4.5 year refuses to poo in the loo

[Bettyblue123]

Please help me!!!!!!! My wee boy won’t poo in the toilet! He pees fine- no pee accidents, pees standing up etc! Grand! He did used to poo in the toilet then he suddenly stopped and now we are just in hell with it!!!!!!!
He withholds poo so we have lactulose and he poos most days but he just refuses to go in the loo. You can sit him on there for hours and he will just sit! Cares not about treats, stickers etc!
We had stopped trying for a few months on the advice of the GP to let the lactulose kick in and get regular poos. So we started again in October - sitting on 20 mins after dinner, sticker chart etc. He had some success- had to be bribed to go on the loo but once on the loo he had a few poos pop out unexpectedly, a few times i managed to plunk him on when he was doing the poo dance and some poos came out. I felt we were inching forward. Then about two weeks ago I managed to get him to take himself to the loo, he did a poo, great excitement, called daddy at work etc and he got a toy as that poo meant he’d filled the sticker chart! I thought we’d cracked it but no- since then it’s back to square one! It’s a fight to get him to sit on the loo, won’t try to push, accidents ahoy! Aaaaaaaarrrrrrrggggghhhhh!
His nursery are great and so understanding but school is looming on the horizon next August and I’m just terrified he’ll never manage it!
He’s so strong willed! And we’re lugging around multiple changes, we’re getting ratty with him - it’s just, to coin a phrase, crap!!!!!!
Any advice! I thought I might call Eric tomoz because he’s literally resisted all the advice I’ve read online! Any help or even sympathy??????

I feel like a terrible mum that we can’t get this sorted.

It was hands down the hardest bit of parenting so far and it went on for bloody months. I really lost faith in my abilities to sort this out and was convinced I would never get it sorted and he would be 15 and still having accidents. You’re doing just the right thing to be tackling it, but remember when kids withhold it takes just as long to fix it as they’ve been withholding, so expect it to take several months to get better so be patient and have faith!

Thank you so much! ❤️❤️❤️

It can be that if it’s runny, he has a blockage of poo and the runny bits are just what’s getting past it as it were. Go and see your GP and get some movicol prescribed. They’ll probably say to do a “clearance” dose before a maintenance amount of 1 per day for example.

My son has got much better with his poos now and does do them on the loo now, although as I said upthread, still likes to do one in his nappy first thing if allowed. We’re going to try and phase that out though before school in sept!

Also you are doing absolutely the right thing in trying to fix the withholding. You won’t be able to fix the potty stuff without sorting that out I don’t think. DS associated pooing with something negative, it must have hurt at some point when we were potty training or something. And the longer he tried to withhold, the worse the anxiety got and it was such a vicious circle. Thankfully his nursery and all grandparents were completely supportive and on board and we didn’t have any negative comments which really helped. I still encourage him to go every day and keep an eye on things and his diet to ensure that we are on track. Make him drink loads of water as that will help too.

My son has special needs and would only poo in his nappy . He had complete control and would wait until he got home from school to go ( was in pants and dry in the day) . I used to get him to poo in the nappy but sitting on the toilet so all poo was done in the right place . It took many years ( slower due to sn ) but eventually he would sit on the loo for a bit before the poo and then one day just did it without the nappy . It's painful but we got there in the end .

Hi I’m going through the same thing at the min with my 3.5 year old. I’ve done a second disimpaction with movicol to clear out the blockage (we had an X-ray which should blockage). We have good days and bad, I’m told it will take time as the blockage will have stretched the bowel and it will take time to go back.

I recommend the poo nurseries video on the Eric website

www.thepoonurses.uk/disimpaction.php

I am the same - we are completely at our wits end with our son who is 3 1/2- we have had 6 months and only one poo success, mostly fine with wees - just poos himself something three times a day. He clearly know he is doing it as goes away somewhere quiet and does it if he can. He isn’t constipated. He is at pre school and has to start school in September - in total despair 😩 we have tried bribery, no reaction and now are nearing getting cross

Stool withholding is a common thing - there is a book on Amazon called Stool Withholding by Sophia Ferguson.
If you join the FB group Movicol Mummies (even if you're not using Movicol) you will get lots of advice.

