really need some advice...

[lolalo]

Hi.

Firstly, I'm sorry if this post offends or upsets anyone, and if I have maybe posted it in the wrong sub-forum - if there is anywhere more appropriate I can move it to please let me know.

I found out I was pregnant on Monday - I'm currently five weeks.

I had a feeling I was last Thursday as I had missed my period and my breasts were very tender etc, but I'm not very regular with my periods and though it may come on in a few days - I went out on Friday for a friend's birthday and had a few drinks, and now I feel really guilty.

I've been with my boyfriend for on and a half years, and he was with me when I found out.

He's adamant I should have an abortion - he argues that we're too young (I'm 21, he's 19) and that we're not ready for this kind of commitment.

I'm quite certain that if I do have this baby, he won't be a support for me in terms of emotionally, and I'm not sure how he will react to the baby.

In some respects I agree - I'm currently an administrator on £15k, whilst he is a student who is going to uni in Sunderland in September (we live in Greater Manchester).

I still live at home, and I'm not sure what kind of effect it will have on my family - I haven't told them so far, and I hate keeping things from them, but I feel I need to make the decision in my head first.

His family aren't the greatest - there's history of alcoholism and depression and I'm not sure if I would want that kind of situation around my child.

Despite all the reasons perhaps not to have the baby, I think I want it - I keep changing my mind at least 3 times a day, and I'm terrified of making the wrong decision.

I've always wanted children, I'm quite maternal despite my age and I'm not really interested in going out clubbing etc - I just want to settle down and be the best parent I can be.

I have some concept of how hard it will be to raise a child as a single mother, and I'm worried I won't be able to provide the kind of life I want for the baby - I always wanted to be married and secure financially so I could give my children the best.

I'm booked in for a consultation with Marie Stopes in two weeks - I have done this to keep my options open, and also because I feel my boyfriend has been pressuring me to do so.

I just feel that he doesn't understand why this could be a difficult decision for me.

Sorry for the long post, I just need to get it all out as at the moment I have no-one to talk to.

Lola, you mentioned 'doing the best thing for me and my baby' which sounds pretty clear to me.

Your body, your decision.

You also mention your parents. They must know that you've been having sex and with that they'll know there is a possibility of pregnancy however careful you are. I wouldn't say this if I didn't feel that you wanted to keep your baby but can you imagine telling your mum that you've had a termination? What do you think would upset her more?

i dont know why but i never really thought i had the option to terminate, not that im against them as before getting pregnant i always said i would have had an abortion - being so young, but as soon as i found out - apart from being in shock! - i just always knew i would keep it.

And im not one of your normal 'wants a big family and loves babies' women, i was always the 'dont bring the baby near me!' type of girls! so to say my family were shocked at how well i coped is an understatement!

If you prepare youself for a few hard years (hard, but rewarding years!) then you will definately get through it, my little boy is at such a lovely age now i can see all that hard work paying off and im so glad i did it. Im also even more proud of still getting my degree despite being pregnant and having a newborn to contend with!

Do you think your partner may just be in shock and panicking? Like others have said he may well get used to the idea if you do decide to keep the baby and it may make him grow up a little. But just make ur decision based on what YOU want. No body else, if you want the baby you will cope no matter what your situation if you want to. Im sure you'll be a lovely Mummy!

Hi spiritmum

thanks for your post - to be honest if I did have a termination I wouldn't tell her, as I know she would be dissapointed. We have discussed it before and she has said that she would be all for keeping a baby, but I suppose in real life the reaction could be a little different (not saying she would want me to terminate, but she may be angry shocked etc)

I've had steady boyfriends from the age of 16, so they're definitely aware!

I'm more worried about my dad tbh - we don't really talk about this kid of thing and he has recently been made redundant as well, so I'm a bit worried of his reaction...

Hi yummumummy

so glad everything has worked out for you - whilst I'm sure I have no idea of how hard it will be, I think I'm ready for it!

to be honest I don't think it is a case of just being shocked - we have discussed before and he has been adamant that he doesn't want children at any stage - however hopefully that will change when this little one comes along!

If we stay together thats great, but more importantly I want him to be there for him/her, and if that means not being together then thats fine as well! xx

...being 21 isnt actually THAT young for gettig pregnant, like you said youre not really that into going out and getting drunk anyhow and you have a decent income even if your partner doesnt. You will get plenty of tax credits to help you out and can then get help with child care costs if you decide to return to work after baby arrives like i did.

I seriously thought my mum would be disappointed with me getting pregnant at 21, so (feel so silly saying this now!) i wrote her a note and stuck it on her bed when i went round to visit her one day, she found it that night and called me saying i was silly for ever thinking she would be angry/disappointed with me and that she was happy. so your parents may well shock you once you tell them!

