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Potty training

Is your child ready for potty training at nursery? Here's the place for all your toilet training questions.

Original poster

3.5 year old refuses to use potty/toilet

103 replies

MummyandMummytobe · 04/03/2023 14:11

We tried to start potty training our 3.5 year old just after Christmas; I tried to follow the 'Oh Crap' book (not the best confidence-instiller given it tells the reader a number of times it's infinitely more difficult over age 3/3.5..). The first day his bottom half was naked, and it went ok, the few times he started going we got him to the potty and some went in, he even did a no.2 in there.

However from day 2 onwards he started holding everything in, to the point where he was running around clearly in pain from needing to wee, but mostly refusing to sit on the potty; he sat on a couple of times but seemed distressed and wouldn't sit long enough for to go (despite really needing to..). Once we put in the bath just to get a wee out as he hadn't been for hours on end and I was starting to worry about UTIs etc. We gave up after a few days as all 3 of us were getting more and more traumatised by it, and toddler just wasn't himself, not happy and constantly asking when it was Bedtime (presumably as he knew he'd get a nappy).

Since then we've bought a larger 'toilet' potty, which is more comfortable for him to sit on. He's asked to sit on there a few times, but always when he's already been in his nappy, so not really any chance of doing anything. Of course we let him sit on anyway and praise him for it.

We spoke to preschool and they suggested waiting for him to decide he wants to start using potty/toilet. I just can't see it happening that he proactively chooses to. He starts school in September, although we've been assured that schools can't discriminate, so that's not so much of a worry now, but obviously not ideal.

Has anyone else had a similar experience at all, and have any tips to share? Thank you!

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Led9519 · 04/03/2023 17:12

Btw i’m not asking my toddler constantly if she needs to go. I find it just adds to stress. I might ask every couple of hours but not every 30 minutes. She doesn’t like the feeling of wet knickers. Two days and a lot more accidents than successes but she just did a wee and poo in the potty and sat on it herself so we’ll get there. When we’re out and about I use pull ups and will take her to the loo hoping the novelty will mean she goes! She likes her pull ups they’re Minnie Mouse!
If he’s being stubborn, you have to be more stubborn I think!

citybumpkin · 04/03/2023 17:35

@MummyandMummytobe Very stressful! I adopted the "I don't care approach" i.e. toilet is there, use it if you want to. There wasn't anywhere in the house she hadn't peed and one day she went through 3 lots of clothing. I could feel my stress levels going through the roof. Plus we also had the added bonus of school looming and were told if she is in nappies then she isn't allowed to attend. DD is very independent and stubborn so I suspect she preferred the autonomy.

Another thing we tried was to put a favourite toy in the bathroom. If DD went to the toilet then obviously she got to see the toy. She eventually got wise to this and at one point sneakily exchanged toys but it worked for a while!

Original poster
MummyandMummytobe · 04/03/2023 19:38

Thanks so much for the responses and tips!

Maybe pull-ups could be worth a go.. I don't think it'll change whether he actually chooses to go but who knows. Also offering him to stand up to wee (with a target?!)
We've definitely tried to be nonchalant about it all since, to an extent at least..

OP posts:
Original poster
MummyandMummytobe · 04/03/2023 19:39

@Immychops I feel your pain..

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 04/03/2023 21:19

Immychops · 04/03/2023 16:44

Just to say my 3.5 year old refuses to use the potty.
I just feel rubbish about it, and embarrassed.

Don't feel that way. I know it's hard. I felt as though all my friends younger kids were trained before DS. I couldn't understand why he wouldn't just do it. But as I said below, something just clicked in his head one day when he was just past 4 and it worked almost from day 1 with no issues.

Choconut · 04/03/2023 21:28

I'd just have him sit on the toilet for now, get some bubbles that are just for when he's on the toilet and get him to blow bubbles - blowing helps with pooing as well for some reason I can't remember.

Original poster
MummyandMummytobe · 04/03/2023 21:34

Thank you! One or two others have mentioned a special toy for the toilet, so we could see if something like this works. Although it feels along the same vein is rewards/bribery which he wasn't into before.. but you never know!

