3.5yo with SN not ready to use potty, but have new baby coming

[Pretendbookworm]

My 3.5yo has a genetic condition that causes learning difficulties and developmental delay. We’ve tried on/off for over a year to encourage him to potty train. If he’s completely naked and has a wee he will immediately afterwards go sit on a potty, but to date can’t tell us before. He has no idea he’s even had a poo. We’ve tried just trousers on with/without pants. He seems worse with trousers as he will happily walk around with wet trousers on. If we try to get him to sit on a potty regularly he screams and gets upset. If we try for longer than 2 weeks he gets upset when he becomes wet.

I’m getting worried now as I don’t think he’s ready but I’m pregnant and baby is due in February. I’m worried that if we don’t crack it before then it won’t be until quite a while after baby is born and he’s due to start school in September. I really don’t want to delay him starting as he has a very special best friend who will be starting at the same time. Any advice appreciated. Are schools really strict with non-potty trained reception age children?

We are currently potty training our 3.5 year old DS with suspected autism, he also starts school in September.

Have you started the process for an EHCP? Anything such as toileting can have provision made for it in there which the school have to adhere to? Does he go to nursery? Have they advised?

In a general way I don't think a school can decline a child still in nappies., whether they have additional needs or not.

Why does he need to learn because you are having a baby? He has delays you won’t be able to train him. Wait until he is ready, even if he is five and only starts then it doesn’t matter. Why stress you both out by insisting he does something he clearly isn’t ready for? My daughter is four and a half, has developmental delays among other issues and there is no way I’m going to spend time trying to get her to do something she isn’t ready for. School will take him with a nappy, I imagine he will need one on one anyway. My daughter got into a special needs school but even before getting the place the primary school near us was fine to take her with a nappy and they would have someone with her all the time anyway and it’s another thing they would take on. Relax, you’re pregnant and he’s not ready yet. He will let you know when he is.

I have two kids with autism and they toilet trained at three. Unlike NT kids they didn’t want a reward. For us it was bare bottoms, watching them, taking them regularly and using a word when they went. We used toilet. Both were non verbal. 7 year old is still non verbal and mostly just takes themselves off to the loo or occasionally will say toilet. Don’t stress too much as it might take a bit longer and you can have something put into the ehcp.

Schools can’t stop a child starting school because they’re not potty trained and it’s very common for children with SEN not to be potty trained when they start reception.

It really doesn’t sound like your DS is ready so I would rest trying to train him for a while. Maybe try again in the summer when baby is 4/5 months old, but if he’s not potty trained then the school have an obligation to still meet his needs when he starts and to support his personal care. If it’s looking like he don’t be potty trained for September just make sure you let the school know.

You can’t toilet train a child before they are developmentally ready and anyone who tells you they did was just lucky enough to choose a time when the child was ready.

My DD has SLD and autism. We tried to toilet train her from age 3 and she had multiple accidents every day. She eventually became dry over two days when she was 7, in the same way that her NT brothers also “got it” in 2 days at a more appropriate age. The 4 years of accidents and stress were totally wasted and if I had my time again I’d just have had her in nappies and tried her for a couple of days every few months to see if she was ready yet.

As others have said, schools are not allowed to refuse children with SEN just because not toilet trained. You’ll also find it easier to have 2 in nappies together as opposed to a newborn and one having multiple toileting accidents daily.

Thank you everyone for the reassurance. To be honest it’s been stupidly stressful and it’s usually been me to push the “not ready this time” line while OH has been “no we have to be consistent” and wanted to push it for a few more days each time.

I think I’ve been worried about him getting it before baby is here because I know that’ll be disruptive and will delay efforts even if he was ready. Also because he has done well with potty training at nursery - he goes full time and they will say at each cycle he starts off doing 2-3 wees in a potty during a day (seems to be following his friend and sitting on potty when friend does) but never at home, before eventually having just accidents at nursery.

I feel like I’ll be letting him down if I don’t keep giving him the opportunity too. I don’t have a lot of confidence as a parent (who does!). The paediatrician is looking at autism/ADHD for when he’s over 4 as right now he does have GDD.

His preschool have started to put together/assess him for EHCP for when he starts school, they’re taking him a panel in January to see if he can get funding for a 1:1 too.

whilst being totally happy for him to take as long as he needs. School experience suggests he has 'some' idea of when he is going - if not control.

Pull ups and taking him to use the potty whenever I went to wee, (and going to wee as often as I could) daddy taking him as well as often as possible.