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Potty training

Is your child ready for potty training at nursery? Here's the place for all your toilet training questions.

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Original poster

I’m not coping with poo withholding 3.5 year old...have spent most of the weekend in tears. Reaching out for support

69 replies

Hfjshdhs · 01/06/2021 18:53

I’ve posted about this before and had lots of helpful advice. However I’m just not coping at the moment. Finding myself getting really angry when my DD poos in her pants. I hold the anger in for the most part but have been sobbing in front of my 3.5 yr old DD saying ‘please can you just poo on the toilet’. My husband had to take Friday off because I was unable to cope with the situation. I couldn’t stop crying.

She holds her poo in all day, to go in a nappy at night. She’s desperate to go all day so you see her wiggling around trying to hold it in all day but bits come out when she relaxes.

At the moment we are on lactulose to keep it soft, doing 2x toilet sits a day where she wears a nappy to keep her relaxed. She’s happy to sit on the toilet in a nappy, and will let some poop out but not all of it. I’m hoping the more she sits in a nappy the more relaxed she will become and do bigger poos on the toilet.

Do I just put her in a nappy all day and accept that at 3.5 she’s not ready for pants? I feel like it’s a major step backwards. Plus she’s at nursery and I don’t want her friends to notice and laugh at her.

I need help. I feel totally out of my depth. Everyone else I know has zero problems with potty training and I’m the only one not coping.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Donitta · 01/06/2021 21:18

Honestly the only thing that worked for me was removing nappies completely. Then he had to go - sometimes in his trousers but eventually on the loo. We often sat on the loo for half an hour watching YouTube.

Tessa84 · 01/06/2021 21:34

OP, I was in a similar situation a while back.

Randomly I came across two books for children and 2days after reading the stories to DD she was sorted.

She had the odd moment of doubt and had to read the books often at times... sometimes whilst doing the business..

Hang on there! It will be OK.

Here are the books:
I can't, I won't, no way Tracey J Vessillo
It hurst when I poop Howard J Bennett

I really wish I had bought them sooner!

GOOD LUCK!!

MyHairNeedsASnip · 01/06/2021 21:48

We had this too. It was an awful time. DD accidentally did a poo on the potty and the sensation scared the erm... shit out of her, so she'd save her poo for the night time nappy.

What worked for me was backing off completely and putting a nappy on when she needed a poo, on condition that she had to go stand in the bathroom to do it.

A few days of that, we tried sitting on the loo wearing a nappy to poo.

A few days of that and I started to loosen the nappy until we were at a point where it was so loose the poo rolled straight into the loo.

After 2 years of holding it in, that cracked it.

I can really sympathise with you on this one, I remember the feeling so well

Sunshine1235 · 01/06/2021 21:58

I feel your pain, I had this with my son and it was so awful. I would say in our experience the lactulose made things worse, I was very worried about him getting constipated so used this but I think actually it made him lose control and he was constantly doing little bits and wiggling around and then letting bits out like you describe. We changed to movicol and that along with a super relaxed attitude (which we faked) and a strict routine of sitting on the toilet finally helped. He’s 4.5 now and will still go through stages of regression and withholding but usually as long as I don’t push it and stick to the routine (we don’t need movicol anymore) he’ll go within a few days

princessbananahammock252 · 01/06/2021 22:00

Can I make a suggestion that worked for us? Albeit my daughter was slightly younger but that's an advantage because your DD will understand once you've earnt her trust in the matter.

We toilet trained my daughter at 2.5, just before lockdown. But that was for wee's only. She would not poo. Not even in her underwear. Actually she did it the once on the first day of toilet training and she absolutely hated it so refused to do it again in her underwear and even more so in the toilet. So as a result of that we decided that she would tell us when she needed to poo, and we put on a pull up for her. Before this we never used pull ups, just normal nappies, just cos she wasn't a wriggler, so we were able to do the whole up down thing as though she was wearing underwear. Secondly, we made sure we stayed in the bathroom for this poo in the pull up. We did everything as we would with her, except she pooped in the pull up, standing right beside the toilet. We even wiped with toilet paper once she was done. I wasn't entirely happy with this but I think I unfairly
had massively high expectations of my DD. It worked for us. We did this for about 6-8 weeks post successful dry days and nights, so it went on for much longer than you'd expect. Then one day, she accidentally pooped in the toilet. And she literally had a moment of wondering what all the fuss was about. And that was it, we haven't looked back since.

I will mention, she has been on Movicol ever since she was about 18 months old.

You are not failing her at all. I think it's just a case of winding the whole situation back
In and starting from the basics. Earn her trust that you understand, and help her move forward with whatever tools she needs.

drum123 · 01/06/2021 22:01

I passed your thread on to a friend who doesn't have a mumsnet account and she asked me to post this.

You’re not a bad mum and you’re not alone. I’m having a very similar problem. DS1 (almost 4 and due to start school) happily wees in the toilet (standing) but when he needs to poo he hides and does it (standing) in his pants. Fortunately, it’s usually quite firm but there’ve been a few horrendous messes to clear up. We’ve tried star charts and rewards but without success as he needs to actually do a poo in the toilet first! And he never has. If I know he’s about to poo and I take him to the toilet, he just holds it in till he has an opportunity to hide and do it. I don’t want to put him back in nappy pants in case he stops weeing in the toilet! I’ve been very stressed about it with school looming but I’ve recently come to accept that I can’t force it - just have to keep encouraging, telling him poos go in the toilet not pants etc, giving him regular practice at sitting on the toilet (he’s too big for the potty now). Even if he starts school with the problem it’s not the end of the world - he will get there eventually. So will your DD. So no real advice - just a bit of parental solidarity.

