really need some advice...

[lolalo]

Hi.

Firstly, I'm sorry if this post offends or upsets anyone, and if I have maybe posted it in the wrong sub-forum - if there is anywhere more appropriate I can move it to please let me know.

I found out I was pregnant on Monday - I'm currently five weeks.

I had a feeling I was last Thursday as I had missed my period and my breasts were very tender etc, but I'm not very regular with my periods and though it may come on in a few days - I went out on Friday for a friend's birthday and had a few drinks, and now I feel really guilty.

I've been with my boyfriend for on and a half years, and he was with me when I found out.

He's adamant I should have an abortion - he argues that we're too young (I'm 21, he's 19) and that we're not ready for this kind of commitment.

I'm quite certain that if I do have this baby, he won't be a support for me in terms of emotionally, and I'm not sure how he will react to the baby.

In some respects I agree - I'm currently an administrator on £15k, whilst he is a student who is going to uni in Sunderland in September (we live in Greater Manchester).

I still live at home, and I'm not sure what kind of effect it will have on my family - I haven't told them so far, and I hate keeping things from them, but I feel I need to make the decision in my head first.

His family aren't the greatest - there's history of alcoholism and depression and I'm not sure if I would want that kind of situation around my child.

Despite all the reasons perhaps not to have the baby, I think I want it - I keep changing my mind at least 3 times a day, and I'm terrified of making the wrong decision.

I've always wanted children, I'm quite maternal despite my age and I'm not really interested in going out clubbing etc - I just want to settle down and be the best parent I can be.

I have some concept of how hard it will be to raise a child as a single mother, and I'm worried I won't be able to provide the kind of life I want for the baby - I always wanted to be married and secure financially so I could give my children the best.

I'm booked in for a consultation with Marie Stopes in two weeks - I have done this to keep my options open, and also because I feel my boyfriend has been pressuring me to do so.

I just feel that he doesn't understand why this could be a difficult decision for me.

Sorry for the long post, I just need to get it all out as at the moment I have no-one to talk to.

First of all, I have no experience of termination. But I have seen others posting on here alot to say that if there is any doubt in your mind about the termination, even just 1% then dont do it. And certainly dont do it just because your boyfriend is putting pressure on you. It will cause resentment towards him.

I had my first child at 20, I was a single mother because he did walk out on us when he was 2 months old. I coped. I am now married with another little boy and one on the way :)

It has to be YOUR decision. Not from the pressures around you x

I have just had to decide what to do. I am pregnant with number 4 and whilst have the finances and relationship to support the child it was unplanned and we did agonise over it. Whilst my situation is very different I can understand the range of emotions you feel. You have to make the decision based on what is best for you. You sound as if you understand both sides of the argument but are coming down on the side of having the baby. If that is how you truly feel then dont let anyone pressure you into anything else. It wont be easy but neither will dealing with the regret of a termination. You have to do what is best for YOU.

Hi Julezboo,

thanks for your post - it makes sense.

I suppose in a way I'm worried about the future too - in terms of how will I ever get married etc. I know this is a really selfish thing to think.

I know quite a few people who have had children at a younger age than me, and I must admit I feel if they can do it then so can I - I'm just scared of the future and how I will cope with everything on my own.

I had a termination when I was your age. I have never regretted it because it was the right choice for me. I was 100% sure that it was what I wanted to do.

Tbh I would ditch your boyfriend and then come to your own conclusions. You are clearly far more emotionally mature than him, most 19 year old boys are still children themselves and if he is telling you now that he doesn't want this baby then you are right to think that you can't expect any emotional support from him, although through the CSA he will have to support the child financially.

Don't rush your decision, you are only 5 weeks and you have time to really think this through. My advice is to go with whatever your gut instincts are telling you, and don't listen to other people, listen to yourself.

Don't feel guilty about the alcohol, I got utterly plastered before I had a positive pregnancy test with my DS, and did the same again with this pregnancy. :)

Hi Benadoli

Thanks for your post - I suppose everyone has the same worries, and there's never a right time to have a child!

at the moment the only person I have to speak to regarding this is my boyfriend, who has made his feelings quite clear.

Whilst I know I should listen to myself, it has been difficult not to be swayed by him.

I feel so so lucky at the fact that I can even concieve when so many people can't,as I was worried that that would be the case in the future.

I think I need to tell my parents, which is something I'm really really worried about, as I'm not sure how they will react...

Hi Ali (wouldn't want to risk spelling your name wrong!)

I agree about my boyfriend - I am quite emotionally mature for my age, and this situation has just proved that he is not the type of person I want to be with... however after 1.5 years it will be quite difficult to make the break, but I'll have to put my baby and myself first.

I'm worried about how everyone will react, particularly my parents - I'm so afraid of them being dissapointed in me.

Hi Kiki

thanks for your post!

At first I think they will be very shocked, but they are supportive and I do believe they would help me as much as possible - they have helped me so much over the years and I feel guilty for bringing this on them.

I actually think my mum would be over the moon after a while, as she's always going on about hurrying up and having granchildren, however I think she meant in a different situation!

lolalo I have never been faced with this decision so can't really say exactly how I would feel, but I don't need to, I think you have that pretty clear in your head - it sounds like you would want to continue the pregnancy, you're just worried about the future for you and the baby. This is perfectly natural, and everybody who is pregnant has these worries, regardless of situation, relationship or whatever, it's a daunting thought no matter who you are.

The only advice I can offer is not to let yourself be pressure into making a decision that is not right for you deep down. The fact that you have said 'you feel so lucky' that you can even conceive when many people can't tells me that you are already seeing this as a blessing.

