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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

I'm pregnant with an unplanned third and my husband says no...

69 replies

mykidsmom · 27/07/2010 23:11

I'm happily married with two girls: 6 and 4 years old. I confirmed yesterday I'm pregnant with an unplanned 3rd and unfortunately my husband is completely against it for multiple reasons: fewer opportunities to offer our children, division of attention between siblings, the diamond effect (one child often feeling left-out), less personal and travel time for our family, pressure on our finances, pressures on this already overpopulated globe etc. I've been in tears because the alternative is extremely sad and devastating to me. Conversely, to force my husband to have a third against his will could in fact destroy the wonderful family we already have. I don't know if I necessarily feel complete with two children but do know I'd feel less complete if our family fell apart. I can't imagine giving up a baby that could potentially be my girls' future sibling and don't quite know how I'll get over it. Will I ever? Has anyone been in my position? Please help...

OP posts:

EmmaKateWH · 29/07/2010 11:00

I am one of three - the "diamond" effect is total BS - making all of your children, no matter how many you have, feel equally loved and valued is an essential part of parenting more than one child - if your DH thinks inevitably if you have three one feels less loved and left out that is just not true.

SweetGrapes · 29/07/2010 13:32

What is the diamond effect? Just tried googling and didn't really get anything.
Am 3rd of 3 too. We're all fine.

ErnestTheBavarian · 29/07/2010 13:38

I've never heard it called diamond effect, here, it's called the sandwich child, and usually lovingly referred to as the tastiest bit of the sandwich

I'm sorry you're having to cope with this reaction. Seems like he wants to turn the clock back and pretend it's never happened, but he needs to understand that, out of all the possible options, is not an option, it's impossible. Making it go away (termination or adoption) would never bring you back to where you were before this began. He really needs to understand that, as many other have already said.

I really hope he comes round quickly. It must be an awful strain on you I cannot imagine my dh reacting like that, or how I would cope with such a reaction But I am absolutely sure I could not go ahead with a termination I did not want just because my dh did. Under normal circumstances, Your children would always, be your children, and always have a close and loving, often unbreakable bond. As someone else said, I cannot imagine putting someone over my child, unborn or not.

I wish you well and feel very sorry you are in this situation. Have you discussed with him some of the very important points raised here?

vmcd28 · 29/07/2010 16:12

I am appalled that a HUSBAND who had a healthy sex life with his WIFE is now threatening to leave her and two PLANNED children cos a third one is on the way?!

The reasons he gives for abortion are at best bizarre. You are a married couple with two kids, for Christ's sake, not teenagers who dont know how to prevent an unwanted pg in the first place.

If you WANT to have an abortion, then thats what you do, but I am not sure you would be asking for our advice if you wanted the same thing as he does.

Let us know how you're getting on.

toccatanfudge · 29/07/2010 16:58

to be fair to him on the sterilisation aspect - exH wanted the snip - he couldn't get it on the NHS where we lived - we had to pay - we simply didn't have the money. By the time we could have afforded it it was too late and I was pg with no.3 (who I wouldn't be without for the world)

EnglandAllenPoe · 29/07/2010 19:39

Conversely, to force my husband to have a third against his will could in fact destroy the wonderful family we already have

.....and coercing you into having an abortion will leave everything tickety-boo???

Candinha · 29/07/2010 19:56

I can only tell you my own situation now pregnant with DS3 unplanned and despite the original shock we are now cool about it. I have to say my DH was very supportive. Many years ago I had a termination from another relationship and despite having agreed to it, it finished that relationship off and I am still not over it ... I am worried you will never forgive yourself and never forgive your DH!

Sorry not sure this will help you in any way as your situation might be completely different.

Hope you are able to make the right decision for your family.

sarinha2203 · 29/07/2010 23:33

I think it is extremely unfair of your husband to expect you to have a termination. I can understand it must have been a shock to find out you are expecting but you two will soon get used to the idea and start making plans etc.

Be very careful with your decision - I know two different women who have had terminations and deeply regret it. Apparently you never get over it if it's something you don't really want to do deep down.
If you do have a termination ( which I am against anyway) it will quite possibly destroy your marriage anyway because there will be tension between you and you may blame your DH forever. I have 3 young children and I can't see that any of my kids feel left out or feel like they are the odd one out etc. Embrace your sheer luck of falling pregnant - I know many women who would love to have a baby and can't conceive or keep having miscarriages and here's you, sooo lucky to fall for a third time and you are considering a termination!

buttonmoon78 · 29/07/2010 23:49

Whoa Sarinha. I agree, I'm not pro-abortion but telling the OP how lucky she is to have conceived an unwanted child is not fair. I've been there and did not feel terriibly lucky or blessed at the time!

