3.5 year old refuses to use potty/toilet

[MummyandMummytobe]

We tried to start potty training our 3.5 year old just after Christmas; I tried to follow the 'Oh Crap' book (not the best confidence-instiller given it tells the reader a number of times it's infinitely more difficult over age 3/3.5..). The first day his bottom half was naked, and it went ok, the few times he started going we got him to the potty and some went in, he even did a no.2 in there.

However from day 2 onwards he started holding everything in, to the point where he was running around clearly in pain from needing to wee, but mostly refusing to sit on the potty; he sat on a couple of times but seemed distressed and wouldn't sit long enough for to go (despite really needing to..). Once we put in the bath just to get a wee out as he hadn't been for hours on end and I was starting to worry about UTIs etc. We gave up after a few days as all 3 of us were getting more and more traumatised by it, and toddler just wasn't himself, not happy and constantly asking when it was Bedtime (presumably as he knew he'd get a nappy).

Since then we've bought a larger 'toilet' potty, which is more comfortable for him to sit on. He's asked to sit on there a few times, but always when he's already been in his nappy, so not really any chance of doing anything. Of course we let him sit on anyway and praise him for it.

We spoke to preschool and they suggested waiting for him to decide he wants to start using potty/toilet. I just can't see it happening that he proactively chooses to. He starts school in September, although we've been assured that schools can't discriminate, so that's not so much of a worry now, but obviously not ideal.

Has anyone else had a similar experience at all, and have any tips to share? Thank you!

Well @machanicalmovement as I mentioned before, you could try behaving like a parent 🙄

What an absolutely wonderful well thought out bit of advice. Any other problems that can be solved with ignorant lazy one liners?

Can parenting stop Seizures too, Or does it just work on preschool incontinence?

No but potty training is basic parenting. I really shouldn't have to explain that to you.

OP my daughter has the same problem with her child who is a similar age . Going to wait now until Easter Holidays when she can stay at home for a couple of weeks and give the potty training a good committed effort.Good luck 🍀

Thanks so much to those sharing helpful/supportive tips and comments. I think we will try maybe at Easter too with some days at home. Pullups might be worth a try, and some sort of coins system to collect for a bigger prize. We can try choc buttons again although he wasn't interested after a couple of days last time.

Actually today he asked to sit on the potty, I blew bubbles at the same time (he hasn't quite got the hang of blowing them himself yet) inspired by one of the posters :) he seemed to enjoy (although may have to be careful as he was also jumping up a bit to pop them!) but did seem to be trying to go. We'll also try again to encourage use of the toilet too, we do have the smaller insert child seats, though maybe as one poster suggested we could have them set up all the time to help.

I'm also planning to call the ERIC helpline before we start again properly: eric.org.uk/ (link in case helpful for anyone with similar issues, that weren't aware of it already). A couple of friends of mine have found this helpful.

@Ozcando thank you! Good luck to your daughter too.

@machanicalmovement I'm so sorry that you've had such a tough experience. I really hope you've got the support you need now, albeit not soon enough.

Try and see if he'd wee standing up with a step at the toilet. DS is 4, to be transparent he's been toilet trained since he was 2.5, so I'm not speaking from that experience, but within 6 months of toilet training he will only wee standing up, I think because he's seen DH do it. My friend used to put a cheerio in the toilet and her son loved trying to hit it! Previously he'd been reluctant. As he's a bit older he should be tall enough, might be worth a try?

He's not ready and if you push it you will make it worse. Just go back I to nappies but keep the toilets out and disable and praise any attempts to use them. Keep talking about when he's a big boy and uses the potty but don't push it. He'll get there

I started potty training my 3-year old twins on Friday.

I did loads of preparation.
Eg, we read the book "No more nappies" every day for about the last year.
Coming up to their 3rd birthday, I kept talking about when they are 3, they are big, and big children don't wear nappies.
I bought Peppa Pig and PawP

Sorry sent early

Paw Patrol pants.
I also bought toddler Training pants, which have some absorbency.
For trips outside the house, I got a Potette and a port-a-potty (a sealable case for wees).

It's going ok so far. One twin "forgets" a lot of the time, but the other says when she is going to wee.

They refer to the character in the "No more Nappies" book, so I think it really helps.

Also I'm bribing them with presents!

They each got a new book today.
If they use the potty, they'll get PawPatrol teddies tomorrow etc.

And sticker charts.

My youngest was a total camel child. Took forever to train her as she just stopped peeing the minute pants were put on her and I swear she could hold it all day!

If she wasn't up for it, I just left it another few weeks then tried again. No stress. I didn't want to make the whole thing too much of a big deal.

I used to put the tap on in the bathroom when she was sitting on the potty to help her go! 😂

She's been toilet trained about a year now and still pees like twice a day. She's got an iron bladder! She refuses point blank to use the nursery toilet but tbh, she isn't uncomfortable so I just run with it.

The fear all started when I took her with me to a public toilet and the hand driers scared the crap out of her.

Where I work, parents are invited in to change their children throughout the day, should their children need nappy changes during the school day. I think this could take the pressure off for you as you'll be able to rely on this. Maybe suggest it to the school?

Surely you realise there are children with no obvious special educational needs that can't potty train, and because the they can't be put on the waiting list for the continence team until they are 5, they are in nappies for the start of school.

My child clearly has something medically wrong, not special educational needs, but something undiagnosed yet.

You have repeatedly shown the discrimination he faces at 4. Like a lot of children in the same situation.

Give it a break. You’ve got lots of time before September. Retry in May, then if that fails retry again in august. Don’t make the potty into a fight of wills.

That's a very narrow view I'm guessing your children were a dream with no complications like Sen or bowel/bladder issues

I'm sure for most schools having to let parents into the office by intercom gates signing them in and escorting them to and from either nursery or reception then to changing area wait for nappy change then escorting out of building would be an inappropriate waste of time. Especially with so many in each class

@jannier I've been a teacher in eyfs for 13 years. We've only ever had an absolute maximum of 2 children per year group (90 children) who have needed a nappy change. Parents are allowed in the back gate for a quick nip in and change in the disabled toilet. DBS checked, saves the teachers time from doing a job that isn't in the remit!

@jannier obviously children with SEND have a 1:1 who meets their specific needs as per their IESP or EHCM plan.

And how do you suggest schools solve that problem?
Perhaps you could volunteer to help in your local reception class and see the reality of working with 30+ small children with a staff ratio of one to 15.

@frenchnoodle it's not arrogance, it's reality.
In my opinion, and I realise this will be an unpopular view, parents are leaving toilet training far too late these days. Apart from the occasional child with severe SEND, all children should be toilet trained by the time they start school. It was possible in the past, why not now?

@Macaroni46 this. Exactly!