I’m not coping with poo withholding 3.5 year old...have spent most of the weekend in tears. Reaching out for support

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I’ve posted about this before and had lots of helpful advice. However I’m just not coping at the moment. Finding myself getting really angry when my DD poos in her pants. I hold the anger in for the most part but have been sobbing in front of my 3.5 yr old DD saying ‘please can you just poo on the toilet’. My husband had to take Friday off because I was unable to cope with the situation. I couldn’t stop crying.

She holds her poo in all day, to go in a nappy at night. She’s desperate to go all day so you see her wiggling around trying to hold it in all day but bits come out when she relaxes.

At the moment we are on lactulose to keep it soft, doing 2x toilet sits a day where she wears a nappy to keep her relaxed. She’s happy to sit on the toilet in a nappy, and will let some poop out but not all of it. I’m hoping the more she sits in a nappy the more relaxed she will become and do bigger poos on the toilet.

Do I just put her in a nappy all day and accept that at 3.5 she’s not ready for pants? I feel like it’s a major step backwards. Plus she’s at nursery and I don’t want her friends to notice and laugh at her.

I need help. I feel totally out of my depth. Everyone else I know has zero problems with potty training and I’m the only one not coping.

These things can feel so stressful but it will sort itself out. I think put her back in nappies for a bit just so you can stop stressing and worrying so much for a while. Give her and you a break and focus on fun relaxed things for a few days and then think about the reward charts again!

Hang in there

Does she know that she is pooing? My dd was simillar and she just asked for a nappy to do a poo so wasn't in one all day, just twice for about 10 mins.

Ps her friends won’t laugh at her at this age.

Would she poo in a potty rather than toilet? Maybe she doesn't like the splash. What happens at nursery or pre school?

Lactulose is pretty useless. Probably needs movicol/laxido. I would suggest having a look at eric.org.uk

My DS went through a stage of going to find a nappy putting it on, pooing, then telling me to change him. He was around this age I think. It was pretty annoying but I made zero comment on it, just changed him and kept it all very relaxed. He grew out of it quite quickly. Oh and we resorted to bribery - poos on the loo got a chocolate button as a “celebration”.

I’d be tempted to say to her “you don’t need to wait for your night time nappy, if you want to poo in a nappy you can have one now”.

At 3 1/2 Can you ask her why?.
Some children just are scared of change.
I know my friend had an old mobile, and her Dd was allowed cartoons on the loo, it helped to make it a happier place.
Also could you slit the nappy, so the poo drops out.

As others have said I would just let her poo in a nappy. Can she tell you when she needs to go? If she can then tell her to let you know. Pooing can take longer and it is very common. You need to relax. making it into a big deal and her seeing you crying is just going to make it into a huge thing for her.

Argh I remember this well. It's hard to explain to people who have never had this problem quite how bad it gets and how it can affect the whole family.

For DS what worked was to talk about it. He was convinced that pooing was a scary thing that only happened to him, and was desperate to stop it. We explained that it is a normal thing, that it means that your body is working well, and that everyone does it every day. You should have seen his face! He was genuinely gobsmacked. After he understood that he was much more relaxed - that was the beginning of the end of withholding for him.

Good luck

Let her have a nappy to poo in during the day, she doesn’t need it all the time.

Yes gift her with whatever treat is most desirable each time she poos on the loo! Sweet, chocolate, screen time…

DS1 was the same. It was absolute hell. I really didn't handle it well at all.

He would be running round the house screaming as he was desperate to poo but wouldn't go on the toilet. Was completely dry urine wise.

In the end l backed off completely. He went to school at just turned four in pants. Then at night l put a cheap nappy on him just to poo in.

He got to about 4.5yrs and l thought I'd try once more and got the potty out.

He looked at it and said "potties are for babies, l poo in the toilet"... and he did.

I could have fainted with shock!

Never had an issue since. He just wasn't ready and nothing can force them to be ready.

Her poos at night are perfectly soft with the lactulose. And it would be fine if she just needed the one nappy for a ten minute full poo, but I think she’s got so nervous about pooing during the day that even with a nappy on she holds it in, so little bits come out all day.

I don’t think it’s impaction overflow because she knows it’s coming out.

It is quite common for children to be scared of pooing on the toilet or potty. My Ds was like this and was 4 before it was sorted.

I did not ever put a nappy on him though, he did it in his pants (luckily it was always firm) . I would let her do it in her pants, rather than putting a nappy on. Keep encouraging and praising wees, rewarding with 1 sticker or chocolate button for a wee and reminding every time, you get 2 for a poo.

