If the prospective father of your planned baby's first words were ......

[hetookthecorkscrewtoo]

'Is it mine' and 'I've had the snip' when he blatently hasn't, and this baby has been much wanted since you both decided to start trying nine months previously,what would you do??!!

Am i right to feel very hurt and frankly angry to have my what I though was fantastic news, ground into dirt. I have never betrayed this man, and am now in shock. He's left saying he doesn't resent 'the kid' but does resent me. I was telling me how much he loved me last week - this is a long term relationship by the way and at 37 with a ds (from a previous relationship), too old to do it on my own.

Sorry if a ramble - just don't know where I am at the moment

PB - I'm pretty certain he hasn't - this would be his first child and has been really keen up until the test was positive - I think that comment re the snip was a 'test question' to see my reaction.

Your replies are begining to open my eyes to his previous way of behaving - demanding information, dates, facts and then just saying he doesn't believe any of it.

I am off to the docs today to find out my options - I need to take control of a very scary situation, and give my ds lots of hugs!

How bizarre. Based off your first paragraph I thought "maybe this was some form of unfunny joke" but as your posts go on I see that isn't the case.

A "test question"? -- no, you don't want to raise a child with someone who behaves like this.

I imagine he thinks that you won't want to split up with him regardless because you won't want to be a single mother, therefore he has carte blanche to express his reaction in as harsh terms as he wishes because although you may be hurt, you will ultimately want him to stay.

Prove him wrong. Someone with so little respect for you, especially combined with drug-induced paranoia, is a danger to your wellbeing. I don't mean a physical danger particularly, just that you will be in line for much misery if you have "test questions", mind games and the like to deal with throughout your pregnancy and in the early days of your baby's life. God forbid you end up with PND or something. Unsupportive, undermining, cruel partner = considerably worse than no partner.

Good luck at docs btw. And yeah, lots of cuddles from your ds sounds like a good idea

What a total cock! Congratulations and you are certainly not too old to do this on your own. Show him the door straight away and get on with your life for your children's sake. Honestly, I've never heard anything like it!! Actually, if he 'says' he's had the snip, you could just cheerfully say, 'Oh, can't be yours then, see ya, be off with ya!' Job done and off he toddles, tail between legs. What a git! Seriously though, wishing you all the best

Christ poor you. Be kind to yourself.

Good luck with whatever you decide, you sound very clear minded even if you dont feel it.

Congratulations too.

Congratulations on the pregnancy! I would dump him if I were in your shoes, easier to get rid of an offensive loser now than when the baby arrives. If he is that much of a dopehead surely his financial input is not great enough to be any loss if you just cut him out of your lives forever? He has already shown his emotional input is zero.

Congratulations on the pregnancy and commiserations on the dickhead who is treating you in an appalling manner.

Please don't give him the dates of your last period. As someone else said, that is so deeply insulting. You are his equal. He is treating you the way a twisted, authoritarian father might treat a child.

You have mentioned a couple of times about how clever he is and his intellect. He's not clever at all. People like this - those who feel superior to others and who play mind-games - are often just arrogant, insecure, narcissistic, childish and usually have some sort of borderline personality disorder. Sadly, I've known one or two in my time. They often ooze charisma, but underneath are really quite pathetic little fucked-up boys who rarely change.

I'm sure he'll say something along the lines of 'it was only a joke. I didn't mean it' and try to make you feel stupid. Again, it's just dysfunctional, childish behaviour.

I would dump him. Or, if you think there is any hope for a future relationship, I would insist that he gets professional help to deal with his issues.

Best wishes xx

All I can think of is WTF!!!!!!!

Why say he's had the snip when he hasn't and he has been actively trying for a baby with you? Or did he somehow think it wasn't going to happen and was just going along with it to 'keep you happy' or something?

Personally I don't think I could bring up a child and be with someone who thought like this. He sounds like a total arse.

Thank you all - I do feel quite strong, and as have bought up my ds on my own for five years, I know I can cope without a man in my life - I just wanted this child to be conceived and bought up in a stable loving family environment, one that I didn't have or indeed my partner. I think he may be lacking some empathetic aspect of his personality, maybe the narcissistic point is correct L66, I'm just waiting for the suggestion we go on Jeremy Kyle to do a paternity/lie/drug test episode

Maybe I should invoice him for the cost of the pregnancy tests .....

A stable and loving family environment is totally possible for you and two children, without this man having to be there. In fact, it sounds like it's a lot more likely without him around. You'll still be a family. (I know what you meant though, but just trying to put it another way)

Congratulations on your Pregnancy!

