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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

If the prospective father of your planned baby's first words were ......

77 replies

hetookthecorkscrewtoo · 19/07/2010 21:23

'Is it mine' and 'I've had the snip' when he blatently hasn't, and this baby has been much wanted since you both decided to start trying nine months previously,what would you do??!!

Am i right to feel very hurt and frankly angry to have my what I though was fantastic news, ground into dirt. I have never betrayed this man, and am now in shock. He's left saying he doesn't resent 'the kid' but does resent me. I was telling me how much he loved me last week - this is a long term relationship by the way and at 37 with a ds (from a previous relationship), too old to do it on my own.

Sorry if a ramble - just don't know where I am at the moment

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hetookthecorkscrewtoo · 20/07/2010 21:17

He is 32, no ties, own home, and a part time dog. I moved from my home to be near him in his small town, I can see I've isolated myself, it's the classic not liking my friends and reasoning I should break contact with them all. I'm an intelligent person and even I can see how pathetic I've become.

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EnglandAllenPoe · 20/07/2010 21:17

congratulations!

unorunately this kind of twattitude is not rare amongst men when their OH's get pregnant.

in some cases it is salvageable (though fuck knows why they do it - you could use decent support right now rather than having to be the only grown up in your relationship)
think about what you want, if you can forgive him, and is he going to be worth forgiving...

MegBusset · 20/07/2010 21:33

It doesn't sound like twattitude tbh. It sounds like emotional abuse and a relationship you would do very well to get as far away from as possible.

But that does not mean that you can't have this baby and give it a loving and stable family -- you can do that by yourself, honestly you can.

nagoo · 20/07/2010 21:47

Do you live with him OP?

Am intrigued by part time dog, but I'll try to stick to the point in hand..

Give yourself some space, and cut yourself some slack. You've invested in a relationship, and he has let you down at a time when you are most vulnerable. That doesn't mean that you are pathetic, he's been telling you he loves you and wants a baby, and now he's being a dick. That's him being pathetic, definitely not you!

1Catherine1 · 20/07/2010 22:46

Sweetie this sort of emotional abuse happens to a lot of woman. You fell in love and fell for the old tricks, a lot of us have done it and we feel foolish afterwards but you are by no means pathetic. I myself did it 4 years ago but was lucky enough to end with no ties to him. Unlike you though I can't say I got out at the first sign, I stuck with it for 5 years because he convinced me I was the crazy one.

Pick up the phone and call an old friend that maybe you cut off years ago, they'll be glad your back and chances are, they already know why you cut them off. Failing that, call a family member, my brother (surprisingly since we're not that close) helped me remember who I was and what I needed.

My heart genuinely goes out to you as I'm sure everyone else's here does.

hetookthecorkscrewtoo · 21/07/2010 14:54

The part time dog is his puppy that I look after for him whilst he is at work - it was our practice run before children, we don't live together, I moved closer but still wanted to retain a bit of independance.

I have just spoken to him on the phone, it's not looking hopeful so am going to take your very wise advice and call on my family for support, think I need a shoulder to cry on!

Right, school run calls, thank goodness for normality!!

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Bondwife · 21/07/2010 17:52

This sounds like me 8 years ago. It does get better, you will make it through this.

His first words were exactly the same as your partners and I felt like the bottomn had dropped out of my world. It was supposed to be like it was in the films and I felt robbed, stunned and very alone. We had been together for 3 years and it was planned. At first he talked me into a termination but it was not what I wanted. I like you had distanced myself from my family and friends. I picked up the phone and told my mother, in tears, that I needed her help. My dad drove through the night to get me and my belongings and they didn't even ask why, they just dropped everything and came and got me. I left the sorry SOB with the intention of having the child and unfortunately miscarried at 14 weeks. It was still the best choice I ever made. I am now married to the best, most wonderful person, partner and father I know. I type this while our daughter is asleep on my lap and if you had told me that was where I would be 8 years down the line I would never have believed you.

Pardon my being forward but you and your children do not deserve this man, no one deserves to be treated this way, it takes years and good people around you to repair this sort of damage.

hetookthecorkscrewtoo · 22/07/2010 13:29

Thank you Bondwife - It's exactly that - the bottom has dropped out of my world, and i feel so angry he has made me have to consider the prospect of terminations, something that is abhorrent to me, a life that we both planned and he has watched me each month get increasingly concened that I hadn't conceived, he knew this was so very very important, shame he didn't bothr to tell me it wasn't to him. He has mentioned getting a DNA test - I think I'm incapable of feeling insulted now - just too worried about my emotional stability whatever I have to do

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Bondwife · 23/07/2010 09:12

Oh honey - please do not let him do this to you and your children. Have you contacted someone you can talk to? Family an old friend? My GP was one of the best people who arranged unbiased, sympathetic help. If you are unsure what to do they might be able to help.

lilmamma · 25/07/2010 19:01

I wouldnt give him the date either,i would just calmy say,well if you seriously think i have cheated on you,wheteher iam pregnant or not there is the door,goodbye..

I have split with my husband last week,an it feels bloody marvellous,iam finally me and free to do what i want when i want,should have done it years ago..

I come in ,no football on telly,light my candles and lie on the couch and relax ahh lovely. :P

justaboutblowingbubbles · 25/07/2010 19:09

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KiwiKat · 25/07/2010 19:20

We're here for you, Corkscrew, whatever you decide. Keep talking to us - there'll be highs and lows, but we'll still be here.

hetookthecorkscrewtoo · 25/07/2010 22:30

Hi everyone, sorry I've been burying head in the proverbial sand for the past few days - start of the summer holidays,rapidly emptying food cupboards, even bought a trampoline which may have not been the best idea considering bladder weaknesses ... me and my ds

The father has said he is not ready for a child or a serious relationship (still fancies a s**g tho?) He has said he thinks it is best I terminate the pregnancy as I can't afford it and he can see money heamorraging (sp?) out of his account if we do go ahead.

