3.5 year old making no progress - shelve for six months?

[orangeandpineapples]

I started to try to potty train my son just before his third birthday. We are now six months down the line and have made very little progress: numerous wet accidents and refuses to poo in the toilet or potty.

Obviously it’s a big worry but I can’t force him to do it and I’m in the position where it just isn’t sustainable. He doesn’t start school until September 25.

No answers I’m afraid but I just posted something similar about my 3.3 year old and didn’t get much response - this board seems pretty quiet these days!

sending solidarity, we’ve had several failed attempts and lots of issues with poo. Also starts school next sep but I need wraparound care from this September and it doesn’t accept non toilet trained children so very much feeling the pressure!

I just can’t understand where I’ve gone so wrong with it - everyone else I know was potty trained so easily

I think I do just have to accept at the moment it’s not happening but I feel such a failure.

If he was 2.5 I would say leave it for now…but time is cracking on….have you looked at the ERIC website for support?

Yes - it’s informative, I’ll have another look. I really just don’t know what to do.

I'd say rule out constipation.
Then get him involved in removing clothing doing first wipe and redressing but without comment he will start to think about it more.

He’d refuse: we’re having a lot of behavioural problems which obviously isn’t helping.

You might not even need six months, if you put him back in nappies and tell him he can try again when he's ready for "big boy pants" he might decide he wants another go in a few weeks. Being ready emotionally as well as physically is the most important thing, mine were 2y6mo & 3y2mo potty trained and went from nappies to completely dry no accidents within 5 days (and honestly not exaggerating that!), no special tricks or methods they were both just ready and wanted to do it

I assume you are using pull ups or nappies alongside potty training? As that is the most common reason for potty training not to happen quickly? I wouldn't wait until 4, 3.5 is already very late. Change your method.

No, he’s been in pants since we started (November) although he has a pull up overnight but I’m not worried about that.

My main worry is undoing the small amount of progress we have made if I go back to nappies or pull ups.

Then I'd stand and wait saying let me know when you're ready.

Have you looked at traditional training pants they contain a lot of the mess but keep them uncomfortable do they know they are wet?

If anything you have probably left it a bit late. Scientific studies show it’s harder the older they get. Keep persevering. Presuming no SEN there is no reason a 4 year old should be in nappies.

look up the work of Rebecca Motram

We tried ds at 2.5, it was a disaster. Tried again at 3 and the same. Decided 3 months later to try again on a whim and he was done in a weekend. Dry overnight immediately, never wet the bed, no accidents. I honestly think that they're ready when they're ready..

Yes I’ve read that but it’s a bit late now and I’m really not convinced we’d have got anywhere by starting earlier. I did make a couple of failed attempts when he was two and a half and it was just hopeless, wouldn’t sit on the potty.

I think in my own mind I know I’ve got to give up for now, just feel such a failure.

Wees: can he hold it? If yes, then I’d persevere. Poos could be a preference thing, when we first started DS would only go in one particular pair of pants.

God no. Do you do nude time at home? Regular pee breaks?
DS had a urinal in the kitchen he prefers to a potty to toilet, it just sticks to the wall and you empty it like a potty.

do you do nude time at home

On the occasional time he goes naked he just pees and poos all over the floor 🤢

What's current methods and status?
By that I mean..

Potty or toilet in use?
Reward when achieved?
Number of wees in toilet/other vs in clothes (roughly in a day/week)?
Ever had a poo in toilet?
What's your routine when poo accident happens?
What does he say when you ask why he poos in pants not toilet?
Have you tried talking about poo? E.g. that we eat food, it goes in our tummy, our bodies take what we need to grow and play, and the rest comes out as poo.

Talking about toilets can also help - tissue and poo is broken down and removed from the water after it's flushed away, but if it's in our pants we have to waste water and energy washing them, cleaning our bums up and if it's in a nappy they aren't good for our planet - obviously you know your child and their vocab and how to word things in a simple way they would understand

What is the frequency/consistency of stools and has he had constipation issues before?

Potty or toilet in use? Toilet but do have a travel potty
Reward when achieved? No - doesn’t seem to understand
Number of wees in toilet/other vs in clothes (roughly in a day/week)? - depends, if you don’t take him he wets himself. So if he’s at nursery he’ll wet himself a lot
Ever had a poo in toilet? No
What's your routine when poo accident happens? Followed online advice to just stay calm and say never mind, try to get on the toilet next time
What does he say when you ask why he poos in pants not toilet? Just changes the subject
Have you tried talking about poo? E.g. that we eat food, it goes in our tummy, our bodies take what we need to grow and play, and the rest comes out as poo yes but he interrupts with random stuff so not sure how much goes in.

I think it’s the same with poo as wee and he’ll happily do them in his pants but wees are easier and more regular.

Try asking your health visitor for some help, both with the potty training and the behaviour. She might be able to suggest a different approach. Now that the weather is warmer, I would suggest staying at home for a week and going without pants and trousers during the day. Since he is 3.5, I really wouldn't be putting him back in nappies.

Thanks, I’ve done that but she didn’t really have any suggestions I hadn’t already tried although she was nice. I think I know I have to stop but I feel so shit about it, pardon the pun!

I've had massive problems training dd4. She originally trained at 2 then started holding her wees in. She's 4 now and agreed to wee on the potty as long as she has a choice of potties she can go in. But she won't take herself - we have to keep reminding her. But I'm pretty sure she's autistic and has PDA because we have similar battles around eating and drinking.

Does he help clean up after wees/poos? Not in a telling off way - but mine was hard - some children really are hard to do. And we started at age 3, very very hard until age 4, intermittent accidents after that. None for the past 3 months (touch wood) but he's over 5 now.

I will share my experience - in terms of him as a child he is easily distracted, talks a lot, enjoys what he enjoys and ignores what he doesn't. I did start to explain what manners were, what being rude was, and ask him what ears were for a lot 'listening' - right well mummy's talking time to listen.

I never got upset or frustrated but needed to break the boundary in terms of talking and listening. So with this and other topics if I was speaking and he interrupted and refused to listen I would stop him and say it is rude as I am talking, I need his listening ears on etc.

When he did a poo he helped tip it in the toilet while I explained that poo belongs in the toilet, he washed his own bum down, it took time and effort from him but I explained it's important it's his job and that if poo goes straight in the toilet then the job is much easier as he only needs to wipe his bum. Wees the same. Loading the washing machine, hanging on the line included. Simply an understanding of the work involved when accidents happen in clothes.

When caught short over the age of 4 I didn't do that, as it was generally that he tried but didn't make it - but at 3.5 with zero poos in the toilet and only intermittent wees and masses of washing I went down this approach.

There could be fear of the unknown in terms of pooing in a toilet which is why trying to open the communication is important. So you know if he really isn't aware if a poo is coming - or if he's scared of this process and change. By the changing of topic it seems a bit like he's reluctant/worried about it.

And speaking to a health visitor and continuing to speak to others helps, even if it's just because it is SO hard having all this washing and people saying how fast they did it etc which just makes you feel terrible. I really think some are harder than others but that it is worth perservering

Oh and in terms of rewards maybe small chocolate button or something he likes after every wee/poo is worth starting up, even if he doesn't understand it - just getting an association with something positive alongside toileting

Thanks @HAF1119 it is very frustrating.

Standing still after a poo is a challenge and I do think it’s a bit of embarrassment but trying to run off, wriggling and squirming … awful. Just had a bit of a cry about it all.