OP - I hope things are gradually becoming clearer for you. For neither OH nor for me was abortion an option but it was still a shock and we had to come to terms with it. I must admit that taking an 'option' away meant that we just had to deal with it. I would not want to be in your shoes for all the world.

Ozziegirly · 30/07/2010 02:57

Christ there are some utterly shit men out there.

atouchofreality · 21/04/2011 18:14

I know this is an old post but it resonates with me so I thought I'd respond. PG no 3 was unplanned (failed contraception), I went mental over it (similar issues as outlined above) but realised I couldn't force a termination. Agreed to go ahead but we both agreed some conditions including if anything went wrong with this one we would stop at 2 given the amount of distress it had caused us both. I'd previously wanted a vasectomy but my wife had insisted I didn't. In fact I'd tried booking an appointment with local NHS provider and was told my wife would have to come with me! And yes, I could have just gone ahead and done it privately and on the quiet, but I wouldn't have wanted to go behind my wife's back or wishes.
Anyway at the 13 week scan it had miscarried. Now, some 6 months on we're still arguing over having a 3rd.
Just because a man's reasons may be more based on logic than emotion doesn't make them less valid. It's likely that it's him who's going to take the lion's share of responsibility for financial support for the whole family for as long as it takes. And not wanting more kids is just as valid an emotion as wanting them.

suzikettles · 21/04/2011 18:23

It's a big shock for your both, but I agree with pretty much everyone else. Please don't have an abortion if you don't want one. It would almost certainly be the end of your relationship in any case.

I had a friend in a similar position to you (they didn't have any other children though) and she did terminate. She left him less than a year later. She couldn't forgive him.

suzikettles · 21/04/2011 18:23

Sorry - didn't realise this was almost a year old

theonlyhb2 · 21/04/2011 19:14

suzikettles, I know, i just read it all and I am wanting to know what she decided!!

moregranny · 21/04/2011 19:21

We had an unplanned 3rd pregnancy, not wanted but did not really want to terminate, decided to go ahead then at 19 weeks everthing went wrong, had to have major surgery, baby terminated and now 25 years on still feel distraught when I think about it, please dont rush into anything, at the end of the day it is just a baby and it doesn't have to change your life for the worse and it will be loved....I know now that mine would of been, x Thinking of you with a pain in my heart, x

del1 · 23/04/2011 19:53

I posted on here, the same as you about 15 weeks ago.
We have a 2 1/2 year old and a 9 month old.
I found out when I was only about 4 weeks pregnant. I knew DH wouldn't be impressed, but was not prepared for the rection I got.
He was distraught, and told me that we couldn't keep it. He didn't speak to me for about 2 weeks.
To keep the peace, I agreed, and went to the hospital for an abortion, when I was about 8 weeks. But when I got there, I sat in the car park and criedi my heart out.
I phoned him, and told him I couldn't go through with it, so went home. It took me a further 2 weeks before he started to get used to the idea.
I am now 20 weeks, and just had our scan. We are both still worried about money, car space, bedroom etc. But seeing the baby has made all of the doubts fade into the back ground.
When your DH sees your baby when it is born, will he look at it, and wish you had aborted it? Or will he love it like the other childen!
Imagine if you came into some money in a few months/year. How would he feel making you get rid of the baby?
I still feel resentment towards my DH, and if I think about what he put me through a few months ago, how he treated me, I get really angry with him.
What will your other children think when they are old enough to understand that their dad made mum abort a baby ( sorry thats a bit harsh, but trying to give you a different way of looking at things).
If you are not 100% behind having an abortion, then dont do it!! I really believe that you will always hold it against him.
Whilst your DH will be annoyed for what - another 7 months, he will end up loving this baby.
Good luck, hope you decide what is best for YOU x

del1 · 23/04/2011 19:56

Bloody hell, just realised this is a year old too!! I spent ages writing that !!

Jill72 · 23/04/2011 20:03

I wonder what she ever did????

mamaesi · 23/04/2011 20:42

i too had a reluctant husband who told me to get an abortion.

i went to a free counselling/abortion clinic and got the most amazing support ever. they gave me completely non biased support and advice and helped me realise that my decision to keep my baby was what i wanted and felt in my heart.

I realised that I could never go through with the abortion...and they helped me understand my options if in fact I would have to be a single mum and he did in fact leave.

he didnt and by the time I was 6 months he came around. After the birth he fell in love with me and the baby and we could not be happier. In fact now he is the he who wants more.

please get counselling. it is the best thing you can do!

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