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Original poster

20-week scan: should I pressurise DP to come?

57 replies

boognish · 15/09/2010 12:39

Simple question really. I went to my earlier scans on my own, it seems unlikely the baby will have anything wrong with it, and DP just wants to know what sex it is. Which I can report back.

I have explained how wonderful it is to hear the heartbeat and see it moving but he's really not that bothered. I can't think of any reason for insisting he come other than that he would miss out on this opportunity to bond with the baby - and perhaps to see if it has a willy on the scan, as I'm shortsighted and if the scanner decides not to tell me the sex and the sex is obvious I don't want to have to shell out £300 for a private scan. Are my reasons valid? Any others I might have forgotten?

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ILoveDonaldDraper · 15/09/2010 15:46

My Dh hasn't come to every single appointment with me - he has a very busy job and is trying to keep up to date with everything so he can take as much time as possible off when the baby actually arrives.
However, he came to the 12 and 20 week scans. I think the 20 week scan is often then one where a problem is identified - I am sure this won't happen to you and don't want to be alarmist but I personally would have been surprised and disappointed if he hadn't wanted to be there. If you are told that there is a problem, you will need someone else there to support you, to remember all the information you are given, and to ask any questions you don't think of at the time.
I agree that there is no need for partners to be at every midwife appointment or anything like that, but there are a few things they really ought to be interested in, and in my view the 20 week scan is one of them.

Original poster
boognish · 15/09/2010 17:16

I really feel for you, Habbibu, littlewish and flowerybeanbag. I hope that things are working out for you much better now.

Of course, my DP would be absolutely gutted if something bad happened and he hadn't decided to come with me. Sometimes it takes time for things to sink in with some people.

OP posts:
queenofthehouse · 16/09/2010 00:19

I am glad he's changed his mind, as u obviously want him there. My partner couldn't be kept away he is very excited even the second time around but every man is different and some do care as much but they aren't comfortable in those situations, I don't get it but I know men like it and although I find it odd it's just the way they are. Not so many years ago men weren't allowed to go, my grandad wasn't even at my mothers birth and I know my partners mother went to her scan with her mother not his father-no1 found that strange. I do agree with what everyone is saying to an extent but some of these comments are a little harsh, he doesn't sound as though he is being inconsiderate on purpose more a bit apprehensive and unaware of how nice it is and he probably didn't consider you may need him or really want him there. I hope you enjoy your scan anyway.

flowerybeanbag · 16/09/2010 10:02

thanks boognish. Having lost two, one of them after a 20 week scan (in fact 22 weeks in the event as they did it late), I am now lucky enough to have two lovely boys. :)

Hope your scan goes well, I'm sure it will.

lucy101 · 16/09/2010 10:08

You are right that it is extremely unlikely that anything will be found that is wrong in the scan... but I was someone who had a devastating scan and if my husband hadn't been there it would have been dreadful, not least because in my case there so much information to take in (doctors were called in), information which we needed to listen to and understand to make a decision, if my husband hadn't been there to listen to all of this (and on the NHS it isn't like you get to talk to the docs when you like) it would have been impossible.

larrygrylls · 16/09/2010 10:14

It is a very personal thing. Why condemn someone without really knowing his reasons. My wife loves scans, I find them nerve racking, so with her second pregnancy, she has gone to the scans and I have looked after our son (now 15 months). I did go to all the scans for our son but all I wanted to know was that he was OK. I did not find it a bonding experience.

To be honest, babies are all pretty similar in scans anyway. It is when they are born and share in their care that you bond with them (as a father, at least).

On the other hand, I "enjoyed" being there for the labour and birth., despite its problems. On the other hand, I know a couple where the guy hated the idea and his wife was totally happy to do it by herself. He is a very good father now.

