I’m not coping with poo withholding 3.5 year old...have spent most of the weekend in tears. Reaching out for support

[Hfjshdhs]

I’ve posted about this before and had lots of helpful advice. However I’m just not coping at the moment. Finding myself getting really angry when my DD poos in her pants. I hold the anger in for the most part but have been sobbing in front of my 3.5 yr old DD saying ‘please can you just poo on the toilet’. My husband had to take Friday off because I was unable to cope with the situation. I couldn’t stop crying.

She holds her poo in all day, to go in a nappy at night. She’s desperate to go all day so you see her wiggling around trying to hold it in all day but bits come out when she relaxes.

At the moment we are on lactulose to keep it soft, doing 2x toilet sits a day where she wears a nappy to keep her relaxed. She’s happy to sit on the toilet in a nappy, and will let some poop out but not all of it. I’m hoping the more she sits in a nappy the more relaxed she will become and do bigger poos on the toilet.

Do I just put her in a nappy all day and accept that at 3.5 she’s not ready for pants? I feel like it’s a major step backwards. Plus she’s at nursery and I don’t want her friends to notice and laugh at her.

I need help. I feel totally out of my depth. Everyone else I know has zero problems with potty training and I’m the only one not coping.

My mum's advice on all things potty training was do you know any adults who aren't toilet trained? Do you even know any teenagers? Any kids aged 8/9/10? (barring any underlying conditions obviously). Kids get there eventually. The more drama and pressure there is the longer it will take.

My son was exactly the same. I used to sit on a chair in front of him while he sat on the toilet reading him a story. Eventually he would be so engrossed in the story that he would relax and do a poo.
Took a few times until he realised there was nothing to be scared of

I gave my son a ‘sweetie’ (multi vitamin) every time he had a poo on the toilet instead of his pants. It worked a treat!

@Hfjshdhs I meant mine still has stomach issues (now identified as some food intolerant etc!) I can reassure you that SHE has not issues with going to the toilet. I have just asked her what is most useful when she feels bunged up and she says water and then fruit juice and time no pressure. Music and headphones she says or a book!

@Hfjshdhs I tend to catastrophise myself so I was trying to word it so carefully - absolutely no criticism intended at all

As well as the toilet sits, enforced drinking and medication I used very cheap pants from Primark and binned a fair number of them.

Also, I should have said @Hfjshdhs, it's nothing that you are doing wrong, my Ds was my 3rd child, so I'd already potty trained 2 others. It really is a common problem.

Have you tried poo land? Nice little story. A bit of screen time as a reward too.

I have been where you are, for almost 2 years. DS is 5 in a few weeks and I would say we are 90% there. He would be bright red, twisted up like a pretzel, we would have to carry him to the toilet and he still wouldn't go. Half and hour after takin him off the toilet he would pop himself.
I be never thought I would cry so much over poo l, I felt like an awful mother. I can't say how, when or why exactly it started to get better but it did.
We got a lot of advice from ERIC. They called us back and we had a lovely chat with them. It helped us feel less alone.

To the poster who said do you know any kids aged 8/9/10 who are still doing this - I am similarly at the end of my tether with DS aged 7 who was like this aged 3.5 and has never really got better - at least he did for a year or so but it's now awful again. O wish I knew what I did wrong to end up like this. Pants soiled every single day, lies about it, doesn't EVER say he needs a poo.

Sorry OP I don't want to make you think it's likely to continue this long - just to say feels like it is destroying our family relationships too.

Ah my Dd went thru this stage. If you haven't already, try the book or app 'poo goes to poo land'...

Op, you've had some wonderful advice and I don't have more to add but, if its any consolation, a friend of mine is potty training her first and told me how when she was little apparently she used to do exactly the same as your little one. Hold it in all day until she got into her nighttime nappy.

I've known her since we 5 and she was well past it by then...So please try not to worry. My friend is the most together person I know certainly had no issues as a result.

You're a great mum and you've this

I honestly think putting her back in nappies for a bit to defuse the situation for all of you is worth a try. Realistically can it be any worse than the current situation? I'd be really surprised if her peers even noticed or cared about her being in nappies.