Hi Pebstk - I have sympathy and sending it to you in spades.

Maremaremare - I joined movicol mummies and immediately unfollowed the posts as they were massively freaking me out! Too much information is not a good thing for me at the moment!

Just to update we have upped the lactulose and are getting more frequent poos and going to try to call HV today!

Silly suggestion but have you tried bubble blowing on the toilet? It relaxes the muscles and makes it easier apparently I have bubbles in my toilet for my sons who have issues

hi slippery
yes we have. He finds it funny but just doesn't try still! ARGH!

Ah hello I've found my people!
DS2 is 4 years 2 months and absolutely will not poo on the toilet. Ever. Usually he goes in his night nappy when he wakes up in the morning but otherwise he'll just go in his pants.
He poos every day and is not constipated. His poos are usually very soft.
He's not interested in rewards and "Poo Goes to Pooland" is just entertainment.
No idea what to do

DS did this and it was a nightmare!
What helped for us is finding out why he was doing it.
The poo goes home to pooland app helped massively. Although I see you've already tried that.
I can also recommend the book 'oh crap' potty training book. There's a whole chapter dedicated to poo with some brilliant insights as to why it's such a tough thing to tackle in potty training and the best ways to deal with it. I also brought him in the bathroom with me when I needed to go, so did DH. He very much wants to be like mummy and daddy do that helped too.

If it helps also, I remember when I was little, about 4-5. I used to hold mine in too. The reason I did it was because, plainly, sitting on the toilet is bloody boring! I used to hate that id have to stop playing or stop doing what I was doing so that I could sit on the loo. It was a phase and it didn't last but Is it worth trying sitting them there with a book or tablet to aveviate any possible boredom? Offer to pause the TV so they don't miss anything..

As I said, if you can find out why, it will make it 100 times easier to tackle. Good luck

Hello tiedy! It’s good to find people isn’t it? You just feel so isolated!!! I am defo in your corner!

Ribenamonsoon- I’ll try that book ta.

So update from us:
Called the HV and she was beyond relaxed about it, very common, don’t worry etc. She raised school and said don’t let that be part of the convo with DS as he’ll pick up that tension! So her advice was, as per the wise tinnedpeachesandcream, was to deal with withholding first and make short rewards with easy goals. So if he does his poo and not hold in he gets a sticker and after 7 stickers we do a thing! So we’re trying that and we have got to 5 stickers ok but the past couple of days he’s defo withholding! But we’ll plod on. We’re also trying to steer him towards bedtime nappy for poos- I suppose thinking that if he’s doing that, and we get to school time, then he’s less likely to have to be changed at school! So it’s ok but it’s not! Lol! I love the HV’s positivity but my DS took against short sleeved T-shirt’s when he was 2 and he still won’t wear them, even on stupid hot days, so he can hang onto a notion!!!!!!!!! We’ll see!

Hopefully this will bring you solace and maybe even a smile

www.nytimes.com/2017/01/19/arts/television/rachel-bloom-the-first-time-i-used-the-potty-for-real-i-was-4.html

On a more serious note, there is a school of thought that says it’s healthier to just let him use the nappy in order to prevent constipation, impaction and pain. Just make sure that he does it in his nappy in the bathroom.

Gradually you could progress to doing it in his nappy while sitting on the toilet.

Then try putting the nappy in the toilet for him to poo into.

Then gradually cut the size of the nappy padding down so it gets smaller and smaller.

It might take a few months but the softly softly approach may work.

I read a post on the ERIC website about a nine year old who was fully continent and had no SEN but had to use a nappy to poo in. This method worked for him.

Well we've had one of the worst days yet!
Two pooey nappies, two poos on the floor and one poo in pants! 😂
It seems hopeless.

How are you doing @Bettyblue123 ?

