52

Thanks so much to everyone! I think you're all giving me brilliant advice. I have explained the above to him, but not stressed the possibility of something being wrong with the baby, possibly because it's one a thing I'm probably putting to the back of my mind myself so as not to get too anxious. It's helpful to know that people's baby daddies turned up, and also that all these guys have travelled long distances, cancelled work commitments, etc., just to be there, and really wouldn't have missed the experience.

And, yes, perhaps if he just thinks over the issue a bit longer he'll wake up...

OP posts:

FioFio · 15/09/2010 13:53

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 15/09/2010 13:57

"Baby daddies"???

He is presumabbly your life partner and the two of you jointly chose to bring another life into the world. Why does he think that it's optional for him to take any responsibility? Is he likely to decide that he's not "interested" in night wakings, nappy changes, etc?

Original poster

boognish · 15/09/2010 13:58

I won't have to FioFio! I discussed it with him again (fortified by your comments) and he's just changed his mind!!!

OP posts:

1Catherine1 · 15/09/2010 13:59

I don't think you should "pressure him" but I would be wanting to know exactly why he doesn't want to go and know if he realizes how important the results of this scan are. I think if you talk to him and explain that its about knowing if the baby is ok or not he has to rethink his attitude. If he still doesn't want to go though make sure as buttonmoon said you take someone else.

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 15/09/2010 14:00

You know, it's not really relevant how valid your reasons are, and how logical your arguments.

If it's important to you that he's there, that's a valid reason in and of itself. You would accompany him on an important appointment if it was important to him, I assume?

Crazycatlady · 15/09/2010 14:16

The 20 week scan is one of the most important moments in your pregnancy. It is an anomaly scan and the first real chance to check the health and wellbeing of your baby (there's only so much they can see at 12 weeks).

It seems strange to me that a partner wouldn't want to be there for this if they could so I'm really glad he's changed his mind.

ShakesPear · 15/09/2010 14:18

If this is the start of things to come then good luck when the baby comes!

Habbibu · 15/09/2010 14:19

Well, rare as it is, I was one of those people who had absolutely devastating news at my 20 week scan. And I do not know what I'd have done if DH hadn't been there. It's extremely unlikely that you'll have anything but good news, but if the worst happens, you will need someone.

littlewish · 15/09/2010 14:30

I had the bad news that my baby had died at the 20 week scan, I needed my husband!

Icanonlytry · 15/09/2010 14:43

Dp didn't come to my 20 week scan when I was pregnant with dd (7) due to work commitments and although he didn't seem too disapointed at the time I know he regrets not coming now and has recently told my friends husband that he would be stupid to miss it even though he works 4 hours away from home and would have to do four trips in one week,
To be honest I think it spoilt my experience of the scan, I was only 18 and the sonographer just checked everything was ok then only moved the screen so I could see it for a few minutes before stopping the scan. sounds awful but I do still feel resentful towards him sometimes because I wonder if it would have been much different if we were both there.

Octaviapink · 15/09/2010 14:57

DH didn't come to my 20 week - neither of us was that bothered.

Flip

1 2 3