OP posts:
noscoobydoodle · 04/03/2023 21:54

My DS is my third child- my older two showed an interest and were reliable well before 2.5. We practically had to wrench the nappies off DS- I think he would have happily just kept on wearing them and no number of fancy character pants or 'big boy' chat was going to persuade him otherwise. He also wouldn't wear pullups. I found it very frustrating and a bit embarrassing like some of the other posters have mentioned. We started off just at home with pants and a potty in his line of sight at all times and he always wore a nappy out and about. We bribed him with chocolate buttons to use the potty- stickers did not cut it. Then once he had a decent success rate at home after a couple of weeks he started in pants also at nursery. He was still a bit unreliable (and didn't care if he was wet/dirty). He still wore nappies if we were anywhere else and would happily have worn nappies all day and night. All of a sudden one day about a month later he just cracked it and ever since had been super reliable anywhere we go and will ask to be taken to the toilet and only needs a nappy at night.

gogohmm · 04/03/2023 22:09

Coins worked for us. Dd liked books, mr men ones in particular which were $2 at the time, one quarter per successful potty day (actually toilet she didn't like the potty) so every 8 days we went to choose a new book. Took 5 books to get completely day dry

gogohmm · 04/03/2023 22:11

Normal schools do not have the staffing to change nappies - sen is different as they have specific funding. Typically children used to be trained between 2&3 and there's no indication why a child without medical needs shouldn't be trained before school starts. My dd has autism so it was particularly challenging but she was already diagnosed

machanicalmovement · 05/03/2023 08:56

gogohmm · 04/03/2023 22:11

Normal schools do not have the staffing to change nappies - sen is different as they have specific funding. Typically children used to be trained between 2&3 and there's no indication why a child without medical needs shouldn't be trained before school starts. My dd has autism so it was particularly challenging but she was already diagnosed

And this is not our issue to solve, the schools have a duty within the law to make sure our children are adequately taken care of, this includes not neglectfully sat around in soiled nappies or pants.

machanicalmovement · 05/03/2023 09:00

Unfortunately you can't just magically get a place at special school kids on the pathway to diagnoses end up in main stream. Where the teachers automatically blame the parents, then eventually realise, very slowly, that there is a medical issue. Because if their total arrogance.

In my experience.

AlwaysLatte · 05/03/2023 09:04

Maybe it's about where the potty is located? Ours didn't really use the potty much as we had family toilet seats which seemed grown up for them (also a sticker chart in the bathroom for each visit with a treat at the end of 10 visits, plus a ready supply of chocolate buttons worked wonders!)

jannier · 05/03/2023 12:19

MummyandMummytobe · 04/03/2023 15:50

Thanks a lot for all the replies.

On using the toilet instead, we did offer/encourage him to use the toilet too, but he was if anything, even less inclined to sit on there. We've got the adapter seats/step stools etc but he's never sat on them. The larger 'toilet' potty we bought later is definitely more suitable than a normal potty, I agree these are too small for his age really.

He rarely tells us when he needs to go or even when he's been already. If we can tell he's been and ask him, it's 50/50 whether he gives us the right answer, so having a full nappy (inclusing no.2's) doesn't seem to bother him in the slightest. There are a few predictable times he tends to go for a no.2, but no idea on no.1s.

Thinking back, it was probably less the concern about possible UTIs, but more just how absolutely distressed and upset he was running round needing to go and not. I didn't want to give up, we tried for about 5 days but after a few days of this he was becoming increasingly withdrawn and we were genuinely worried that pushing on for longer would just traumatise him/instill a huge fear of the potty.

We tried a sticker chart, not incentivised by that. Maybe something like a coin collection with a prize after a certain amount could be of more interest!

