really need some advice...

[lolalo]

Hi.

Firstly, I'm sorry if this post offends or upsets anyone, and if I have maybe posted it in the wrong sub-forum - if there is anywhere more appropriate I can move it to please let me know.

I found out I was pregnant on Monday - I'm currently five weeks.

I had a feeling I was last Thursday as I had missed my period and my breasts were very tender etc, but I'm not very regular with my periods and though it may come on in a few days - I went out on Friday for a friend's birthday and had a few drinks, and now I feel really guilty.

I've been with my boyfriend for on and a half years, and he was with me when I found out.

He's adamant I should have an abortion - he argues that we're too young (I'm 21, he's 19) and that we're not ready for this kind of commitment.

I'm quite certain that if I do have this baby, he won't be a support for me in terms of emotionally, and I'm not sure how he will react to the baby.

In some respects I agree - I'm currently an administrator on £15k, whilst he is a student who is going to uni in Sunderland in September (we live in Greater Manchester).

I still live at home, and I'm not sure what kind of effect it will have on my family - I haven't told them so far, and I hate keeping things from them, but I feel I need to make the decision in my head first.

His family aren't the greatest - there's history of alcoholism and depression and I'm not sure if I would want that kind of situation around my child.

Despite all the reasons perhaps not to have the baby, I think I want it - I keep changing my mind at least 3 times a day, and I'm terrified of making the wrong decision.

I've always wanted children, I'm quite maternal despite my age and I'm not really interested in going out clubbing etc - I just want to settle down and be the best parent I can be.

I have some concept of how hard it will be to raise a child as a single mother, and I'm worried I won't be able to provide the kind of life I want for the baby - I always wanted to be married and secure financially so I could give my children the best.

I'm booked in for a consultation with Marie Stopes in two weeks - I have done this to keep my options open, and also because I feel my boyfriend has been pressuring me to do so.

I just feel that he doesn't understand why this could be a difficult decision for me.

Sorry for the long post, I just need to get it all out as at the moment I have no-one to talk to.

Hi julezboo

thanks for your post - you should be very proud of yourself after everything thats hapenned!

part of my is really really excited, and the other is scared stiff! all your messages are really helping me, so thank you!xx

Hey Lolalo - Sounds like you know what you want to do, but I just want to tell you my experience.

Ive been in the exact same situation at a similar age, except my then DP (now DH) and I had only been together 3 months. I had a crap rubbish paid admin job and he was in his final year at uni.

I was terrified at being pg and DP was totally horrified. We had a complete contraceptive failure, broken condom then MAP that didnt work. I didnt know if me and DP would make it as a couple, let alone as parents. I loved kids and knew I wanted children one day, but I also knew in my heart that I really didnt want to be a single parent right at that moment. Yes there is lots of support out there for single parents But I didnt want a baby at that time in my life.

DP would never have abandoned me, but I dont think our relationship would have survived, and I would have had to leave my life in the big city and go back to live with my parents, which I would have hated.

So I made the v difficult decision to terminate, and I would say that it was the hardest decision I've ever made. But I know it was the right thing for me, at that time in my life. I wouldnt say that I've never regretted it, because I have on occasion, you never forget what happened. But I look at my wee family now, my then DP is now my DH and we have 2 beautiful much wanted and planned children. I really dont think we'd still be together now if I'd had that baby.

Good luck to you what ever you decide. I know how hard it is...

thank you beckie!

sunchild, thanks so much for your post - good to hear the other side of it!xx

just an update, my boyfriends dad is away this weekend, so I think I'll use it as an opportunity to talk about everything and see where he stands... really scared it won't be what I want to hear, but I'm prepared.

i would just like to say a massive thank you to you all, i only joined today and yet you have all been SO supportive and lovely!xxxx

Hey
I have no experience of having a termination but perhaps it would make sense for you to speak to a counsellor/someone totally impartial so that you can start to sort out your own thoughts about all of this?

It's a tough spot to find yourself in but whatever decision you make you have to do what's right for you. If you do decide to go ahead with the pregnancy then it might be tough at times but if it's what you want you will cope and there are sources of support out there.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

hey honeybee

thanks for your post - I think ym mind is made up, so now I just have to prepare myself for whats to come!xx

Good luck at the weekend, Lola. One thing being a mum has taught me is that we're all stronger than we know and whatever happens, you'll deal with it fine. I'm so excited for you, pregnancy is a lovely time. xxx

I got pregnant when I was 21. I wasn't in a great relationship, but have decided to keep it and now have a 8 yo boy. I (obviously) didn't regret it, ever, even though it meant struggling financially- but then I didn't have a stable job, as you seem to have and didn't have my family around to help.

Then, earlier this year, I had a termination as DD was just a year old and I really didn't have it in me to mother another child. I don't regret that decision, either, but I was very sure about it.

You sound very mature and if you have any doubts, do not go ahead with the termination. 21 is old enough for a child- you'll be barely 40 when she/he goes to uni!

Best of luck.

spiritmum, thanks so much, I'll keep you updated! I'm feeling strong at the moment but we'll see how it goes!

hi winnybella, thanks for your post, i admit my situation is not the best, but it is better than other people's and I need to remember how lucky I am to have a stable job and a supportive family - thank you!

the thought of only being 40 when they go to uni is very appealing haha! x

Lola come back and chat here if you need some support over the weekend.

On the boyf side - I split with my DS's Dad when I was 6 months pregnant (his decision). Very painful. BUT he actually ended up attending the birth and we got back together and were married for 10 years. Even though we have since divorced he has been a great Dad. I think a lot of what he was going through was just fear and wanting to run away. So... you may find out your boyf feels differently when he sees your baby - babies bring a lot of love into the world with them.

Best of luck!

I had a termination at your age. My boyfriend def didnt want to go ahead with pregnancy, but i didnt either. We eventually split up.
I knew that when i had a baby i def wnated to be in a stable relationship.

I'm not meaning to lecture cos you have to live with your conscience. If you will be plagued by feelings of guilt it can affect you for life.
I didn't feel guilty cos i had an early termination, and my life would have been so different.
I have a child and another on way, am happily married with nice home etc.
My child has an adoring dad as well as mum. that has to count for a lot.
I wish you the very best of luck making your decision. Its not easy.

Can you cope on your own?
Will you feel overwhelming guilt?
Do you have a supportive family?
Do you want an indefinate tie to your boyfriend and his family?
Good Luck