3.5 year old making no progress - shelve for six months?

[orangeandpineapples]

I started to try to potty train my son just before his third birthday. We are now six months down the line and have made very little progress: numerous wet accidents and refuses to poo in the toilet or potty.

Obviously it’s a big worry but I can’t force him to do it and I’m in the position where it just isn’t sustainable. He doesn’t start school until September 25.

Chocolate buttons definitely aren’t effective. He just whines for chocolate constantly.

My boy twin wouldn't use a potty - would get very upset about it - wasn't bothered about treats, wouldn't tell he needed to go unless constantly asked happy to stay in wet/soiled clothes.

• I got some steps with a seat from Amazon so he could go straight on the toilet

• naked from waist down for several days - filled him up with fruit shoots and didn't leave the house. Gradually introduced pants after about 4 days

• made it a game flying him to the loo (only one toilet in the house upstairs and I was knackered by the end of it!) but that seemed to peak his interest

I don't think we left the house for nearly a week but the bad weather over Xmas helped but it was hard going

You're missing out vital steps. Going straight from nappy to pants and toilet is very hard to master. You need to set aside some time when you can be at home for a few days, and have him naked. Don't expect him to be able to recognise when he needs to go and get to the toilet and undress himself first. That's too much at once. Have a potty in the same room as him at all times. When he starts to go on the floor you run the potty to him and try to catch some..if you even catch just a drop you cheer and celebrate, maybe offer a sticker or a chocolate button. If you don't manage to catch any just 'Oh no! Uh-oh next time in the potty' Once you have done that and managed to catch it a few times it should click. Wearing underwear and not visible seeing it come out of them and on the floor slows the process. Wearing underwear feels like wearing a nappy. When mine were confidently using the potty, they regressed when trying underwear, so I had them wear loose shorts or trousers as the second step, then toilet, then underwear. When in the naked bottom half phase, encourage lots and lots of fluids to give a lot of practice. Novelty straws, ice lollies, water melon and cucumber etc now the weather is warmer you have the benefit of going outside to minimise clean up.

I just remembered that my son didn't like sitting down to wee. He'd try and stand over the potty from day 1. We got a travel urinal with a smiley face, and he used that for wees and the potty for poos. So he might be preferring to stand up. A jug will do the trick if you don't want to buy anything extra.

Big hug for you, we had a really difficult time potty training our daughter even though we started at two. Even at 5 now she still will go through phases of having wee accidents for no reason (have sought medical advice but it's not a medical issue)

We read a lot of potty training books together for children. We also had a book about poo that mentioned everyone poos even the queen, footballers and we used to add our own and list all the members of our family etc too. That seemed to resonate with her and would help make light of it.

Spending time with a child of a similar age who used the toilet and pointing out they are very clever for using the toilet etc (not in a comparison way just 'ooh isn't she a clever girl going g to the toilet) etc

Good luck

@User284732 - we didn’t. We are six months into this, it’s been a long time.

I have done all the obvious and not obvious things, I’m just out of ideas!

Please don't cry about it :( some children really are just harder to train than others. Perhaps with the cleaning up process concentrate on him washing himself down in the shower every time for now? Anything that makes him begin to have a sense of responsibility for the process - you sort the pants but maybe he puts them in the wash machine and on the line and could do the same with wees. I'm not saying that made an instant difference with mine - but having to stop what he's doing to start cleaning his bum then fully cleaning his hands because we need to get all the poo off the skin etc, and washing the clothes got old for him really quickly which at least helped with a 'want' to do a quick one in the toilet instead of all that faff

Choc buttons were good for us (he had none any other time except after toilets and I just ignored any requests outside of it and said 'they're buttons for toilet nothing else' but think if something else may work. Stickers/a transfer tattoo/something he's interested in as you may be able to get a big pack of something. Anything to get a positive association.