If it were me I would go back to nappies until you've got a good few weeks of her pooing regularly and happily in them. Let her take them off for a wee if she wants but don't push it. Then try and get her to sit on the potty in a nappy for a poo. Nice, relaxed time - stories, TV, whatever makes her feel relaxed while she's on there. Then praise +++ when she goes. Maybe chuck the poo from the nappy into the toilet with her so she can see where it goes. Then go to sitting on the potty without a nappy, but be prepared to put a nappy back on when she asks.

Baby steps. But for now you need both of you to feel better about the whole business

Try the app poo goes to pooland

My DD used to do this and by the time she was 3.5 I was often in tears. It does get better.

Clearly she’s not ready to be out of nappies

Have a read of this - it's very common and can be overcome! Good luck 😉

www.eric.org.uk/pdf-children-who-will-only-poo-in-a-nappy

Have you tried 'mr poo goes to pooland resources'?

But even with that. I'd maybe try backing right off and trying again in a month when DC may be more receptive to a new idea as oppose to it being a battle of wills.

you need a poo tin! It's ok it's only a reward tin for using the potty. Fill it with lovely objects (that she can choose) and every time she pops in the potty she gets something out of the tin. It really worked for my son. (I filled his with toy cars and toy mobile phones!!)

Sending you love OP!

I'm in a similar position - my son holds his in all the time. He will eventually go but after several accidents! We are in movicol after a impaction. Just do whatever works for you both for now x

We had exactly the same with dd, we put her in pull ups then bought cheap knicker packs and used my old cloth nappy bucket to soak before washing. The bad ones we just chucked away. She was on movicol and lactulaze? I think? But what really helped in the end was getting her to drink more, especially fresh juice.
I was so stressed by it and once I chilled out it did help her.

Things to try:-
Going on the loo to try for a poo twenty mins after eating (esp breakfast) as food stimulates the bowel.
On the loo make sure her feet are on a flat surface and knees a bit higher than hips - might need a step for this
Blowing bubbles, balloons etc will help stimulate the bowel and take her mind off poos
You can build up gradually - when she's wriggling or showing signs of needing a poo she can sit on closed loo wearing nappy to have a poo, sitting in nappy on open toilet, wearing a nappy with hole cut out on loo so has security of nappy but poo ca go into the toilet
If there is an issue with constipation you need this sorting first though (with the right meds) as she could be in a lot of discomfort and may not even be able to feel herself having a poo
Read books like 'the story of the little mole' to talk about poos
Lots of fluids and a good balanced diet with fibre rich foods, check not having gallons of milk or loads of bananas
All accidents still change in the bathroom , tip poi in pants down toilet so the association is there and she's still having to go through the toilet routine incase there's a little bit of avoidance

My Dc was a poo holder (now 20 something so there is hope)

We did the lactulose etc and finally saw a specialist paediatrician.

This may be a very simplistic summary but was a long time ago, however I still remember the frustration and stress. It seems that DC eczema on bottom meant that when they tried to go it hurt.
Dr explained to me that if some trauma whilst potty training-in this case raw skin hurting when they went-meant that instead of recognising the urge to go meant to push it actually sort of rewired brain and the brain thought absolutely do not push as it hurts.
Which does make sense.
Are there any other factors like this in your DD case?
We got the eczema under control and gradually DC learned that it was ok to go.

Poor darling wanted so much to do it and was actually very frustrated by the whole thing as well.

It will get sorted-it will be ok.

It is unlikely that she will go to Uni in nappies
(not trying to be flippant-this is exactly how I was thinking at the time!)

Good luck

Have you seen a specialist or been referred to the incontinence service?
My 4 year old was poo holding for around a year. He would leak poo numerous times a day.
We ended up on a really high dose of movicol, 6 sachets a day and 10ml of sodium picosulfate, which meant when he did go it would empty his bowel in one lot as he couldn't hold it in.
I would highly recommend getting it sorted properly.
He's finally stopped the movicol and is just on sodium picosulfate now and does one ginormous poo on the toilet at 7am every day.
I was also in tears with the stress of it all.

Also we tried everything prior to this. Lactulose didn't work, reward charts didn't work, bribery, taking treats away, sitting on the toilet 3 times a day with bubbles to blow, making mooing sounds while sat on the toilet etc etc. All the tips and tricks we could try and nothing worked until we saw the incontinence service. Your health visitor can refer you.