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Potty training

Is your child ready for potty training at nursery? Here's the place for all your toilet training questions.

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Original poster

3.5 year old refusing to potty train

58 replies

MrsKaty · 18/04/2025 11:49

My 3.5 year old is violently opposed to toilet training. He won't sit on the toilet at home at all. He will sit on the toilet at nursery and go through the routine - trousers and nappy down, sit down, wait, wipe, flush, wash hands - so we know he knows what to do. He just... won't.
He hasn't responded to a reward chart or bribery, he just won't do it. We've tried pants under his nappy so he could feel what wet means, but he didn't seem to feel it? He knows when he needs to poo but doesn't seem to know when he is weeing/has done a wee.
What do I do to make this happen without turning it into a war? He's super stubborn. He starts school in September and I'm worried he won't be ready....
Any advice welcomed.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Snoopdoggydog123 · 18/04/2025 11:50

How does he seem otherwise?

Original poster

MrsKaty · 18/04/2025 13:37

Snoopdoggydog123 · 18/04/2025 11:50

How does he seem otherwise?

In what way? He's generally a pretty cheerful boy, very bright and bubbly. A bit fussy about food and having his hair washed.

OP posts:

Pottytrainingfun · 18/04/2025 18:13

@MrsKaty same here! DD (3.5) knows what to do but she refuses. She tantrums and screams to have a nappy.

We tried last month and she eventually did about 5 wees in the potty (after a lot of hard work, sweat and tears) so we sent her to nursery in knickers the next day. She held it there the whole time, she was so uncomfortable and upset so I gave up again.

We're trying this weekend again, back from square 1, in the hope that 4 days will be enough for her to be ready to do it at nursery too.

Today she held it til about 4pm then weed in her knickers, then weed in the potty (yeay) then pooed in her knickers.

It's so disheartening and so boring, but you're not alone!

From my perspective, she is very advanced in every other way, and I know she can do it, she is just strong willed. So I am going with the cold turkey approach but it will probably take a few days for her to realise I really mean it this time (since I gave up at the first hurdle last time).

But bribery, rewards etc make no difference either. There is nothing she wants more than to wear a nappy. Hopefully someone else can advise us!

JackGeller · 18/04/2025 18:17

My daughter has just turned 4, she has only done I think 3 poo’s in the toilet, prefers in a nappy before bed. But she was insisting until about November time that she was going to wear nappies forever. Then one Monday she took knickers to nursery ‘just incase’ and has been in knickers since. I think as soon as I stopped showing her how bothered I was by it she did it easier. I wouldn’t worry yet but I do appreciate that’s easier said than done!

Pottytrainingfun · 19/04/2025 12:23

3 wees in knickers so far this morning and absolutely refusing to sit on the potty...

paulyispoorly · 19/04/2025 12:50

What do you mean refuses? He clearly knows he will get away with it at home whereas he won’t at nursery so being firm and making sure he knows it’s not negotiable at home is the only way. So for instance next time he asks about going to the park / watching something on tv / having some sweets you say ‘yes we can do these things when you have been to the toilet’ and just repeat each time

Theunamedcat · 19/04/2025 12:52

Wait till it's warm and a bit windy and go outside?

Original poster

MrsKaty · 19/04/2025 13:33

Pottytrainingfun · 19/04/2025 12:23

3 wees in knickers so far this morning and absolutely refusing to sit on the potty...

That's frustrating! We haven't even reached the wearing pants stage. We put some on him and he took them off and put some nappy pants on instead. We've nearly finished the packet of nappy pants, so once they're done, we won't get any more.

OP posts:

Inarutinarut · 19/04/2025 13:34

MrsKaty · 19/04/2025 13:33

Show quote history

I think this is what you need to do. Day time nappies need to go.

Glowingwords · 19/04/2025 13:38

I had one like that. Peer pressure did it in the end. Her friend happened to be at ours and asked her why she still wore nappies. She was capable but stubbornly refused. She changed her mind about it.

CopperWhite · 19/04/2025 13:42

Get rid of the option of nappy pants, those things are responsible for so many potty training problems!

He can refuse to sit on the toilet if he wants, but he is a big boy who wears pants. If his pants get wet, he has to change them in the toilet. Make going to the bathroom non negotiable. All the things to change and clean up are in there, and while you can support with words, make him do it himself.

When he learns the inconvenience of not using the toilet, he will have a reason to do it.

Original poster

MrsKaty · 19/04/2025 13:44

Theunamedcat · 19/04/2025 12:52

Wait till it's warm and a bit windy and go outside?

I'll have to try this on the next warm day. He likes being outside, so that may distract him from having nothing on his bottom half. Thanks. 🙂

OP posts:

SErunner · 19/04/2025 13:49

Ive just been through this - there is a very similarly titled post on here not long ago by me with updates that show we’re out the other side now.

I really wouldn’t go down the route of forcing him by removing nappies - if he’s not ready he’s not ready. I’d park it and come back to it in a month. He will get there in his own time. You’ll see from my post I could never have believed that would actually happen, but it did for us and will for you. The worst thing you can do is create a huge issue/battle out of it. That will just line you up for long term toileting issues.