Just wanted to say congratulations on your pregnancy.

You will cope.

There will be hard times with or without your partner, with or without the support of your family, but from the tenor of your op I have no doubt at all the hard times would be so much worse if you were to terminate. You love the life growing inside you already - it shines through your writing. Now you can give yourself permission to bond and acknowledge those feelings.

Best of luck to you all.

That was another thing I was worried about RE the financial situation, but I think I'll have to have a sit down and see what I'm actually eligible to get!

I know my parents will be okay eventually, it's just nervewracking telling them! I've wanted to tell them since I've found out but bottled it!

Hi barristermum

thanks so much for your post - it's really nice to hear from other people that how I think I feel is correct - thanks so much for your message! xx

Hi, lola, I didn't think you'd tell her if you did have a termination but at least you know what her preference would be, even if she is angry/shocked about you having a baby. I only planned one of mine (I was 30 when I had my first) and it was a massive shock to all of us!

Your dad will come round - imagine him in 9 months time!

FWIW my bil has just had a baby, he 'didn't want it' and put lots of pressure on his partnet to have a termination. She didn't and he's now a very happy, proud dad who does every night feed! But his partner woudl have made the same decision even if he'd left her.

You're going to be such a great mum!

Aww i feel happy you seem more positive about the situation having talked it through! If you ever want to talk to someone on here i will always help you out as i know what i went through - even if your situation is slightly different, the age thing was the same!

Different people deal with things in different ways, and boys do tend to be more mentally immature than women for their age anyhow so its understandable how hes reacting even if its wrong. Once you have decided what you want to do, if he supports you then great, if he doesnt, like you say you can manage perfectly fine on your own and then if he comes around and you are willing to forgive him then he may well end up being a lovely Dad!

Hi spiritmum and YummyMummy

thanks so much for your posts- so nice to have the support on here!

my dad was a sucker for me when I was little, so I'm sure he'll absolutely love having a mini-me around!after me my parents couldn't have children, so I think it'll bring a lot of happiness to them eventually!

If my boyfriend decides to come round thats great - but like you said if he doesn't then I will manage ion my own and do the best I can.

YummyMummy - thanks so much, may take you up on that! xx

I'd echo YummyMummy1208, your partner might just be panicking.

My DP panicked and said some nasty things, but once I told him I was definitely keeping it, no other option, he had to deal with it. Also, yes, I'm sorry to say it but boys are more immature I think.

Also consider that it's easier for him to say an abortion is the right thing because the baby isn't IN him and he doesn't have a bond with it yet. He also doesn't have to face the reality of going through with it.

Just be ready to be forgiving, if you still love him, as he may do as other women on this board have said, and start to

Your boyfriend needs to know how an abortion would affect you (this made a huge difference with my DP), and that you are willing to do it without him. After that, it's his decision how to respond.

Oh, and also, don't let him guilt trip you! Maybe he won't, but DP tried to with me (probably unconsciously), saying how difficult it was for him etc etc, how a baby would change his life forever etc etc.

You shouldn't be made to feel guilty for not wanting to go through a medical procedure that would produce a result you don't agree with!

Hi Mahraih

a lot of that makes sense- he has said some nasty things and I think my indecision isnt helping him - I have tried to explain what will happen during the abortion but he thinks taking the tablets will be easy!

I'm going to tell him that i'm keeping him/her, with our without him, and see what happens. I have a feeling his mum will want to be very involved, which is good, and maybe she can encourage him. xx

Hi lola
well you're posts show pretty clearly that you don't want a termination! If that is the case, don't do it for anyone else. Your relationship is not likely to last if you resent him for making you terminate when you didn't really want to.
Will you stay living with your parents? You can share a room with the baby for a good while after the birth to allow you to save up and move out. There is a fair bit of financial support out there for lone parents.
Doesn't sound like your P will be able to contribute financially for a while if he is off to university.
I can see why he only sees the pregnancy as an 'annoyance' tbh. Men are simply not as emotionally involved with pregnancy as women, even men who plan a pg with their partner and want the baby are not - that comes with time, as the pg stops being an abstract concept and starts becoming a baby. At the moment it is just an abstract to him. That's not to say he should not try to understand it from your pov - but a 19 year old lad just off to uni isn't likely to be emotionally mature enough to do that well, IMO. That's not to say he won't necessarily be involved in time. It sounds like you know what you are doing though, best of luck!

Hi EricNorthmansMistress (love that by the way!)

