No progress with potty training at nearly four, worried about starting school

[Joyeusse]

Hello, mums! A very upset and stressed mum here - about potty training. My son is 4, starting school in Sept. He's such a sweet lil boy, affectionate and behaving as much as possible for his age. We've been trying the potty training for 2 years now and absolutely no progress at all. I did everything, books, songs, cartoons, all models of potties, took him in the bathroom with us, talked a lot, explained, made him sit, upairy pullups, naked days etc. He says yes, I understand, yes I will, then holds it. He got to sit on a potty for 4 h in a row, its madness. And not even a drop. Then, I get him up, put some undies, 5 min later he would do a pool on the floor. Yesterday he did a poo and he was fine with it, but never ever did he do a pee by his own will. Only a couple of times, after spending hours on the potty and because we were already so upset or he just couldnt hold it anymore. I dont ask you what to do because I honestly know I did everything here. Im only asking if anyone had been through this and how was it with the school? Im so stressed and frustrated, they will probabbly think I never bothered. But the truth is Im at my wits end and it consumes me terribly. And Im afraid it will damage our relation and he will turn into a boy he really isn't, just out of fear or stress because of the potty thing. So, if anybody else experienced such a stressful situation, how long did it take to actually get successful and how was it mamaged at reception? Thank you for reading.

sorry you are so stressed about this. How long have you been trying each time you have been trying? Does your son attend a preschool or nursery?

Have your tried him on the toilet? Both of mine hated potties. I wouldn’t leave him on there for hours but take him regularly and reward for sitting initially, and then for weeing. Mine had a chocolate button as they don’t get them often. Have you asked GP/HV for any help or advice?

4 hours on a potty is madness. Have you tried giving him a large glass of water and working out how long it takes to go through, then taking him at those intervals after each drink until he gets it, with rewards for getting any wees in? Does he have and other needs?

I would restart.
Take a week off and stay at home.
He should ONLY sit on the potty/toilet when he actually needs to pee. No sitting for hours waiting.
Give him loads of juice to drink.
No pants.
Go and buy some toys and sweets and wrap them up in exciting wrapping paper.

Give him lots and lots to drink, and when he can't hold on any more that is when you take him to the potty/toilet. Even if you miss most of the wee, lots of praise.

Anything between a couple of days to a week - each time, but the response is 0 so it feels like a trauma to insist. :(

Problem is we had numerous restarts with all the rewards a child could dream of. Still, he doesn't seem to be motivated, although he loved the rewards. A new restart is obvious now, but I have lost my hope. That's why I actually ask those mums who have been in similar situations to tell me what happened later.

Have you tried him standing up to pee?

I had to do that with one of my boys, with a game in the toilet for him to aim at, before he would. He just wasn’t comfortable sat down weeing for some reason.

When I said we tried everything, trust me, I wasn't exaggerating or missing details. Yes ofc we had drinks (he's not into juices, only water) - that's how he "accidentally" hit the potty twice. Twice in 2 years of trying... :( I don't want to sound rude but I need to hear from mums who have been in this situation, what happened later and how soon can I expect him to reconsider? Honestly, there's no advice I have missed, no approach I didnt try. :( it's beyond frustrating as it is. I discussed with his pre-school, they tell me they will try to help but they never did anything at all. I asked my son if those ladies helped him with the potty or the toilet, he's always saying nope. We tried the toilet with addapted ring, ofc. Not even once in the toilet. Right now I feel like I'm the last !d!ot in the world and I just want to know if my son will ever reconsider or am I going to change his nappies forever?!

He might not be motivated becuse of the restarts. I would say go with it and stick to it. You have to accept a lot of accidents. It is stressful. But with September coming it will be worth it to avoid him having a difficult time when he starts. I would just switch to pants and accept the first fortnight will be appalling. Don’t try to do nights yet, just daytime.

I started my eldest just before 3 (and no going back at that point) and but she wasn’t totally reliable all day every day until almost 5. She had a lot of accidents in the first term of reception. They were understanding. She was only night dry at 8. For some kids it’s a tougher one than others.

Do ypu think he could be constipated? That can mask the signals for needing to go, both for poo and wee. If his poo is very liquidy then that could mean there ia a solid bit stuck higher up which is in the way and blocking the signals.

Have you looked at the eric continence website. That is very helpful.

Ok, this is something I never tried, I must admit. He is very shy, not sure he would ever play it this way but I will try it this evening at bath time. Thank you.

He is not constipated.

OP it's actually a really good sign that your DS can hold it that long. That shows he's got all the control he needs. It sounds like the whole thing has got too stressful for everybody.

My youngest was over 4 by the time he was toilet trained. The time it 'clicked; we had 10 full days of accidents before we got a single wee in the potty. So I know it's a pain, but don't stop after a week.