Whatever you decide you have time to think it through, and it is useful to think of all the ramifications - if you terminate, how might you feel in 5 years, how might you feel if you later can't concieve?

I think telling your parents, although hard, is a good idea as either way you are going to need some support and it sounds like your boyfriend might not be the right person to provide this.

Lots of wise words here from other mnetters, so until you have some RL support (and of course even when you do!), lean on the wise ladies here.

D

lolalo re your parents and having grandchildren etc. they will no doubt be surprised/shocked initially, but we're really talking about something wonderful happening at a different time than planned, not about something terrible happening.

FWIW, I'm early 30s, married, with house/job etc. and this still happened for me at a different time than planned, age isn't the only factor there!

D

Hi D

thank you so much for your post - I do see him/her as a blessing and even though I'm am really scared and worried about the future, I know what the right thing is to do.

I think I just needed it confirming from other people what I wanted - I find it easier to see both sides of the argument and so I've been in limbo all this week!

I think if you are unsure you will likely regret your decision if you terminate.

You sound like a balanced normal stable person, that's what children need. Do what is right for you and try not to stress too much about your partner. He is still only young, even if you do split hopefully when he is finished with uni he will be able to act like a parent should and help you out finacially as well as emotionally and practically.

Good luck whatever you choose.

Hi Kiki

agreed - I do think they will help me as I know they care about me and only want what's best - I'm just afraid of their initial reaction as I really care what they think of me and how my actions affect them, and I wouldn't want to put any stress on them.

Hi Sanielle

thank you, I hope that he will eventually want to be a part of his/her life, as I want my child to have that support.

I know I would try to be the best possible parent for my child, and even though no doubt I'll make mistakes, I will always act in his/her best interests and work as hard as I can to provide a stable and loving home for them.

I do think we'll split - we have discussed it and I don't see how I could really stay with him when he feels this is a "mistake that has to be lived with"!

Sounds a bit like your mind is already made up....

Your parents will be chuffed to bits when they get over the shock and you are 21 not 15 so they shoudn't be too horrified anyway.

I think so Sanielle - think I should speak to my boyfriend first about my decision before telling my parents. not looking forward to that ...

Hi
I had a termination when I was your age. It was a joint decision between my now dh and me. We are still together and now nearly 40. I think Dh regrets it but I dont. It was the right decision for me at the time and I dont think about it at all. We went on to have 2 children together when the time was right.
You dont sound as though it is the right decision for you tbh.

Hi rainbowinthesky

thanks for your post, I agree that it doesn't seem to be the right decision for me - I do think if I did have a termination I would regret it in the future, and I don't think I could live with that.

Hi Lolalo,

I was in a similar situation to you, not directly the same, but: I was with my DP for 6 months when I fell pregnant. He wanted me to have an abortion, my family can't help financially. I'm 22 (21 when I found out) and he's 26 and we both have ok jobs with potential of getting better one, so in that sense it's different.

I haven't admitted this on Mumsnet yet, but I actually made it all the way to the Marie Stopes clinic, for my booked abortion. Facing the prospect of abortion was a really good step because it made me realise that there was NO WAY I was having an abortion to make DP happy.

If you find it easy to see both sides of the argument, it makes it difficult to make YOUR choice, but in the end that's what you have a right to do. Your boyfriend doesn't have to be involved with the baby, but if you have an abortion you don't want, that's something you will carry with you. At least, that's how I saw it.

Best way to make the decision in my experience is: a) knowing that it might mean splitting up from partner, and being ok with that. b) having thought about all the issues and being willing to face those. c) making sure it is your decision and nobody has pressured you into making it.

If it helps, I am so glad I kept it. DP has gotten very involved but even if we had broken up, I'd still be glad. At first, the baby was, as you mentioned, a 'mistake that has to be lived with for him' but I gave him time, and he's now acting like a proud father, boating about it to people etc, and we're only 17 weeks. People do genuinely come round, but even if he doesn't, you can make things work.

Maybe get some counselling? I went to a Brook centre about 4 times and they were great. Would strongly recommend!

Hi Lolalo,

I was in my 2nd year at university, living with partner and just turned 21 when i unexpectedly found out i was pregnant so i know how you feel. I know if my other half hadnt have supported me it would have put doubts in my mind as to what on earth i should do but luckily he is 7 years older than me and therefore was much more ready for children than i was! i had a little boy who is now 2 and a half, it was very very tough for the first year trying to adapt to the world not being all about 'you' but about your little one but i got through it and now am expecting a little girl in october. :)

its scary the thought of going it alone, but tell ur mum, get her support on board and im sure she will make you feel a lot better. You will manage, and it will in no way stop you ending up in a happy relationship later on. Just enjoy being pregnant and look forward to all those special 'Mummy' moments to come!

Good luck whatever you decide!

Hi Mahraih

Thanks for sharing that - I know it must be say it on here so I really appreciate it!

I think I feel okay about splitting up if we need to - I've no doubt it will hurt but first and foremost at the moment is my baby - I've found it very hard to talk to my boyfriend about it due tohow strongly he feels at the moment about it, but I think I need to get across to him that this is the decision I've made.

Thanks for your post xx

Hi YummyMummy

thanks so much for your post, I really appreciate it!

I know things will be hard but I think I'll get a lot more out of it, like you said those moments will make up for all the sleepless nights and hard work! xx

Just wanted to post and say congratulations on your pregnancy. You will be OK. You sound like you'll be a great mum.

Thank you LittleSilver - that really means a lot! xx