It's never worth stressing them I'd wait a month or so. Then try again even if it's with pull ups

jannier · 05/03/2023 12:20

gogohmm · 04/03/2023 22:11

Normal schools do not have the staffing to change nappies - sen is different as they have specific funding. Typically children used to be trained between 2&3 and there's no indication why a child without medical needs shouldn't be trained before school starts. My dd has autism so it was particularly challenging but she was already diagnosed

In my local primary last September there were 5 children in reception in pull ups not related to a sen

machanicalmovement · 05/03/2023 12:30

jannier · 05/03/2023 12:20

In my local primary last September there were 5 children in reception in pull ups not related to a sen

Show quote history

Of course you don't know this as SEN can and normally is diagnosed later on.
Parents are judged by everyone when their child is 4, then suddenly at 12 everyone else works out that child has autism / .

PleaseJustText · 05/03/2023 12:45

And this is not our issue to solve, the schools have a duty within the law to make sure our children are adequately taken care of, this includes not neglectfully sat around in soiled nappies or pants.

Sorry @machanicalmovement but I think you'll find schools do see it as your issue to solve. You're the parent.

machanicalmovement · 05/03/2023 12:57

PleaseJustText · 05/03/2023 12:45

And this is not our issue to solve, the schools have a duty within the law to make sure our children are adequately taken care of, this includes not neglectfully sat around in soiled nappies or pants.

Sorry @machanicalmovement but I think you'll find schools do see it as your issue to solve. You're the parent.

And on which planet is school funding the problem of parents to solve?

The fact that most schools are not keeping up an adequate duty of care is disgusting.

machanicalmovement · 05/03/2023 12:59

The fact that schools "Ddon't have the staffing or the funding" to follow the law isn't my problem is it?

jannier · 05/03/2023 14:09

machanicalmovement · 05/03/2023 12:30

Of course you don't know this as SEN can and normally is diagnosed later on.
Parents are judged by everyone when their child is 4, then suddenly at 12 everyone else works out that child has autism / .

Show quote history

What we do know is that since covid the number of children entering school in nappies has increased. We've never had 5 in one class before....there are a further 2 with Sen so 7 in a class of 30. The children are not refused but it does take away from teaching as not having a Sen means no additional staffing.

GettingStuffed · 05/03/2023 14:11

You can buy seats that go over the toilet seat and makes it smaller, DGS was scared of falling in.

Sammymurrey · 05/03/2023 16:45

I’d say put him back into nappies, and wait 1 or 2 months. Then start afresh. Worst case scenario is he goes to school in nappies. You can always potty train him in the Christmas holidays. You could try asking if he wants a nappy and take him to the bathroom and let him do a poo in his nappy on the toilet, that could be a good compromise.

PleaseJustText · 05/03/2023 17:21

And on which planet is school funding the problem of parents to solve?

The lack of parenting is your problem to solve. If your child can't go to the toilet then they aren't ready for school.

machanicalmovement · 05/03/2023 18:25

PleaseJustText · 05/03/2023 17:21

And on which planet is school funding the problem of parents to solve?

The lack of parenting is your problem to solve. If your child can't go to the toilet then they aren't ready for school.

I KNOW he isn't ready and isn't coping in school, I know this as I can see him struggle every day.
I'm glad i have someone of your intellect on the thread, maybe you can explain what i can do instead?

Currently I send him in the mornings, it's what he can cope with, the school don't like it but oh well.

I could take him out of school, great, but what happens in September, when he's of compulsory school age and still in nappies?

machanicalmovement · 05/03/2023 18:34

jannier · 05/03/2023 14:09

What we do know is that since covid the number of children entering school in nappies has increased. We've never had 5 in one class before....there are a further 2 with Sen so 7 in a class of 30. The children are not refused but it does take away from teaching as not having a Sen means no additional staffing.

Show quote history

We are starting to realise that the isolation which prevented social interaction, masks which prevented children seeing visible facial expressions, constant reminders to wash hands and lack of structured routine have caused delays in loads of kids across those two years.

But that's not surprising, and it had been expected that this kind of damage to early development would happen.
I'm not sure this age of preschoolers can be compared to any others, they've been socially stunted but it's not any bodies fault.