Original poster

Hfjshdhs · 01/06/2021 22:05

Thank you so much everyone for taking the time to post. This is all so helpful

OP posts:

feelinggeriatric · 01/06/2021 22:08

Think I would also defuse and put back in nappies. Then when she turns 4 give her something maybe she can collect and she gets another one everytime she poos on the toilet - sticker book? And make a big deal of how old 4 is, I'd work up to it .

My dd had an issue when starting school and we used a potty for a while with the movicol. The position she sat in the potty meant she couldn't hold it in. I used to put it in front of the telly and leave her to it !

But you need to get yourself in the right head space first hence I'd go with nappies for a bit.

Xiaohei · 01/06/2021 22:08

My son ( nearly 5 ) does this and we are under the specialist bowel clinic- the nurse told me there’s enough children who withhold in our local area for three full time nurses. She also said children can really only control 2 things: what they eat ( what goes in) and what come out. He is on movicol as his bowel had stretched into a pouch from the withholding and so was leaking, and once you get to that point the child can’t feel the urge and the muscles won’t work properly. We had gone to our GP who was useless and just said it was one of those things, but then a friend, had the same prob said we should look at getting a referral and I’m glad we did. Nurses also said sometimes the kids can get hooked on any reaction, so if he has an accident now ( we’re noticing when there is ‘change’ he does it e.g. school holidays) we just don’t react, nothing. But if he does get on the toilet he gets to choose sweets and we play this one up. We’ve found it really tough going, esp. as his brother who’s just a year younger has been fine. The nurse told me they all grow out of it eventually but I think if I were you I would press for a referral, because it’s reassuring not to feel on your own and to also know just how common it is

BigHeadBertha · 01/06/2021 22:10

@Hfjshdhs

She holds her poo in all day, to go in a nappy at night. She’s desperate to go all day so you see her wiggling around trying to hold it in all day but bits come out when she relaxes.

I need help. I feel totally out of my depth. Everyone else I know has zero problems with potty training and I’m the only one not coping.

Please keep in mind that toilet training is a time in childhood when child abuse spikes hugely.

You really need to stop this and calm down because crying over it is a danger sign. Children are all different and they become fully potty trained when they're able to and not one day sooner. One of mine was fully done with it before age two and the other was nearly four. And guess what? Nobody cares.

I think you should stop all of it for now. Take a break. It's okay.

huuuuunnnndderrricks · 01/06/2021 22:14

My son has special needs and was like this for a few years , I never thought he would poo in the loo but one day he just did .. I understand your stress but I couldn't make him despite pleasing bribing and bribing him . It's to do with the contact against their skin so I used to hold loo roll against his bum on the loo for a while and previous to that if let him poo on the loo in his nappy and we worked backwards from that . Have you been in contact with the continence services ? It is a thing and they were of no help to me because I had tried everything but they may be able to help you and your daughter .

LavendarMoon · 01/06/2021 22:23

Haven’t read the full thread but would recommend the Bladder and Bowel U.K. website. They have a helpline you can call for advice - think it would be a real help for you to talk to them.
www.bbuk.org.uk/

newtolineofduty · 01/06/2021 22:34

I feel your pain OP I'm finding potty training stressful and we've only just started! My daughter is holding in wees and poos it's awful! Do you think it'd be helpful to take a break for a week to give you all abit of respite? Xx

Kfjsjdbd · 19/10/2021 15:54

Thought I would come and update this. I can’t believe it’s only been 4.5 months since I posted the original message, and she’s managed to crack it. I thought it would take so much longer.

For anyone in the same boat in the future, this is where we got to...

We read an amazing book called ‘Stool Withholding. What to do when your child won’t poo’. And basically followed all the steps in that.

Even though she pooped every day (overnight in a nappy) we decided to get a doctor to see if she was impacted. She ended up with an X-ray, and we were told that she was severely constipated and to do a disimpaction routine with movicol. Which we did (it was awful).

We then went to a maintenance dose of 1 per day. A daily ‘toilet sit’. Got support from nursery to encourage her. And while it was such slow progress, she has finally nailed it! We are so happy.

Kfjsjdbd · 19/10/2021 15:54

Also, I think I’ve name changed since. I’m the OP.

Kfjsjdbd · 19/10/2021 15:55

If you had asked me at any point through the process, up until about 3 weeks ago I would have told you that I thought she may crack it by September next year for school. But also may not. I’m so surprised that it’s taken such a short time.

toolazytothinkofausername · 19/10/2021 15:59

@CarlottaValdez

I’d be tempted to say to her “you don’t need to wait for your night time nappy, if you want to poo in a nappy you can have one now”.

This.

Highlandskye · 19/10/2021 16:04

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

ArachnidArachnid · 19/10/2021 16:04

Well done OP and OP’s Dd!!! Very happy for you all that you worked it out in the end - great to hear

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