It is horses for courses, not a one size fits all deal. An attitude to a scan is in no way correlated to how a father subsequently relates to his baby.

flowerybeanbag · 16/09/2010 10:22

Well in my mind it's not about enjoyment, nor is it about bonding or about how good a father the man will be, it's about support for his partner. I found scans nerve wracking as well, but that's tough really, it's not optional for the woman however terrifying she might find it, and the idea of my DH not having been there when I had my bad news is unthinkable.

nunnie · 16/09/2010 10:24

My DH has tried to come to all my scans and consultant appointments, my 20 week scan showed a problem that required me to be rescanned, it was DH being there and listening that made me keep it together, I heard problem and swithced off. I went for my follow up scan 2 weeks ago and because there was no one to have DD my DH sat in the waiting room with her, the problem has worsened and I just wanted to curl up, I took nothing in and DH wasn't there to listen, DH now feels dreadful for not being there to support me. He bought DD a colouring book and came in the consultant meeting with her which made it easier as he asked all the questions I wasn't sure I wanted answers to.
The problem is treatable after birth, but it doesn't make it any easier.
Like I said my DH felt and still feels awful for not being in the scan.

I am glad he has changed his mind, as I have seen it from both aspects, him being there for one lot of news and not for the other, and I know which we both prefer. Not saying anything will show up, but if it does you need each other.

motherinferior · 16/09/2010 10:37

'To be honest, babies are all pretty similar in scans anyway'...no they're not. That's the point of the scan. It picks up anomalies. That's why it's called an anomaly scan.

Like Flowery says, many women don't find scans a whole bundle of laughs. I was terrified. Would much preferred not to have gone. Same with the birth, actually.

memphis83 · 16/09/2010 10:40

i had 7 scans, 1st being at 6 weeks, as i had a lot of problems only the 1st one dh couldnt come to due to hospital policy, he came to all the others, our 20 week scan was amazing, as they check heart and organs we got talked through it all and it was the 1st time it felt real for him, he welled up when we found we were having a boy, we went straight to the shops after to buy a boy outfit, which he picked, and then went home and booked a 3d scan so we could see him again! so glad your partner changed his mind, im sure he will find it amazing!!

larrygrylls · 16/09/2010 10:46

Flowerybeanbag,

It is actually optional for the woman. No scan is mandatory. Plenty of women who want their baby "whatever" choose not to have the 20 week scan.

Motherinferior,

Sorry, I should have said "normal" scans.

If something awful is found, you definitely need one another. However, I am not sure 30 minutes is going to make much difference one way or the other.

It depends on the couple concerned. Clearly you need to listen to one another and come up with a solution where both are comfortable. That solution is not necessarily both attending the scan.

flowerybeanbag · 16/09/2010 11:05

Yes I realise that. When I said it's not optional, I meant if the couple want to know whether or not the baby is ok, the woman has to go and doesn't have the luxury of deciding it's too nerve-wracking and letting her partner deal with it instead.

Horses for courses as you say, and if both are happy for the woman not to have her partner there, then great. As I say, to me it would be unthinkable to either be on my own or to in fact have anyone other than my DH with me in the event of something being wrong, and my DH would agree with me. There's no way he would have let me go on my own even if I'd been happy to do so.

flowerybeanbag · 16/09/2010 11:10

I apologise if I am coming across as overly critical. It's just something I feel very strongly about for obvious reasons.

I've had three scans where something has been wrong, and twice it resulted in losing the baby so from that point of view I find it incredibly difficult to comprehend people who either view it as purely an opportunity to see the baby and find out the sex, or who don't feel it necessary or important for partner to attend and support.

LadyintheRadiator · 16/09/2010 11:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

motherinferior · 16/09/2010 11:22

Larry, you're not making sense. The 30 minutes of that scan is, by definition, the 30 minutes during which an anomaly - of which you previously were probably completely unaware, because otherwise you'd have had it flagged up before, obviously - is spotted. So you've got that slot of time. During which 'something awful' as you put it, is possibly found.

I would rather have my partner there, during that slot, than not.

larrygrylls · 16/09/2010 12:03

All of you,

Fair enough. I am not making a case for someone not being there, I am just saying each individual couple can make their own decision without people casting a moral judgement upon it.

LadyintheRadiator,

I mean exactly what I say. Plenty of women choose not to have this scan. Personally, I would choose to have it as there are plenty of treatable conditions and, also, we would not choose to bring a very handicapped baby into the world. Again, that is a very personal decision.

Motherinferior,

What I mean is that, if the hospital is close, the woman who has had the scan will be with her partner in 30 mins where you can confront the problem together, comfort one another and make whatever decision needs to be made.

