20-week scan: should I pressurise DP to come?

[boognish]

Simple question really. I went to my earlier scans on my own, it seems unlikely the baby will have anything wrong with it, and DP just wants to know what sex it is. Which I can report back.

I have explained how wonderful it is to hear the heartbeat and see it moving but he's really not that bothered. I can't think of any reason for insisting he come other than that he would miss out on this opportunity to bond with the baby - and perhaps to see if it has a willy on the scan, as I'm shortsighted and if the scanner decides not to tell me the sex and the sex is obvious I don't want to have to shell out £300 for a private scan. Are my reasons valid? Any others I might have forgotten?

I believe the OH should be at the scan (as previously stated) although I really do think the hard time being given to Larry is unreasonable. The OP asked for opinions and Larry merely voiced one. I also think he has a point. If the mother feels more than capable of coping by going on her own it does not make him a bad person by letting her. Some woman cope better with bad news than others.

I know if it was me I couldn't be trusted to drive back home after bad news down the 70mph dual carriage way I'd have to use. I know myself and I'd be too distracted and there is a good chance I'd crash. Sometimes after a bad day at work I scare myself with a sudden thought of "Where am I?" when I've been lost in a thought while driving. If that's what happens after a bad day imagine what could happen when I'm actually devastated.

Lucieloo,

Should pregnancy fora only consist of "fluffy bunny" stories of perfect pregancies and births? Is that really helpful to people whose experiences are very variable?

I also find there to be an astonishing bias. Half the stories posted above concern some really horrible 20 week scan results (one was a missing skull), yet all anyone offered was support. Is it an anti male bias or is it just me?!

What would be genuinely helpful would be to broadcast loudly the facts about early miscarriage, so that most people (including us first time) would not assume a positive pregnancy test equalled an unborn baby. There was a poster above who referred to a 12 week missed miscarriage scan as the death of an "unborn baby". It was only after I spoke about our early miscarriage with friends that I found out how many of them had the same think. It is like a dark secret that people don't really tall about.

For starters, early miscarriages happen before 10 weeks but are sometimes caught at 12. 10 weeks is also equal to 8 weeks from conception because of the bizarre way pregnancy is measured. So, what it is is a 2cm mass of broadly undifferentiated cells. Sad, but not a tragedy. Multiple early miscarriages are different as they are about the fear of not ever having children.

It is natural to be upset about early miscarriage but I would say people's extreme reactions to it are societally conditioned and not healthy. Older people just refer to it as a "chemical pregnancy" and tell you "don't worry, just try again". I actually think that is much healthier.

I think from my point of view the trouble is no one really knows how they would cope until it happens. Plus just because a woman could cope on her own doesn't mean that's the best option, in my view. But everyone has to do what works for them as a couple, regardless of how judgy I or others might be about a partner who chooses not to go.

Interesting about the difference between early and late pregnancy loss. For me the later was much much harder, both the emotions of it and the actual physical reality. I'm not going to go into more detail about how and why it was harder as I am already conscious the OP is off for her scan and probably isn't keen on horror stories!

I read something recently expressing a point of view that all these very early pregnancy tests we get now are not a good thing, and actually the old way was better where you had to see a doctor for a test once you'd missed two periods. Obviously that meant that a lot of what today would be early miscarriages were just not picked up or considered a loss. Clearly we can't go back now - you can find out you're pregnant before you are even due your period now and most people would want to know as soon as possible, but it was an interesting point of view which Larry also expresses.

Of course not Larry, and there are many many stories to be found both happy and said - I just find it a bit insensitive bearing in mind OP is off for 20 week scan.

I'm not sure I agree that the facts about early miscarriage aren't broadcast loudly enough. The doctor usually covers this at your first appointment, and all the pregnancy related websites I've visited it mention is time and time again. Plus as it's so common, many, many women have first hand experience, or know other women who have first hand experience.

The degree of upset is obviously going to vary from person to person - I'm not sure being told to just get over it and you shouldn't feel that upset are particularly helpful either!

Perhaps I am discrimminating because you are male but I find your attitude a bit heavy handed to be honest! However, we're all entitled to express our opinions :) Anyway, I'm not sure this thread is appropriate place for this so apologies OP

I hope you and your DP have a great 20 wk scan.

"I also find there to be an astonishing bias. Half the stories posted above concern some really horrible 20 week scan results (one was a missing skull), yet all anyone offered was support. Is it an anti male bias or is it just me?! "

I don't understand. Why is telling the story of how my daughter had anencephaly an example of anti-male bias?

Habbibu,

It is not. It is in people's reactions to it. My telling of a friend's losing a twin 2 weeks before birth was met with "is this appropriate in a pregnancy forum" as opposed to the (rightly) supportive comments posted in response to yours.

Your story is very sad and upsetting.

oh, ok.