I'm sorry the father turned out to be such a wanker but I guess its better to find out sooner rather than later when he might have been able to emotionally damage the baby.

congratulations .
First thing i would do is ask him why he said hes had a vasectomy .
Then ask him why he agreed to ttc knowing hes had one.
Then ask him to provide details of his vasectomy , including date of op and the results of the tests samples after.
Then id remind him that dna will prove he is tha father of the baby ...he might be able to sue for the op not working ...any compensation will go toward child support.
He might be genuinely shocked if hes had a snip.....doesnt excuse him not telling you though.That would be why he has asked for the dates - it could be you concieved before he got a sperm free sample.

op how long have you been with your dp?
he might have had snip years ago so you wouldnt know...my dh has had it and he has no scars.

for hetookthecorkscrews dp - SOMETIMES THE TUBES REJOIN YEARS LATER

Couldn't read and run! This sounds like someone who may have lots of attributes you admire - why else would you have been in a relationship and TTC with him? - but for reasons of his own doesn't have boundaries where normal people would have them (TTC/had the snip/trusting you stuff) and therefore is pretty manipulative and unpredicable. If this is true - and you're a clever lady so will be able to judge this - then the chances of a happy partnership on equal terms are very low, even if you can get over this awful episode.

I speak from experience having been in a relationship with an unreliable charmer, when I finally saw that we would never be stable and ended it, it degenerated into stalking, law suits, and threatening mindgames from him, the police being involved and me eventually changing the locks and then moving house.

If you think he's this sort of person, and only you really know, I wouldn't bother arguing much more and trying to prove anything to him. As other posters have said, it'll just turn into a mindwarp. He's crossed loads of terrible lines here, and may have excuses, but not good reasons.

Very good luck with whatever you decide to do. I'm sure you'll give your DS and your new baby a wonderful home, and find healthy decent people to surround yourself with and be happy and fulfilled.

After a sweary shouting phone call - him not me, and a text calling me a child, I feel even more battered, we've been together for two years and have had the usual relationship ups and downs but he has now said he should have listened to his doubts before. Unfortunate he didn't listen and act on them before getting his d**k out. He also 'has doubts over the future of the child' which I am am reading as he wants a termination. I am at a complete loss - the death of a relationship - as it can never continue after this and the complete turn around of overwhelming happiness that I'm finally pregnant to a lonely and scary choice.

Thank you all for your replies, I may have let him persuade me I am in the wrong by falling pregnant with our planned baby, emotional bullying is as vile as physical.

I just wanted to say that I really feel for you. It sounds to me like domestic violence. Alot of people assume this only comes in a physical sense, but in fact emotional bullying as you have described above does sound like it to me. It sounds like he is trying to make you feel like you need to apologise and like you have done something wrong. You must remember this is not the case.

You sound strong and already having one DC i am sure the three of you will have a lovely little family, it might be the end of a relationship with him, but it is only the begining with your new baby.

As a previous poster suggested do you have some RL support? There are alot of organisations out there to help and talk through these sort of situations.

Good luck with your decision

What a fucking tosser!!!! You and your lovely children will be far better off without this wanker in your lives.

Thank god he showed his true colours and you can move on.

Good luck with your pregnancy.

Keep a printout of this thread, and if you can bear to, a brief diary of calls etc. So that when he makes trouble in the future, e.g. over financial matters/access after the baby is born, you have a record.

And for now - congratulations! Why not start a new thread saying 'I'm pregnant at last' and bask in the congratulations?

I think I will. I've just spent the last half hour cleaning up his poorly dogs upset tummy, no contact as to how any of us are today. Would it be any use posting a link of this to him so he can see it's not just me being 'a child'?

I'm so and on your behalf OP!

Agree he is being a total dick.

I have found that it is possible to change the dynamic of your relationship if you challenge him enough.

If you don't want to walk away immediately, you could try taking him to couselling, as they will be able to point out his faults the issues in a detached manner.

Then you can work out if he is actually an unbelieveably twattish twat as suspected, or whether he has gone temporarily twattish insane due to shock of 1st baby responsibility.

Whatever happens he'll have to gie up the cannabis as it's making him mental. Happened to my DH but he realised what was going on and stopped!

I have suggested counselling to him as I think it can be really useful to have an impartial view, especially in light of his paranoia issues - it was met with a no, I' don't need to talk to anyone'

Ultimatly, is it fair on the unborn child to introduce it to a world where the first emotion is resentment snd fear?

you are more than capable of having this baby and raising him/her without this poor excuse for a man

it sounds like he was quite happy to go along with TTC, but the minute it became real, he reverts to type - which is scared. immature child

how old is he>

If you want the baby, have the baby. Plenty of people do it on their own and at 37 you are definitely not too old to do this by yourself!

Give it a few days and see how you feel. The first emotion won't be resentment and fear if you want the baby.

I'm sorry he has let you down so badly, you must be in shock. Don't do anything rash that you might regret