Oh and if you ever see a sign of a poo, then even if you think he's mid poo just get him on the toilet so somehow some falls in there. That was the only way I got the first poo out the way, and the first is the hardest to get

I think we do have to step back as I really have tried these things. I know he’ll do it when he’s ready, it’s the judgement from others I stress about most.

It's no one else's business for them to judge. You know what is right for you - and mine was a summer born so I had no choice but to persevere as he was at school just after 4, he also had a school nursery just after 3 who wanted them in pants even if not fully trained - would I have taken a break if that hadn't been the situation. Possibly!

You know how much progress/not has been made so far, and if you feel that you can get the progress needed soon or not. If not maybe take a couple months break and revisit.

I know this might sound odd but have you peed in the potty? 🙈

I had to do this and it worked 🥴

Apologies I haven’t RTFT but I wouldn’t give up, summer is around the corner and I think it’s easier being naked for them.

With DS we just had him naked bottom half, he was 4.5 before we mastered poops, he would always ask for a nappy though and did it in there. He now confidently goes on the toilet but it was much later that using the potty/toilet for a wee.

We got a potty that looked like a toilet and put it out of view from everyone so he had privacy but honestly he just liked weeing outside in the garden and still does and we found that was the easiest way to start. We then transitioned to just standing up wees on the toilet and he began using the potty when he was too lazy to go upstairs.

I’d try again in 6 months time. Sounds like the time isn’t right and no point making it a stressful experience all round. Kids are ready at different ages

My DS didn't potty train until about 3.5 (wees).and just shy of 4 (poos).

We, like you, made very little progress and he just wasn't interested, scared of the loo etc. so we stuck with reading books, lots of modelling, toilet talk. then one day took him out for new pants and he decided to start using the loo. Similarly, he'd poo in nappies until one day he was desperate and we didn't have a nappy on us so the toilet it was. Still had to cuddle him while he's there but he does it no problem now! So glad we waited as it was the easiest thing in the end!

Summers much harder! He’s drinking more so peeing more.

Being naked doesn’t make any difference, just pees on the floor. I don’t really like him walking around without pants on either tbh.

You don't have a potty. To be honest, this limits your options in my experience. If you use a potty, you can do a lot more alongside playing and keep things very playful whilst they are naked. They can see and choose their favourite books whilst they are there, you can keep the game going for them. If you don't do this, then you have to take your child away from the fun every time, which three year olds absolutely hate.

I originally used bribery to get my son to sit on potty - so naked with chocolate button on potty regardless of what he does from time to time and then second one if he does something. Then huge fuss if he does, everyone admires it etc. it took me 2 weeks when he was 2 to get him fully reliable, but he did get better and better. No accidents now at 3.

He did wee and poo on the floor in the very early stages (ie for a couple of days), but you just have to get over that.

Why don't you like him being naked? I feel like you are maybe not patient enough about wee on the floor and having no pants on. It really is very important for many kids.

We have no problems with him going to the toilet.

A typical day - today - we go out to a group in the morning and before we go I take him for a wee. Get there and he wets himself halfway through - no ‘I need a wee’ or trying to get to the loo but realising he’s left it too late. Just pees.

So I’m not sure the difference a potty would make. They aren’t very comfortable for him to sit on anyway.

@lemonstolemonade but it doesn’t actually make any difference. I know some people like the no pants on wee on the floor method but it hasn’t been effective here and is for the very first stages of toilet training which we’re way beyond.

Bare bum and potty both didn't work for mine either.

It might help when he's older, I actually forced myself to not ask if he needed the toilet anymore and told him toilets are for him to deal with - wee his pants and trousers and wash them, or wee in the toilet. But he was nearly 4 when I did that and took it in more possibly because of the age etc.

There's no right or wrong with a tricky toileter. Either try anything not already tried and persevere, or wait a while and try to do it when there's a bit more age and understanding

Maybe he’s just used to weeing himself is so he’s not bothered. Do you just take him to the toilet anyway? With DS we’d just go every half hour or so, or I’d be asking do you need a wee? Tell mommy if you need a poop and we’ll pop you a nappy on etc.