@Pottytrainingfunour daughter was exactly the same - have a look at my thread.

On the plus side, when she did decide to use the potty/toilet that was it done. No accidents, still none now 3 months later, and she’s dry overnight. Easy to say in hindsight but I wish I hadn’t put her under so much pressure earlier. In reality it was my embarrassment that she was still in nappies that was driving me to try and get her to do it before she was ready.

SarahLHs · 19/04/2025 13:54

@Pottytrainingfunhave you tried without knickers? I was advised that wearing them makes them more likely to have an accident as they feel like they’re wearing a nappy.

My eldest wore a dress all weekend with no knickers on and then when she went back to nursery we had her in shorts/trousers with no knickers on nursery advice. We didn’t introduce pants until about a week in.

Hercisback1 · 19/04/2025 14:01

You're the grown up, how is he even getting hold of nappy pants? Get some boundaries!

In hindsight you've probably left it too late, this is why the sweet spot is 2-2.5 yo to train. Now I'd have a weekend at home with nothing on the bottom and follow the Oh Crap method. Nappy pants are only for bed times.

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 19/04/2025 14:09

@Hercisback1 well adjusted grown ups are able to address others without being insulting. You clearly are not able to do that.

Hercisback1 · 19/04/2025 14:10

What's insulting? Having boundaries isn't rude is it?
Apologies I didn't mean to insult anyone.

Original poster

MrsKaty · 19/04/2025 14:11

Ooooh, I'll have a hunt for your post and have a read. I probably should have done a search before posting now that I think about it! Thanks for the info and encouragement.

OP posts:

Wishiwasatailor · 19/04/2025 14:15

Try the oh crap method as PP said it's gonna be a little harder as by 3 they aren't as compliant and more assertive of their independence but it can be done!

Original poster

MrsKaty · 19/04/2025 14:23

Hercisback1 · 19/04/2025 14:01

You're the grown up, how is he even getting hold of nappy pants? Get some boundaries!

Thank you for taking some time out of your weekend to respond. Allow me to expand:

In our attempt to encourage our son to engage in cooking and baking, we (18 months ago) purchased a toddler tower that allows him to reach the counter. He can now use this to access most places in the house - that we can reasonably store things we need to reach - as he is very tall for his age. We also have an 8 week old baby which makes it harder for me to immediately respond to him haring off to find a nappy.
Rest assured that we have chosen to parent in a way that includes setting boundaries. We are not, however, perfect. And he is behaving in a way that is mostly out of character for him, meaning that we have not developed strategies for this situation yet. Hence the asking for advice from other, potentially more experienced parents than ourselves.

OP posts:

BusyExpert · 19/04/2025 14:31

this is a very experienced parent saying this. The original OP is right You have left it late, the sweet spot is much nearer to 2 and it is a mistake to use nappy pants during the day. You are going to have to block out a few days and go ell for leather watching him the whole time and putting him on a potty as soon as you see any signs that he wants to go.
other reinforcements like you are a big boy now and this is what big boys do and rewards with things he likes, but overall being very firm and showing him who is in charge.

if its any help many mothers struggle with the first, they seem to find it overwhelmingly you will probably find its easier with subsequent babies.

BusyExpert · 19/04/2025 14:32

you didn't insult anyone, you were absolutely correct in the advice you gave.

Iloveagoodnap · 19/04/2025 14:42

I also think you have left it a bit late but what’s done is done. Someone else suggested he might not be ready - unless there are other SN in play all children are more than ready by 3.5. Most are ready by 2.5.

That said, you also have a new baby so he is likely very jealous and you are likely very tired! So give yourself a break and settle into life with a baby and older child and wait until about July. I know he’s going to school in September but once he knows that this is it, he’s not getting nappies anymore, it’s likely to only take a few days to get him sorted.

asleepat7 · 19/04/2025 14:56

Hercisback1 · 19/04/2025 14:10

What's insulting? Having boundaries isn't rude is it?
Apologies I didn't mean to insult anyone.

It was very rude.

There are definitely two schools of thought on this. One is the ‘let them take their own time, don’t let it become a battle of wills’ and one is ‘you are an appalling parent if you haven’t forced them into it by the age of two.’ As you can probably tell, I favour the former. Some children do take a bit longer, either because of special needs, medical problems or environmental issues. My son had a lot of problems with learning to poo on the toilet / potty and was about 3 years nine months before he did so reliably. And he’s now four years four months and I’ve only just recently stopped taking spare pants with me! I’m a good parent and I’m sure you are too. It’s a very loaded issue and unfortunately some people are unpleasant about it.

adultingforever · 19/04/2025 15:14

Does he ever see you changing a really messy nappy on the new baby? This is what convinced my older son to use the potty. He saw the messy clean-up and declared it was nasty, and that he was not a baby like that! And that was it. Honestly. He was just under 34 months at the time.

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