I will try and stay living with my parents for as long as possible I think - I'd want to support nearby and also financially it would help!

agree about the man thing, he doesn't quite see him/her as a baby at the moment, just cells - hopefully he'll change his view on things down the line! xx

hiya lolalo.

sorry for what your going through at the moment its a very hard thing. if you have doubts about a termination dont do it, it will be something you regret for rest of your life, only you can decide what you want to do.
i fell pregnant with my 1st when i was just 17, id been with my partner for 5 months, and he was my 1st boyfriend, he was 19 (just like yours) I knew straight away i couldnt have a termination, but my partner made it clear he didnt want the baby, so isaid to him i love you, but im not gonna get rid of the baby so if you dont want it then just walk, he chose to stay, but remained very immature throughout me been pregnant we split up a number of occasions, but was back together when ds was born. im still with him now ive just turned 20 and now expecting my 2nd, which wasnt really planned. but its a scary prospect but i know i can do it. things change when you have the scans and everything, so hes probably just abit shocked at the moment. but im sure whatever happens you will make a great mum xx

hi beckie

thanks so much -i'm going through moments of being really optimistic and then crashing and being really scared - I don't want to be on my own but if that's the case then that is his decision.

I'm going to try and talk to him this weekend and let him know how I feel - I can't blame him for how he's feeling but he needs to understand how I feel as well! xx

Just thought I would mention in case with all the anxiety you forgot. Whatever happens get yourself down the shops now for some folic acid!! It is only important during the first trimester- not something to be left until later. It really matters as it hugely reduces the risk of many birth defects.

Good luck! :)

Hi Sanielle

way ahead of you - going to get some after work! thank you! xx

thats true, men think its all about them, what they dont realise is that actually having a child doesnt normally effect there life well it asnt my partner anyway, he just goes out when he wants just put it this way he still has the same life as he did before its mine thats changed which is expected.
you will go through plenty of emotions its only normal, and its ok to be scared after all its a totaly life changing thing, but its not a bad thing. and if this is what you want you will beable to do it with him or alone dont worry, im sure when you have told your parents and when they come round poperly they will give you amazing support.
if it does turn out that he doesnt want to be involved which im sure wont be the case. then just remember you have all the credit for doing this amazing thing by yourself, and it will make you feel so proud that this is your work that you have done :) xx

lolalo
i think the fact that you're posting on MUMsnet is telling: clue's in the name!

Be strong, follow your heart. Everything happens for a reason. Whatever you decide in the end.

I would go to see Marie Stopes people, they are there to counsel and support you not just to provide abortions. Hopefully you will find someone sympathetic and not "involved" to talk it through.

Best of luck!!!

Hi Beckie - thanks for your message, it's true that I will be proud of myself either way, thank you!xx

Hi stripes02- haha i suppose it is! Thanks for the advice, I definitely think ti will help to talk to someone (just posting on here has been really helpful!) xx

Sorry my little monster played up over lunch so only just maanaged to get back on.

Few things. DH is not the father of my first born. DS1's father was in his life for the first 2 years or so then contact gradually decreased and the last time he saw him was his 3rd birthday. He's 8 now! BUT he sees my husband as his dad, Calls him dad and in my mind DH is his dad.

With regards to how you will cope. Dont let this next part frighten you, it is very rare! My ds1 was born at 31 weeks after I developed pre-eclampsia, the day he was born I had an eclamptic fit which caused stroke like symptoms due to swelling on my brain. I was in a coma for 8 days and didnt get to see my boy until he was 10 days old as I was moved to another hospital.

My family have only recently told me about this. Ex went to see DS is special care a total of 5 times whilst I was in the other hospital. And didnt come to see me once. It makes me angry but not much I can do to change it now. I told him to move out when DS was2 months old, just 4 weeks after he had come out of hospital. The first year of DS's life, most of it was spent in hospital. I coped, he refused to stay over, out of the probable 8/9 months DS was in hospital I had ONE nights break when his mother stayed! For the rest of the time I pretty much had NO sleep. But I coped! Because when you become a mother you are given a whole new loads of strength, I dont know where it comes from or how, but it does. I spent most nights in that hospital walking my son up and down the corridor just to get him to rest and sleep because he was poorly with his chest.

It's not that scary, you will cope because you have to. It cant be that bad because I am doing it all over again! 15 weeks pg now with my third! And already having sleepless nights!

As a single or low earning parent you will be entitled to tax credits and other benefits. 21 is not that young to have be pregnant nowadays and I bet after the initial shock your parents will be fine :)

you welcome just talk to him , and hopefully all will be good for you. good luck lolalo xx