Dd is 2.5 asd and this is the technique I wrote to her nursery Monday

Hi Cris,

Thank you for helping with dd's Potty training.

I say to her :
' Toilet, I want the Toilet'. and show her the picture of the Toilet and then walk her to it.

So I usually start the day with first hour,
every 15 minutes
then 20 minutes
then 25minutes
30 minutes
I increase this to a maximum of 40minutes

I sit with her for 5 minutes and say 'Wee, dd, Wee' if she does a little bit , say 'More Wee?'

***BUT at Nap time I put a nappy on and on 4 occasions this weekend it has been dry on waking and i take her straight to the toilet and say 'Wait! hold on' until i get her on the toilet.

***After Milk or a meal , i will take her within 10minutes of finishing.

if she does not wee/poo for 40 minutes, that means she will do something and best to stick her on the loo again.

I will give you lots of leggings and socks. please put any spiled ones into a bag and I'll wash and bring back the next day.

THANK YOU SO MUCH

7 days in she had no accidents at nursery today.

Shes non verbal. Here's hoping !

@TrafficPoster i do take him but I’m conscious that isn’t toilet training as without an adult taking him he’ll just wet himself. He’ll wee on the toilet no problem, but what he won’t do is say he needs to go or instigate it himself. As for poo, I don’t even know where to begin with that.

We have made a tiny bit of progress in that he can hold his wee so I don’t want to lose that but I’m really finding it all stressful and I am very worried it’s indicative of additional needs as everything I keep reading is he should be trained by now.

@orangeandpineapples i see your point but in the beginning it’s just about the learning and creating new habits, so you may have to do a lot of the leg work for a month, doing all the reminding and taking him every 20-30 minutes but then it becomes a totally new habit to not be wet.

poop was much harder for me and my DS to get right, but I appreciated he wasn’t ready so I told him he could ask for a nappy. It took him a good six months after being toilet trained for wees for him to even feel comfortable trying to poop on the potty. We did a chart by that point ‘10 poops on the potty’ at ten he got a new toy. We did this twice before moving onto the toilet. Now he’s okay with it. But he is 4.5 and this was only earlier this year. Some take longer than others, DS was definitely one, being in nursery did help him.

I know you said summer is harder but maybe lots of outside, no pants and even just encouraging him to wee up the fence rather than just stopping and weeing is a better sign, knowing he has a place even if it’s in the garden. I appreciate that isn’t for everyone but honestly I don’t mind in my garden, we just hose the spot down before bed.

I’ll be honest you seem to have lots of reasons why this or that won’t work, or you don’t like him naked.

you’ve said he wees when you take him to the toilet, that’s great. So keep that up. Like other posters have said start looking at when he wees. Is this 10 mins after a meal, upon wake up etc and start taking him regularly that those times.

buy a potty!! It’s not uncomfortable for him!

does he see you and his dad use the toilet? Keep the fort open when you go so he sees what he’s meant to be doing.

also at 3.5 if he’s running off when you are speaking to him and ignoring you, you need to gently bring him back to you and finish what you were saying. If he doesn’t have to listen to you he won’t.

also you said he wants chocolate all the time. Remove all chocolate from his diet and only give it out for a wee on the toilet (even if you took him) and explain he can have 5 buttons for a poo in the toilet because that’s what adults and big kids do!

do you have a slightly older niece or nephew? My Godson started using the toilet quite early as he wanted to copy my son and didn’t want to be a ‘baby’. Is there a peer he can copy? Do you point it out at playgroup. “Oh look at x, aren’t they a big boy/girl going to the toilet!”

I tried from 2.5 with ds & got nowhere, he finally got dry when we went on holiday with my parents & he went to the toilet with my dad who unknown to us had bladder cancer & was going every 90 minutes. Ds was 3.5 & it took another 6 months to get him dry at night.