We had to leave a potty in the corner and DS would go and wee in it when he was sure no one was looking. Rewards didn't work at all and he totally freaked out if we heaped praise on him or made it a big deal.

You still have time, there's still every chance he'll get it before school. BUT just in case he doesn't, make sure you have spoken to both the GP and Health Visitor about the struggles you're having. Even in you get fobbed off, it will come across much better to the school if you can say you've tried to get professional help with the toileting issues.

Agree with pp that the ERIC continence website is fab. They also have a helpline you could try.

We did it by originally letting him see DH and his older brother (only 18 months old) pee in a really unpressured way. When he saw them aiming at the toy thing in the loo he decided he wanted a turn.

So it was more a “ok, let me know when you need a wee and you can have a turn” sort of thing rather than a “this is what you do” thing.

I would skip potty and go straight to toilet

18 months older**

I totally get it, make him wanna get in the game. Yes, I will try this, his dad will be happy to help if this is what it takes. Thank you so much for explaining this clearly. When he was around 2, he was amoused about the pee in the bathtub as he was standing. Maybe it will work again, fingers crossed.

My son would never use a potty. Refused from day one. Bought him a step and used the toilet.

I haven’t been in your position but I do know how stressful potty training feels. My dd was easy but with my son it took him a while. At this point sitting on the potty might be upsetting for him. Tell him, he’s so grown up now he can use the big toilet and make the potty vanish.

Also have you tried asking him to pee whilst he is in a tepid shower or even in a bath? I know it is a bit gross, but it might help him let go of the urine and you can rinse him off afterwards. It might help him feel more relaxed

Relax, he’ll get it.

• symbolic binning of any nappies in the house: ‘we don’t use these now.’
• minimum 4 days in a row no pants or trousers
• watch him like a hawk all day for these days with potty by your side. When you see him start to go, lift and put on the potty
• big praise for whatever ends up in potty, even if 99% is on the floor praise for the 1% and ‘next time we’ll get even more in!’
• once he’s successfully going, then trousers, no pants
• wait for a long time before introducing pants as clearly he feels comfortable going in them so you need to break that connection

Try and take any emotion and pressure out of it. Have stock phrases eg. ‘oh that wee went on the floor, but wee’s supposed to go in the potty toilet. Oh well, let’s clear it up and next time it will go in the right place.

It’s good it’s almost summer. Warm weather is perfect for this. Don’t go anywhere for the four days. Even if you need to use AL to have a few days at home to crack this, given how stressed you are it’s worth forgoing a holiday to get it sorted.

Im struggling with my son too. Hes 4 also

Bribery? Only thing that worked for me. What is his weakness? For one of my DD’s it was books so she got a shiny coin (which she also loved) each time she used the toilet (didn’t like the potty) and on Saturdays we went to the book shop. Her maths was pretty good and she understood money. For dd2 immediate gratification was essential so it was a car each time, I know that sounds a lot but I got a big bag from the charity shop and quite honestly recycled them from the toy box, she didn’t realise!

Potties are for babies, unless he's very small I think a toilet would be more comfortable. We had a 'family seat' which has a lid and both a normal sized seat and a child sized seat attached so you can flip up the one you need. It's much more stable than the ring type attachment.

Accidents are how they learn, so don't give up after a few days or a week as that isn't long enough to catch on.

Take the pressure off. He will feel it and you could unknowingly be making it worse. Leaving him for 4 hours on a potty is not nice at all, it must be stressing him out (as well as you). He will get there. Have you tried speaking to the school he will be going to? Ask them what their policy is for children who aren’t potty trained, explain the difficulties you are having and they may be able to give you guidance as you won’t be the first parent they have dealt with who is having this problem.

Giving a week to do potty training then stopping is no time at all. It needs full on training from now on till school. They don't get potty training in a week. At all. Take him to the potty / toilet every hour and after meals. Set up rewards for a wee and a poo, let him see these rewards and know they are only available for a wee or a poo. Once he achieves these get a star chart and put 1 star for a wee and 2 for a poo. Decide what the reward will be for 5 stars, 10 stars.
The expectation for nursery school, F1 is to be potty / toilet trained. So for reception, F2, eyebrows will be raised at a normal child not potty trained. You haven't given him enough time over the years to get the hang of it with giving up after one week.

Unless he's telling you he needs a wee, he probably doesn't know he needs one.

Some children don't develop the nerve telling them they need to pee until 5 years old. Mine didn't. It meant that potty training in the traditional sense was impossible.

What we did create was Management. A diary of when pees happened and putting on the toilet half an hour before. Constant taking to the toilet every two hours. We had lots of accidents but actually it was manageable and nursery just made sure they used the toilet every couple of hours. It meant they knew how to have a pee without actually knowing they needed one.

Once the nerve formed everything worked as it should and actually they needed the toilet far less than children who had been potty trained at a much younger age.