I'm pregnant with an unplanned third and my husband says no...

[mykidsmom]

I'm happily married with two girls: 6 and 4 years old. I confirmed yesterday I'm pregnant with an unplanned 3rd and unfortunately my husband is completely against it for multiple reasons: fewer opportunities to offer our children, division of attention between siblings, the diamond effect (one child often feeling left-out), less personal and travel time for our family, pressure on our finances, pressures on this already overpopulated globe etc. I've been in tears because the alternative is extremely sad and devastating to me. Conversely, to force my husband to have a third against his will could in fact destroy the wonderful family we already have. I don't know if I necessarily feel complete with two children but do know I'd feel less complete if our family fell apart. I can't imagine giving up a baby that could potentially be my girls' future sibling and don't quite know how I'll get over it. Will I ever? Has anyone been in my position? Please help...

it's only been a day - plenty of time for him (and you) to come to terms with everything. dd was unplanned. I was pretty hacked off for most of the pregnancy. dh went mental for about 24 hours then was fine with it. he was even more pleased when we found out she was going to be a girl - already had 2 boys. she slotted right in and the only noticeable increase in expense/hassle is holidays when it's harder to find rooms for 5 than for 4 - hardly a disaster!
give yourselves time. it'll all work out

Does your husband fully understand the reality of a termination, the process and the likely effects on you? Many people think it is just a simple solution to a simple problem.

Perhaps you need to explain to him exactly what he is asking of you, physically and emotionally.

Personally, I couldn't imagine going along with my partner's wishes in your position. I would hope that he could change his mind, but if not I would probably go ahead with the pregnancy anyway. I know that you are in an impossible dilemma as there will be problems either way but I couldn't imagine terminating a pregnancy for anyone.

I should say it took lots of tears and time before things settled down to me being pregnant with him still around for sure.

Part of me hates to talk about it but the other part is willing to give others hope. A paranoid part hopes my son never reads about it but I hope he realises how much he is loved by us both and has been since before he was born. Some time sit just takes time for ideas and expectations to adjust

Give him a few days, he may come round. If he doesn't please consider what you want carefully.

I have a friend who found herself in exactly the same situation as you. She had a termination as after 2wks he was still adamant and told her it would ruin their marriage if she went ahead. Well, she was devastated afterwards and never forgave him or herself. She left him 2yrs later and it was all just awful. He begged her to stay, told her he loved her. She loved him too but hated him at the same time.

She remarried last year and is now pg again (her termination was 6yrs ago)

I'm not saying this will happen to you but it's important to consider it may happen if you have a termination you don't want.
Good luck.

My dh didn't want to agree to us trying for a third but I won him round - he realised that I'd be sadder not having a third than he would be if we did.

Have 3 ds's and they get on really well, all of those things that your dh says are tiny, tiny issues. Sorry, but if he didn't want more children he should have taken contraception more seriously.

Not sure if you've ever discussed termination with your dh, but my dh knows that I would never ever consider it if I got pg again. I couldn't forgive my dh for not 'letting' me have a third child, until he agreed - unreasonable i know, but that's how I felt. I could never forgive him if he persuaded me to have a termination against my own judgement.

I also know someone whose relationship was destroyed by a termination that she reluctantly underwent. Very sad all round.

Do you think your OH might just be having a knee-jerk reaction?

i dont understand - i your husband was totally against having any more children why didnt he have the snip? otherwise you both knew that another child was a possibility? no contrception is 100%. This is not " your fault".

and how coudl you " force him to have a third"? i asuem you didnt hold him down and rape him!

you ARE having a third baby - this is not a theoretical discussion. your options are

(1)he pressurises you to have an abortion against your will. as other have said, this will be a very difficult thing to ever forgive and the guilt / anger might blow you apart. although you might feel in time that you did the best thing

(2) he leaves you and his other children, destroying your whole family and you bring up the 3 children alone. everyone ( including that child) will know that dad left because he didnt want them. i know that you might not tell them but secrets like that always coem out

(3) you both place the child for adoption

(4) another family member brings up the child

(5) he accepts that you BOTH made this baby and get on with making the best of it. just because the baby wasn't planned doens't mean that it needs to be unwanted

sorry i am am not feeling very sympathetic towards your husband

hope you can work it out together

My sympathy is a little stretched too. We had 2 dds 9 & 7 when I had our ds (unplanned). It was crap timing and I was terrified of telling dh. But he rose to the occasion (already had ) and was totally cool about it.

I hope that your dh comes round. It would never have been an option for me to have a termination (I'm one of those moralistic people who doesn't agree with them) but I really feel for you. Only you know how you might cope with any of the options which are open to you. I wish you all the luck in the world.

I think to have a termination,unless you are 100% sure that you don't want a baby,would mess you up horribly.I have seen friends fall apart emotionally after this and I think your husband can't have thought this through yet or he wouldn't be asking it of you.I don't see how you would ever forgive him if he pushed you into it,and how would your daughters feel? Small childern pick up on things without being told -My dd aged 2 told me "you have a baby in your tummy mummy,its a little girl".She was right,and I was only a few weeks preg at the time.I have a friend with 4 children who found out she was accidentally pregnant with twins.It was an enormous shock at the time for her,but they are fab and they are a lovely happy band of siblings now.Tell him if he is worried about one being left out you could always have a fourth.

Wow--thanks for all your input! My husband has thought about this seriously over the past 5 years and will not change his mind on the issue unfortunately. Is there anyone out there who might have a positive ending to this story? I'm not feeling hopeful.

Well, KristinaM has set out all the options, although she's skipped the one that goes, he decides to accept it rather than walking away from his family, but never forgives the situation, blames you for every marital stress from then on, etc.