Hi all, I'm so glad I found this thread. I have been getting frustrated with my DS, he has just turned 4 but will not go for a poo on the toilet consistently. He did really well went straight from nappies to the toilet for wees, he used to watch his older brother going to the toilet, so he just copied. He even started toilet training by just going himself, this was however over a year ago now and he still won't poo in the toilet. I know from my eldest that it took longer for number 2s but it didnt take this long with him. He has no problem having a poo if he puts a pull up on so he's not constipated. I think he holds it in if he's at nursery, and he needs to go during the day but his normal routine is first thing in the morning and then after tea time so I don't think he naturally gets 'caught out ' at nursery, plus hes only there 3 days week. At home he doesn't hold it in because he will go and get a pull up and poo, it's just going on the toilet. In the last few months he's probably done it about 5 times on the toilet, so it's not like he can't, and I've tried everything. Hes not bothered about treats or rewards or me removing his toys etc. However, i do like the PPs suggestion of putting the pull up on and sitting on toilet and then cutting holes in it. I'm trying this from tomorrow, fingers crossed we have some progress in a few weeks as he is also going to school in September !!

Hi all
Thought I’d update. We’ve had about 3 weeks of not withholding, going in the bathroom in his bedtime nappy or pants before bath. Three weeks of stickers and three treats! Hooray! Then this week it’s been accidents at nursery because of holding in, refusing to go etc! Again! Argh! Just when i thought we were inching forward!!!!!!! Gah!

Hi feel your pain

I’ve had 2 weeks of no accidents to arrive at nursery yesterday to three accidents and then two today. No idea what to do

My son is 5 now but we’ve had long time problems with constipation. He was on lactulose as a smaller baby and then movicol when he was older. I would be changing his nappy and I could see the poo coming out of his bum and he would suck it back up. So frustrating. When we started potty training we had a few weeks of absolute nightmare. He just wouldn’t poo at all and was so so distressed with it. Fortunately he started pooing one day and I got him on in time and he started to poo more regularly after that. He’s no longer on the movicol but he will still hold a poo in for a few days and then crap something the size of his arm. I still can’t make sense of why he’s so against pooing and he can’t even really tell me. He just says he doesn’t need one 😫 anyway, the thing that seemed to help most when he was potty training would be to sit with him and give him something to do to relax him- usually a game on the iPad. Stressful business. Good luck!

Just thought I’d update anyone who is still out there. We have made some progress although not all the way there yet- and of course he’s now 5!!!!! But we’re edging forward.
So we started in feb with letting him sit on the toilet in a pair of pants and poo. So he was pooing sitting down on the toilet into the pants. We did that every night at bath time. That went well and he came off the lactulose then. We went through a lot of pants obv but it was a major step forward- first time he’s ever pooed sitting down consistently. After about 6 weeks of that, we cut a hole in the bum of some pairs of pants and got him to try that everynight. But he didn’t like that so we hit a stand off again. As we didn’t want him to withhold again, we would let him get his normal pants on to poo if he didn’t manage with the holey pants. And he obv knew that was the gig so we got a bit stuck there. Then one night someone said something about pooing into a a bag- can’t remember how! So we started taping a food bin bag to his toilet seat and that somehow made him happy to poo through the holey pants. So we did that for a couple of weeks. now we have managed somehow to do away with the holey pants so he sits, bare bum, on the loo and poos into it, into the bag we’ve taped there! He’s still doing it as per routine at bedtime so the next stage is to leave a bag taped there all day and get him to go if he needs during the day! A couple of times he has said he needs a poo and has taken himself off! So that’s amazing!!!
I guess the last step will be getting rid of the bag! But he is off lactulose, poos everyday and has no accidents during the day which was our main concern for school starting!
So there is hope! We’re obv not all the way yet but I think lockdown has helped as we’ve been here together a lot and had time to try things properly! My husband was the one to think of the sitting with pants on and that was the game changer so hats off to him! Because he knew he was allowed to poo in pants as long as he was sitting on the loo, it seemed to relax him about everything.
So there we have it! He may have to carry a roll of bags and tape around with him forever!!
;)