You are absolutely within your rights to want to have your partner there. Speaking personally, my wife feels able to deal with whatever comes along until she can get to a mobile phone or come home.

flowerybeanbag · 16/09/2010 12:38

by larrygrylls Thu 16-Sep-10 12:03:53

"my wife feels able to deal with whatever comes along until she can get to a mobile phone or come home"

Good for her. I assume and hope she's never been in the situation where the worst happens and and won't be. However if she is, she'll find you don't get to just 'come home'. You wait around, and see other doctors, perhaps have a repeat scan to confirm the results, and have the options laid out for you to decide. I was in such a state I needed actually physical support from my DH to walk across the hospital to the places I had to go. A phone call isn't enough.

So although I may be wrong to do so, I'm afraid do judge men who don't think it's important to be there, although I do know many make that decision without having thought through what the scan is actually for and therefore what might happen.

larrygrylls · 16/09/2010 12:43

Flowerybeanbag,

We have been in the position of a missed miscarriage at a 12 week scan but luckily nothing worse than that (although it felt pretty bad at the time).

A phone call could consist of "come here, now" if necessary.

Anyway, this is a crazy argument. All I am saying is that it is wrong to make moral judgements on the basis of who does or does not attend a scan as at least one poster above did, actually questioning what kind of a father the man would make!

PickleSarnie · 16/09/2010 12:53

A missed miscarriage but "luckily nothing worse than that".

I'm trying but failing to see what could be worse than being told my unborn child had died. There is no way I could have coped with that on my own. Perhaps I'm just weak or something?!

Habbibu · 16/09/2010 13:11

"However, I am not sure 30 minutes is going to make much difference one way or the other. "

larry, when I was in the scan room, and they told me that my girl, who I could see wriggling on the screen, and feel inside me, had no skull and would die, having dh hug me immediately was incredibly important. I didn't know what pain was until that day. I'm no sap, believe me, but the devastation of losing our daughter stays with me to this day.

Subsequent scans made me and dh so nervous we'd almost be throwing up on the way to the hospital - thankfully, we now have dd2 and ds, with a molar pg in between. I know DH hated every scan after the one that told us the terrible news - so glad he always was with me.

flowerybeanbag · 16/09/2010 13:21

PickleSarnie not to take anything away from anyone else's experience, but for me, having experienced miscarriage before 12 weeks and losing a baby at 22 weeks due to a fatal medical condition, the second was much much worse.

PickleSarnie · 16/09/2010 13:54

Flowery, totally didn't mean to make it into a "what's worst" competition so sorry if my comment was insensitive. Both are completely devestating. I just found Larrys comment about "nothing worse than that" quite flippant in the context of things. To be told at a 12 week scan that your baby has died must be fairly devestating.

flowerybeanbag · 16/09/2010 13:57

No no not at all, don't worry, not insensitive honestly, and not taken as a 'what's worst' competition in any way. Just an observation that despite agreeing with you that some of Larry's remarks including 'nothing worse than that' were a bit flippant in the case of devastating news, I do actually agree with him than there are worse things, in my experience.

larrygrylls · 16/09/2010 16:18

Not flippant. I was downplaying it compared to the terrible experiences of late miscarriage (or terrible handicap) that people have posted on here.

It was horrible at the time. However, I know one person who lost a twin two weeks before due date. I know someone else who had a 3 year old in hospital for the best part of a year and nearly lost her. Those are truly devastating events and I would not want to compare the two.

I honestly think that, although there is a loss of potential in early miscarriage, it is the way one in five pregnancies end and is nature's way of saying that that particular embryo was just not viable. The embryo at that stage is a fairly undifferentiated mass of cells. I think that early miscarriage is one of those things that is not talked about nearly as much as it should be, leading people to be far more upset than if they knew the one in five reality, and the fact that it probably has no effect on one's ability to have a healthy baby thereafter.

lucielooo · 16/09/2010 17:19

"However, I know one person who lost a twin two weeks before due date. I know someone else who had a 3 year old in hospital for the best part of a year and nearly lost her. Those are truly devastating events and I would not want to compare the two"

Is this sort of thing really helpful? Particularly on a pregancny forum.