But you seem to have made your mind up?

"I don't quite know how I'll get over it. Will I ever?" reads to me that because your husband wants you to terminate and you're sure he won't change his mind, you're going to do so.

Out of interest, if you kept the baby, do you think he would actually leave the family?

All I can add is what other people have already said. He made this baby too. It's your body, not his, so he's not really in a position to change his mind, seeing as you are already pregnant.
So, what is he saying? He's going to walk out?

I would never have an abortion because someone else wanted me too, be that my mother, my employer or the baby's father. That's not what abortion is for.

Can you give your husband a few days to let it sink in? A friend of mine had the same thing happen and they are now really enjoying their third kid (he's 6 months and lovely) but she said her husband was very upset at first...

If he is so deadset against it he should have had the snip. He made the decision not to get snipped, you can make the decision not to terminate.

Offer to take the 'lions share' of rearing the third DC, you would anyway...

Agree that he should have had the snip if he was adamant he didn't want another. He now has to take partial responsility for the situation.

Seriously - if you have an abortion even partly against your will you are going to resent him and regret it for almost ever. The only way to successfully have a termination is if it is what you want or if the baby is non-viable.

A friend of mine was desperate for a 3rd DC - her DH was adamant 2 was enough (similar reasons as you gave in the OP) but she persuaded him and he was very pleased she did in the end. But he did have the snip straight afterwards as well. They have boy, girl, boy - and are very happy with the situation.

You have to decide what you want to do - and then your DH has to decide how to cope with your decision.

Well, you already have a third baby don't you???
If he was sooo adamant for 5 years what has he done about it and why is he expecting you to pick up the shit now? If you are not 100% behind the termination it will wreck you life anyway.

Am in a similar situation. We had 2 and were done - financially, emotionally, size of the car and house.... Now I'm 6 months preg with third. The first few weeks we were both in shock but are both happy about it now.
But he's not coming anywhere near me without a snip after I have this baby...

You need to talk and talk and talk about how you feel and maybe show him this thread.

Good idea about showing the thread. Sometimes people can see reality better when it's written down.

Thinking about situations like this (you are not the only one, there have been a lot of people over the MN years with your issue) I find it VERY odd that the solution - for a man who does not want a 3rd child - would be to leave your current children. I'm not sure how that is supposed to make things better? He's perfectly happy with 2, but the thought of another baby is so fucking awful that he would willingly leave his wife and leave his children without a resident father? What does he have then? Nothing! Bizarre!

Assuming that you are very very early on, I would gracefully allow him a week to come to terms with it (though you have to tell him that you are doing this so he doesn't use the time to bury his head in the sand and forget about it).

Then I would broach discussion again. I would use that time to think about your options - how will you respond to everything that he could say.

Either he comes round, you decide to get an abortion, or he's not happy.

Your only real decision is what to do if he is still not happy. Basically, you either go and have an abortion even though you don't want one, or you give him an ulitmatum - you are keeping the baby and you love him, want him to stay, will he get past it?

You may have to choose between your marriage and your pregnancy. Not that it would be a willing choice, but be prepared.

If you dont want an abortion but are sure that you dont want to keep teh child, please considre adoption.

Your Dh has given a list of reasons -

"fewer opportunities to offer our children, division of attention between siblings, the diamond effect (one child often feeling left-out), less personal and travel time for our family, pressure on our finances, pressures on this already overpopulated globe"

• though these seem to me to be reasons why you would decide to stop at two children rather than reasons for a termination of your third. If he feels these reasons are so compelling , he can use them to explain to all your friends and family and your other children why you are placing the child for adoption.

there are many families waiting for a healthy baby and you could have some say in which one your child was placed with. You could also get ongoing information by way of a letter every year and photos of the child.

yes you will feel guilty and have regrets but you will WHATEVER option you choose. as another poster said, there is no way back now to the situation before you were pg.it cant be undone

i hope you find the decision that is right for you

i was in this situation a couple of months ago and was heartbroken cause i my hubby feels the same as yours. it took me a couple of days to tell him and he was in denial. we couldn't deal with it and i went for an appointment at a clinic. by the time i could have anything done there would have been a heartbeat and that's too late for me so after a lot of tears i just told him it was too late to do anything and i couldn't go through with an abortion so there was just no other option - i told him about the heartbeat and my issues over when does life begin so he realised there really was no other option. now we've both come to terms with it we're really excited about another baby. yes it will be very hard and he's worried about finances but i'm one of 3 kids so i know what i'm getting into and also how wonderful it is to have more than one sibling. give it a couple of weeks, see your doctor and any other appointments then see how you feel. my hubby also really wanted the snip after 2nd baby but i wouldn't let him don't think i'll be able to stop him now!

I fell pregnant with my 3rd (unplanned). DH and I were gutted for a few weeks (me more than him) but we got over it and we absolutely adore DS3.

A close friend of mine was in exactly the same position as you and felt pressured into having an abortion. She did go through with it reluctantly, having convinced herself that all her DP's reasons were valid. She ended up splitting from him 18 months later, the abortion being the major factor.

Sorry, I hope someone can come along with a more positive story but it still needs to be a decison that is right for all the famliy.

Not exactly the same situation but when I got pg with my first child my DH (was then boyfriend) was adamaent he didn't want me to have the baby, asked me to have an abortion, etc. He was quite cool for the whole pregnancy but fell madly in love with her when he saw her and has been a great dad.

If your DH was so against a 3rd child then he really needs to take some responsibility for this situation. He could have had the snip done before getting to this stage.

I'm sorry you're in this position, hope he comes round.