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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

I'm pregnant with an unplanned third and my husband says no...

69 replies

mykidsmom · 27/07/2010 23:11

I'm happily married with two girls: 6 and 4 years old. I confirmed yesterday I'm pregnant with an unplanned 3rd and unfortunately my husband is completely against it for multiple reasons: fewer opportunities to offer our children, division of attention between siblings, the diamond effect (one child often feeling left-out), less personal and travel time for our family, pressure on our finances, pressures on this already overpopulated globe etc. I've been in tears because the alternative is extremely sad and devastating to me. Conversely, to force my husband to have a third against his will could in fact destroy the wonderful family we already have. I don't know if I necessarily feel complete with two children but do know I'd feel less complete if our family fell apart. I can't imagine giving up a baby that could potentially be my girls' future sibling and don't quite know how I'll get over it. Will I ever? Has anyone been in my position? Please help...

OP posts:

MumNWLondon · 28/07/2010 09:34

OP - are you asking has anyone been in this situation had an abortion and then just got on with their lifes as normal? To me this sounds very unlikely, esp when considering your situation.

I agree with Kristina - if these reasons are so compelling them they should be good enough to give the baby up for adoption.

However I don't think they are compelling reasons (other perhaps than pressures on finances, if finances really are very tight).

japhrimel · 28/07/2010 09:35

I agree that if he felt that strongly he should have had the snip.

A friend, many years ago, had an abortion because her partner at the time pushed her into it. She never forgave herself or him. The relationship fell apart and so did her mental health. An abortion is NEVER an easy option (and I'm pro-choice!) and a woman should never be forced into having one.

I think your OH needs to realise that forcing you to have an abortion could force your family apart far more surely than him accepting that you both messed up in getting pregnant again, but the pregnancy is now a fact to be dealt with, not something that can be disappeared.

KristinaM · 28/07/2010 09:39

OP - can i ask you somthing? for the last 5 years your husband has been sure that he didnt want any more children but you have both continued to have sex. What did you agree you would do if you conceived?

please don't say that neither of you thought it could happen because you are obviously intelligent people with two kids already so you knew that sex (sometimes) = babies

PosieParker · 28/07/2010 09:43

An accidental pregnancy within a secure relationship is not the responsibility of the woman to terminate. It is the responsibility of both parents to have the baby if the woman wouldn't find a termination easy. Asking you, demanding even, to terminate is very very wrong.

toccatanfudge · 28/07/2010 09:48

I found myself in this position nearly 4yrs ago.

exH didn't want anymore, he was adamant, he hadn't had the snip yet, we (At the time may have changed?) lived in one of the few areas in the UK where it's not automatically availabe on the NHS - we couldn't afford the money,

I always wanted more, but had "agreed" with just 2 children, but always had in the back of my mind that once DS2 was older I would broach the subject again.

Anyhow, careless night, failed MAP and I got a BFP.

exH's first response was

"what are the options - I told him keep it or terminate"

"Terminate then" he said.

I was - I knew he didn't want anymore but he'd always (afaik) been anti=abortion except in certain circumstances (and a careless night with his wife wasn't one of them.....).

Anyhow, I thought about it, posted on here, and told him I couldn't do it. I knew deep down that if I went along it I would forever resent him and that if our marriage survived the troubles we had already/were going through outside of the unplanned pg there was no way it would survive my resentment. He didn't accept easily, but he did agree to support me and the baby. Although it took a couple of months for him to come round and even be able to talk about it with me.

Sadly our marriage was already on rocky ground and although we clung on for 9 months after DS3 was born (and later tried again for a while) it wasn't to be.

However, he still loves DS3 (who's now 3) just as much as he does the others.........indeed for a while when DS3 was a baby he doted on DS3 so much I had to remind he had 2 older children !

sarah293 · 28/07/2010 09:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Gigantaur · 28/07/2010 09:54

it was unexpected. he has the right to be shocked and to worry how you will all cope.

he does not have the right to tell you to terminate.

any man that would even contemplate leaving his family because HE got his wife pregnant is an utter bastard and doesn't deserve the family he has.

goodlifemummy · 28/07/2010 10:39

OP I was in exactly the same situation as you about 15 weeks ago. We had a condom failure (which I had no idea about, but he says he knew ) and I became pregnant. When I told him he straight away said the only option was an abortion. Well, that was the obvious answer wasn't it? Just settled financially, twin 5 year olds, happy etc. I was so shocked, I never thought he would say those words to me. I was gutted, it took me only 10 minutes to come to terms with having another baby. I agreed to go to a consultation, but knew I couldn't go ahead with one. I had visions of him rushing in Eastenders style to stop me. A few days after the news had sunk in he decided we should just go ahead with the pregnancy. He decided he would rather keep me and the girls with him. If I had had an abortion that I didn't really want, I believe it would have cost us our marriage. I am 19 weeks now, and we are all thrilled. I really wish you all the best with your decision, but remember, you are the one who has to live with it more than him. Incidentally, before I got pregnant we were talking about vasectomies, and now, he won't consider it, how weird is that??

JCAS · 28/07/2010 10:43

I am 16 weeks pregnant with my 3rd child (unplanned)and my husband asked me to have a termination for the same reasons. I could understand where he was coming from and even went to the doctors to discuss a termination. I got in such a state at the doctors and knew I couldn't go through with it. Luckily my husband took one look at me when I got home and said we were keeping it! Now he is so excited and we are both looking forward to meeting DC3 so much. We have been through our finances and know we will be making sacrifices for a few years but we will manage. We have told DS and DD and they were so excited, I am sure this will not affect them too much.