Just always have spare pants and leggings and wet wipes.

I’m just falling apart. I’m being an awful mother. I feel like this is too much for me to cope with

Just to reassure you my 3.5 year old DS is still in nappies at nursery. No one laughs or comments. Presumably she has another year before she goes to primary school? She’s got loads of time!

Honestly just let her poo in her nappy if she's not ready. When my DS was dry he went through the with holding poo stage but he wouldn't go at all, it was hell.
He was going weeks at a time and needed enemas and it was so horrific for everyone. If she's worried, let her go in the nappy for now, you don't want to end up at the stage we were at where she refuses to go at all.
My ds sorted himself out when I stopped stressing and trying to make him go. He was dry at 3.8 and then fully trained at 3.10. Much later than DD. But you absolutely do more harm than good by trying to force it. She will poo on the toilet when she's ready.

I think you also need to get a little perspective. Not wanting to be unkind - I know that when you're in the middle of a situation with children it can seem like the end of the world. But it really isn't. But hard to cope with when you're in a mindset that it's a huge deal etc. Is there anyone you trust that you could completely offload to and get advice

Thanks all.

@Findahouse21 yes I agree. Think I’m so lost in it that I’ve lost perspective. I really struggle in seeing a positive end when things aren’t going quite right.

I'd say put her in a nappy! If it's so stressful for her that she'd rather be uncomfortable all day just so she can go in the evening I'd put her back in nappies to take the pressure off and make her feel safe and secure. It's summer soon so you'll have lots of chances to be nappy free and try the potty then. When she's ready it will be easy and it'll be less time than you think I am sure. Good luck!

Poor little mite and poor you. Mine has serious poo impaction and was on loads of Movicol but clenched every time she went to poo -as it bloody hurt her. The more they hold it, the more it hurts, the more they clench, the worse it gets...........

So I can suggest the basics

1. Poo star chart. Every poo in the potty means star on chart -little treat from treat box eg stickers etc (start BIG and then reduce the size of the prize)
2. Although I said potty -get rid of it. Many children with poo issues need to rock and lean forward and back use the toilet and feet high up on a toilet seat. We made our own version of this www.amazon.co.uk/Squatty-Original-Bathroom-Squatting-Position/dp/B007BISCT0?tag=mumsnetforu03-21
3. Let her see you both do it as a poo -I know this sound revolting and others will vomit. But I let mine see me poo and that it didn't hurt. She watched, listened for the splash and then clapped for me
4. If she is not pooing in her pants or weeing -take her out of them?
5. Put them on at night only -no need if no accidents in the day
6. Make up a fun story for Lara -Sorry I made up the name. Eg One day Lara was out walking and there was no toilet. Oh no thought Lara ............we made up a funny one where she found other animal poos and then pooed on the toilet and taught the other animals too (it was over 10 years ago)!
7. The Poo book www.amazon.co.uk/Story-Little-Business-Children-Picture/dp/1856021017/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&s=books&crid=2W8FNN6S3MECK&keywords=the+mole+who+knew+it+was+none+of+his+business&sprefix=the+mole+who+%2Cdrugstore%2C282&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1622571792&sr=1-1 Is a lovely story.
8. We made poo normal -eg out on a walk identify book of animals. We don't mind the noises (as long as not deliberate etc)
9. I also suggest a gentle rectal exam visually -does she have a fissure, or piles that need treating -be very gentle and respectful (I was and she had piles)
10. Gentle warm bath before and after poo

Over 10 years on - I can assure you that mine still has 'poo' issues but she potty trained early and it made a massive difference all of the over

Good luck!

OP why do you think this is triggering you so much? Do you know how your own potty training/early years went? Are you getting any support/therapy? Having a very small child is hard work and the pandemic has magnified everything emotionally to such a great extent.

Sending good vibes

God no way are you an awful mother! Don’t let this upset you. It isn’t anything you have done. I’ve got four kids and they all have been trained at different times except for DS who is still holding on. It isn’t a measure of how clever she is or how well you have done as a mum. Some kids are ready later than others. Some need help. It’s ok. There are no prizes for pooing (unless you bribe them with chocolate buttons )

Try the Eric website. It might give you ideas and you won't feel alone.

My child had to have a nappy over the toilet pan, then would sit on the loo.

It is a phase. It's stressful but it won't be forever.