My family have said they can offer no practical or financial support and also think I should terminate - I feel no one sees this poor baby as a life - I'm so confused!

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justaboutblowingbubbles · 26/07/2010 07:10

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Lougle · 26/07/2010 07:45

hetookthecorkscrewtoo, until a few days ago, the baby you are carrying was a much anticipated and wanted eventuality, right? You were waiting for those lines on the test. That hasn't changed. You have had a massive shock, and found that your partner wasn't who you thought he was, but you are still the same.

Your family want all of this to go away. They are probably relieved that you are realising what this man is like, and think that you'd be better off without 'complications'. But you know that regardless of your decision, things will not be 'rewound'. If you terminate, you will have lost the child you dreamed of. If you don't, you will have the child you dreamed of, but lost the dream of that child having a resident father.

My sister was in a similar situation. She and her 'DP' weren't living together, but he said it was just due to his current accomodation being on contract, and that he very much wanted to have a 'family'. So, desparately wanting the same, having had a MC 7 years earlier with a man who had abused her, she agreed. She fell pregnant, and he moved in. But when she had to stop working due to pregancy related illness, and he had to start paying bills (seriously) rather than spending all his money on fags booze and weed, he threw a wobbly. He moved out. Then she had to start claiming IS. When he realised that she was getting everything 'free', he decided that perhaps he could do the 'family' thing afterall. He moved back in, but demanded that she didn't tell the council, because then they would lose the rent money, and he had fags, booze and weed to spend his hard earned cash on.

Eventually, at 31 weeks pregnant, he left her high and dry. Her baby was born at 33 weeks and was in SCBU. He was around sometimes, but very controlling, and would leave her at the hospital with no money and no transport, and no food.

Things were terrible for quite some time. Then they started 'seeing one another'. She would take their child to his residence, but she would have to provide all clothes, nappies, wipes, food, etc. Despite the fact that she was on IS and he was on a full-time wage.

When her child was around 16 months, she stopped using contraception. He was fully aware. I think she naively thought that if there were 2 children, he would 'have to come back to the family home'. He didn't move back in until she was 36 weeks pregnant, wouldn't let her tell the council 'til a few weeks later, then left again when the new baby was 8 weeks old.

I suppose what I am saying is, have a long hard, objective view of this relationship. What would you be saying to a friend? The baby and the relationship are two different things.

Money from his account? Tough luck, he should have thought of that.

hetookthecorkscrewtoo · 26/07/2010 21:31

Lougle - It's frankly worrying to read your sister' story. I know if I was to see a friend in the same position I'd be the first to say get out. I've had to decide that this man will not provide me or my children with a stable, non critical stable and loving life. I'm very scared and have started bleeding, this did happen with my ds and he was a happy healthy baby. I want this baby so much, such a unnecessary sad start for a little life

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Lougle · 26/07/2010 22:20

hetookthecorkscrewtoo, have a . How is your bleeding? Perhaps the GP would be able to see you in the morning and arrange a scan?

I am very pro-working-on-your-relationship, but honestly? It is far better that this baby has one person wanting them and providing a stable start to life than letting yourself be destroyed by this man. My poor sister is quite honestly wrecked, and she would have been so much better off if she had seen the man she was with for who he was earlier.

hetookthecorkscrewtoo · 26/07/2010 22:34

Lougle - I will be calling the doctor if it continues, it's so early I don't know if they can detect a heartbeat yet? I was told I was losing my ds at this stage too so can't stop taking the fa tablets :-)

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Lougle · 26/07/2010 22:36

Keep going they may be able to do some HCG levels to reassure you.

hetookthecorkscrewtoo · 26/07/2010 22:51

I will - I'm not giving up on this baby even if no one else wants it x

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hetookthecorkscrewtoo · 26/07/2010 23:36

I'm so scared! I feel so alone with this - why does everyone want me to kill it - I just wish someone close to me would welcome this child.

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Lougle · 27/07/2010 11:15

Your family most likely will in time. It is just that they want the problem to go away, and they see the baby as part of that right now.

Madascheese · 27/07/2010 12:24

hetookthecorkscrewtoo

Oh Love, I don't know where to start.

I was there - though my exh's first words on seeing the test result were 'if you ever disobey me I'll take this child from you and you will never see it' which also kind of took the shine off the moment...I was so isolated in RL that I couldn't tell anyone how bad things were and it was only when littlemad was 9 months old that I finally managed to escape and THEN I started enjoying motherhood. I was 35 when I got pg and although I've had great support from my family I did it on my own and I'm really proud (slightly tired but that's motherhood I guess)

Littlemad is now 4 and it's been a hell of a journey, but one that ultimately brings a smile to my face. littlemad was planned and very much wanted. Please know that there are great stories out there of women who have come through your situation, don't give up and keep talking here.
Good luck

Porcelain · 27/07/2010 12:50

Oh hon I really feel for you. My ex was a depressive with the jolly side effects of long term cannabis use, it wasn't until after I left him and had councelling that I realised our relationship was abusive. I dread to think what would have happened if kids were involved, the house and the cats were hassle enough.

I would get the hell away from him asap. I would also consider going for all the child support possible to let him see just what the consequences of being such a twat can be.

Bondwife · 30/07/2010 07:51

Are you ok?