Guadalupe · 28/07/2010 10:53

I was in your position exactly , could have written your post word for word. It's a horrible situation and you have my sympathy.

My husband had also just lost both his parents and was not in a very good mental state. He said he couldn't cope with another and the implication was that I would be on my own if I went through with it.

I couldn't go through with a termination that I didn't want though I did feel dreadfully guilty and sorry for dh. I felt I had to take the chance and it was hard, I couldn't mention the pregnancy for a long time and it was only really after the scan that he seemed to take an interest but by the time he was born things had improved and we actually got married three months later and things have been the best they ever have since.

Obv I don't know if it will turn out like that for you but I hope it does Good luck!

PfftTheMagicDragon · 28/07/2010 13:48

It just baffles me - he hasn't got exactly what he wanted, his situation has changed to something other than his ideal and the solution is to threaten fucking off?

I would let him.

How much can a man love his wife and children if he would be prepared to leave over a joint mistake? "I don't want a 3rd baby so I'll just bugger off and be without the 2 that did want"

.com

SweetGrapes · 28/07/2010 17:29

He does know that 'terminate' isn't just a word that means 'as you were'.
'Got rid' is not the same as 'never had'.

If your second had been twins, would he have buggered off then too?

naughtyameliajayne · 28/07/2010 20:32

i am in this exact same situation.

he has told me his 'only hope' is that he can bully me into a termination or there is something wrong with the baby at scan and then he'll be able to persuade me to have a termination.

he told me if i didnt have a termination he would kill himself.

he also said he didnt want the snip 'i would consider that a rather permanent last resort' ?????????!!!!!!!!!!!!

i know how i feel, i cannot go thro with a termination, i just cant do it. so i'm just waiting to see what he does.

he is being a completely selfish tosser. but hopefully he'll work his way through it.

you MUST do what is right for YOU - its you that has to live with this decision.

hippychick66 · 28/07/2010 23:23

I agree with everyone who has told you not to terminate. You will never forgive yourself.

Personally i would choose the life of my unborn child over anyone else (except of course my other children).

My Dh would never say this to me - but if he did I would reply, "Leave then - the baby is staying!"

I hope he comes round to the idea for your sake but if he doesn't - please please do not be persuaded to do this if it doesn't feel right for you.

I had an EPRC this year to remove a foetus that had stopped developing and it broke my heart to do that - I CANNOT image how much harder it would have been to do that to a live foetus.

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 29/07/2010 03:03

^he told me if i didnt have a termination he would kill himself.

he also said he didnt want the snip 'i would consider that a rather permanent last resort' ?????????!!!!!!!!!!!!^

What, more of a last resort than suicide? What a WANKER. You know the suicide is an idle threat, right?

How are you doing, OP? I think it's worth saying that we won't judge whatever you decide to do, we're just reacting to your partner's attitude. Do come back and talk to us.

Loopymumsy · 29/07/2010 08:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Northernlurker · 29/07/2010 08:13

I don't think there is a woman alive who can have a termination they don't want and maintain good mental health and happiness afterwards. Nobody has the right to ask you to do that.

I agree you should give things time to see how he settles down with the idea. Just don't ever, ever think you can 'fix' this by having an abortion you don't actually want.

foreverastudent · 29/07/2010 08:35

What a prick! He's trying to lock the door after the horse has bolted. If he was that against procreating he should have kept it in his pants.

Chynah · 29/07/2010 10:29

I don't think I'd want to be with a man that would even consider forcing me to do something so important against my wishes. Either way think all respect for the man would be lost and therefore relationship over anyway.

ByThePowerOfGreyskull · 29/07/2010 10:38

OP, can I ask, do you think that you want a termination and you are looking to others to say that your life will be ok?

If it is what YOU want (IMO only you can decide) but don't want it to be because your DH has said to do it.

I don't think he is a prick or anything awful, he is in shock, as I am sure you were when you first found out.

Time is a good thing if you want to have the baby, but if you don't then IMO you need to make arrangements asap.

ReasonableDoubt · 29/07/2010 10:40

I don't understand how a man could be so selfish. He isn't happy about the fact that he got you pregnant, so now he wants you to have an abortion or he's off? He needs to grow a pair.

expatinscotland · 29/07/2010 10:44

If he didn't want any more children, then he should have gone and gotten sterilised after hte 2nd.

He didn't.

He therefore has no right to ask you to have an operation on your body you do not want.

Emotionally blackmailing you is utter bullshit and manipulative behaviour.

Sorry, but I'd tell him to shove it and go get the snip.

ByThePowerOfGreyskull · 29/07/2010 10:44

the OPs DH hasn't given her an ultimatum. he has just been clear that he does not want to have the child.

ReasonableDoubt · 29/07/2010 10:48

I see.

I think it's a bit late for that now, though.

He has a right to be upset, scared, unhappy etc. pf course he does. He is only human. But he also has a responsibility to get over it and move forward.

No decent man would pressurise a woman into an abortion she did not want.

expatinscotland · 29/07/2010 10:50

If you don't want to have another child then you take some responsibility for it and get yourself sterilised.

Not expect someone to have a medical procedure on their body they do not want.

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